Life is Short.

I’ve learned that there are lots of people who don’t know how to deal with their inner demons and emotions – and as a result, they hold grudges. I learned this because when I was younger, I was the same way. I’ve learned that there are lots of people who don’t know or understand how to deal with their feelings – and so they lock them away. I learned this from experience and because, to a certain extent, I still do this, too. I’ve learned that perfectionists have a difficult time accepting flaws and excuses in others – and even more in themselves – and that this aspect of perfectionism is not healthy. I learned this because…well…I am a perfectionist.

There is a lot going on in everyone’s life at any given moment. Some people smile to hold on to the tears, while others let them rip, whether they want them to or not. Others absorb themselves in activity to hide their issues. Others run from their problems. Perhaps they’ll stay as far away from reality as possible and crucify those who introduce reality to them. Others even still create problems where there are none because they’d rather deal with conflict than the choice of happiness. There is always something in someone’s life that gives them pause, that causes them to want to retreat, that tires them out.

What I am learning in all that I have going on is that life is short. Life is too short to lose what is important to you. It is too short to live unhappily. It is too short to beat yourself up over mistakes, and it is too short to hold a grudge. It is too short not to forgive. You don't ever have to forget, and you should take every lesson in as it comes...but stop looking for reasons not to live and enjoy your life. It's too short not to...and too many of us do.

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The "Sanctity" of Divorce

My favorite line of 2010 has been: "I just met my future ex-husband/wife". I mean, what better way to express your attraction to someone?

O_o

As this Caribbean rambler approaches 30, I've found myself in attendance at many a wedding. As a caterer and event planner, I've found myself planning a few weddings. Either way, the past six months to a year have been a blur of weddings, both planned and unexpected, the most recent of which was this past weekend. As the over thinker that I am, I found myself listening intently to the vows with which my good friend and her husband took. I noted that these vows are the same vows that many of my other friends and family members have taken. I even took a moment to jot them down. This may seem strange, as the traditional wedding vows very rarely detour from the original, but humor me: 

"Do you, GROOM/BRIDE's NAME take BRIDE/GROOM's NAME to be your husband/wife – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?"

Insert "I do" here. 

Weddings, particularly grand, methodically planned ones that I and others like myself pride themselves on planning, are tear jerking events that leave many single folks such as myself momentarily considering 'jumping the broom'. From the "I do's" to the cutting of the splendiferous cake (yep, I said splendiferous), to the first dance to the tearful best man/maid of honor/parents of the bride and groom toasts, the concept of the 'perfect wedding' is a sight to behold and one that has been cultivated and has grown tremendously over the course of the decades.

Of course, so has the 'perfect divorce'. 

I had a client who, when asking me about some of her wedding details, asked me the fastest way to get an annulment. It took me aback, admittedly. Here this beautiful young woman was, about to marry the 'man of her dreams', and already you're thinking about an annulment? Something is wrong with this picture. In another scenario, a wedding that a friend of mine catered upstate asked for the 'richer or poorer' portion of the vows to be removed from the spiel, because she was "definitely marrying for 'richer' and there would be no 'poorer'". 

The above, my fellow rambling fans, would be a direct quote. Something is wrong with this picture.

And on it goes. Nowadays, at least 50% of marriages end in divorce. 50%. That's half of them. Many of the marriages that have ended in divorce, statistically, are due to monetary concerns, infidelity, inability to have children, etc.  I have never been married, but I can tell you as an outsider looking in, from a logical point of view, that often times, the reasoning behind divorcing a spouse stems from an inability to commit. Why? Consider this: if you look above, I highlighted the portion of the vows that state: "in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy". When you hear of someone divorcing, if you hear nothing else, you hear interpolations of "I didn't sign on for this". 

Except...that you did. When you took those vows, you did sign on for EXACTLY that…right? 

Unless you wrote your own vows and carefully phrased them, you did sign up for the worse...if your spouse cheated on you, is it worth forgiveness? If your spouse suddenly becomes ill or can no longer bear children, do you allow yourself to continue? Do you find a way to make the impossible possible? If your spouse makes a bad investment that renders you broke...is that a deal breaker? If so, why? Is that not all a part of your vows...the ability to find the compromise to work through difficult situations? Do all the little things that a person does, the little things that permeate a person’s character and make them who they are, do those things constitute irreconcilable differences? Perhaps it is my naivete, having never been married, that is causing me to pose these questions...but it is something that I constantly consider when I watch the divorce rate climb every year. 

Am I saying all situations are workable? No. Sometimes, divorce is the only answer...but it should not be the default answer, it should be a last resort answer, in my personal opinion. For example, if your partner for the rest of your life has another partner for the rest of their lives…I’d consider that a deal breaker. (So does the law. Bigamy is illegal in 48 states.) If your partner is living a double life, I think it’d be ok to say, “Who the &*^$# did I marry?” But if your partner happens to have a porn addiction, my advice would be to install a projector and get Pinkie, Mr. Marcus, and the Penthouse gang to teach you some tricks. (Not that I know anything about that.) Or…you could sign your significant other up for PAA (Porn Addicts Anonymous – yes, it really exists) and help them through it. It’s the least you could do since they rubbed your cruddy feet, greased your flaky scalp, and built you a bed. (I’ve been reading Getting To Happy. Sorry.) Seriously, though…wouldn’t that be considered some of the ‘worse’ that we should be guiding each other through?

So here are the questions I’ve been posing internally that I now pose to you: is a deal breaker really a deal breaker? What constitutes an absolute fail in a marriage? Where do you draw the line at trying to fix a relationship/marriage? Can a person truly judge another’s actions based on their imperfect model? Why is there such a big fear of genuine commitment? Is it a fear of the loss of control?

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The Death and Rebirth of Communication

I miss the days of being curled up on the couch, twirling the cord around my finger, and talking until the wee hours of the morning. And you know the conversations I'm talking about - the ones where you spend the first hour laughing and giggling and cracking pointless jokes, the second hour being slightly introspective as you decide to get a little deep, the third hour sitting in companionable silence. And this format applies to numerous conversations - significant other or friend. Oh, and how could I forget a sprinkling of gossip?

I decided to hand write this before I typed it up and posted it. So many aspects of the art of communication have died - the beauty of hand writing a letter, the joy of the phone ringing and a voice you wanna hear on the other end, the pleasure of saying to someone, "I'll see you tonight" and mean over dinner - in a restaurant - or maybe in the park - sans all PDAs, phones, iPods, etc.

I am guilty of stabbing communication once or twice. I am the queen of the email - I rarely let a text go unanswered if I'm available to answer it (and sometimes, I'll answer while simultaneously answering an email), I am a Twitter ADDICT (and not just for business), and I just downloaded pMessenger. (just one more way for the unreachable to reach me, right?) Hell, aren't I talking about this on the Internet?

The ability to communicate via fiber optic pathways has both progressed and crippled us as a society. I have friends who actually prefer to converse (not conversate) via text message because they are busy or whatever the case may be. But do you realize that it actually requires more effort to text someone back than to pick up the phone and call them? Not to mention, have you ever thought about just how much can be misinterpreted in a text message?

Think about it...when was the last time you actually "LOL" when you typed/texted it...and, unless you are part of the crack-tabulous antics coming from my Team Household Name, then you are never actually ROFLMAO. (Again, if you're in my crew, though...I'm pretty sure you have more than once.)

But seriously. I miss conversation. And, if you know anything about me, when I self-analyze, if I recognize that there is something that I am doing (or NOT doing) that will prevent me from being my best , I will work on fixing it. So I plan to wean myself slowly off of the communication grid. I miss going out with my friends - to museums and to festivals and to plays - and not just the club, where half the crowd is playing dress up, etc. I'm a self professed nerd who enjoys reading and learning, and I'm going to get back to doing that. I plan on not using my being busy with my business as a texting crutch. And I will be more present with my good friends - hopefully, the feeling will be mutual. =o)

What do you think about the levels of communication in today's society? What about in your own personal society of friends and associates? Would you be willing to take a no-text pledge? If so, for how long?

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The Dangerous 28 (Self Analysis #3 of...or is it 4?)

*toys with loc* So I'm 28.

*pensive frown*

Ok, so to those of you who are wondering what the big deal is, I'm 28 years old. To me, 28 is the milestone year, not 25 and certainly not 30. Why is that? I say that because usually, 28 is the year that most people start to...well, panic. Panic in the sense that they are 2 years away from 30 and they have to make sure that they are on the right track before they turn 30.

Because you know...life as we know it ends at 30. Didn't you know that? Aren't you glad you're reading this so that I have you on put on status? (extreme sarcasm)

Well anyway. I am starting to reach that point where I find myself wondering if I am doing everything that I need to be doing. I know. I know. It seems nuts. I'm always the one telling everyone else not to pigeonhole themselves into a timeline...not to worry about who thinks it's a shame that you're not married , or where your heart may lay, or even the little growing pains that may come your way. After my girlfriend that I haven't spoken to in a while died recently, I started thinking about what I was doing at 28 more than ever. We were the same age. Stuff like this, unfortunately, always gets you to thinking.(Then again, I'm always thinking.)

Am I doing what I need to be doing? What do I need to be doing? I mean, I think I'm doing pretty well...business is growing, my daughter is getting bigger and smarter, things are pretty good with my friends and my family, things are going well. What am I missing? Am I missing something?

To shift gears for a moment, I was reading another of my favorite bloggers, Belle Woods of A Belle in Brooklyn. She was talking about embracing your sexuality by not being afraid to show your sexual side. In my latest self-analysis (this is #4, I checked), I went back and thought about my nature and being a flirt. It's funny, but I always wondered how true it was that a woman who exudes sexuality gets it in return. Lately, I've been feeling as if the concept of me being in a long term relationship is...I don't know...limited. I tend to embrace my sexuality...but at the same time, society says that a woman who does so is labeled a freak "empowered". And the "empowered" woman gets the man - or men - but never the commitment. (At least, it doesn't appear so to me.) Then I wonder is it because men like mystery more than empowerment. Hmm. 

Then I look back at all that I've accomplished, all that I've done and do, and I wonder to myself, why is it that I don't focus on my accomplishments? Why is it that many of my blogs are about relationships and sex and the like? And moreover, if I embrace my sexuality, and I don't care what people think, then why is this on my mind? What the hell happened to introspective KP, that ranted about politics and books and the like?

You see what kinds of absurd thoughts 28 brings to the table?

I think that in my process of opening up about me, I've become this relationship-obsessed person that I am not a fan of. I will be falling back. Intellectual KP is set to make a reappearance. But in the meantime...

Tell me your thoughts. How do you feel about milestone birthdays? Do you think that there is something to be said about how milestone birthdays affect your thinking?

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The Love Grind: Are You Ready?

This blog has been a long time coming.

I hate teenyboppers and young adults who run around talking bout, "that's my hubby" or "she's my wifey" like they're married. Some even wear rings. It's really dumb and...

Wait. Sorry. I started rambling. Lemme back track.

I used to be a Facebook addict. I would log on to talk to my friends that I very rarely get to see. FB was, and still is, a venue for me to voice my opinions, frustrations, and triumphs. I haven't been on as much lately...I've had a lot of business stuff going on that has kept me busier than usual. Fast forward to the other day/the reason for this rambling. I was checking my FB page after a two week hiatus, and I ran across a few posts talking about "ily hubby" and "i love my wifey, she brought me lunch today".

*blank stare* Um...did you all get married and not tell me?

They weren't secretly married. They are just another one of the growing population who think that calling someone 'hubby' makes them married, who think that 'wifey' is an adorable term of endearment. PSA, my young ladies and gents: It's not sexy or cute and all you do is downplay yourselves when you do that. I'm a single as it comes, and even I know that being married takes a lot more than calling someone 'hubby' or 'wifey'. So, being who I am, I post my usual 'PSA' to Facebook. 23 comments later, I'm here at this blog.

One of the comments made was that they are "selling themselves short". As with most topics like this, the conversation evolved into something else that I wasn't expecting, which got me back to thinking about this: why don't we grind for love the same way that we grind for our careers, or even our friends? What makes this animal of love so different? Like, for example, I cannot begin to tell you how many people that I know that have been together for YEARS and say things like, "we don't need a piece of paper to be considered married". But um...if you're living together, and you're paying the bills together and you have mutual accounts  and mutual interests...why can't you make it all official? What is it about the word 'marriage' that has people running scared?

I guess that's where this whole love thing comes into play.

But that's where I get even more confused. Think about it, allyuh. When you want to jump start your career, you put out feelers that help you determine what job is best for you, and then you go out to get it. You'll work late hours, you'll seek out all types of resources, be excited about moving up the ladder, start business ventures, all with the premise of making a name for yourself and making money. Many head strong business types, it seems, particularly independent women, when asked if they were single and, if so, why, cite that they don't have time for a relationship, or they aren't willing to take the risk. But why? If you're willing to take the risk on your career, why not on love? Why not grind for love? What is there to be so afraid of in love that there isn't anywhere else?

I remember talking about whether or not I was ready for love. I still don't think I am. I still feel as if I have so much to do within me that to absorb whatever love out there is potentially for me - it's not time yet. But I will not do what I see so many other people do so often, especially my girls (who I still love, but I can't rock out with y'all on this one) I will not shut myself out from the possibility of love if it comes my way. And I will not push it away, either. As hard as I am going for this dream of mine, I am determined to go just as hard for love, whenever it's ready for me. I've been hurt before...really badly. I'm not the only one. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel a little bit lost when I make a huge business deal or win an award and I want to share it and I have to wait until that other person is available to share it. I always said I failed sharing in kindergarten. I want my own person to share my success with. And when they're ready and I'm ready, I'm going for it. That might make me a sucka for love. I don't care. I want to be happy in love all the way around.

This is the second blog in a series about love and relationships and life, well, at least, my life. Discuss. Why do you think we have such problems in love?

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The Happy 101 Award!!!

Hi everyone!!! This is blog post 1 of 2 tonight, and I couldn't be more thrilled to be posting both!!! 

First off. It's been an awesome and amazing week. I got some fantastic news related to my catering business. As SOON as I get everything confirmed, I will be certain to tell you, my lovely blog readers, all about it!! My daughter also received her 5th Student of the Month award for the YEAR (my shorty doo wop's awesome), and I got an award, too!! 

My homegirl Dee from Life in the D Lane (shout out to her across the world, she's in Greece jet-setting right now) gave me the Happy 101 Blog Award!! The Happy 101 Blog Award is an award given to bloggers by other bloggers who think their blog is awesome and well written. Dee's blog is awesome, she has a great following, and she writes SO well (not to mention our JHS alma mater is THE BEST, I.S. 383 stand UP! - yes, I said JHS), so to receive this award from her is an honor. Thanks, Dee!! Besos! 

Now. The deal with this award is three fold. 1. In the next post, you must thank the person who gave you the award. 2. Name the 10 things that make you happy. 3. Pass the award on to 10 bloggers and inform the winners.*

Dee's friend Demetria of Love is Dope, who gave her the award, came up with a little amendment that I'm going to honor here:

"It’s time consuming to put together a list of 10 bloggers and inform them and all that. I’ll say to the folks I am giving this award to that if you can’t do 10 blogs, do five and say something nice to or do something nice for five strangers this week. Let’s spread the cheer online and in real life, folks!"

Okok. So here goes! 

Five things that make me happy:

1. My daughter 

2. My family and friends

3. Cooking and feeding people

4. Helping people

5. Reading and writing

And the five blogs that will be receiving the Happy 101 Blog Award...

1. Farrah Barnes at The Box Chronicles

2. Sidik at Corner Boy Jazz

3. Mika at the life and times of mika matsumoto

4. Trixie at Splendid Serving

5. Brent and Nabeel at Our 2 Cents.

Congrats, all!! *cheeses*

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I'm a (Harmless) Flirt...Most Times

I was all set to put a quote here from R. Kelly's "I'm A Flirt". Was all set to come up with a whole bunch of witty sayings about how as a Sagittarius woman, one of our traits is the desire and need to roam and not be restrained.

Um...I changed my mind. Whaaat? I'm a Sag, sue me.

But I am a flirt. I always have been, it's in my nature. I'm not quite sure where I got it from or where I developed the habit. Sometimes, I flirt, even when I don't necessarily mean to. I'm a big fan of the *wink*. Ask any of my friends, they'll tell you. (Ok, so maybe you, the reader, don't know my friends enough to ask. But if you did/do...feel free.)

Some times...it gets me in trouble.

Other times...like this past week...it gets me in 'trouble'.

Yes, there is a difference between the two troubles.

I'm going to elaborate more on this later. Right now, however, I have some phone flirting to do with a certain driver who we may or may not discuss at a later time. *wink*

What is your most dominant personality trait?

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Happy Mondays, All!! =o)

I woke up in a fantastic mood this morning. 

Nope, I didn't win the lottery.

Yes, I still had to go to work. 

No, I didn't get any or anything like that. 

I woke up in a good mood for two reasons: 1. Because I SLEPT! LOL...Yeah, I know, who'da thunk something so simple would actually work! And because 2. For whatever reason, I just feel like everything is going to work itself out for the better. And I genuinely believe it. 

Right now, everything is in place. Business items are coming together...friends are working it out...lots of opportunities are in the air, being happy, and even work is going well. And sure, there are lots of things in the air that I'm going to have to address in order to continue to feel this sense of contentment. But as it stands right now, I am happy, I am in a good mood, and everything is in place. This pleases me. (It doesn't hurt that someone out there is thinking of me, either. *slow smile*)

So if you see me skip past you this morning...I'm just rubbing some of my good mood off on you. Grab some while it's here and you can! *wink*

What do you do when you find yourself in a good mood? What does it take for you to be in a good mood?

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Use Your Words

Scene: You're sitting in your room, stressing. Looking at the ceiling in your room. Wondering why you can't just call and say what's on your mind. You stare at your phone. You put it away. You stare at the ceiling again. Next thing you know...the thing you want most has passed you by and now you mad.

Curtain Call. It's over for that. It's 2010. 

I know that sometimes, saying what's on your mind, depending on what's on your mind, can be really difficult to do. Heck, I know first hand that as vocal as I can be, I have myself been guilty of holding my tongue, afraid to say what's on my heart, for fear of what the other person may or may not say. And I don't even just mean romantically. Think about it. Your friend's in a rough spot, and you know this. But you don't know what to say to them. You hold on to your thoughts because you don't want to get involved, afraid that they'll think you're meddling. Or being a hater. Or whatever. Pick a popular phrase and put it here. 

I've been dealing with a lot of personal growth for quite some time, but particularly since I started my locs. And what I've realized is this: life is too short to be holding on to the negative energy that you hold on to by not saying what's on your mind. This is, of course, not to say that you automatically get a 'tactless' pass: you do not earn the right to be a jerk by saying what's on your mind. You should, however, say what's on your mind. 

In days gone by, people would call this "manning up". I'm sure the implication here is that not saying your mind is a 'soft' or effeminate thing. Or whatever. Lemme just tell all yuh...I know plenty of male punks. So I think that phrase is played. Over with. Done. 

So I keep this like I try to keep most things that we as humans try to complicate: simple and to the point. Use your words. This is what I will be saying from now on to anyone that has an opinion, wants to tell someone that they love them, thinks that their friend is making a mistake, has a family member that ain't living right, whatever. Life's just too short. It really is. And let's keep it all the way 100: if you can't tell the people you care about what you're thinking or how you're feeling, then why are they your friend/ride or die/homie/fam?

In closing, ladies and gentlemen, use your words. Don't let them run like hamsters around in your head. Figure out the best way to say whatever it is you need to say, and use your words. 

Now. Run forth and frolic. That is all. *wink*

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Growing Pains

I lost a friend recently. It was painful.

You will recall me talking about getting into an argument with a good friend of mine, and questioning whether or not I made the right choice by bringing her into my inner circle. We got into it again recently and she made the decision to make her feelings known on two very popular social media forums, even going so far as to tag me in the posts, instead of talking to me and trying to get me to understand what she was thinking and/or going through. Obviously these are the very BASE details, but it got me to thinking heavily about who I am, what I do, and where my flaws lie. I'm very big into self exploration and introspection. It is safe to say that we are no longer friends. If I know nothing else about myself, I know that I do not tolerate ANYONE defaming my character, particularly when they are in a position to be an adult and have a discussion with me about whatever the problem is. It's unfortunate too. Up until that point, I really cared. *shrugs*.

Growing up is a painful, PAINFUL process that sometimes involves making decisions that you may not want to make, and doing things that you may or may not want to actually do. It involves being the bigger person when all of your instincts (and sometimes, other people) scream that you are not wrong, that you are being wronged (and sometimes, the reverse). It sometimes means that the people with whom you are the closest; the people who you think understand you the most; are also the ones that you have to watch the closest; for they have the power to do the most damage. Sometimes...it means swallowing your pride and confronting your feelings, even when you feel like being the punk of the century. Growing up is not always fun...shedding your outer skin for fresh skin sometimes leaves you feeling vulnerable...and even a little lost.

Of course, with fresh skin comes a certain glow and a new start on this thing we call life. Sure, right now, when the wound is still fresh, you feel a bit raw and exposed - for me, I know that there were things that I was able to share with this person that I never had to explain to others - they just seemed to get it. However...anytime someone will go so far as to accuse you of being 'envious' and of 'stealing their dream' - particularly when they themselves walked away from it, or when their biggest obstacle to success was them - is not someone that you can help...not, at least, until they help themselves. The point is that growing up may hurt at first...but you always emerge stronger as a result.

Have you ever encountered a painful 'growing up' experience, either in your present or in your past? How did you let it shape who you currently are?

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Behind the Scenes of a Sleepy Rambler

I need sleep.

I always need sleep. If you were to ask my number one ride or die, she'd tell you that I don't sleep enough. At ALL. And I know this. It's probably part of the reason that my thoughts ramble so much...I know that my body needs at least 8 hours on a consistent basis to function at least at 80%.

And yet I don't sleep.

It's not by choice always, either. There are many nights that I am being SuperMommy, taking care of my daughter and then, after she goes to bed, cooking/cleaning/prepping for the next day, and, before you know it, it's like, 12:30 and I have to be up at 6 and out by 6:30. The other nights, I am being either O Ye Queen of the Urban Network, getting my face/name/brand out there for my business, Business Woman Executive Chef, who caters and personal chefs and looks at numbers on spreadsheets extra hard so that they will change and she can hire an assistant (lol), or Crusader Extraordinaire, banging out community service projects and making my community's voice heard in a single bound, or I'm the Perpetual Student, studying for the GMATs so I can get my MBA with a concentration in Hospitality Management.

Sigh. I got tired just writing that.

Somewhere in there is also spending time with my family, dance classes for both myself and my daughter, piano lessons and Girl Scouts for my daughter, and me time. Me time is the last thing on the list...and it shouldn't be, it should be the first, even before my daughter, because if I'm not taking care of me, how am I going to be able to take care of my daughter? This is the part that I struggle with, because I know that I don't get enough sleep on a regular basis, and I know that I have two doctor's visits coming up and I haven't quite reached my benchmarks for, and I know that my brain needs time to unwind and get right. In fact, writing this blog is probably the most me time I've had all week. (That and the 20 minutes I sneak to go on to Facebook. What can I say? I <3 FB.)

But anyway. Such is my life. I'm working on being better to me. Hell, maybe it will stop me from being such a betch to some and snapping on others. (Yeah right...but we'll see.)

Hasta, chicas and...err...chicos...(that's wrong, I'm sure.)

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On to the Next One and all great songs in between

Isn't it amazing how music speaks to your life? Like, you ever hear a song and you get so lost in the lyrics and the music because it just sounded like whoever the songwriter was literally sat with you in your room while you devoured that mocha chip ice cream and listened to your tears ramble? Or caught you when you were daydreaming at dance school about using the wall for support because he was...

Oh. Maybe that's just how I feel about a good song.

I love music and I love listening to music. Many a time, even now as I write this, I am jamming to Alison Hinds' station on Pandora, with interpolations of Machel Montano. Two hours ago, my favorite 'Ayicien' and 'Puertorriqueno' man was serenading me and reminding me of my bad habits. Sigh.

I love music.

I have been finding more solace in music lately as I go on this journey of mine to continue becoming stronger in who I am. It's not easy sometimes. Even as I listen to Mr. Hammond sing about his Queen, I wonder who besides my baby girl sees me that way - as a Queen. I know I see me as a Queen, so that's really all that matters...but I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes wonder I held any value to others.

Earlier, I threw on Mr. S. Dot and felt my inner Brooklyn as I considered 'getting violent' - I hate being disrespected and after being blatantly disregarded, my rage was barely contained...Mr. Carter made me feel better, I just angrily spit his lyrics to myself and tried to breathe.

I know someone else has been there before.

The other day, when I was listening to Symptoms Unknown, I wondered where this song was when I was trying to figure out where my relationship went. Right now, Machel is making me wanna get 'pon de road an wuk up', and leave my cares behind. Music is my comfort zone and my panacea when things are good and when they are bad. It helps me sort out many things, especially when I don't feel like talking.

What do you do when you have a lot on your mind?

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Is it time to walk away?

So this morning, I read something that my homie posted and I caught a jealousy attack for about, five seconds.

GASP.

I don't do jealousy. I am secure in myself and who I am. I am secure in my relations with my friends and whomever I may be seeing/dealing with at the present moment. I know my value in each of these individual relationships, and, if for some reason, I find myself questioning my value in the relationship, then it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

So then, why the moment? Why did my heart get a little tight and my eyes a little narrower? Can I blame it on PMS (Post Menstrual Syndrome - I never get it before, only after)? What should I make of this sudden surge of emotion?

It might be time to walk away.

I say this because for the first time, I actually caught myself questioning my value to said relationship, which is interesting because I never questioned it before. I currently have enough relationships with people that I do not need anymore - that is, my circle of friends is complete, and I have no intention of making that circle bigger, of allowing anyone else in...there are enough people in that circle to care about to begin with. So saying that, when I caught myself questioning my value, it was weird.

Sometimes, writing is cathartic because as I'm writing this, I am reasoning my reaction out in my head and I am realizing that I am, indeed, overreacting. (Funny enough, my horoscope said that I would today, too.) I think I haven't had enough sleep. Sozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

*wink* TTYL...

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