"I'd quickly give my freedom/To be held in your captivity/I am ready for love/All of the joy and the pain/And all the time that it takes/Just to stay in your good grace"
India.Arie, "Ready For Love"
I've always asked myself if I knew what it means to love someone. I mean, I thought I did. When I was with my daughter's father (a topic that I have yet to touch on and I doubt that I ever will, at least not on here), I thought I loved him. I know that I was willing to give quite a bit of myself to ensure that we were happy and secure in whatever or wherever we did. And I suppose that, in some small form, I did indeed, love him, in whatever I thought love was at that time. (So maybe I will touch on it, a little.) I know that at the time, what I thought was mature was far from it. We were two people, having great sex that we confused to be love fighting to be on the same wavelength, forcing square pegs into round holes. A beautiful child resulted from this Samson and Goliath fight - a child that I thank God for every day - and that is probably the only the good thing that came of that battle.
Wait. I'm being unfair. That's not exactly true. The warrior scars that I received from that fight taught me many things. It taught me that my instincts are intense and powerful and that I should trust them. It taught me that when someone tells you who they are, believe them. It taught me that I need to be with a Caribbean man if I am ever to be with someone permanently. (I'm sorry, American/other men!) It taught me many things. The most important thing it taught me - part of the reason for this particular blog - is that I don't know what love truly is.
So to backpedal a little. This morning, headed to work, I hop on the train as usual, throw my Skull Candy in my ears, and open up my iPod on my phone to determine what I am going to sleep listen to on my way in. I had downloaded India.Arie's first album recently because I heard it in one of my good friend's cars and I figured it'd be a good addition to my ITunes. I knew that the song "Ready for Love" was on there, I had heard it before, and thought it was an intensely beautiful song. This morning, as usual, I fell asleep listened to music until about two stops before I had to get off. When I woke up, "Ready for Love" was playing. I debated skipping the song - it had a tendency to make me emotional and I wasn't really digging that - but I decided to let it rock for the moment.
When I tell all yuh that it smacked me in the face this dreary morning...
I mean, it really hit me. Hard. I realized why it made me so emotional every time I heard it. It wasn't because I was ready and was just ready to soak up all this love. It was because I wasn't ready. I mean, really. I thought I was ready for everything that love had to offer. But I'm not! I don't even think I know what love is. I'm very serious. If you take a moment to read/listen to the words to this song, you'll understand my sudden epiphany. I'm not even sure how to express how I feel about this. It's so odd. I'll be working this newest self discovery about me out in several forthcoming blogs.
But now I ask you: what is love to you? Do you think that love is as intense and fulfilling as India.Arie puts it? When did you know that you were ready to love and be loved?
