born again and struggling...

I haven't written in a long time.

I haven't written in a long time, not for the lack of things to say, but simply because my mind has been so jumbled that the words that normally come across as crystal clear on the virtual page become a hodge podge of unclear thoughts and unshed emotion.

To start with, being a re-saved Christian is harder than I imagined...but not for the reasons one might think. I have no trouble walking a daily walk with God in a seemingly Godless society. I hold the upmost respect for religions that are not my own, even when they do not always hold the same respect for mine. To me, for the most part, we are uplifting the same God, and, not having the same religion doesn't equate to being a bad person, bad friend, etc.

My two biggest challenges as a Christian, though, are relating to the people in my life...and fighting myself and my own transformation. For example, how do you teach your child about God, about Jesus, when some of her closest family tells her that its nonsense? Or, rather, how do you explain to a very astute (almost) 10 year old that even though what the older adults in her life are saying is completely negative, that you a. Cannot tell them that what they are saying is off base and b. Still have to respect and love them despite it all? Particularly in a West Indian household…

Bigger than even that, I have been fighting the God in me for years. Honestly and truly. From the time when I was still in Episcopal church and was asked to do the youth sermon, from being a youth leader in a Baptist church and one of the elders telling me flat out that I was destined to preach the Word someday, I have been fighting the God in me. No one, of course, chooses to be a heathen (in a manner of speaking)...even when they say they are. People jokingly say they are (a heathen, that is) because usually, they enjoy their vices, and do not deem themselves in a position to give them up yet, if ever. They see the more devout Christian in public as extremists.

Others simply do not see them as vices - they are simple pleasures that are not bad simply because an “out of touch book” says so. Others still condemn the converted Christian ("sinning Monday through Saturday and in church on Sunday. Mmmph mmmph mmmph.") and attack what they have yet to understand.

I, of course, have all of this in my immediate environment.

I am sure there are other Christians that encounter these same tests of faith all the time. The advice I have gotten thus far ranges from staying prayed up and in the Word, to simply ignoring naysayers, to praying for the others. I think it's deeper than that, though, at least for me. I'm sure that all of the above are effective to some extent. My problem is more that I want to be the same person with an innate sense of my Christian self...but the more I delve into my God and life as a Christian, the more I realize that this might not be possible.

just some incomplete thoughts...for now...

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