Yes, I said cry.
Those of you who know the tumultuous relationship my shorty and I had may not understand why I’m still so upset. Why I still think about her. It’s hard because sometimes she really was the only one that got it without me having to say a word. At the same time, she knew just how to drive me absolutely, utterly inSANE. It was this insanity that was too much to deal with.
But I wish I told her that.
There’s so much that I wish I told her. Things that she needed to hear so desperately, things that maybe would have resulted in her still being here. The day I thought of her, two weeks before she died, I wish I had went with the feeling I had to call her. She really would have been tickled with all that I was doing. And I would have been proud that she finally got her shit together.
Separation is good for relationships and friendships sometimes. It is when you begin to fear telling your friend the things they need to hear, when you dread telling them or asking them certain things because you don’t want to get into it with them, that there is a problem. My life lesson in my shorty passing is to never hold on to the things that are on your mind heavily, that you need to ask or query or say. There is nothing wrong with telling your friend about themselves if they need to be told about themselves. Yes, this may cause conflict, but a friendship, a true friendship, ain’t a friendship if you all don’t fuss at each other sometimes.
The past few months have been quite the emotional rollercoaster, in part because I knew this day was coming and in part because there’s so much in me that people need to hear…but I started to do the same thing again. I started to hold on to what I was feeling, held on to the things my friends needed to hear, the tough questions, because I have enough conflict in my life and I don’t need conflict from my friends. Remembering my shorty made me remember that I swore never to ever do that again.
So if you are my friend...and you read this…know that anything I ask, anything that I say to you, is never meant with malicious intent. It’s always in love and 9 times out of 10 it is something that you needed to hear. And I want the same thing done for me. Yes, I’m stubborn and yes, I have a LOT of pride…but I believe that friends should be able to tell friends the hard, not so great things about them, and be able to ask the tough questions, without fear that the friendship will die. If it does…then it wasn’t a true friendship.
As for my shorty…what can I say. I hope you and Alex are up there chilling, playing cards with Viola June, shooting the shit and giving my babes a hug. Do me a favor? Tell my Auntie I did what she told me to do. And that she was absolutely right.
No matter how we parted, I will always miss you, C.
