My running joke with my friends is that I am a male mind stuck in a female's body. When I was growing up, I did girl things like go to dance school and play with Barbie dolls. I also played the handball game 'suicide' and basketball with the boys at school, collected basketball cards, watched basketball and football, etc etc. As I got older, I found myself relating more to guys, having many more guy friends than females. This, of course, led to interesting assessments of me from varying people - you know, she's sleeping with them all, she's a woman hater, 'she think she cute' (one of my personal faves) and she's stuck up.
Obnoxious.
An a**hole.
You'd be surprised at what I've heard over the course of the years. (Or maybe you wouldn't.)
At any rate, as a (muffles age) year old, I have found that more and more, I find myself in an interesting crossroads: how to balance the fact that I have finally embraced my girlyness (cue the color pink, people! Sigh) with the way that I think (if I quote any one of my friends - "you think/sound like a duuuude, kid"...). I guess it's my straightforward, no holds barred nature. I was talking to a girlfriend of mine a few days ago about varying different things, and I found myself talking to her about the way I saw some of those things...and after she stared at me for some time...she asked, "Are you sure you weren't a guy in a former life?" Um...NO... right?
Being who/how I am, of course, now annoys me when I find myself subjected to a twinge of emotion. And it could be something simple. Like, today, my homeboy and I were talking about a series of dates that he went on a while back that seemed to have promise. He was telling me how cool she was, how willing she was to hang out and wasn't a priss at all...and then told me about the chick he was digging that he wanted to take out and hang with. I laughed at him and said, "oh so you made shorty a buddy!!" He scoffed...but then he agreed. Said that she was like one of his 'boys'. After I hung up with him, I felt a sort of way...that's how most of my guy friends see me - including past 'relationships' and the like. And then I was mad for even dwelling on something so...GIRLY.
I dunno.
Being a girl sucks sometimes. I get used to compartmentalizing my emotions that I don't find are relevant to whatever it is at the time that I'm dealing with. It makes it challenging when they sort of raise their ugly head. Sometimes, I'd rather not deal with the estrogen charged feelings at all. This, of course, is not to denigrate any emotions or feelings that my male counterparts have. I know that feelings are open to people in general and are not solely for women. But again, at this point, I'm sure you're looking for a deeper explanation, and this is still, after all, a rambling. I'll work out actual sensible explanations later on. *wink*
5 comments:
chu'uch, Gospel and TABERNACLE!!!
We emotional and like I told you last time I saw you, it's more than what makes us female it's what makes us HUMAN.
It's OKAY to have emotions and experience them.
I think what pisses me off (and by extension, you) is that by men viewing me solely by what makes us the same, they deny the parts of me that ARE feminine even if at certain times the only indicator that I am not male may be my body itself. I want to know that men find me desireable, beautiful and enticing just like any other woman. I should be beautiful when I dress up AND when I'm straight chillin in sweats whippin that ass in Tekken, feel me? Some guys can dig it, like mine (and I LOVE him for that) but unfortunately, a LOT of guys can't. Especially when said female can actually COMPETE with him in an "arena" close to his ego like money, career, ambition, intellect, sports trivia or even something as dumb as video games. When you are as "together" as we and so many of our incredibly gifted female friends are, the question may arise "Why did we think we needed men, someone tell me again please?"
Men can and oftentimes do pick up this "we don't NEED you" vibe that turns them off. They (whether we as women like it or not) need to feel NEEDED and since we as phenomenal women don't NEED them, they come to wonder what is their place in our lives? What they of course don't understand because they're not encouraged to be in touch with their emotional self is that we DO need them (my lesbian sisters please forgive me, I'm talking strictly for the the heteros and the bis) because even tho we can maybe tie a tie better than they can, we still need that strong, caring man to hold us when we feel our weakest, to tell us that everything will be okay. Just like they too need us to rub their backs and tell them baby it'll be okay. I told Mike this about a year ago and come to think of it maybe I should tell him again: I don't need you to pay my bills or unclog my tub because I can do that by myself. I do WANT you in my life because you bring a wonderful balance that I couldn't achieve by myself.
There's also something else that I've come to understand as I've got older and more mature in my dealings with the opposite sex. Many times a guy will "buddy" up the girl with EVERY SINGLE quality that he's looking for in a mate for one simple reason: he doesn't want to risk ever losing her in the event of a failed romance. Remember Dawson and Joey? She flipped it LOVELY in the end (haha!) but more often than not we get sidelined simply because we're essentially perfect. Sounds like quite the conundrum, doesn't it? Is this the case every time? Hell to the naw but you get the gist.
WHEW
*hops off soapbox now*
*fans SdotPdot*
Whew!! Hunny, yuh gone and sed a mouthful!! LOL!!! But all that you've said is true. We as women, particularly strong minded women, do need to feel needed. Sometimes, our outward strength is perceived as a standoffish, "I don't need you" vibe. Some of us go so far as to actually say that we don't need you. (Not me. I'll never say that.) The truth is that we are extensions of each other and we DO need each other. Anyone that says that they don't is only lying to themselves.
Now. My thing is this. Why is it that because I'm cool, because I can be one of the boys in a skirt or out of one, that I am subjected to being your buddy? I've started to think that in order to get what I ultimately want, I'm going to have to turn into some girly priss...which is SO not me...*shrugs*
Any other opinions out there?
Here is a response from Google Buzz:
"it seems to be the dilemma of every non-attached, doing-it-for-herself woman I meet, where are all the doing-it-for-themselves men who see beyond the resilient yet delicate exteriors we are oftentimes forced to create for ourselves, the men who aren't afraid to look into the cracks and see our exquisitely vulnerable true selves?
I don't mean to be crass but it always seems like the simplest females (And I mean simple in the most neutral sense of the word) get the great guy and us who could bring the bacon home AND fry it up are left with no one to bond with unless it's our cat or a pint of ice cream.
When our mothers, aunts and older sisters burned their bras, it seems that they also burned the bridge on which the magical dance of courtship used to take place. Not saying that in old times everything was hunky-dory but nowadays you'd have an easier time ordering dick off craigslist than finding someone that's worthy of even entertaining the idea of creating intimacy with. We as women are born with power immeasureable but I fear that in our struggle to be viewed as equal to men, we gave up the right to do all the things a man could do and STILL be viewed as a complete woman at the same time.
see what you started? I haven't gone off like that in a hot ass minute!"
Another response from Google Buzz:
"YES! It is truly unfortunate that men can't see the value of being with women like us. I was just telling my co-worker that it seems consistently that many men like the "bitches" of the world and for the life of me, I don't understand what the attraction is. It is the ultimate catch-22: you want someone that is independent, but at the same time you want them to rely on you. Where is the balance in that? It makes ambitious, self-sufficient women appear unapproachable, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. I dunno about you, but I don't mind putting a little work into getting to know someone for the opportunity of something greater and longer lasting. Is it that men want it easy? Simple is easy? Hooking up is easy? No one wants to put in the effort for a REAL relationship! I just can't...."
My response:
Y'know...sometimes, though, we have to give a little to get, too. Putting in the effort towards a real relationship takes us going out on a leap of faith, too. We can't expect someone to just WANT to want us and then they have to do all the work. Some of the emotional barriers that we put up prevent us from getting what we ultimately want but claim we don't. A good friend of mine said once that "I'm sick n tired of ppl acting like speaking about your feelings about someone makes you vulnerable or stupid or weak. Stop that shit...keeping things inside is immature and it only holds you back in the long run"
Any other thoughts?
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