Venus vs. Mars: Why Folks Don't Get It (aka Stop Beating a Dead Horse)

I'm sure that by now, many of you have either heard about or listened to or seen Nightline's Face Off, where they did a forum on why the Successful Black Woman cannot find a good man.

*dramatic sigh* We haven't figured this out yet? It's real simple...I didn't need to hear Steve, Sherri, Hill, and Jacque (the other panelist, Jimi, I'm ignoring him - he should stick to writing books - and what was the deal with the muscle shirt? Throw a blazer on it, my dude) explain it to me. I knew the answer a long time ago. But, being the good rambler that I am, I figure, why not address some of the broad generalizations mentioned?

Here we go...

1. Black women and their standards. Blah blah bliggedy blah. [sidebar: the first issue, even before we talk about that, is to say that the biggest problem is that we're too busy generalizing to figure out the real problem]  If I hear one more of my fellow women say that they need someone to be a Ph.D candidate or drive a car or whatever have you before they'll consider a dude, I will seriously hurl. I was talking to a homegirl of mine (who will remain nameless, but when she reads this, she'll know who she is...I told you I was gonna call you out) about eligible black men and she went down that typical 'they're all bums and the same' shtick and, of course, in typical KP fashion, I stared at her. Waited for her to finish. Then I YouTubed Katt Williams and played it for her. She started laughing. I was serious. (Usually I am dead serious when people laugh at me the hardest.) She went on to talk about their laziness, their lack of education, etc. etc.
Blank stare...you have an associates on that 4 year plan. It's a two year degree. Shhh. 
There is NOTHING wrong with an associates, a certificate, any of these things. Do what you do and do it well. My problem is that you cannot sit there, demanding a Ph.D, when you don't have one. Period. End of story. It's called equally yoked. Moving on...

So many women that I encounter have these absurd 'lists' of things that they must have in order for them to be with that person...pretty skin...must be 5'11 or above...have to have their own place/car...must pay for the first date or there won't be a second date...etc. etc. Meanwhile...the 5'8 man worth a quarter of a million dollars who lives at home to keep stacking so he can take over the world just walked by you with his rubber band on his phone, because you were too busy worried about your 'standards'. And yes, that example might seem extreme (or is it?)...but it's the reality. It's not time to lower your standards...it's just time to be realistic. On the other hand...many of us become content to be in these go nowhere relationships with that quote-end quote "bum" because we don't want to be alone and so we accept whatever because we're afraid to go for what we really want. Like I said...it's time to be realistic.

2. Black Women are Bitter. Um...some are. *shrugs* And it's time to get over it. Seriously. Why should a man need to carry your baggage unless y'all are going on vacation? The next man will not do what the last one did unless you allow it. And then, in that case, that's your bad. If you're staying away from a relationship because you realize that you have baggage that needs to go into that good and deep basement storage behind the cobwebs, fine. Do you. Nothing wrong with that. It's where I am right now myself. (Well, at least, it's where I was. I wasn't sure if I was ready...I am.) But if you are going to wallow in what the last dude did to you...I know if I don't wanna hear it, then I know a man doesn't.

3. Black Men are Intimidated by Strong, Successful Black Women. No they're NOT!!! Really, I swear, they're not. If they're a real man...hunny, they are singing your praises, they are waiting for you to invite them to your big debut so they have a reason to show off, they are touting your successes every chance they get. I'm serious. I know a lot of great men, both single and taken, who I talk with about this...and they all say the same thing: some of y'all are looking at the wrong type of man...or you're seeking to make some men into something they are NOT. A good man is excited and turned on by success and wants to bask in it. Like Steve Harvey said...some men are not intimidated, they're ashamed that they're not where they want to be yet. And that may not be your issue, true...but I'm just saying. Get away from that thought process.

Dang, there's so much I want to touch on!!

4. There are no gentlemen left. To this I say...um...read this.

5. I can't find any faithful black men. You do realize that black men get cheated on too, right...? For more info and in the interest of people's contact lenses drying out, please refer back to number 2. *wink*

Now. So that it doesn't seem like I'm a man stuck in a chick's body, lemme head over to the men's side of things for a second:

1. Black women have an attitude. Some of us do. Many of us do because you think we do. Sometimes, you hit us up at the wrong time. Sorry. Stop generalizing.

2. Black women don't know how to support a man.  I don't know where the hell that idea came from, but it couldn't be further from the truth. A good woman will make your dream hers without losing sight of who she is....mainly because she has a dream of her own...and that dream could be the best damn Suzy Q Homemaker or the hottest chick in the game...or a comprehensive strategy to take over the world (are you sensing a trend with the taking over the world thing?)

3. Wait a minute...I don't have a 3 right now. I'm just gonna conclude and come together. Wait, wait, wait. Real real quick: Black women don't support their men. (Yes, this is slightly different than #2.) Ok. So. On the one hand, some of us are real quick to dismiss a brother with no job. But riddle me this, Batman...if your shorty pays your bills, feeds you, gives you ideas and/or funds your dream chasing in any way...this is support and should not be misconstrued as nagging if she eventually starts fussing at you to get a job. Money makes the world go 'round, partna. You are in the wrong country for that love run government. We all capitalists ova 'ere so...

Ok, moving on.

There are equal problems on both ends of the spectrum. I just want us to stop beating up on each other and talk to each other, communicate, however it is that you communicate. Ladies - you are going to, at some point, have to suck it up and feed your man's ego a lil. It is what it is. If you can't do that, be content with being single. Don't worry. I'll be sure to...actually, y'all can have that. I don't wallow. And I have no problem giving a compliment. Gentlemen - I hate to break it to you, but some of us like to talk...and talk some more...and be complimented...and courted and what have you. Deal with it. The reality is that so many of us are so busy looking for all the wrong, on both ends, that we will let the right walk right on by...and then get mad when it does. I said this before...it's 2010. Time to use your words.

Once we get into our heads that we are different and each situation is different and that we need to let go of our fears and inhibitions and embrace some humility, a little ego stroking, and a scoop of freak, perhaps we will be able to find what we are all looking for, be it that man who is willing to run the world side by side with them (can you tell I'm seeking world dom-eee-na-tion?? [cockroach from Fairly Oddparents voice]), or that woman who is cool with just being content in their past and happy in their future. Whatever it is. I know I'm working on not being a punk anymore. But either way...can we put this topic to rest now? Because there's a bit of an air of desperation happening now and I gotta tell allyuh, there is nothing sexy about it...

Posted in: love, Nightline, punk, relationships, success