A Year Later...

And I still cry.

Yes, I said cry.

Those of you who know the tumultuous relationship my shorty and I had may not understand why I’m still so upset. Why I still think about her. It’s hard because sometimes she really was the only one that got it without me having to say a word. At the same time, she knew just how to drive me absolutely, utterly inSANE. It was this insanity that was too much to deal with.

But I wish I told her that.

There’s so much that I wish I told her. Things that she needed to hear so desperately, things that maybe would have resulted in her still being here. The day I thought of her, two weeks before she died, I wish I had went with the feeling I had to call her. She really would have been tickled with all that I was doing. And I would have been proud that she finally got her shit together.

Separation is good for relationships and friendships sometimes. It is when you begin to fear telling your friend the things they need to hear, when you dread telling them or asking them certain things because you don’t want to get into it with them, that there is a problem. My life lesson in my shorty passing is to never hold on to the things that are on your mind heavily, that you need to ask or query or say. There is nothing wrong with telling your friend about themselves if they need to be told about themselves. Yes, this may cause conflict, but a friendship, a true friendship, ain’t a friendship if you all don’t fuss at each other sometimes.

The past few months have been quite the emotional rollercoaster, in part because I knew this day was coming and in part because there’s so much in me that people need to hear…but I started to do the same thing again. I started to hold on to what I was feeling, held on to the things my friends needed to hear, the tough questions, because I have enough conflict in my life and I don’t need conflict from my friends. Remembering my shorty made me remember that I swore never to ever do that again.

So if you are my friend...and you read this…know that anything I ask, anything that I say to you, is never meant with malicious intent. It’s always in love and 9 times out of 10 it is something that you needed to hear. And I want the same thing done for me. Yes, I’m stubborn and yes, I have a LOT of pride…but I believe that friends should be able to tell friends the hard, not so great things about them, and be able to ask the tough questions, without fear that the friendship will die. If it does…then it wasn’t a true friendship.

As for my shorty…what can I say. I hope you and Alex are up there chilling, playing cards with Viola June, shooting the shit and giving my babes a hug. Do me a favor? Tell my Auntie I did what she told me to do. And that she was absolutely right.

No matter how we parted, I will always miss you, C.

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Happy Born Day, Chica

So today...my homegirl would've been 29 years old. 


It's pretty ironic how much you find yourself remembering when someone leaves you before what you think their time should be. You may remember my bittersweet ode to the loss of my friend a few months back. Some of you who are reading this may find it interesting how much her passing affected me, particularly when you consider that I had cut her off, as I have with other friends-of-the-moment. 


But my chica was no friend of the moment. She was a friend, even when we weren't speaking. I didn't realize that...until she was gone. It always happens that way, doesn't it?

Elie Tahari's 'Tan Fierce' Shoe (her fave designer)

And to me, that is the true definition of a friend. One of the things about my chica that I will never forget is her overwhelming sentimentality when it came to the celebration of a birthday. Before her, birthdays were...ok...I celebrated them, but not really. With my birthday being so close to Christmas, I always got 'lost in the sauce', so to speak, but my chica treated every birthday as if it were a national holiday...and it eventually rubbed off on me. Before long, I was celebrating birthdays in grand style. I still do. She did, indeed, teach me the value of that. She also taught me about shoes. Now, if you know me, then you know that I love me a good shoe. Always have. My chica taught me how to appreciate a flyyyyyy shoe, as opposed to a fly shoe. She would also encourage me to pay myself 'first', something that I definitely did not do often. (Still don't. Not like I need to.)


Now, again, this is not to say that life with my chica was all fun and games. Part of the challenge when two passionate people become friends is that the passion from each side threatens to over take each other. I learned a lot about myself from the time I turned 20 to my current 28 years...and every year was an evolution from me. With my chica, her process was a bit slower...and eventually, it came down to leaving her behind so that she could grow. From what I learned...she definitely did. It is true that sometimes, you have to walk away from someone for them to become the person that they need to be. I just wish that I would've made that call when I got the urge to. I'm pretty proud of her evolution. Just wish I could've told her so. 


Well, anyway. Today, I've gotta find a way to go drop off some calla lilies and pralines for my friend for her birthday. Maybe I'll grab some Robert Mondavi Cabernet Sauvignon for her, too. I'm sure He won't mind if I leave her some. She always appreciated a good red wine. 

Rest in peace, my chica. And happy birthday. =oD 

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The Pain of Loss - An Ode to a Friend

I got a phone call yesterday. I got a phone call yesterday that said that one of my closest friends had passed away. I got that call yesterday...and I haven't been the same since.

Allyuh should know by now how I feel about reasons, seasons, and lifetimes. My friend that passed away was someone that I always believe came into my life for a reason - in part, to show me a confidence that I did not know, in her own strange way. We grew apart over the past two years, mainly because, in my opinion, our season was over and we tried desperately to extend it past what it needed to be. All of our times were not good - we argued more than a little bit - but there were many good times, many unintentionally hilarious, tears falling out of our eyes till we literally peed on ourselves, side aching moments. We weren't always honest with each other - I became better at this, her not so much - but we were honest in the love and affection that we had for each other. I felt a pang when I stopped speaking to her. I felt as if I didn't do enough as a friend to try to get her to a better place. But I realized (at the time, anyway) that the only way that she would get to a better her is if I left her alone. Sometimes, you can only do but so much. From what I've heard, she was able to be a better her - working a great full time job, her own place, etc etc.

Hearing that news yesterday made me question my decision all over again. Though I don't usually regret anything, I do regret not telling her how much I loved her and cared about her, even though the dynamics of our relationship had changed. I wish I could show her the person I am now: confident, poised, successful - the person that I feel that she always wanted me to be, even though I don't think she knew how to express that effectively at the time. A part of me wishes that the stubborn person in me would have picked up the phone and called her, just to say hello. But such is the way that life works...you never know what you've got till it's gone.

So to my girl - We had the best of times. We had the worst of times. We had times (and shiny planes) that I will never forget. Thank you for helping me be my best me, in your own way. Wish I could tell you this in person. I tip my glass of SoCo and Lime to you. I hope your soul is at peace.

Make sure you tell your loved ones that you love them.

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