Night Marauder

They call me the marauder of the feelings of the night.

While everyone is asleep, I pillage and plunder the thoughts of the verbose and yet forgotten thoughts. The ones no one wants to admit that they have.

Our society is one where even honesty is not quite honest with itself, shamed into believing that stark contrast in truths is acceptable when one seeks to spare feelings.

I sit, loud in my silence, and assess which dishonest village I shall burn first with clever ditties and unabashed words of fire. Usually they never see it coming, so caught up in their need to be and desire to impress with their deception that my words are usually a sucker punch.

They call me the marauder of the feelings of the night.

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The "Sanctity" of Divorce

My favorite line of 2010 has been: "I just met my future ex-husband/wife". I mean, what better way to express your attraction to someone?

O_o

As this Caribbean rambler approaches 30, I've found myself in attendance at many a wedding. As a caterer and event planner, I've found myself planning a few weddings. Either way, the past six months to a year have been a blur of weddings, both planned and unexpected, the most recent of which was this past weekend. As the over thinker that I am, I found myself listening intently to the vows with which my good friend and her husband took. I noted that these vows are the same vows that many of my other friends and family members have taken. I even took a moment to jot them down. This may seem strange, as the traditional wedding vows very rarely detour from the original, but humor me: 

"Do you, GROOM/BRIDE's NAME take BRIDE/GROOM's NAME to be your husband/wife – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?"

Insert "I do" here. 

Weddings, particularly grand, methodically planned ones that I and others like myself pride themselves on planning, are tear jerking events that leave many single folks such as myself momentarily considering 'jumping the broom'. From the "I do's" to the cutting of the splendiferous cake (yep, I said splendiferous), to the first dance to the tearful best man/maid of honor/parents of the bride and groom toasts, the concept of the 'perfect wedding' is a sight to behold and one that has been cultivated and has grown tremendously over the course of the decades.

Of course, so has the 'perfect divorce'. 

I had a client who, when asking me about some of her wedding details, asked me the fastest way to get an annulment. It took me aback, admittedly. Here this beautiful young woman was, about to marry the 'man of her dreams', and already you're thinking about an annulment? Something is wrong with this picture. In another scenario, a wedding that a friend of mine catered upstate asked for the 'richer or poorer' portion of the vows to be removed from the spiel, because she was "definitely marrying for 'richer' and there would be no 'poorer'". 

The above, my fellow rambling fans, would be a direct quote. Something is wrong with this picture.

And on it goes. Nowadays, at least 50% of marriages end in divorce. 50%. That's half of them. Many of the marriages that have ended in divorce, statistically, are due to monetary concerns, infidelity, inability to have children, etc.  I have never been married, but I can tell you as an outsider looking in, from a logical point of view, that often times, the reasoning behind divorcing a spouse stems from an inability to commit. Why? Consider this: if you look above, I highlighted the portion of the vows that state: "in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy". When you hear of someone divorcing, if you hear nothing else, you hear interpolations of "I didn't sign on for this". 

Except...that you did. When you took those vows, you did sign on for EXACTLY that…right? 

Unless you wrote your own vows and carefully phrased them, you did sign up for the worse...if your spouse cheated on you, is it worth forgiveness? If your spouse suddenly becomes ill or can no longer bear children, do you allow yourself to continue? Do you find a way to make the impossible possible? If your spouse makes a bad investment that renders you broke...is that a deal breaker? If so, why? Is that not all a part of your vows...the ability to find the compromise to work through difficult situations? Do all the little things that a person does, the little things that permeate a person’s character and make them who they are, do those things constitute irreconcilable differences? Perhaps it is my naivete, having never been married, that is causing me to pose these questions...but it is something that I constantly consider when I watch the divorce rate climb every year. 

Am I saying all situations are workable? No. Sometimes, divorce is the only answer...but it should not be the default answer, it should be a last resort answer, in my personal opinion. For example, if your partner for the rest of your life has another partner for the rest of their lives…I’d consider that a deal breaker. (So does the law. Bigamy is illegal in 48 states.) If your partner is living a double life, I think it’d be ok to say, “Who the &*^$# did I marry?” But if your partner happens to have a porn addiction, my advice would be to install a projector and get Pinkie, Mr. Marcus, and the Penthouse gang to teach you some tricks. (Not that I know anything about that.) Or…you could sign your significant other up for PAA (Porn Addicts Anonymous – yes, it really exists) and help them through it. It’s the least you could do since they rubbed your cruddy feet, greased your flaky scalp, and built you a bed. (I’ve been reading Getting To Happy. Sorry.) Seriously, though…wouldn’t that be considered some of the ‘worse’ that we should be guiding each other through?

So here are the questions I’ve been posing internally that I now pose to you: is a deal breaker really a deal breaker? What constitutes an absolute fail in a marriage? Where do you draw the line at trying to fix a relationship/marriage? Can a person truly judge another’s actions based on their imperfect model? Why is there such a big fear of genuine commitment? Is it a fear of the loss of control?

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Did I Miss Something?

The ongoing running joke with my friends and I is that the WEIRDEST, most UNUSUAL things happen to me. Lately, I've been trying to attribute it to the fact that 30 is staring me in the face. My best friend has told me flat out that this is not the case, that I, very simply, attract madness for whatever reason.

Now. I've talked before about the incident with a rodent that will remain nameless. And who could forget seeing Spiderman on 5th Avenue. The things I see and that happen to me sometimes are priceless. Today was no exception.

To start, I wake up every morning religiously hitting the snooze button at least 3 times before I panic about being unemployed in this blasted disaster excuse for an economy and fly out of the bed and directly towards the shower, waking my child in the process to ensure that she is ready. I then time what bus I MUST be on to be considered either early or on time once I get on and onto the subway. Today, I was slightly behind schedule, so I hopped onto a different bus and texted my boss to let her know I was running behind schedule.

So now. I'm sitting quietly on the bus, listening to Jay-Z's Blueprint 3, and the bus begins to get a bit crowded. This 6'4 guy gets on the bus and stands to hold on by me. I pay him no mind. As the bus gets crowded, he starts to shift forward...and all I'm feeling on my shoulders are his family jewels. I'm not kidding. Over and over again. And just when I thought that it could've possibly been accidental because of the crowding on the bus, I looked up and dude WINKED at me. Yes, y'all, I said he WINKED at me. So, of course, I draft an email to my friends about this foolishness. They laugh hysterically. Little did I know that my adventure for the day was not done yet...

Later on, I'm at Penn Station, trying to get my ticket so that I can go home after a long day. I'm at the LIRR machine, getting my railroad ticket home when this guy comes up and whispers something in my ear. So I say, "I'm sorry?" He looks like he might need a dollar or two, not homeless, just broke...so he says it again and I thought he said he needed a couple of dollars! So as I'm preparing to tell him sorry, he says a little louder..."just a couple of hours is all I need with you...I swear I'll turn you out...what's your name?"

...:blank stare:...Are you kidding me...

And it gets better!! An older guy was by the train door where I was sitting, just relaxing and drinking his beer. This younger girl runs up to him from the car after ours and sticks her tongue down his throat! Now they're making out and I'm gagging a little...I don't do PDAs (public displays of affection). But then, soon after this joyous reunion, she bursts into tears! So now he's comforting her...and the lady across from me and I are just sitting there, a bit baffled by it all. As we're preparing to get off at our stop, the girl rushes back to the next car where she came from! The lady sitting across from me(my new LIRR buddy) are completely lost. Suddenly, the gentleman's phone rings and he says, "hey son, what track?" His son answers him...the lady and I turn...the girl that all this stuff is going on with is his son's girlfriend.

So now I ask - is it me? Did I miss something? What is it about me that attracts and witnesses such madness!

P.S. My friend D, of course, couldn't resist posting a blog about my misfortunes on her own blog. You can read her commentary on my misfortunes (still not funny) on her blog, Life in the D Lane.

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Going Back To Love

If you're reading this, raise your hand if you've ever been in love.

*crickets creak, tumbleweed rolls by me in the classroom*

So maybe I'm being a little melodramatic. It's what I do, I can't help it. I thought I was in love...a few times. I've been in relationships where I thought that I would do whatever it took to make sure that this relationship worked. One of these subsequent relationships resulted in Michele Alexa. She is my pride and joy.

And then after that, love don't live here no mo'. LOL.

I mean, that's not true. Love is an objective thing and a concept of mind over matter. (I know...I didn't talk about the heart or ANYTHING!!) The thing about the heart is that it's a muscle. It pumps blood to and from other body parts. That's about it. I hate to break it to folks. LOL. Love is, however, the mind going into irrational overdrive. The palms sweating and heart racing is all a matter of your brain registering anxiety over a potentially irrational situation.

Yup, I just turned love into a clinical science. I'm sorry in advance to all my die-hard romantics. (Well, not really. Just felt like the right thing to say. LOL.)

The reason people use the heart when referencing love and romance is because in the pre-Christian era, before people realized that the brain was the center of functioning, people thought the heart was the epicenter of it all. And understandably so, I suppose. It was in the center of everything. I guess it's like thinking the world is flat. I dunno.

But enough random knowledge facts. The point is, love, to me, is something that I haven't actually come upon yet. Not true love. Oh, sure, there are people I like enough. There are people that I liked enough in the past to want to have a relationship with...and den dey crazy asses showed up and dis Caribbean gyul hea ain't wyan no part o dat! LOL. Then there are the 'crush(es)'...not many, but the ones that you know are probably not your best relationship pic no matter what but you just can't help but like them. Those are dangerous because you get all wuk up ova de man and he already let you know (either verbally or nonverbally) that your interest and his interest are not the same interests. Now, unless you're into s&m...this is just abuse for no good reason.

Which leads me to where I am today...single and chillin'. Why? I guess I'm just waiting to see what walks my way. Not searching because this is one of those things that when you seek, you shall not find. It finds you when it's ready. And maybe I'm just not ready so that's why I haven't seen it. What I do know is this...I have this quote on my FB page that sums up what I think love should be:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
- "Captain Corelli's Mandolin", Louis de Bernieres

What do you all think?

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