Emotion Commotion

“N!gga, stop playing with my effing emotions!!!”

                                                                        “I’m over you and your petty condescending bullshit!!!”

                               “You stupid c?cksucker…”

Now that I have your attention…

None of the above statements are true. They could be, though. They very well could be.

I’ve been avoiding Twitter and Facebook for a while because my emotions are at an all-time high, more so than even the norm. I’ve been going through the motions, for lack of a better word. It’s not because I’m looking at thirty. One of the things that I always say about thirty is, “one of the biggest mistakes that many of us in our late twenties make is that we get so caught up in the plan that we forget that plans should be made with room for a margin of error”.  (No Need to Panic coming soon! www.noneedtopanickp.com -->shameless plug)

So it’s not that. What is it, then?

It’s quite simple. I’m lonely.

GASP!!

What is a successful business woman and mother doing saying such things? You should be comfortable in your own skin! You should be able to survive and thrive without needing someone in your life! Huh? What kind of independent woman are YOU?

I’m an independent, successful woman who gets lonely sometimes. Simple.

And I’m not afraid to say it.

The problem with many of us as independent women is that we deny ourselves of the simple pleasure of companionship. Sometimes, it is a need, and a simple one. We tell ourselves that being confident in ourselves is enough, that we don’t need a man, we want one, we can do it all without them, yadda yadda yadda.

Ladies, please, do me a favor. Stop playing yourself.

If you are one of those women who say that to the world but you have your jumpoff that you get some from on a semi regular basis because you need the ‘release’ and then you’re good for a while, then you are playing yourself.

If you are one of those women who have shut off your emotions because he hurt you and cheated on you and you refuse to be hurt again so you shut off completely and become this bitch who sees something wrong with every man that you see, then you are playing yourself.

If you are a woman who screams to the world that you “don’t need a man” because a vibrator will do, then YOU ARE PLAYING YOURSELF.

Please do me a favor. Stop the madness.

I’m not here saying that you need a man per se. You do need companionship, however. Being alone all the time is unnatural and emotionally unhealthy. It is emotionally unhealthy because everyone, regardless of who they are, needs somebody sometimes. Period. End of story. You need to release the emotions because if you don’t, they build up to an unhealthy crescendo and then get released in a negative manner. And it’s not something that your homegirl can provide for you, it’s different and we all know it.

Some of us just try to deny that. We try to convince ourselves that we don’t need it, that’s it’s an option, that we’re okay without it, and that is called lying to yourself. Some of you are going to continue to deny it even after I’ve said it, you’re going to dispute what I’m saying, and that’s okay, if that’s what you feel that you need to do. I won’t even argue with you about it. Just know that you can lie to me if you feel you must…but don’t lie to yourself. Don’t do yourself that injustice. The reality of it is, we all need someone…and just because you are still able to make it through life without it, doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. It doesn’t mean that you are truly living, either.

But that’s another blog for another time.

Personally, I know that I need some companionship in my life. I’d love to have someone that’s my own that I can trust implicitly that can talk me down off of the proverbial ledge that my perfectionist neuroses puts me on sometimes…and sometimes, that person is just not another woman. (I mean, it can be for you, if that’s your preference, ladies. But I think you know what I mean.) I have a lot going on in my personal life that I don’t talk about a lot, and it gets really heavy sometimes. (A lot of times.) And yes, I still function and yes, I still do what I have to do, this goes without saying...but...I could use a hug and some reassurance that it’s going to be okay. I’m not ashamed to say it, either.

I actually applaud the women who are not afraid of emotions and being emotional. It takes a lot to be able to release that, and I actually think that people in touch with their emotions are stronger than they seem. It is a powerful thing to be in touch with your emotions and to let them free. Controlled ego freak that I am, it’s a hard thing for me to do.

But anyway.

That’s my diatribe. For now. I’ll get over it. I always do.

Thoughts?

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My Mother's Child

As a child growing up, I always aligned myself with my father more than my mother. Understand that I loved both of my parents dearly, and I still do. It was just a…thing for me. I didn’t see what I had in common with my mother. Why, you ask? My father was the logical thinker. Anything he did was based on a logical train of thought that led to a well thought out conclusion. Not so much with my mother. My mother was a creature of more than just habit. Passive aggressive by nature, she often let her emotions guide her thoughts, actions, and deeds.

I was telling a friend of mine just yesterday that growing up with parents that were significantly older than the average parental unit left me feeling older than I was for years. As a child growing up, I would often examine situations and scenarios with a certain air of adult thought processes that endeared me to my parents’ friends but alienated me from my peers. It is with that thought process that I would examine my mother’s behaviors and, subsequently, endear myself with my father. After all, despite how I felt about a situation, I knew how to tackle my emotions and learned how not to let said emotions affect my decision making process.

I don’t know when I evolved into my mother’s child.

Somewhere in my growth process, somewhere in the process of me “preparing for 30”, I have become my mother’s child. I have allowed my emotions on certain topics to make decisions for me – decisions that five years ago, I wouldn’t even have remotely considered. Your emotions, when they make decisions for you, are a dangerous thing. They have the power to make you ignore your moral compass…or to make impulsive decisions…or to even hold on to inappropriate thoughts and feelings. It was the very thing that I criticized my mother about constantly…the very thing that I have found myself, in recent years, doing.

I am my mother’s child. I am more of my mother’s child than I ever imagined. It is not something that I am proud of. Please do not misunderstand me. I LOVE my mother. And I am glad that I have aspects of her in me. Just not this aspect. Acting on emotions was never something that I ever wanted to do…and it’s something that I am working on fixing. Yes, I know…you can’t control how you feel…but I am damn sure gonna try.

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Guard Up...Self-Analysis 2 (The Year Before 30 Series)

There is something about being guarded that intrigues and saddens me all at once.

I’ve always seen myself as this open and honest person, always willing to place my feelings, no matter what they may be, out there on the line for all to examine. When it comes to the people that I am closest to, however, I clam up. At first, I thought that it was a recent thing, but when I go back into my archives, I realize that this is a recurring trend for me.

Why is that?

I don’t do it all the time. It’s a Sagittarius trait, I believe, not so much a phase that I go through, but more so an approach to what I say and when I say it. It is an unconscious fear of being judged – of revealing too much, if you will. I believe that we all do it in varying aspects of our relationships, but I’ve realized this week that I do it much more than I think. I’ve had no less than three people (one of my best friends, one a very close friend, and then my cousin, all in that order) this week tell me the same thing.

I am guarded. But why?

I think about the things that I tend to self-filter…the things that I don’t say sometimes when every instinct screams, “say what you’re thinking, KP…” I think about what makes me immediately stop myself from saying it all. Sometimes, it is out of genuine fear of the reaction from the party I’m speaking to, sort of like when you reveal just how deeply you feel for someone, knowing that they didn’t want to know or they don’t feel the same way – that feeling of “why the hell did I just say that?” Other times, it is a simple moment of not wanting to become so vulnerable that the person you are talking to has a reason, any reason, to think differently of you, to use any of the information against you for any reason whatsoever.

It’s a weird feeling that I cannot explain. Every time I feel myself becoming entirely too vulnerable, saying too much, if you will, I clam up. Sometimes I do it obviously – other times, it is a subtle retreat, a retreat that even I sometimes do not notice, until someone else points it out (as one of my best friends pointed out, I ‘filter’ sometimes). More often than not, it is my defense mechanism, as well as my way of not being burdensome. Being an overactive thinker, I know in my heart that when I really start to spill my thoughts, I mean really spill, I can be intense…and then I feel bad for being so intense. I’m always thinking about what someone else’s feelings are – maybe they don’t feel like hearing about my shit over and over.

Even as I tell them it is okay to talk to me.

As of late, I am overtly conscious of my actions with the people that I care about, in part because while I could care less about the masses’ opinions of me, I do care about how the people I care about view me. With all of the varying assessments of me that I’ve heard this week, I am reminded why I don’t care about other people’s opinions very much – you can become obsessed with it. And whereas I am grateful for the blunt honesty that I received this week, somewhat of a reality check – I often wonder if it will make a difference in the person that I am – or, moreover, if I will finally decide to just let loose and stop guarding myself.

*shrugs* We’ll see. I’m working on it.

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Logic vs Emotion - Self Analysis 1 (The Year Before 30 Series)

Logic: 2. a particular method of reasoning or argumentation; 4. convincing forcefulness; inexorable truth or persuasiveness [dictionary.com] 

Emotion: c : a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioural changes in the body [m-w.com]

It is always an interesting phenomenon when logic and emotion interrelate within the same space. I chose to define the two words because, as you all who follow my musings well know by now, I have a tendency to analyze and even overanalyze scenarios until I can either make sense of them, or until at least I am in enough of a position to deal with them as they are.

According to the definition, logic lends to a particular method of reasoning. We can all relate to this. How many times have you said to someone, “if you look at the logic of the situation”...when referencing a scenario, any scenario? We use the term logic loosely, in my personal opinion, to justify actions taken, to explain away otherwise distorted and confused views, opinions, or thought processes. A persuasive speaker can get a less swift person to accept their words as truth by swaying them with not easily broken logic.

Even if, in reality, they are lying through their teeth.

In contrast, emotion, always the stepchild of rationale, is pegged as a conscious mental reaction experienced as a strong feeling...and accompanied by physiological and behavioural changes in the body.

*peers at hives on leg*

It never ceases to amaze me how much emotion plays into everyday life...how much it has the potential to affect even the smallest of movements. Many of us may not exercise logic...but we all feel, whether we want to admit it or not. We all are subjected to varying levels of emotions, based on life’s daily occurrences. How often have we heard the phrase, “I can’t help what I feel”.

Can we? Help how we feel, that is?

Logic implies a certain level of practicality. It is reasoning at its finest. Even in situations like the one I currently have been stressing over (still peers at hives), the rationale that led to my decision was a decision steeped in logic. In fact, it reminds me of the only part of math I actually liked: logic statements were simple and to the point, the logic statement if p then q being the perfect analogy. (Yes, I am using modus tollens. Yes, I am a nerd. It is what it is.) If I prove p, then q automatically follows. If I can’t prove p, then no q. Simple. And we do it all the time – we use conditional reasoning in order to prove our point about something. There is a layer of fact in logic, even if the logic is faulty. Emotion, conversely, is just that. Emotional. Devoid of logic. It is the subsequent feeling that accompanies a difficult decision.

There is an implied balance between these two seemingly different things. I am working on being able to separate the two in difficult situations. One of my best friends told me early this morning that many times, the physiological changes that come as a result of emotion are all in my head – because everyone else who is aware of the concern doesn’t have the same attachment...or the same symptoms. (sound like the definition?) The suggestion was that in order to eliminate the problem, the solution was to separate the emotion from the situation and apply logic...and then take the negative energy being applied to the previous emotion and apply it somewhere more effective.

I’m working on it.

What do you think of the divide between emotion and logic? Do you feel that there actually a divide? If placed in a difficult situation, could you separate your feelings from the logical fact of the situation? Are you a logical person or an emotional person? Why? Can you be both? 

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The 3 AM Post

The 3 am Post

This is one of those open letters to myself because I have to write it down posts. 

One of those I want to talk but not really because I want you to fix it, I don't want a hug posts.

A I feel like crying because I'm not sure what I did if I did how I did something wrong posts.

You know the post.

It's the post that only a Sag can write because they're busy overanalyzing and being, well, a Sag.

It's the post you write when you have so much to say and nowhere to put all of the emotion that comes with the saying, and you know that saying it is a bad idea so you write a post instead post.

It's that post that comes after the "hold on, I've said too much" losing my religion REM style post.

The "someone just walked away with all my stuff" Ntozake Shange for colored girls circa 1975 post.

It's the post...itsthepostyouwrite when you're scared to do anything. else.

So you write. 

- KP

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Naked and Exposed

Everything is a bit raw right now. 


You ever feel so naked and exposed, like everyone can see right through you for who you are? Ever wonder if that's a good idea or not? 


That's me. That's me in a nutshell and I don't know what to make of it. 


This is more than just a Sagittarius thing. This is a 'nobody's supposed to be here' thing and it's making me mad. 


So I met this guy recently and I really liked him. He really liked me - at least I thought he did. We were on that talk every day tip, making plans, yadda yadda yadda. He asked me why I liked him...and I told him. I'm a writer and I'm an intense, passionate person by nature...so when he asked me why, I went in. I figured that we had been so honest with each other prior to this moment, why not lay it all out there? What did I have to lose?


Apparently, a lot, because now I barely hear from him. 


The one before him, he's as intense and passionate as me, in my opinion. Told me not to like him from the door. I wasn't prepared for how charming he was, though, and I understood after a while why he told me not to like him...because cot dammit, he's easily likable. Lovable. Whatever.


Why I feel like tearing up right now, I don't know. 


This is what I mean. I feel so naked and exposed right now, so much so that I haven't even had the opportunity to edit my words...to suppress my emotions...to not let everyone know what's going on in my head...all I want right now is the answers to why. I wanna know why they keep disappearing on me. I need to figure out what it is in my energy that is sending off this 'disappearing act' vibe. 


Believe me...this is the first and last time that I plan on putting these emotions into words. 


In fact...it's time to just figure it out. To the KP cave I go...

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Sagittarius KP Woes (A New Season)

I am one of the most passionate people you know. Truly. Take that whatever way you'd like.

I kiss.

I tell.

I exude confidence and uncertainty all at the same time.

And I am approaching a new season.

I truly believe that people do not ever change: they simply adapt to the situation that they are in until a) the situation changes in such a manner that they feel free to expose more of their true self, or b) until their true self seeps out unexpectedly. What changes is a person's situation, their surroundings, and the people in their lives. That's about it.

With that said, as a Sagittarius, I have found myself evaluating recently what I say to people: any person, be it a close friend or a distant acquaintance. By now, depending on how long you have been following my ramblings, you probably have noticed my internal battles with not just what I say and how I say it, but with speaking from the heart first and the mind second. I don't ever regret what I say to people or how I say it...I simply find myself questioning whether or not I should say anything at all.

I observe much more than the average person realizes. One thing that I have noticed when saying something in my traditional 'no filter' fashion is a person's outward laughter - but their body language cringes. I find it interesting to watch people's reactions to me and what I say. That isn't the purpose of this post, though. I have been censoring myself more and more for a number of reasons, the largest being that I'm not sure that my thoughts are for everyone. Those of you that are reading this that truly know me may be ready to cut me off now and say, "OK, cut it out". But I'm serious. I find myself wanting to say more and more less and less. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex.

A true Sagittarius enters potential relationships with an open mind and their guards up. If they see potential, the guards come crashing down. Why? Because if a Sagittarius likes you, they give their everything. (at least, the Sags I know are like that.) The obvious issue with this is, unless you find your soul mate after the first shot, are you giving your everything to each person you meet until you meet that 'one'? The obvious response to this should be 'no'...and the average person will say, 'well, stop giving your all to every damn body yuh meet, yuh rass...' (oh. wait. that's me who'd say that).

And it is currently what I am saying to myself. I am such an honest person that I realize I can reveal too much about me in my honest revelries. Sometimes, the people that other people surround themselves with are not the right match for you. As a result, they don't need to know your business. I have to remind myself of this every time I gather the urge to be too honest. The other thing is - for me - that I am coming upon this new season where my self-analysis is at an all time high. This will mean more being critical of me - and less to say. Sometimes...less is more. Seriously.

What do you think? Thoughts, please...

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The Trust Game (Self-Analysis #3 of...)

I trust people too easily.

After all this time, after close to 30 years of being on this Earth, of being betrayed and tricked and used by enough people to know better...I still trust too easily.

Ok, wait. That's not necessarily true. Lemme backtrack for a second.

Growing up, all I ever wanted to do was fit in. I would always make friends easily enough...I was told I was engaging, charming, and witty/funny/smart. (No cockiness, either. Just what I was told.) After a while, though, one of two things would happen: either I would become close with someone and our relationship would stand the test of time, or I would become very close with the person until I saw that they weren't meeting my expectations of what I think a friend should be, and I would eventually cut them off.

Fast forward to present day: I have my circle of people that I consider my ride or dies. It's a pretty concrete circle...for now. Every now and again, a newcomer makes their way into the inner sanctum of my life and impresses me enough that I allow them access to me. This, for people who know me, is no small feat. The problem then comes when after a short period of time that I realize that this person was here for a season and that their season is done and that it is time for them to go. My issue with this is that I feel like I've been meeting a lot of seasons lately, and, as allyuh may very well know by now, whenever some action repeats itself, I take a step back and examine why it is that it keeps happening to me so that I can prevent it from happening again. Growing pains and all that.

One thing that I know for sure is that I have this sense of trust that comes from meeting people that seem to be on Team Me. I tend to become elated and instantly close with people who give off a positive energy and appear to support me and my endeavors, and genuinely seem to care about me. It is after a short period of time that I start to examine their actual motives...and I wish that I could catch on sooner, so that I could avoid them having so much access to me. It's weird, because this is a unisex problem of mine - guys and girls.

It amazes me that I still have this desire, this need, to fit in. Not nearly as much as before - the switch in me doesn't really allow me to succumb to this need as much anymore - but every now and again I realize that this need still exists somewhat. So interesting, to me. As it stands, I am working on keeping my circle the same size - no more, no less. And those who keep using me as an option - they know who they are, they just don't realize that I know this - will soon find themselves outside the circle. The beauty of gaining infinite amounts of self-confidence is that it supports me where I lack in playing the right moves in this trust game.

Do you find yourself trusting or opening up easily? What is your take on it? Discuss and ponder...

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The Cumulus Cloud that is Sex, Love, and Marriage

So this past weekend, my Dashing Divas (we shall call them Chef (me), International, Fashionista, and Ivy League) and I went to Atlantic City to release some tension, go on vacation, and...well...be divas, of course. We got the chance to hang out and be splendiferously (yes, this is a word today) fabulous. Check us out! 

 

Now. During one of our many visits to the various casino buffets (I've been eating better, so I kept it healthy), we got to talking about relationships. And sex. And more relationships. But definitely about sex. I love hearing different points of view on matters of the heart, amongst other things. We touched on some taboo topics (which I will not elaborate on to protect the innocent...*wink*), as well as some deep seated matters of the heart. We talked about sugar daddies, older men, the perfect wedding, getting what you want out of a relationship, the definition of love, etc. One of the more interesting topics that came up were the extent that one would go to in order to ensure happiness. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

So I asked myself: what do I need to be happy? I mean, there's my daughter. She's a big portion of it. There's my business. Being a business woman definitely makes me happy. My family and friends, of course. But when it comes to that romantic happy, that happy when your soul stretches every morning, it smiles and then the world smiles with you, that 'I cannot wait to see (insert partner's name or nickname here)' giddyness...well, what do I need for that to be happy? Am I even prepared to be happy? Allyuh already know how I feel about relationships and love...

So I ask you, my readers: what are your requirements for romantically emotional happiness? Speak...ponder...discuss...

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Emotionally Unavailable? Yep, That's Me (Self Analysis #1 of...)

I said I was going to do this. I do my best to do what I say I'm going to do.

Self analysis is one thing. Self analysis with an audience is another.

Sigh.

So. I love reading other people's blogs. I think that it gives me insight on a lot of levels. 1. It helps me to be a better blogger, 2. It helps me see what the blog world is talking about, and 3. (and most important to me) it really is great to see what other's opinions are, especially when they're well versed.

One of the blogs I love reading is Naked With Socks On. NWSO does a great job of analyzing relationship and sexual issues, and his Wet Wednesdays usually leave me needing a wet rag...well...you know what? That's not for this blog.

So anyway. I was checking out his midnight post tonight as I attempted to put together my blog posts for Confessions of an Ex-Foodie, and the first thing I read was: "Will I Ever Make Time for Love?" All I could think of was, "Wow. Was he reading my mind or something?" A couple of days ago, I surely was trying to figure out how I was going to stay on my grind and grind for love at the same time. Then again, I'm the same person that doesn't know what love is.

Sheesh. What is going on in my brain? It's time for me to sort this out. Seriously.

And here I am. Sorting this out. Productive, isn't it? Okok. I'm going to stop rambling for just a second and actually string some thoughts together that make sense. Part of my issue is that I'm like a switch. But then, if you've been reading this for a while, then you know this. And I always said it wasn't healthy. It's not and I know this. Sometimes I'd actually like to be much more in tune with my feelings and my emotions. I'm great at giving advice...in fact, I find myself advising my friends often. I'm good with coming up with ideas and that sort of thing. But put me in an emotionally stressful situation and off goes the switch (or on, depending). I am good and emotionally unavailable. I know, I know, I know. It's not healthy. But it's safe for me. *shrugs* Right?

But what about throwing caution to the wind and just doing the not so safe thing? Ehh. I don't know that I wanna. I know I talked all that smack about how easy it is for me to grind for my career and my dreams but ask me about grinding for love and you'll get the *blank stare* from me. Although I can honestly say that I'm working on it. Sorta. Kinda. Ok, so maybe it's more like I'm going to work on it, as soon as I conjure up enough nerve. Which I have. Kinda. Sorta.

Oh, for crying out loud. I don't know!!

I'll tell you what I do know. I know that I love. Hard. Really and truly. Like, world on a silver platter hard. Like, last dollar in my bank account hard. I really am a ride or die type of person. And granted, past relationships have taught me that no matter what, do not lose sight of yourself in your quest to be joined. But a part of me, a big part of me worries and wonders if when I find that special someone that makes me a priority and not a monthly option, when I get to that place where I'm ready to be with someone in that kind of way, if I won't lapse back into that person that gives her all and everything and forgets who she is in the process. Who forgets what she's trying to be and become in the process. That is a huge worry for me.

There's more to that above. There really is. But that is for another blog and another time.

Are you emotionally unavailable or know someone who is emotionally unavailable in love and relationships? What is your take on this? Speak...discuss...comment...

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Am I Ready For Love?

"I'd quickly give my freedom/To be held in your captivity/I am ready for love/All of the joy and the pain/And all the time that it takes/Just to stay in your good grace"

India.Arie, "Ready For Love" 

I've always asked myself if I knew what it means to love someone. I mean, I thought I did. When I was with my daughter's father (a topic that I have yet to touch on and I doubt that I ever will, at least not on here), I thought I loved him. I know that I was willing to give quite a bit of myself to ensure that we were happy and secure in whatever or wherever we did. And I suppose that, in some small form, I did indeed, love him, in whatever I thought love was at that time. (So maybe I will touch on it, a little.) I know that at the time, what I thought was mature was far from it. We were two people, having great sex that we confused to be love fighting to be on the same wavelength, forcing square pegs into round holes. A beautiful child resulted from this Samson and Goliath fight - a child that I thank God for every day - and that is probably the only the good thing that came of that battle. 

Wait. I'm being unfair. That's not exactly true. The warrior scars that I received from that fight taught me many things. It taught me that my instincts are intense and powerful and that I should trust them. It taught me that when someone tells you who they are, believe them. It taught me that I need to be with a Caribbean man if I am ever to be with someone permanently. (I'm sorry, American/other men!) It taught me many things. The most important thing it taught me - part of the reason for this particular blog - is that I don't know what love truly is.

So to backpedal a little. This morning, headed to work, I hop on the train as usual, throw my Skull Candy in my ears, and open up my iPod on my phone to determine what I am going to sleep listen to on my way in. I had downloaded India.Arie's first album recently because I heard it in one of my good friend's cars and I figured it'd be a good addition to my ITunes. I knew that the song "Ready for Love" was on there, I had heard it before, and thought it was an intensely beautiful song. This morning, as usual, I fell asleep listened to music until about two stops before I had to get off. When I woke up, "Ready for Love" was playing. I debated skipping the song - it had a tendency to make me emotional and I wasn't really digging that - but I decided to let it rock for the moment. 

When I tell all yuh that it smacked me in the face this dreary morning...

I mean, it really hit me. Hard. I realized why it made me so emotional every time I heard it. It wasn't because I was ready and was just ready to soak up all this love. It was because I wasn't ready. I mean, really. I thought I was ready for everything that love had to offer.  But I'm not! I don't even think I know what love is. I'm very serious. If you take a moment to read/listen to the words to this song, you'll understand my sudden epiphany. I'm not even sure how to express how I feel about this. It's so odd. I'll be working this newest self discovery about me out in several forthcoming blogs. 

But now I ask you: what is love to you? Do you think that love is as intense and fulfilling as India.Arie puts it? When did you know that you were ready to love and be loved?

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