There is something about being guarded that intrigues and saddens me all at once.
I’ve always seen myself as this open and honest person, always willing to place my feelings, no matter what they may be, out there on the line for all to examine. When it comes to the people that I am closest to, however, I clam up. At first, I thought that it was a recent thing, but when I go back into my archives, I realize that this is a recurring trend for me.
Why is that?
I don’t do it all the time. It’s a Sagittarius trait, I believe, not so much a phase that I go through, but more so an approach to what I say and when I say it. It is an unconscious fear of being judged – of revealing too much, if you will. I believe that we all do it in varying aspects of our relationships, but I’ve realized this week that I do it much more than I think. I’ve had no less than three people (one of my best friends, one a very close friend, and then my cousin, all in that order) this week tell me the same thing.
I am guarded. But why?
I think about the things that I tend to self-filter…the things that I don’t say sometimes when every instinct screams, “say what you’re thinking, KP…” I think about what makes me immediately stop myself from saying it all. Sometimes, it is out of genuine fear of the reaction from the party I’m speaking to, sort of like when you reveal just how deeply you feel for someone, knowing that they didn’t want to know or they don’t feel the same way – that feeling of “why the hell did I just say that?” Other times, it is a simple moment of not wanting to become so vulnerable that the person you are talking to has a reason, any reason, to think differently of you, to use any of the information against you for any reason whatsoever.
It’s a weird feeling that I cannot explain. Every time I feel myself becoming entirely too vulnerable, saying too much, if you will, I clam up. Sometimes I do it obviously – other times, it is a subtle retreat, a retreat that even I sometimes do not notice, until someone else points it out (as one of my best friends pointed out, I ‘filter’ sometimes). More often than not, it is my defense mechanism, as well as my way of not being burdensome. Being an overactive thinker, I know in my heart that when I really start to spill my thoughts, I mean really spill, I can be intense…and then I feel bad for being so intense. I’m always thinking about what someone else’s feelings are – maybe they don’t feel like hearing about my shit over and over.
Even as I tell them it is okay to talk to me.
As of late, I am overtly conscious of my actions with the people that I care about, in part because while I could care less about the masses’ opinions of me, I do care about how the people I care about view me. With all of the varying assessments of me that I’ve heard this week, I am reminded why I don’t care about other people’s opinions very much – you can become obsessed with it. And whereas I am grateful for the blunt honesty that I received this week, somewhat of a reality check – I often wonder if it will make a difference in the person that I am – or, moreover, if I will finally decide to just let loose and stop guarding myself.
*shrugs* We’ll see. I’m working on it.
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