Monday, May 3, 2010

The Trust Game (Self-Analysis #3 of...)

I trust people too easily.

After all this time, after close to 30 years of being on this Earth, of being betrayed and tricked and used by enough people to know better...I still trust too easily.

Ok, wait. That's not necessarily true. Lemme backtrack for a second.

Growing up, all I ever wanted to do was fit in. I would always make friends easily enough...I was told I was engaging, charming, and witty/funny/smart. (No cockiness, either. Just what I was told.) After a while, though, one of two things would happen: either I would become close with someone and our relationship would stand the test of time, or I would become very close with the person until I saw that they weren't meeting my expectations of what I think a friend should be, and I would eventually cut them off.

Fast forward to present day: I have my circle of people that I consider my ride or dies. It's a pretty concrete circle...for now. Every now and again, a newcomer makes their way into the inner sanctum of my life and impresses me enough that I allow them access to me. This, for people who know me, is no small feat. The problem then comes when after a short period of time that I realize that this person was here for a season and that their season is done and that it is time for them to go. My issue with this is that I feel like I've been meeting a lot of seasons lately, and, as allyuh may very well know by now, whenever some action repeats itself, I take a step back and examine why it is that it keeps happening to me so that I can prevent it from happening again. Growing pains and all that.

One thing that I know for sure is that I have this sense of trust that comes from meeting people that seem to be on Team Me. I tend to become elated and instantly close with people who give off a positive energy and appear to support me and my endeavors, and genuinely seem to care about me. It is after a short period of time that I start to examine their actual motives...and I wish that I could catch on sooner, so that I could avoid them having so much access to me. It's weird, because this is a unisex problem of mine - guys and girls.

It amazes me that I still have this desire, this need, to fit in. Not nearly as much as before - the switch in me doesn't really allow me to succumb to this need as much anymore - but every now and again I realize that this need still exists somewhat. So interesting, to me. As it stands, I am working on keeping my circle the same size - no more, no less. And those who keep using me as an option - they know who they are, they just don't realize that I know this - will soon find themselves outside the circle. The beauty of gaining infinite amounts of self-confidence is that it supports me where I lack in playing the right moves in this trust game.

Do you find yourself trusting or opening up easily? What is your take on it? Discuss and ponder...


Well, you know what I think about THIS.

But the other part (your question): I trust entirely too much also. Is that a Sag thing, ya think? I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, that they're coming from a place of good and positive intentions. But sometimes, when you've already put yourself out there and find out a little too late that isn't so, that they're out to either hurt, deceive or just plain old be ambivalent (which can sometimes be just as bad, if not worse), it hurts and hurts badly. Then it puts you in a tough spot: do I take it as it is and try again, or do I harden myself from these kind of situations? I flip flop between the two. :-/

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