Scared to Settle

I might have settled if I hadn’t gotten that phone call that day.

Or, rather, not gotten that phone call.

I’ll explain this later.

We are so cynical in this day and age. To be considered a romantic, be it a hopeless one or otherwise, is usually considered silly and inappropriate. After all, there is no such thing as your soul mate, and if there is, there might be more than one…you have to make things work with someone if they’re not working, there’s no such thing as the perfect person…I could go on.

So why do I have a hard time believing this?

Allyuh know I like to define things that are on my mind so as to have a clear path to explain my thoughts down the road, and this time is, of course, no different. My man Merriam Webster defines a soul mate as “a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament”. While that definition is exceedingly vague, its meaning is not. Your soul mate should complement your nuances, all of them. And this doesn’t mean that they should be exactly like you, now. In fact…being exactly like someone is boring. I like the tiny conflicts that come from disagreements. I like being able to debate topics. I like to have balance.

I talk about topics like this because they have a way of becoming recurring themes in my life. With my circle all approaching 30 this year (if they didn’t already turn 30 last year), those of us that aren’t married or in committed relationships find ourselves unwittingly wondering if we will ever meet that fabled ‘soul mate’…or if we already have. Now having said that...

Wait. I haven’t been random in a long time. Lemme jump for a second.

I have this recurring dream that I am stood up at the altar. It’s been a recurring dream for the past four years. I’ve analyzed it from every angle, every perspective, every viewpoint (and why not? I’ve been having the same dream for years!), and I always come back to the fact that I’m scared to give my all to one person for fear of being abandoned. The fear of abandonment, for me, is a valid fear. If you know me, you know this to be true. In this dream, once or twice, the person who stood me up was none other than the original Disappearing Acts. When you take into consideration, though, that he happens to be a lying sack of shit…There is no worry that he will do that in real life, though.

*cues MJ “She’s Gone from My Life*

Anyway…

More recently, I had a dream that I left someone standing at the altar. I dreamt that one of my best friends talked me into marrying someone I was seeing because they were good for me, but when I got to the front of the church to say “I do”, I had a panic attack and couldn’t do it, so I left him there. I won’t tell you what happened in the rest of the dream (that’s a topic for a whole ‘nother blog), but what I will tell you is that this dream caused me as much anxiety as the last one. Me? Leave someone at the altar?

Wait…me?? SETTLE?

The only way I could ever imagine myself leaving someone at the altar is if I knew that I was settling and I couldn’t live with that choice. I am big on being happy. So big on it, in fact, that I set my life up in such a manner so that I can, indeed, be happy. With that said…I couldn’t imagine settling for someone, no matter how much I fear ending up alone. Yes, there are times that you have to work with the person that you are with – but that’s not settling, and that’s not what I mean by settling. Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean that they are the right person for you. The right person, in my eyes, is not just someone that loves you. There are a lot of people that love me.

But…

The right person, in my eyes, is the person that you can’t get out of your mind, even when you try…the person that makes you better…that knows your flaws and accepts them, but doesn’t try to change them…yet they work with you on them…the person that takes the time to understand you, your loves, and your nuances…who supports you unconditionally but isn’t afraid to tell you that you’re effing up…they are the person that you find yourself sharing everything with, even the things you never wanted to share…the person that you couldn’t imagine not being in your life, even when they piss you off (and they will).

And so on and so forth.

The person for me is the person that makes me feel all of that, all of the above and then some. So I was sick to my stomach when I realized this morning that I almost settled for someone who wasn’t that. When I was trying to be in a relationship a while back, I was all set to go on a trip to meet this person’s family for the holidays…but it didn’t happen. I never got the phone call that they were on their way. Why didn’t it happen? The details are not as important as the revelation that this person didn’t want what I wanted, for one reason or another…but more importantly, if this person left my life, I wouldn’t miss them.

And I can’t be with someone who I wouldn’t miss if they weren’t around. Neither should you.

Only time will tell if I will have to settle for less than what I truly want. Yes, everyone has a soul mate…but I don’t think everyone gets to be with that person. Life has a way of throwing curve balls into the mix. So only time will tell what will happen…but as much as I fear being alone…I fear settling even more.

So I won’t.

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The Side Chick

So I wasn’t going to comment on a lot of the statuses/posts/tweets I’ve been seeing this weekend.

I know, I know. I always speak my mind, right? So why different this time?

I wasn’t going to comment because I didn’t think it needed my “Caribbean Rambler” stamp on it.

But...after seeing this for what seems like the 100^th time today, I felt the need to say a quick something about it.

First off, Happy National Side Chick Day!!! (e-confetti, glitter spins) O_o

(Yup, I’m going there today.)

I almost want to post this to Facebook and tag all the people this weekend that I’ve seen address this over the weekend, but there is a tag limit on these things, I know. Not to mention that you don’t need me to tell you who you are. You know who you are.

I didn’t realize that today was a national holiday – the precursor before Valentine’s Day, if you will. I mean, never mind that Valentine’s Day is such a day of mixed emotions – the lonely and bitter ones cursing the day because they’re lonely, the happy ones posting all of their Valentine’s Day goodies, the lonely and hopeful landing somewhere in the middle…Valentine’s Day in and of itself has the potential to cause lots of drama. I mean, as we all know (prepare for sarcasm), Valentine’s Day is the only day of the year that one can express their appreciation for the ones that they love. Husbands, boyfriends, do me and yourselves a favor this upcoming V-Day: make sure you get your shorty something, if you ever intend on getting buns today or in the near future. If she says she doesn't want something, she is lying. Trust me. Even if she insists. She wants something. She wants you to get it anyway.

But this post is not for the happily/unhappily/situations in love.

This post is for the side chick in all of us.

I just want to start off by saying that I don’t say this to encourage infidelity. For myself, I have never cheated on anyone I’ve been with a day in my life, which becomes interesting when you assess that at least half of the people I have been with cannot say the same. (I’m not bitter. Seriously. No sarcasm. It’s all a lesson learned.) I firmly believe that if you’re with dude or shorty, and you’re not happy, and you have the power with which to either fix the problem or leave, then do so. Cheating solves nothing and complicates everything.

Having said that…

Raise your hand if you’ve been or know a side chick.

(raises hand, patiently waits)

There should be a lot more hands up than there are right now. *raises eyebrow*

OK. OK. I’ll stop. I’m not blowing anyone’s spot today.

What I will say is this: there are a lot of us out there, using social media as a platform with which to be uber judgmental. As many people as I’ve seen putting down the ‘side chick’ these past few days, how many of those same people have side chicks? Know side chicks? Encourage the side chick phenomenon? Hell, how many of your parents have been the/encouraged the side chick thing?

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Now, again, I don’t condone behavior or encourage it. I’m not offering an opinion on the side chick one way or the other. But if there is one thing I have learned these past few years, it is this: you can never walk in someone’s shoes unless you’ve walked in their shoes. And it is with that said that I say this: stop playing out the side chick. Leave them be and stop pointing the finger. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and actions, and I don’t care what you think you might do or not do or what you think something is, you can never say unless you’ve been there. Everyone has a higher power to answer to eventually. Let them answer to it. After all…lots of you pointing the finger have a/are the side chick, aren’t you? *wink* #imjustsaying…

That is all.

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The Romance Seeker

Wanted: purple tinged hyacinths with a sole calla lily, accompanied by a walk along the water’s side/snuggling up by a fireplace/strolling along the beach at sunset (options for the seasons). Must appear interested in actual conversation without forgetting to subtly compliment said companion. Should close the evening by being escorted to one’s door and a kiss good night. Home cooked meal – basket style optional.

See? I told allyuh I could be a girl sometimes.

My cousin and I got to talking about relationships and romance. She asked me the same question that I posed on my Facebook page: “Do you believe in romance? What is the most romantic thing you have ever experienced?”

What prompted this blog was the amount of time that it actually took me to answer that question.

Huh.

I’ve been on dates before. Granted, my dating history is limited – I didn’t start actually dating until 2005, close to 2006. (I’m not kidding.) Prior to that I’d been in an on again, off again, why-did-I-DO-that-again relationship with the father of my child.  I was a serial monogamist in my younger years, and when I would try to date, I would find myself in a relationship with said person, and then the dynamic would change. Apparently, in the relationships that I was in, dating was not a necessity – why date? You already got the guy/girl!

At least, that’s what my then boyfriend explained to me.

As single as I am now, I realize that my dating experience is still rather limited. The most dating I’ve ever done was this year – I got two…nope, three whole dates out of them before they disappeared. I suppose that’s all for the best, though. Everything happens for a reason. At any rate, there were those three dates, plus enough to count on one hand that I’ve ever been on. Not a one included flowers, or anything that might be considered romantic.

What the hell is romance, anyway? Merriam-Webster (oh come nuh, allyuh know I does define tings already!) defines romance as, “: to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery”. From what I’ve been told of myself, I’m ‘pretty confident on my own’, I’m ‘easy going and don’t appear to demand much attention’, and, my personal favorite, ‘I thought you’d be insulted if I got you something. I know how you independent women are’.

Now. *scratches head* I’ve never been the type of independent woman to demand that everything be done the way I’d want it done, in the sense that…ok, the easier way of putting this is, I’m not that ‘Destiny’s Child Independent Woman’. I don’t refuse gifts; I’m not a bitch about my independence. I always say that I am independent by need, not necessarily by desire. (It’s hard to explain.)

With all that said, I can honestly say that I can’t truly think of any instance where there was a romantic overtone on any of my dates (barring one shared milkshake date which I still think was really cute). For the most part, I’ve been told that my laid back demeanor and understanding nature leads to…whatever. Insert something.

So as I ponder this latest rambling thought process, I ask you: Do you believe in romance? What is the most romantic thing you have ever experienced?

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To Marry or Not to Marry? (Self-Analysis #2 of...)

"Do you want to get married?" "Don't you?" "Girl, you don't know what you want your wedding dress to look like?" [blank stare] "Why won't you have more kids?" "When will you have more kids?" These are the questions that I have been bombarded with lately, in particular the last week. Apparently, I have the "You're Not Getting Older & You Need to Find Someone" sign on my forehead and I missed the memo and the accompanying picture. 

I'm jumping directions for a second. I swear it'll all make sense in the end.

"It's been like starring in a film, being with you...A film where London is gorgeous and everything sparkles, and I feel like a million dollars. But the thing is, my life's more like a sitcom. Low budget. Ad breaks. I need that vegging-out-in-front-of-the-television time that you hate. You're in love with a part of me, but I can't be like that all the time." - 'Melissa', the little lady agency and the prince by Hester Browne

So I read chick lit. It's entertaining...don't judge me! LOL.

I think it's the unwitting romantic in me that enjoys reading books by Sophia Kinsella, Hester Browne, Meg Cabot, and my all-time favorite chick-lit-meets-KP-style authoress, Jennifer Crusie. All these authors have a way with words...comical story lines, quick wit, relatable characters, etc., etc. To me, what generally brings their stories to life for me is that relatability: that opportunity to see a piece of me in the characters that they describe so vividly.

More and more as of late (and this could be due to that big 3-0 approaching), I find myself thinking about what my issue is. I'm sure some of it is due to my unwavering desire to be a punk. I have a few eligible bachelors on my tail, so to speak. Why haven't I snagged any of them? Are they just not right for me and I'm just biding my time with them? Or am I ready to confront my feelings and either **** or get off the pot, and I just haven't done it yet? What is it?

A large portion of me realizes that I'm afraid of the everyday stuff. What happens when the curtains are closed and the pretenses are gone. Friends of mine (both platonic and otherwise) have this impression of me as a strong minded, strong willed individual. No holds barred. Don't really give a damn about your opinion. And they'd be right...the majority of the time.

But sometimes...I'm sensitive and vulnerable. I'm unsure of what lays ahead. I'm cranky and irritable and not sure if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not always sure that I'm doing a good job. And so on and so forth. But if I always feel as if I have to play this role...then how will I ever uncover who is meant to be for me? Who's going to be OK with me liking them and them liking me? Who I may eventually...marry? *shrugs*


I said I was going to be doing ongoing self analysis...here's part two of I don't know how many...


Have you ever felt pressure from the people around you who want to 'marry' you off? What is your answer for them? What is your take on marriage?

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The Economics of Infidelity

So I got to reading the best book ever: 


More Sex is Safer Sex by Steven E. Landsburg is a book that likens economic concepts and challenges with, well, promiscuity. What's that you say? Sex and money in one book? I'm for it!! *wink*


But anyway. I'm going to talk about sex. And economics. But mostly sex. 


Right.


So...when I started reading the book, Landsburg had me cracking up. He's really a rather dry and witty fellow. In it, he points out, "Whether you're...having sex, saving or spending...your actions have costs and benefits. As long as you feel all the costs and benefits, you'll tend to get the quantity right. You'll...have the right number of children, or choose the right number of sex partners. But if you feel only the benefits while someone else feels the costs, you'll tend to overindulge."


And there you have it. It's so true! Look at all of the celebrities nowadays that have been put under the microscope because they decided to 'overindulge'. Tiger Woods. Jesse James. Tiki Barber. And that's only within the past six months. Infidelity is always a topic of controversy - and, by default, entertainment. There is supply and demand in the promotion and publication of cheating!! I mean, people have been cheating since men and women figured out where to put it! I was on my Facebook page, chatting about it with my friend, and I felt compelled to point out:

"There are two distinct issues: 1. The media's need to supply controversy...and the capitalistic blood in the large masses' need to demand drama and gossip...supply and demand, kiddo...anyone who says that they're not about capitalism LIED! Think about it: the media's not going to sell anything that no one's asking for...how many people do YOU know who say that they hate the negativity of the media, but are like crack fiends to their boob tube (geesh I'm old!) when any coon...I, I mean, VH1 reality TV show comes on?

2. People think it's such a recent surge in infidelity...it's not...not by a long shot. We just have the means now to talk about it en masse...pick someone famous...in fact, pick 10 famous people and I'll bet you that 9 of them have chased a piece of tail at least once that wasn't theirs....why? Because they could! Tiger, Jesse, (our) Jesse, Tiki, Bill (Cosby), they all just managed to get caught......"

There you have it. The economics of infidelity. So now I ask - are we just doomed to continue to repeat the same cycles over and over? I mean, we realize now that there are many reasons that people cheat, but the main reason is that they can. Simple. After that, of course, is the reason that people, in general, are afraid to do things that may not be easy and don't have an immediate benefit. It's like I said about grinding: people will grind for their jobs because there is money, prestige, and immediate rewards involved. So why not work towards something concrete, instead of sticking allyuh parts inna everybody tail? What are we so afraid of?


Discuss.

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The Cumulus Cloud that is Sex, Love, and Marriage

So this past weekend, my Dashing Divas (we shall call them Chef (me), International, Fashionista, and Ivy League) and I went to Atlantic City to release some tension, go on vacation, and...well...be divas, of course. We got the chance to hang out and be splendiferously (yes, this is a word today) fabulous. Check us out! 

 

Now. During one of our many visits to the various casino buffets (I've been eating better, so I kept it healthy), we got to talking about relationships. And sex. And more relationships. But definitely about sex. I love hearing different points of view on matters of the heart, amongst other things. We touched on some taboo topics (which I will not elaborate on to protect the innocent...*wink*), as well as some deep seated matters of the heart. We talked about sugar daddies, older men, the perfect wedding, getting what you want out of a relationship, the definition of love, etc. One of the more interesting topics that came up were the extent that one would go to in order to ensure happiness. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

So I asked myself: what do I need to be happy? I mean, there's my daughter. She's a big portion of it. There's my business. Being a business woman definitely makes me happy. My family and friends, of course. But when it comes to that romantic happy, that happy when your soul stretches every morning, it smiles and then the world smiles with you, that 'I cannot wait to see (insert partner's name or nickname here)' giddyness...well, what do I need for that to be happy? Am I even prepared to be happy? Allyuh already know how I feel about relationships and love...

So I ask you, my readers: what are your requirements for romantically emotional happiness? Speak...ponder...discuss...

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Going Back To Love

If you're reading this, raise your hand if you've ever been in love.

*crickets creak, tumbleweed rolls by me in the classroom*

So maybe I'm being a little melodramatic. It's what I do, I can't help it. I thought I was in love...a few times. I've been in relationships where I thought that I would do whatever it took to make sure that this relationship worked. One of these subsequent relationships resulted in Michele Alexa. She is my pride and joy.

And then after that, love don't live here no mo'. LOL.

I mean, that's not true. Love is an objective thing and a concept of mind over matter. (I know...I didn't talk about the heart or ANYTHING!!) The thing about the heart is that it's a muscle. It pumps blood to and from other body parts. That's about it. I hate to break it to folks. LOL. Love is, however, the mind going into irrational overdrive. The palms sweating and heart racing is all a matter of your brain registering anxiety over a potentially irrational situation.

Yup, I just turned love into a clinical science. I'm sorry in advance to all my die-hard romantics. (Well, not really. Just felt like the right thing to say. LOL.)

The reason people use the heart when referencing love and romance is because in the pre-Christian era, before people realized that the brain was the center of functioning, people thought the heart was the epicenter of it all. And understandably so, I suppose. It was in the center of everything. I guess it's like thinking the world is flat. I dunno.

But enough random knowledge facts. The point is, love, to me, is something that I haven't actually come upon yet. Not true love. Oh, sure, there are people I like enough. There are people that I liked enough in the past to want to have a relationship with...and den dey crazy asses showed up and dis Caribbean gyul hea ain't wyan no part o dat! LOL. Then there are the 'crush(es)'...not many, but the ones that you know are probably not your best relationship pic no matter what but you just can't help but like them. Those are dangerous because you get all wuk up ova de man and he already let you know (either verbally or nonverbally) that your interest and his interest are not the same interests. Now, unless you're into s&m...this is just abuse for no good reason.

Which leads me to where I am today...single and chillin'. Why? I guess I'm just waiting to see what walks my way. Not searching because this is one of those things that when you seek, you shall not find. It finds you when it's ready. And maybe I'm just not ready so that's why I haven't seen it. What I do know is this...I have this quote on my FB page that sums up what I think love should be:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
- "Captain Corelli's Mandolin", Louis de Bernieres

What do you all think?

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