Scared to Settle

I might have settled if I hadn’t gotten that phone call that day.

Or, rather, not gotten that phone call.

I’ll explain this later.

We are so cynical in this day and age. To be considered a romantic, be it a hopeless one or otherwise, is usually considered silly and inappropriate. After all, there is no such thing as your soul mate, and if there is, there might be more than one…you have to make things work with someone if they’re not working, there’s no such thing as the perfect person…I could go on.

So why do I have a hard time believing this?

Allyuh know I like to define things that are on my mind so as to have a clear path to explain my thoughts down the road, and this time is, of course, no different. My man Merriam Webster defines a soul mate as “a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament”. While that definition is exceedingly vague, its meaning is not. Your soul mate should complement your nuances, all of them. And this doesn’t mean that they should be exactly like you, now. In fact…being exactly like someone is boring. I like the tiny conflicts that come from disagreements. I like being able to debate topics. I like to have balance.

I talk about topics like this because they have a way of becoming recurring themes in my life. With my circle all approaching 30 this year (if they didn’t already turn 30 last year), those of us that aren’t married or in committed relationships find ourselves unwittingly wondering if we will ever meet that fabled ‘soul mate’…or if we already have. Now having said that...

Wait. I haven’t been random in a long time. Lemme jump for a second.

I have this recurring dream that I am stood up at the altar. It’s been a recurring dream for the past four years. I’ve analyzed it from every angle, every perspective, every viewpoint (and why not? I’ve been having the same dream for years!), and I always come back to the fact that I’m scared to give my all to one person for fear of being abandoned. The fear of abandonment, for me, is a valid fear. If you know me, you know this to be true. In this dream, once or twice, the person who stood me up was none other than the original Disappearing Acts. When you take into consideration, though, that he happens to be a lying sack of shit…There is no worry that he will do that in real life, though.

*cues MJ “She’s Gone from My Life*

Anyway…

More recently, I had a dream that I left someone standing at the altar. I dreamt that one of my best friends talked me into marrying someone I was seeing because they were good for me, but when I got to the front of the church to say “I do”, I had a panic attack and couldn’t do it, so I left him there. I won’t tell you what happened in the rest of the dream (that’s a topic for a whole ‘nother blog), but what I will tell you is that this dream caused me as much anxiety as the last one. Me? Leave someone at the altar?

Wait…me?? SETTLE?

The only way I could ever imagine myself leaving someone at the altar is if I knew that I was settling and I couldn’t live with that choice. I am big on being happy. So big on it, in fact, that I set my life up in such a manner so that I can, indeed, be happy. With that said…I couldn’t imagine settling for someone, no matter how much I fear ending up alone. Yes, there are times that you have to work with the person that you are with – but that’s not settling, and that’s not what I mean by settling. Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean that they are the right person for you. The right person, in my eyes, is not just someone that loves you. There are a lot of people that love me.

But…

The right person, in my eyes, is the person that you can’t get out of your mind, even when you try…the person that makes you better…that knows your flaws and accepts them, but doesn’t try to change them…yet they work with you on them…the person that takes the time to understand you, your loves, and your nuances…who supports you unconditionally but isn’t afraid to tell you that you’re effing up…they are the person that you find yourself sharing everything with, even the things you never wanted to share…the person that you couldn’t imagine not being in your life, even when they piss you off (and they will).

And so on and so forth.

The person for me is the person that makes me feel all of that, all of the above and then some. So I was sick to my stomach when I realized this morning that I almost settled for someone who wasn’t that. When I was trying to be in a relationship a while back, I was all set to go on a trip to meet this person’s family for the holidays…but it didn’t happen. I never got the phone call that they were on their way. Why didn’t it happen? The details are not as important as the revelation that this person didn’t want what I wanted, for one reason or another…but more importantly, if this person left my life, I wouldn’t miss them.

And I can’t be with someone who I wouldn’t miss if they weren’t around. Neither should you.

Only time will tell if I will have to settle for less than what I truly want. Yes, everyone has a soul mate…but I don’t think everyone gets to be with that person. Life has a way of throwing curve balls into the mix. So only time will tell what will happen…but as much as I fear being alone…I fear settling even more.

So I won’t.

Read More

Logic vs Emotion - Self Analysis 1 (The Year Before 30 Series)

Logic: 2. a particular method of reasoning or argumentation; 4. convincing forcefulness; inexorable truth or persuasiveness [dictionary.com] 

Emotion: c : a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioural changes in the body [m-w.com]

It is always an interesting phenomenon when logic and emotion interrelate within the same space. I chose to define the two words because, as you all who follow my musings well know by now, I have a tendency to analyze and even overanalyze scenarios until I can either make sense of them, or until at least I am in enough of a position to deal with them as they are.

According to the definition, logic lends to a particular method of reasoning. We can all relate to this. How many times have you said to someone, “if you look at the logic of the situation”...when referencing a scenario, any scenario? We use the term logic loosely, in my personal opinion, to justify actions taken, to explain away otherwise distorted and confused views, opinions, or thought processes. A persuasive speaker can get a less swift person to accept their words as truth by swaying them with not easily broken logic.

Even if, in reality, they are lying through their teeth.

In contrast, emotion, always the stepchild of rationale, is pegged as a conscious mental reaction experienced as a strong feeling...and accompanied by physiological and behavioural changes in the body.

*peers at hives on leg*

It never ceases to amaze me how much emotion plays into everyday life...how much it has the potential to affect even the smallest of movements. Many of us may not exercise logic...but we all feel, whether we want to admit it or not. We all are subjected to varying levels of emotions, based on life’s daily occurrences. How often have we heard the phrase, “I can’t help what I feel”.

Can we? Help how we feel, that is?

Logic implies a certain level of practicality. It is reasoning at its finest. Even in situations like the one I currently have been stressing over (still peers at hives), the rationale that led to my decision was a decision steeped in logic. In fact, it reminds me of the only part of math I actually liked: logic statements were simple and to the point, the logic statement if p then q being the perfect analogy. (Yes, I am using modus tollens. Yes, I am a nerd. It is what it is.) If I prove p, then q automatically follows. If I can’t prove p, then no q. Simple. And we do it all the time – we use conditional reasoning in order to prove our point about something. There is a layer of fact in logic, even if the logic is faulty. Emotion, conversely, is just that. Emotional. Devoid of logic. It is the subsequent feeling that accompanies a difficult decision.

There is an implied balance between these two seemingly different things. I am working on being able to separate the two in difficult situations. One of my best friends told me early this morning that many times, the physiological changes that come as a result of emotion are all in my head – because everyone else who is aware of the concern doesn’t have the same attachment...or the same symptoms. (sound like the definition?) The suggestion was that in order to eliminate the problem, the solution was to separate the emotion from the situation and apply logic...and then take the negative energy being applied to the previous emotion and apply it somewhere more effective.

I’m working on it.

What do you think of the divide between emotion and logic? Do you feel that there actually a divide? If placed in a difficult situation, could you separate your feelings from the logical fact of the situation? Are you a logical person or an emotional person? Why? Can you be both? 

Read More

Fantasy vs. Reality

We are walking to the school, she in her Shearling jacket, me in my wool coat. She is bubbly, bright, excited. After school, we are going to do her homework together, then curl up and watch movies and sip hot cocoa. He will join us when he is done with his meeting, and we will sit there, watching movies until dinner time, when we will go to the dinner table and have dinner together as a family, before I give her a bath. She will tell me to “take it easy bending down, Mommy…you might hurt the baby…” She loves her little brother or sister, the one she’s always wanted…though we won’t know what it is until it is born. That night, I will tuck her in, after having tied her head and wrapped her up all tight so she is safe and warm. He will sneak in and kiss her good night all over her face, making her giggle. She loves him like he were her natural born father. He loves her like she was his natural born child. I kiss her good night as well, and we quietly sneak out the room as she begins to doze off. He will tell me to take my time down the stairs, his hand on my protruding belly, the skin around my ring beginning to swell from the water weight. I retreat to my home office, he to his, as he balances his books and I mine. I tune everything out and type and work to the beat of tiny baby flutters, flutters that I haven’t felt since 2002. The miracle of life. He stops me from working late with his kiss, gentle touches on the nape of my neck. He makes love to me slow and gentle, careful not to cause any undue movement to our unborn child. We doze off in each other’s arms afterward. In the morning, we wake up early and talk as we prepare to start our day in our life together – he, I, and mine.

I wake up in the morning, usually pretty tired. It’s more of a nap than actual sleep. I reluctantly drag myself out of the comfort of my nap and prepare to start my day. The munchkin hates waking up, too. Many mornings, I find that she has found her way back into my bed, her lanky limbs splayed across me, even after I have put her back into her bed earlier on in the night. Sometimes this causes us to fall behind five to ten minutes in our schedule – the comfort of the bed calls to us, even when the alarm has gone off twice. That five to ten minute lag, though, can be the difference between catching the bus and missing it. So we don’t let that happen very often. I bathe her, dry her off, and direct her toward her clothes, so that I can get myself showered and into my sweats. I will walk anywhere, so I use the time after I drop her off to power walk through half of my neighborhood. We grab breakfast-to-go…sometimes mini pancakes or French toast sticks, made in advance and in a Baggie, sometimes Fruity Cheerios in a portable cup. We head out the door at the exact same time every day: 7:02 am. Never earlier, never later. We spend our 20 minute walk singing and dancing down the block, sometimes pretending that we are fishing for baby sharks, sometimes talking about the munchkin’s baby years. She likes hearing about her life as a baby. Sometimes this brings up bittersweet memories of her godmother – my friend who passed – and sometimes, she needs a four block hug. I oblige her. I never let her see me sad, though it is moments like this when she breaks my heart. I get her on her bus in the morning and I kiss her good bye and she pulls off, waving to me as the bus turns the corner and takes her to school – and all I can think of is that is my baby, swallowed up on that big yellow bus. It hits me sometimes – someday, her world will not revolve around me. Someday, she will not want to talk to me about everything. Someday, some little boy will break her heart as mine has been before, and I will be powerless to do anything but hug her and tell her that someday, she will be grateful for this heartbreak, even as I myself am not so sure that I am okay with the tug of pain and melancholy that every now and again threatens to break my stride. As I have these moments, as I walk down the streets of my neighborhood, alone not just in name but in my thoughts as well, I ponder who I have to go over my feelings with, who I have to go back and forth with, who supports my dreams when I’m not sure I believe anymore…whose heartbeat will match mine whether we are in the same room or not. Sometimes, it’s okay to know that my day for that has come. Today is not one of those days. Today is one of those “have I made the right choices?” days, one of those days that everyone has but never likes to admit that they have: the day that they regret the life changing decision(s) that they made. The day that they wonder, “what if?” The day that you don’t feel like talking to anyone because it is not just anyone you want to talk to – it is that day that you don’t want to hear anything about things being okay or not coveting what you don’t have because you just feel in a negative space and you just want to let that rock for a minute, dammit. It is the day that I feel the most alone – the day that I envy everyone lucky enough to have what I wish I did – a partner.

This…is my fantasy versus my reality.

Eventually, I will feel better and the negative energy will subside…and I will keep moving…as I always do.

Today…is not that day. Probably tomorrow.

Read More

Honesty Box (Self-Analysis #5 of...)

*dramatic cunt sigh*

I guess it’s time to get a little bit honest.

I know, I know. I’m a Sagittarius. I’m always honest.

But there are sometimes that even we Sags hold on to some stuff for fear of being entirely too brutally honest. If there’s one thing that I know that I’m good for being , it’s brutally honest. And that’s not always a good thing. Sometimes, brutal honesty does not come across in the manner with which you intended. Hence why it’s good to have a filter.

Having said that…

I burnt my filter and used it to smoke a beef brisket. I’m serious.

Perhaps it’s my lack of buns. It could be that. I’ve heard that a lack of sex can sometimes make you cranky. (thinks back to last time) That COULD be it…but it’s not the only thing. Lemme see how I can break this down...

1.     
            Relationships.

I’m seeing too many people in relationships who were nothing but shitheads to their other relationships…and they manage to be in healthy and happy relationships. There was a time that I would shun jealousy and envy, refusing to submit to them. I’ve recently learned that envy is a natural part of life and perfectly acceptable to feel as such – it makes you human. While I do not envy often, I do envy at times the shitheads that have managed to be blessed with good, healthy relationships. While this feeling of envy is a fleeting one (I don’t want to block my blessings),I do envy it – like, how the hell did you get so damn lucky? I know, I know. Your time is coming…don’t worry about others…trust me, their karma is coming…

Eff that. (KP voice)

Moving on…

2.       Friendships.

Sigh. My friendships always seem to be an issue for me. I trust heavily when I feel that the trust is worthwhile. At the same time, when I feel the trust is gone, I get rid of them quickly. But more and more I have been wondering – how good of a friend am I? Is it that my expectations of my friends are entirely too high, and that is why I have to keep ridding myself of them? (Note: I’m not getting rid of anyone. So relax.) I’m thinking that perhaps it is that I have too many people in my life. I think that’s the problem. I don’t need to make cuts – I need to stop bringing so many people into my cot-damn life. The less people in your life, the less you have to worry about their expectations of you and vice versa. After all this time, I’m still too cot-damn nice.

That’s going to change.

Perhaps, because I am the common denominator here…it’s time for me to take the step back and examine me.

3.       Love and Shit.

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

I always love the wrong effing people. No really, I do. I fall for people that I probably have no business falling for. Oh yeah, sure, they teach me a lot and in abundance when I do so, but when I love, that person gets a piece of me. And to tell you the truth, I’m a bit over that. I have half a mind to just hit all the dudes up that I’ve ever fallen for and just be like, “so this is how I felt/feel, can I have my piece of me back?”

I’m serious.

I have some calls to make this evening. Some people will be thrilled with what I have to say. Some will be pissed as hell. Others still may feel indifferent. #shrug. Deal with it. This is ME. And, if I haven’t already mentioned this to you…I’m an intense mother-shut-yo-mouth.

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind that this is a venting post, designed to…well…vent. It has no true bearing on my actions, deeds, or feelings for anyone. Everyone in my life (that I like) is safe for the moment, and will not be cursed out/told off/cut off. #thatisall

As this is a venting post, please feel free to vent as well…

Read More

End of Summer Ramblings

So it's September, and Labor Day is around the corner. I'm sure you all know what that means...

If you're from the Caribbean, or you simply enjoy Caribbean people, then you know that this weekend is allyuh weekend tuh get on bad. Labor Day weekend, for us, is the weekend before the Caribbean Day Parade on Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn. It's the weekend of New York's version of Panorama, of Kiddie Karnival by the Brooklyn Museum, of doubles and polourri and corn soup and fish cake and bammy and oxtail and kurma and sweet sorrel and mauby and rubber waist gyals dem and all thing decidedly Caribbean. For information on Labor Day 2010 festivities, check it out here:


Kiddie Karnival NYC


Dimanche Gras 2010 NYC


2010 Steel Band Panorama


J'Ouvert Festival 2010
J'Ouvert Do's and Don'ts


Caribbean Day Parade 2010




Moving on...


In keeping with my...err...blog title, I feel like I am overdue for some 'random rambling'...so here goes...

1. Maui Melon Mint Orbit gum is rather addictive.


2. I haven't felt like talking about me much lately. It really is a Sagittarius thing. 


3. I need to get back to my former highly motivated self.


4. I hate being ignored with an undying passion.


5. I'm going to create a shirt with the phrase, "The best way to deal with a Sag is to...(see back) and then the back of the shirt is going to say, "Use your WORDS". 


6. If one more mosquito bites me, I am going to cut the mosquito nest down with a cutlass lose my mind.


7. The weirdest feeling in the world is the feeling of being lonely in a crowded room. 


8. I realize that many times, when it comes to me, people hear what they want to hear. 


9. My hormones are on super duper high lately. 


10. I REALLY want a whole wheat buttermilk biscuit.


11. All I want is for someone to pamper me, the way that I tend to pamper others.


12. I really think that I might be about to go and make a whole wheat buttermilk biscuit at 4:30 in the AM. (Told you my hormones are on super duper high).


13. I never understood why we as people ask questions that we don't truly want the answers to, and then become upset when we receive the answers.


14. My knee has been bothering me lately. I refuse to believe that I am getting old at 28.


15. I feel as if my ability to censor myself has been deteriorating rapidly lately. This is definitely NOT good.


Join me, my good people...any ramblings that you'd care to share? Or thoughts about the (unofficial) end of summer?


*Note: If you haven't seen me talk about this blog yet, you will soon. Check it out. http://notableobscurity.blogspot.com 

Read More

Monday Morning Ramblings

It's a dreary Monday morning and all I can do is play and replay all of the various items I need to take care of, on both a personal level and a business level. I'm a bit cranky today...well, not so much cranky as in deep thought...analyzing myself in different areas, you know? But anyway. My mind is wandering...

1. I'm really rather upset that the microwave at my job burned my turkey bacon after all of 25 seconds. I mean, really? It was perfectly cooked!

2. I woke up this morning dreading having to go to work. Like, actually dreading it. Some of you may find this normal. This is never a good sign for me, since I actually like my job. I've been feeling like this more and more lately.

3. I cannot wait to see my dreams take off. That being said, I can't help but wonder if I'm making the right decision. I worry about how my daughter will deal with the transition.

4. Sometimes, I wonder if I live in an alternate universe where I'm still 15 years old and I just missed the memo. My mother tends to treat me as such, no matter what I do, no matter how old I get or how established I get - nothing I ever do is good enough.

5. My locs are a hot flaming mess. They're growing faster than I can keep up with them.

6. Sex, amongst other things, is on my brain hard core right now. This is more than likely due to the fact that I am so backed up that if I look down I wouldn't be surprised to see cobwebs was listening to Maxwell on the way to work.

7.  Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever be able to truly say what's on my mind without whoever I'm telling looking at me in utter shock. Probably not.

8. I've been losing weight, which is good. Now I need new clothes. This is not so good. I guess in the grand scheme of things, though, the needing new clothes is the better bargain.

9. I started school again about a month ago. I no longer want to be bothered. I have too much to do. This is why I need a personal assistant...because this is getting to be insane...(I'm still accepting applications for this, btw...)

10. Two thoughts just came to me at once, so here goes...
a. I hate when someone tells you that they're going to talk to you and then leaves you hanging until they're ready. That irks me to no end. Just tell me now or don't say a blasted ting atall...
b. I had another thought, but someone just came in and interrupted my train of thought, so now I don't remember my other thought...
c. Oh! I remembered my other thought. If you ask someone not to say something to someone about something...and you go ahead and you tell that what you were asked not to say...this qualifies you for an automatic ass whooping. Well, maybe not an ass whooping...but at the very least, you can rest assured that I will not be telling you much of anything anymore.

11. *yawns* I'm rather sleepy...

12. It irks me to no end when you email someone and they respond back, ask you a question, and then don't respond for days after days. I think it's more that I cannot stand being ignored. Like, it infuriates me. 

Anyway. Enough of my ramblings for today. What's going on in your world today? Have a sip of tea (or coffee, whatever your poison) and chat with me...

Read More