Life is Short.

I’ve learned that there are lots of people who don’t know how to deal with their inner demons and emotions – and as a result, they hold grudges. I learned this because when I was younger, I was the same way. I’ve learned that there are lots of people who don’t know or understand how to deal with their feelings – and so they lock them away. I learned this from experience and because, to a certain extent, I still do this, too. I’ve learned that perfectionists have a difficult time accepting flaws and excuses in others – and even more in themselves – and that this aspect of perfectionism is not healthy. I learned this because…well…I am a perfectionist.

There is a lot going on in everyone’s life at any given moment. Some people smile to hold on to the tears, while others let them rip, whether they want them to or not. Others absorb themselves in activity to hide their issues. Others run from their problems. Perhaps they’ll stay as far away from reality as possible and crucify those who introduce reality to them. Others even still create problems where there are none because they’d rather deal with conflict than the choice of happiness. There is always something in someone’s life that gives them pause, that causes them to want to retreat, that tires them out.

What I am learning in all that I have going on is that life is short. Life is too short to lose what is important to you. It is too short to live unhappily. It is too short to beat yourself up over mistakes, and it is too short to hold a grudge. It is too short not to forgive. You don't ever have to forget, and you should take every lesson in as it comes...but stop looking for reasons not to live and enjoy your life. It's too short not to...and too many of us do.

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Not Many of Us Have Them...

I have a friend who’s mad at me that helped me anyway because I needed it.

Those are the kinds of friends I have.

Those are the kinds of friends everyone should have.

I realize, though, that everyone doesn’t have those kinds of friends. And, like it or not, everyone needs friends. Everyone needs someone that they can talk to, bounce ideas off of, cry if they need to, laugh with, work out with, wake up in a jail cell together like “damn…they got us, son…” (not that I’ve ever done that…*looks away*), and so on and so forth. Sometimes your friends are also your family…I know that I can call my sister with anything in the world and she’s got me, and not just because she’s my sister. (Many of us have family we love but don’t really like.)

Everybody needs somebody sometimes.

But many of us don’t have those kinds of friends, and sometimes, we don’t even know it. A good friend uplifts. They don’t leave you to your own devices, grown or not, because they know that sometimes, even grownups make bad decisions, and though you can’t control someone’s every move, you can do whatever is in your power to make sure that people are aware that they’re not making the best decision. A good friend will tell you that they think you’re fucking up (if you are), they will tell you “(s)he’s not the right one for you”, they will take the drink that’s going to be one drink too many out your hand and pour it out, and they will do things like go out of their way to get you information you need, even though they’re busy as hell.

Or maybe that’s just my group of friends.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. (Lol. I know.) Or, more to the point, I suppose, friends don’t let friends get so wasted when they know they shouldn’t. Sure, drinking is fun, but puking is NOT. And if they do get that wasted (because it DOES happen), friends should be the ones that are making sure your chin doesn’t hit the porcelain throne while you ultimately bring back up what you put down while standing on the bar yelling,”shots shots shots!”. Or they hold the puke bag and clean up afterwards. They make sure you get home okay. And they do NOT put it up on social media websites for their amusement. #imjustsaying

Your friends should be a second family to you – catching you and calling you out on self-destructive behaviors, being another support system for you, etc. And yes, every friend has their purpose, all of my friends don’t do all of these things for me all at once…but they would and I’m sure of it. If I were to fall – literally or figuratively – they would catch me. If you have a friend and you don’t think they would do that for you…

It’s time to get a new set of friends.

#thatsallimsaying

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Emotion Commotion

“N!gga, stop playing with my effing emotions!!!”

                                                                        “I’m over you and your petty condescending bullshit!!!”

                               “You stupid c?cksucker…”

Now that I have your attention…

None of the above statements are true. They could be, though. They very well could be.

I’ve been avoiding Twitter and Facebook for a while because my emotions are at an all-time high, more so than even the norm. I’ve been going through the motions, for lack of a better word. It’s not because I’m looking at thirty. One of the things that I always say about thirty is, “one of the biggest mistakes that many of us in our late twenties make is that we get so caught up in the plan that we forget that plans should be made with room for a margin of error”.  (No Need to Panic coming soon! www.noneedtopanickp.com -->shameless plug)

So it’s not that. What is it, then?

It’s quite simple. I’m lonely.

GASP!!

What is a successful business woman and mother doing saying such things? You should be comfortable in your own skin! You should be able to survive and thrive without needing someone in your life! Huh? What kind of independent woman are YOU?

I’m an independent, successful woman who gets lonely sometimes. Simple.

And I’m not afraid to say it.

The problem with many of us as independent women is that we deny ourselves of the simple pleasure of companionship. Sometimes, it is a need, and a simple one. We tell ourselves that being confident in ourselves is enough, that we don’t need a man, we want one, we can do it all without them, yadda yadda yadda.

Ladies, please, do me a favor. Stop playing yourself.

If you are one of those women who say that to the world but you have your jumpoff that you get some from on a semi regular basis because you need the ‘release’ and then you’re good for a while, then you are playing yourself.

If you are one of those women who have shut off your emotions because he hurt you and cheated on you and you refuse to be hurt again so you shut off completely and become this bitch who sees something wrong with every man that you see, then you are playing yourself.

If you are a woman who screams to the world that you “don’t need a man” because a vibrator will do, then YOU ARE PLAYING YOURSELF.

Please do me a favor. Stop the madness.

I’m not here saying that you need a man per se. You do need companionship, however. Being alone all the time is unnatural and emotionally unhealthy. It is emotionally unhealthy because everyone, regardless of who they are, needs somebody sometimes. Period. End of story. You need to release the emotions because if you don’t, they build up to an unhealthy crescendo and then get released in a negative manner. And it’s not something that your homegirl can provide for you, it’s different and we all know it.

Some of us just try to deny that. We try to convince ourselves that we don’t need it, that’s it’s an option, that we’re okay without it, and that is called lying to yourself. Some of you are going to continue to deny it even after I’ve said it, you’re going to dispute what I’m saying, and that’s okay, if that’s what you feel that you need to do. I won’t even argue with you about it. Just know that you can lie to me if you feel you must…but don’t lie to yourself. Don’t do yourself that injustice. The reality of it is, we all need someone…and just because you are still able to make it through life without it, doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. It doesn’t mean that you are truly living, either.

But that’s another blog for another time.

Personally, I know that I need some companionship in my life. I’d love to have someone that’s my own that I can trust implicitly that can talk me down off of the proverbial ledge that my perfectionist neuroses puts me on sometimes…and sometimes, that person is just not another woman. (I mean, it can be for you, if that’s your preference, ladies. But I think you know what I mean.) I have a lot going on in my personal life that I don’t talk about a lot, and it gets really heavy sometimes. (A lot of times.) And yes, I still function and yes, I still do what I have to do, this goes without saying...but...I could use a hug and some reassurance that it’s going to be okay. I’m not ashamed to say it, either.

I actually applaud the women who are not afraid of emotions and being emotional. It takes a lot to be able to release that, and I actually think that people in touch with their emotions are stronger than they seem. It is a powerful thing to be in touch with your emotions and to let them free. Controlled ego freak that I am, it’s a hard thing for me to do.

But anyway.

That’s my diatribe. For now. I’ll get over it. I always do.

Thoughts?

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A Lesson in Less Humility...Self-Analysis 3 (The Year Before 30 Series)

I always get a little bit uncomfortable when someone genuinely compliments me. Seriously.

As a budding business owner and entrepreneur, I find myself constantly making moves and doing things the way that I think that they should be done. I am not a person that does anything small – every idea that I have is big, and the perfectionist in me always wants to execute every idea in the same manner, which, in turn, forces me to make big moves. This is not me being a braggart in any way, shape, or form. I just know that this is how I am. With that comes the obsessive compulsive personality in me that wants to “go hard or go home”. My work ethic is such that once I get an idea in my head and get around to executing it, there is nothing small about what I want to do. In essence, I get things done, if for no other reason than my own personal sanity.

As a result of me getting things done, my perfectionist nature is also such that whatever I do; must be done right; or I will absolutely refuse to put my name to it. Because of this, I accomplish a lot, and the people that I know follow what I am trying to accomplish tend to look up to me and admire what I do, which I don’t really have a problem with, especially since I admire them, for the most part. But when I hear certain compliments directed towards me, I brush them off or I downplay them. I’m not fishing for compliments, either. I just genuinely try to comprehend what they are seeing. Yes, I know that I am talented, and yes, I know that I do a lot and do it well, but why are you buttering me up? And no, please don’t look up to me, it’s too much pressure, because if I fall, will you catch me? Or are you one of the ones waiting to watch me fall?

This quality of mine, from my understanding, is called humility. It stems from my belief that at any given moment, I could lose the ability to execute all the ideas and plan all the activities and handle what needs to be handled and be talented because I was not grateful for the gift(s) that were given to me. It comes naturally to me to downplay any compliments that I receive because, again, sometimes I 1. question the person’s motives, or 2. don’t want to be placed on a pedestal. It’s a long way down from a pedestal, you know?

On the other hand…I do know that it is healthy to every now and again recognize and acknowledge a compliment when one is given. Earlier, after a conversation that I had with a friend of mine, I was curious to know how one member of my inner circle perceived me – and I was surprised by what I heard. The word ‘regal’ still sticks out in my head as a phrase never having been associated with me before – and I won’t deny, I was beyond touched at the association. So I am learning that to acknowledge my personal blessings and receive compliments is not such a bad thing.

Every day I get a touch closer to own personal self-enlightenment. 

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Scared to Settle

I might have settled if I hadn’t gotten that phone call that day.

Or, rather, not gotten that phone call.

I’ll explain this later.

We are so cynical in this day and age. To be considered a romantic, be it a hopeless one or otherwise, is usually considered silly and inappropriate. After all, there is no such thing as your soul mate, and if there is, there might be more than one…you have to make things work with someone if they’re not working, there’s no such thing as the perfect person…I could go on.

So why do I have a hard time believing this?

Allyuh know I like to define things that are on my mind so as to have a clear path to explain my thoughts down the road, and this time is, of course, no different. My man Merriam Webster defines a soul mate as “a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament”. While that definition is exceedingly vague, its meaning is not. Your soul mate should complement your nuances, all of them. And this doesn’t mean that they should be exactly like you, now. In fact…being exactly like someone is boring. I like the tiny conflicts that come from disagreements. I like being able to debate topics. I like to have balance.

I talk about topics like this because they have a way of becoming recurring themes in my life. With my circle all approaching 30 this year (if they didn’t already turn 30 last year), those of us that aren’t married or in committed relationships find ourselves unwittingly wondering if we will ever meet that fabled ‘soul mate’…or if we already have. Now having said that...

Wait. I haven’t been random in a long time. Lemme jump for a second.

I have this recurring dream that I am stood up at the altar. It’s been a recurring dream for the past four years. I’ve analyzed it from every angle, every perspective, every viewpoint (and why not? I’ve been having the same dream for years!), and I always come back to the fact that I’m scared to give my all to one person for fear of being abandoned. The fear of abandonment, for me, is a valid fear. If you know me, you know this to be true. In this dream, once or twice, the person who stood me up was none other than the original Disappearing Acts. When you take into consideration, though, that he happens to be a lying sack of shit…There is no worry that he will do that in real life, though.

*cues MJ “She’s Gone from My Life*

Anyway…

More recently, I had a dream that I left someone standing at the altar. I dreamt that one of my best friends talked me into marrying someone I was seeing because they were good for me, but when I got to the front of the church to say “I do”, I had a panic attack and couldn’t do it, so I left him there. I won’t tell you what happened in the rest of the dream (that’s a topic for a whole ‘nother blog), but what I will tell you is that this dream caused me as much anxiety as the last one. Me? Leave someone at the altar?

Wait…me?? SETTLE?

The only way I could ever imagine myself leaving someone at the altar is if I knew that I was settling and I couldn’t live with that choice. I am big on being happy. So big on it, in fact, that I set my life up in such a manner so that I can, indeed, be happy. With that said…I couldn’t imagine settling for someone, no matter how much I fear ending up alone. Yes, there are times that you have to work with the person that you are with – but that’s not settling, and that’s not what I mean by settling. Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean that they are the right person for you. The right person, in my eyes, is not just someone that loves you. There are a lot of people that love me.

But…

The right person, in my eyes, is the person that you can’t get out of your mind, even when you try…the person that makes you better…that knows your flaws and accepts them, but doesn’t try to change them…yet they work with you on them…the person that takes the time to understand you, your loves, and your nuances…who supports you unconditionally but isn’t afraid to tell you that you’re effing up…they are the person that you find yourself sharing everything with, even the things you never wanted to share…the person that you couldn’t imagine not being in your life, even when they piss you off (and they will).

And so on and so forth.

The person for me is the person that makes me feel all of that, all of the above and then some. So I was sick to my stomach when I realized this morning that I almost settled for someone who wasn’t that. When I was trying to be in a relationship a while back, I was all set to go on a trip to meet this person’s family for the holidays…but it didn’t happen. I never got the phone call that they were on their way. Why didn’t it happen? The details are not as important as the revelation that this person didn’t want what I wanted, for one reason or another…but more importantly, if this person left my life, I wouldn’t miss them.

And I can’t be with someone who I wouldn’t miss if they weren’t around. Neither should you.

Only time will tell if I will have to settle for less than what I truly want. Yes, everyone has a soul mate…but I don’t think everyone gets to be with that person. Life has a way of throwing curve balls into the mix. So only time will tell what will happen…but as much as I fear being alone…I fear settling even more.

So I won’t.

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The Side Chick

So I wasn’t going to comment on a lot of the statuses/posts/tweets I’ve been seeing this weekend.

I know, I know. I always speak my mind, right? So why different this time?

I wasn’t going to comment because I didn’t think it needed my “Caribbean Rambler” stamp on it.

But...after seeing this for what seems like the 100^th time today, I felt the need to say a quick something about it.

First off, Happy National Side Chick Day!!! (e-confetti, glitter spins) O_o

(Yup, I’m going there today.)

I almost want to post this to Facebook and tag all the people this weekend that I’ve seen address this over the weekend, but there is a tag limit on these things, I know. Not to mention that you don’t need me to tell you who you are. You know who you are.

I didn’t realize that today was a national holiday – the precursor before Valentine’s Day, if you will. I mean, never mind that Valentine’s Day is such a day of mixed emotions – the lonely and bitter ones cursing the day because they’re lonely, the happy ones posting all of their Valentine’s Day goodies, the lonely and hopeful landing somewhere in the middle…Valentine’s Day in and of itself has the potential to cause lots of drama. I mean, as we all know (prepare for sarcasm), Valentine’s Day is the only day of the year that one can express their appreciation for the ones that they love. Husbands, boyfriends, do me and yourselves a favor this upcoming V-Day: make sure you get your shorty something, if you ever intend on getting buns today or in the near future. If she says she doesn't want something, she is lying. Trust me. Even if she insists. She wants something. She wants you to get it anyway.

But this post is not for the happily/unhappily/situations in love.

This post is for the side chick in all of us.

I just want to start off by saying that I don’t say this to encourage infidelity. For myself, I have never cheated on anyone I’ve been with a day in my life, which becomes interesting when you assess that at least half of the people I have been with cannot say the same. (I’m not bitter. Seriously. No sarcasm. It’s all a lesson learned.) I firmly believe that if you’re with dude or shorty, and you’re not happy, and you have the power with which to either fix the problem or leave, then do so. Cheating solves nothing and complicates everything.

Having said that…

Raise your hand if you’ve been or know a side chick.

(raises hand, patiently waits)

There should be a lot more hands up than there are right now. *raises eyebrow*

OK. OK. I’ll stop. I’m not blowing anyone’s spot today.

What I will say is this: there are a lot of us out there, using social media as a platform with which to be uber judgmental. As many people as I’ve seen putting down the ‘side chick’ these past few days, how many of those same people have side chicks? Know side chicks? Encourage the side chick phenomenon? Hell, how many of your parents have been the/encouraged the side chick thing?

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Now, again, I don’t condone behavior or encourage it. I’m not offering an opinion on the side chick one way or the other. But if there is one thing I have learned these past few years, it is this: you can never walk in someone’s shoes unless you’ve walked in their shoes. And it is with that said that I say this: stop playing out the side chick. Leave them be and stop pointing the finger. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and actions, and I don’t care what you think you might do or not do or what you think something is, you can never say unless you’ve been there. Everyone has a higher power to answer to eventually. Let them answer to it. After all…lots of you pointing the finger have a/are the side chick, aren’t you? *wink* #imjustsaying…

That is all.

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The 1 Year From 30 Post!

I am officially 29 years old! One year left to the big 3-0!

What does that actually mean, though? Does it mean anything at all? To me it does. I’ve been seeing a lot of fuss regarding the life change from 28 to 29 to 30. I’m not quite sure why…so…

I think it’s time to do 29 Reasons Why 29 is the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread…

29. Um…hello! It’s another year, another day, another moment in time to continue living!

28. As up and down as 28 has been, it was still the most fabulous year ever…so 29 is poised to be even better!

Okay. 

So I won’t do 29 reasons. 

What I will do, in all seriousness, is go through the top 10 things I am looking forward to in my 29^th year of life…

10. The growth of my catering and personal chef business. 

9. The publishing of not one, not two, but three different books. (Details to come) If I can accomplish that, babeee….!!

8. Another three to four inches of growth on my locs. (I wanna whip my hair back and forth!)

7. A renewed relationship with my own energy and my higher power.

6. The 30^th birthday cruise that is in the works. (Ladies, look out for the email, allyuh know who you are!)

5. Getting down to at least a size 12. If I can do a size 10, even better.

4. A continually prosperous and enlightening relationship with the ride or dies and friends that I have.

3. A better relationship with my family, but most specifically my mother.

2. Continued blessings and a positive relationship with my daughter.

And the number one thing I am looking forward to in my 29^th year of life?

1.       Continued happiness, blessings, and whatever love is out there for me, in whatever form it comes.

Cheers! =oD

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Sagittarius Season! The Facts

If you're a Sagittarius, stand up!!!

From November 22 to December 21, Sagittariuses rule the time frame. As a Sagittarius myself, I am personally excited that it is my season. Granted, it is ALWAYS my season, as I LOVE being a true Sagittarius, but I am particularly thrilled that it is my season currently. This means that my birthday's coming up, and it means a year older and about three years wiser for me. 

Don't know anything about Sagittariuses, or astrology? Here is a quick crash course: 

Astrology is "the divination of the supposed influences of the stars and planets on human affairs and terrestrial events by their positions and aspects". (Merriam Webster Online) It is deemed a superstitious belief in the sense that it is based on a concept that is infallible or omnipotent in nature. However, the astrologists that study the constellations and their position can argue that each constellation sign is connected to a series of like characteristics that, when processed for a certain period of time, reflect the people born within that time frame.

With that said, here are some facts about the sign of Sagittarius:

·         The sign of Sagittarius is governed by the Greek mythical being the centaur. The centaur symbolizes mankind’s dual nature as an intellectual creature (the human half) which was also a physical animal (the horse half). (Scopes)

·         Sagittarians have a positive outlook on life, are full of enterprise, energy, versatility, adventurousness and eagerness to extend experience beyond the physically familiar. They enjoy travelling and exploration, the more so because their minds are constantly open to new dimensions of thought. (astrology-online)

·         They have both profound and widely ranging minds, equipped with foresight and good judgment, and they can be witty conversationalists. They love to initiate new projects (they make excellent researchers) and have an urge to understand concepts that are new to them.

·         A fire sign, Sagittariuses are prone to get along with other fire signs such as Aries and Leo, both romantically and on a friendship level. As a fire sign, however, this gives Sags a generally quick temper.

·         Sagittarians have an often blind faith in people, and in the world. Their optimism is infectious, although it can get them into trouble from time to time. These are curious people who love to learn. Their idealistic nature is hard to miss.

·         Sagittarius people see themselves as warm-blooded folk. They are, but they sometimes run roughshod over others' feelings during their more passionate debates. They can be blunt with people, although if they have a more tactful Mercury placement, this quality will be subdued. Their direct, blunt approach is most obvious in bed. They're passionate lovers, and are turned on by open-mindedness and good humor.

To all of my fellow Sags…does this sound like you? To those who know Sags, does any of this sound familiar?

Discuss…

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The Romance Seeker

Wanted: purple tinged hyacinths with a sole calla lily, accompanied by a walk along the water’s side/snuggling up by a fireplace/strolling along the beach at sunset (options for the seasons). Must appear interested in actual conversation without forgetting to subtly compliment said companion. Should close the evening by being escorted to one’s door and a kiss good night. Home cooked meal – basket style optional.

See? I told allyuh I could be a girl sometimes.

My cousin and I got to talking about relationships and romance. She asked me the same question that I posed on my Facebook page: “Do you believe in romance? What is the most romantic thing you have ever experienced?”

What prompted this blog was the amount of time that it actually took me to answer that question.

Huh.

I’ve been on dates before. Granted, my dating history is limited – I didn’t start actually dating until 2005, close to 2006. (I’m not kidding.) Prior to that I’d been in an on again, off again, why-did-I-DO-that-again relationship with the father of my child.  I was a serial monogamist in my younger years, and when I would try to date, I would find myself in a relationship with said person, and then the dynamic would change. Apparently, in the relationships that I was in, dating was not a necessity – why date? You already got the guy/girl!

At least, that’s what my then boyfriend explained to me.

As single as I am now, I realize that my dating experience is still rather limited. The most dating I’ve ever done was this year – I got two…nope, three whole dates out of them before they disappeared. I suppose that’s all for the best, though. Everything happens for a reason. At any rate, there were those three dates, plus enough to count on one hand that I’ve ever been on. Not a one included flowers, or anything that might be considered romantic.

What the hell is romance, anyway? Merriam-Webster (oh come nuh, allyuh know I does define tings already!) defines romance as, “: to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery”. From what I’ve been told of myself, I’m ‘pretty confident on my own’, I’m ‘easy going and don’t appear to demand much attention’, and, my personal favorite, ‘I thought you’d be insulted if I got you something. I know how you independent women are’.

Now. *scratches head* I’ve never been the type of independent woman to demand that everything be done the way I’d want it done, in the sense that…ok, the easier way of putting this is, I’m not that ‘Destiny’s Child Independent Woman’. I don’t refuse gifts; I’m not a bitch about my independence. I always say that I am independent by need, not necessarily by desire. (It’s hard to explain.)

With all that said, I can honestly say that I can’t truly think of any instance where there was a romantic overtone on any of my dates (barring one shared milkshake date which I still think was really cute). For the most part, I’ve been told that my laid back demeanor and understanding nature leads to…whatever. Insert something.

So as I ponder this latest rambling thought process, I ask you: Do you believe in romance? What is the most romantic thing you have ever experienced?

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Sexy Intimacy Love Lust Bullsh...

Your skin possesses a thin sheen, a glisten only accomplished from one of two acts of exertion. This time, it’s not the gym – Lord knows, you can’t remember when last you stepped inside of that place. A touch turns into a caress. Caress turns into that grip on your hip – the one right before your back arches – and you lose all control.

Later on, you all lie against damp sheets and discuss everything under the sun. Perhaps you don’t. Perhaps you lay there in post-bliss. You might decide to cuddle – your front to their back – or the reverse. You could even dispense with all of the above – and just go to sleep. If it’s a 4 am relationship, then maybe you’re just about headed back to the car at this point. (If you are headed to the bus, I think now would be an ideal time to consider a new 4 am relationship.)

Maybe you’re just gearing up for round 2. Or 3.

Any of the above scenarios sound familiar? They should.

If you are sexually active, then chances are, one of the following above scenarios have occurred, at some point or another. Sex, in all of its facets, is an enjoyable exertion of calories, pleasures, positions, etc. Many songs have been written about this seemingly private deed. I am 100% sure that there is not a person out there that couldn’t name at least 2 songs based on sex. (Don’t worry. I’ll wait.)

Now. Pay close attention to my next question. Of the above scenario – which was the most appealing part?

Some of you might have said the back arching part. (Especially if you are currently backed up.) Others might have quoted the cuddling as your favorite part. I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of you, however, said that you valued the whole experience. Sex without intimacy is, for all intents and purposes, simply rutting. Everyone craves intimacy in some form - whether they want to admit it or not. Often, in my opinion, intimacy is coupled with the idea that said people coupling are in some form of committed relationship – which is not necessarily the case – or is it?

So I throw out the question to you: Do you prefer sex – or intimacy? What is your definition of both? When in those moments of craving bodily contact, is it for the sex – or for the intimacy? 

Be honest…

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Disappearing Acts

"And then there're the ones who got scared when they realized I wasn't playing. 'You're too intense', one said. 'Too serious', said another one.

I told them that this wasn't high school or college, but the grown-up edition of life. They were still comfortable not having a care in the world, so I let 'em run and hide, especially the ones that needed professional help.  So now I'm taking off the blindfolds and doing the bidding myself".

- "Zora", Disappearing Acts by Terry McMillan 

 I probably should preface this by saying that I am not nearly as angry as the "Zora"s of the world...or hell, I ain't even Ms Terry mad. I'm not mad at all. I don't subscribe to "Crazy Black Woman Syndrome"...in fact, my girlfriends are convinced I am a man hiding in a woman's body...with a mean pair of shoes, a fly ass knife kit, and a fierce Mont Blanc.

But I digress...and ramble...as usual.

I'm a creature of habit and a person of patterned behaviors and exhibitions. That is to say, all of my relationships, be they jump off or otherwise, exhibit a pattern. And you may have seen me mention it before. Perhaps you haven't. The point is that there is one specific common thread: they all disappear. They pursue me with what might be considered wild, borderline obsessive abandon, and when I finally cave and give in to their charm, they back off. Of course, this is a very general assessment of my pattern - but it about sums it up - at least, in my opinion.

The first time I noticed this was about four years ago. He was the original "Disappearing Acts". Slightly older than me, attractive, well off, financially secure, kept me laughing, was Caribbean like me, and so on and so on. My guard was up at first, of course - I was coming off of the heels of the finally-off-for-good relationship with the father of my child - and I wasn't looking to get myself into a relationship. Neither was he. OK, cool, works for everyone, right? We dated - first time in my life I ever did so (seriously) - and I liked him. Like, googly eyed, "OMGhesonthephonewhatdoido?" high school liked him. But I kept my cool and proceeded at a slow but decent place. We crossed that next relationship step and everything was great.

Then something happened and all of a sudden, he disappeared. I would text him and get no response. I wish I could say that we'd gotten into some sort of disagreement or something, but we hadn't. About three months later, he hit me up like nothing had happened. I was utterly lost and I told him so. Again, keep in mind, I am obviously keeping it very general for the sake of brevity, but this is exactly what happened. I started calling him "Disappearing Acts" for that reason. We patched up that portion - but from that point on I proceeded with caution. Had a difficult time trusting him, so, admittedly, I backed away this time. He came back. We got a lot of stuff out of the way emotionally, he wanted me to meet his family (his suggestion, never mine), etc., etc, and then...

...he disappeared. Again.

I was done by then. I've since cut him off - we're cool, but I have no thoughts of pursuing anything with him at all, a fact that I made very clear. The next person - I don't really want to get into too many details, as this one is a bit sensitive for me, and not to mention that this post will go on and on if I actually get into it - but the resounding point of it would be that he disappeared, too. I will readily admit that this one shouldn't truly be considered a relationship as much as it qualifies as an "un-timed relationship".  The most recent person threw me for a loop. I had declared myself ready, you see. So when he came along, it was a bit of a smack in the face of my ready - I wasn't expecting it, nor was I expecting things to progress at the level and speed that they did (emotionally). He might have been the closest I've come to a relationship in quite some time.

I still don't really know what happened there. One day we were there - and the next, nothing. For weeks. I asked him point blank if he was interested or no - I just needed to know that I wasn't going crazy. He told me that he was, not to worry, he was just busy. That bought him about a week's worth of time. That week came and went - and I was quite over it. I can see the writing on the wall. There's busy - and then there's lack of interest. Part of it is that I'm simply entirely too understanding. And if there is one thing I've learned from my guy friends - it's if a dude is busy, no matter just how busy they are, they will find a way to be with you if that is what they want.

Which leads me, of course, to my usual self-analysis - what is it in me that causes the 'disappear' gene to rear it's unattractive head? What is the vibe that I'm putting off? This can't be any good for my already preexisting abandonment issues...And it can't be just me - others have to be experiencing something similar...

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