Hey Kettle, the Pot's Calling with Something to Say

It’s been a minute since I talked about marriage, hasn’t it?

Well now, since you’ve brought it up…

I guess I should throw kids into the mix too, balance it all out?

Now if only to figure out where to begin…

Okay. I’ve got it.

My girl Carrie Pink has her own blog that she contributes to on a regular basis, and her words always get me thinking about the things that I think about on a regular basis even more. In yesterday’s musings, she brought up an excellent topic about naming your child after you if you are not married. In her writings, she notes: “I understand women in relationships often feel pressures from fathers who want the children you birth for them to have their last name but why? Why should you give up the option of one family name? Particularly if you don’t live together? and have made no commitment towards being an entire FAMILY and how many of those fathers are by your side today? How long after the birth of the child were you forced to raise the child alone… Now here you are honoring a person who isnt even actively involved… Passing on a last name is a honor and is one that should be reserved for those who not only deserve it but earn it as well, post deilvery… Moms need to celebrate themselves and keep their families intact… More than just physically but emotionally and psychologically too… Having numerous last names in your home psychologically creates an unnecessary divide… No one belongs, because everyone’s name is different…”

You can read more about Carrie’s take on the state of the black family here, on her very iPad friendly site...;o)

So, of course, this got me to thinking about…well, me. But not just me…many people out there who may find themselves in similar situations. When Father’s Day rolls around, I always wish my daughter’s father a happy Father’s Day. Those of you who know me and know my current situation are probably wondering why that is, considering he a. does not wish me the same on Mother’s Day, and b. redefines the meaning of the word ‘jerk’. A large portion of this is as a result of my upbringing. My mother taught me always to be nice, even when that person isn’t being nice to you…why? Because the only thing that being angry does is hurt you…that other person doesn’t care if you’re angry or hurt, it’s not fazing them…only you. The other thing she always taught me is that karma is a bitch and it always, always comes back around. Always.

When I had my daughter, I did, indeed, give my child her father’s last name. Why? I didn’t think otherwise. It never occurred to me that we would reach the extent that we did, that we would be feuding the way that we are. It never dawned on me that I didn’t have to. At any rate, it doesn’t matter to me now that I know what I have to do, nor am I here to sit down and talk about me. Rather, I’d like to talk to my younger generation right now. I'm going to jump around, rambler that I am, for a minute...I promise they're all connected though.

My ladies…listen to me. The institution of marriage is DYING, and so is loyalty. Remember the stats from “The Sanctity of Divorce”? Half of our marriages are GOING…don’t believe me? Check out Arnold and Maria...Scarlett and Ryan…Tony and Eva…and that’s just in the last six months…and I’m not judging, everyone knows their personal limits and they know what they can and cannot tolerate…but at the same time…I really still feel that sometimes, we forget just why we marry…for better or worse.

But more importantly, ladies (and some gentlemen), riddle me this. Why intentionally get yourself into a predicament where you wind up being forced to, in essence, care for a life on your own, when you don’t have to? You should never choose to be a single mom. Take it from someone with experience. It’s not a healthy choice…for all parties involved. As the “pot” talking to you “kettles”, I can honestly say that I wished that I’d waited until my daughter’s father put that ceremonial piece of jewelry on my “life pulse” as he always said that he would before I made the decision that I made. Yes, I know, marriage does not guarantee forever, but it’s a step in the right direction 9 times out of 10. It is also the reason that there will be no more children on this end without a band/ true commitment.

And you should demand the same…because you deserve it. I don’t believe in settling…and it doesn't matter how unhappy my situation makes me at times, I know that I have no intention of settling or downplaying my power ever again. I am determined to be happy…and you should be, too.

What do you think? Do you think that children out of wedlock should be named after their mother or father? Do you think that women should choose to be single mothers, or wait for a committed relationship/marriage? What is your opinion on the current state of marriage?

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The "Sanctity" of Divorce

My favorite line of 2010 has been: "I just met my future ex-husband/wife". I mean, what better way to express your attraction to someone?

O_o

As this Caribbean rambler approaches 30, I've found myself in attendance at many a wedding. As a caterer and event planner, I've found myself planning a few weddings. Either way, the past six months to a year have been a blur of weddings, both planned and unexpected, the most recent of which was this past weekend. As the over thinker that I am, I found myself listening intently to the vows with which my good friend and her husband took. I noted that these vows are the same vows that many of my other friends and family members have taken. I even took a moment to jot them down. This may seem strange, as the traditional wedding vows very rarely detour from the original, but humor me: 

"Do you, GROOM/BRIDE's NAME take BRIDE/GROOM's NAME to be your husband/wife – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?"

Insert "I do" here. 

Weddings, particularly grand, methodically planned ones that I and others like myself pride themselves on planning, are tear jerking events that leave many single folks such as myself momentarily considering 'jumping the broom'. From the "I do's" to the cutting of the splendiferous cake (yep, I said splendiferous), to the first dance to the tearful best man/maid of honor/parents of the bride and groom toasts, the concept of the 'perfect wedding' is a sight to behold and one that has been cultivated and has grown tremendously over the course of the decades.

Of course, so has the 'perfect divorce'. 

I had a client who, when asking me about some of her wedding details, asked me the fastest way to get an annulment. It took me aback, admittedly. Here this beautiful young woman was, about to marry the 'man of her dreams', and already you're thinking about an annulment? Something is wrong with this picture. In another scenario, a wedding that a friend of mine catered upstate asked for the 'richer or poorer' portion of the vows to be removed from the spiel, because she was "definitely marrying for 'richer' and there would be no 'poorer'". 

The above, my fellow rambling fans, would be a direct quote. Something is wrong with this picture.

And on it goes. Nowadays, at least 50% of marriages end in divorce. 50%. That's half of them. Many of the marriages that have ended in divorce, statistically, are due to monetary concerns, infidelity, inability to have children, etc.  I have never been married, but I can tell you as an outsider looking in, from a logical point of view, that often times, the reasoning behind divorcing a spouse stems from an inability to commit. Why? Consider this: if you look above, I highlighted the portion of the vows that state: "in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy". When you hear of someone divorcing, if you hear nothing else, you hear interpolations of "I didn't sign on for this". 

Except...that you did. When you took those vows, you did sign on for EXACTLY that…right? 

Unless you wrote your own vows and carefully phrased them, you did sign up for the worse...if your spouse cheated on you, is it worth forgiveness? If your spouse suddenly becomes ill or can no longer bear children, do you allow yourself to continue? Do you find a way to make the impossible possible? If your spouse makes a bad investment that renders you broke...is that a deal breaker? If so, why? Is that not all a part of your vows...the ability to find the compromise to work through difficult situations? Do all the little things that a person does, the little things that permeate a person’s character and make them who they are, do those things constitute irreconcilable differences? Perhaps it is my naivete, having never been married, that is causing me to pose these questions...but it is something that I constantly consider when I watch the divorce rate climb every year. 

Am I saying all situations are workable? No. Sometimes, divorce is the only answer...but it should not be the default answer, it should be a last resort answer, in my personal opinion. For example, if your partner for the rest of your life has another partner for the rest of their lives…I’d consider that a deal breaker. (So does the law. Bigamy is illegal in 48 states.) If your partner is living a double life, I think it’d be ok to say, “Who the &*^$# did I marry?” But if your partner happens to have a porn addiction, my advice would be to install a projector and get Pinkie, Mr. Marcus, and the Penthouse gang to teach you some tricks. (Not that I know anything about that.) Or…you could sign your significant other up for PAA (Porn Addicts Anonymous – yes, it really exists) and help them through it. It’s the least you could do since they rubbed your cruddy feet, greased your flaky scalp, and built you a bed. (I’ve been reading Getting To Happy. Sorry.) Seriously, though…wouldn’t that be considered some of the ‘worse’ that we should be guiding each other through?

So here are the questions I’ve been posing internally that I now pose to you: is a deal breaker really a deal breaker? What constitutes an absolute fail in a marriage? Where do you draw the line at trying to fix a relationship/marriage? Can a person truly judge another’s actions based on their imperfect model? Why is there such a big fear of genuine commitment? Is it a fear of the loss of control?

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