Use Your Words

Scene: You're sitting in your room, stressing. Looking at the ceiling in your room. Wondering why you can't just call and say what's on your mind. You stare at your phone. You put it away. You stare at the ceiling again. Next thing you know...the thing you want most has passed you by and now you mad.

Curtain Call. It's over for that. It's 2010. 

I know that sometimes, saying what's on your mind, depending on what's on your mind, can be really difficult to do. Heck, I know first hand that as vocal as I can be, I have myself been guilty of holding my tongue, afraid to say what's on my heart, for fear of what the other person may or may not say. And I don't even just mean romantically. Think about it. Your friend's in a rough spot, and you know this. But you don't know what to say to them. You hold on to your thoughts because you don't want to get involved, afraid that they'll think you're meddling. Or being a hater. Or whatever. Pick a popular phrase and put it here. 

I've been dealing with a lot of personal growth for quite some time, but particularly since I started my locs. And what I've realized is this: life is too short to be holding on to the negative energy that you hold on to by not saying what's on your mind. This is, of course, not to say that you automatically get a 'tactless' pass: you do not earn the right to be a jerk by saying what's on your mind. You should, however, say what's on your mind. 

In days gone by, people would call this "manning up". I'm sure the implication here is that not saying your mind is a 'soft' or effeminate thing. Or whatever. Lemme just tell all yuh...I know plenty of male punks. So I think that phrase is played. Over with. Done. 

So I keep this like I try to keep most things that we as humans try to complicate: simple and to the point. Use your words. This is what I will be saying from now on to anyone that has an opinion, wants to tell someone that they love them, thinks that their friend is making a mistake, has a family member that ain't living right, whatever. Life's just too short. It really is. And let's keep it all the way 100: if you can't tell the people you care about what you're thinking or how you're feeling, then why are they your friend/ride or die/homie/fam?

In closing, ladies and gentlemen, use your words. Don't let them run like hamsters around in your head. Figure out the best way to say whatever it is you need to say, and use your words. 

Now. Run forth and frolic. That is all. *wink*

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Growing Pains

I lost a friend recently. It was painful.

You will recall me talking about getting into an argument with a good friend of mine, and questioning whether or not I made the right choice by bringing her into my inner circle. We got into it again recently and she made the decision to make her feelings known on two very popular social media forums, even going so far as to tag me in the posts, instead of talking to me and trying to get me to understand what she was thinking and/or going through. Obviously these are the very BASE details, but it got me to thinking heavily about who I am, what I do, and where my flaws lie. I'm very big into self exploration and introspection. It is safe to say that we are no longer friends. If I know nothing else about myself, I know that I do not tolerate ANYONE defaming my character, particularly when they are in a position to be an adult and have a discussion with me about whatever the problem is. It's unfortunate too. Up until that point, I really cared. *shrugs*.

Growing up is a painful, PAINFUL process that sometimes involves making decisions that you may not want to make, and doing things that you may or may not want to actually do. It involves being the bigger person when all of your instincts (and sometimes, other people) scream that you are not wrong, that you are being wronged (and sometimes, the reverse). It sometimes means that the people with whom you are the closest; the people who you think understand you the most; are also the ones that you have to watch the closest; for they have the power to do the most damage. Sometimes...it means swallowing your pride and confronting your feelings, even when you feel like being the punk of the century. Growing up is not always fun...shedding your outer skin for fresh skin sometimes leaves you feeling vulnerable...and even a little lost.

Of course, with fresh skin comes a certain glow and a new start on this thing we call life. Sure, right now, when the wound is still fresh, you feel a bit raw and exposed - for me, I know that there were things that I was able to share with this person that I never had to explain to others - they just seemed to get it. However...anytime someone will go so far as to accuse you of being 'envious' and of 'stealing their dream' - particularly when they themselves walked away from it, or when their biggest obstacle to success was them - is not someone that you can help...not, at least, until they help themselves. The point is that growing up may hurt at first...but you always emerge stronger as a result.

Have you ever encountered a painful 'growing up' experience, either in your present or in your past? How did you let it shape who you currently are?

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Keeping it Real? Uh, no...

You don't want the real.

Seriously, no one REALLY wants the real.

We run around, putting up these blogs and catchy one liners "I'm looking for a real (fill in the blanks)"

But, let's put it all out there and keep it 'real' for once. What dude wants to meet a chick with the goggle eye glasses and the dry ass eczema or psoriasis patch on the 1st date? Wouldn't you rather go out with the shorty with the expertly applied M.A.C. face, designed to 'look' natural?


Don't front, you know it's true...


And ladies, come on now. We all say, "he's gotta be motivated. About something. Stable. It's what upstairs that counts". But if a dude told you from the door that he was starting his own business so he wouldn't have to work for anyone (read: broke and, chances are, doing civil and/or no work) would you REALLY want to stick around? Do we REALLY go to the singles networking parties looking for the BeetleJuice looking bruh with a BRAIN? Yeah, not so much.


Some of you might be like, "yeah, I'm not that shallow or superficial". Yeah, we are. Me included. Everyone earns the right to their own opinions and preferences, but we have all, at one point or another, been admittedly (or unadmittedly) shallow. We'd rather meet someone with minimal flaws at the door, but get pissed off if someone points out own own flaws, or are not accepting of them. What's 'real' about that?


Chris Rock said it best. (paraphrase) "you are meeting their representative" on the first date (and the next few). Neither side wants to or is prepared to meet pre-Proactiv, holey yet comfortable, wedgie picking, 'I have gas all the got damn time' person until much, MUCH later in the game. And yes, of course, all of these things are exaggerated somewhat. (Or maybe not). The point is, I get a kick out of seeing 'keep it real' blasted all over everything.

When I first met someone once, I came out in, no lie, pajamas, a head tie, and work Crocs. I KNOW I looked like I just rolled out of bed. And granted, this is because I had, but I'm saying. I was curious if my appearance mattered. So far I don't think it's had any adverse affect, but the truth is, it's rather hard to tell with this one. I think that's also part of the fun - the figuring out what that person thinks of you and whether they like you for you or if they're really just digging your 'representative'. It's also a good way to tell if you're the 4 am phone call or the 12 noon call, if you know what I mean. If you don't, you shouldn't even be reading this. LOL. Moving on...

Here are some tips of the trade that I have weaned from previous relationships and '4 am'ers. Please note...this is NOT a self-help book...I do psychology but I am NOT a psychologist, so please. Take this list as the light hearted tidbits of info that it is and NOT as gospel...thanks...

Keeping it "real" with your significant other (aka how to tell when this stops being a 4 am relationship)

1. Don't lay it all out there on the first date. No, seriously. Don't. If he knows what your plans are at 25, 28, 34, and 41, then what is there to talk about on the second date? World peace? Take it easy and pace the conversation...

2. Ok. Here's a big one. It's ok if you tell them how you feel within REASON. My experience with this is that sometimes, you blurt out 'I love you' in the getting to know you phase and scare folk completely away. Yes, be open about your feelings, but don't get all blabberish and tell them how many children you want and in what order after three weeks. That's a really BAD idea...(that is, unless the other person starts the conversation and you are in agreeance. in that case, roll with it, kiddo.)

3. Don't go meet them in a durag, a doobie, and pajamas. Seriously. If this is someone that you are getting to know, and they don't really KNOW you yet, put some sort of effort into your appearance. Like it or not, first impressions really ARE everything.

4. If you are a '4 am'er, you do NOT earn the right to get jealous. The danger of being a 4 am relationship is that if the...ahem...'4 am conversation' is good enough, you start thinking that there could be more and that you are entitled to more. Please be CLEAR on your boundaries and what you are to that person. Remember not to make someone your priority when you are their option. (I am still remembering this, so this is as much for me as it is for the reader) The minute that one of you starts to 'catch feelings' is the minute that it may be time to reevaluate...


5. For my Facebookers that may also double as '4 am'ers...sigh...why do you blow your self up on your resident 4 am'ers page? Seriously? Are you expecting said person to acknowledge you? Be real with yourself: know what role you play in your current relationship status. If this reads as insulting, annoying, or touches a nerve, then chances are this is you and it's time to reevaluate. What, exactly? Do you actually want to be in a 4 am relationship? If you want the whole shebang, then perhaps this is not the route you want...perhaps falling back and looking at YOUR whole picture is your best bet...be real with yourSELF first.

6. Now. Once you have established what time of day relationship this is, and you've made it past the preliminary dating period and into a relationship, this is where 'keeping it real' comes into play. Here's the deal, and it gets no realer...If you cannot:

-pass gas around each other
-show off your stretchmarks outside of the Spanx
-talk about meeting your crazy uncle
-tell your momma (or appropriate family member) about them
-get a land line number (or a work number, whichever)
-wear your own hair out around them
-see each other without the smoke and mirrors of makeup and body products
-do a number 2 while they're in the same house
-argue every now and again and make up
-stop looking through their email, phone, Sidekick, or other PDA advice
-see their email, phone, Sidekick, or other PDA advice
-stop being jealous of platonic relationships with other people
-say I love you and mean it
-meet their best friend

It might be time to reevaluate not only whether you're 'keeping it real', but whether this is the right relationship for you. If you keep the spoiling apple around, eventually, it spoils the other apples in the bushel.

Just a bit of food for thought...

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