It’s been a minute since I talked about marriage, hasn’t it?
Well now, since you’ve brought it up…
I guess I should throw kids into the mix too, balance it all out?
Now if only to figure out where to begin…
Okay. I’ve got it.
My girl Carrie Pink has her own blog that she contributes to on a regular basis, and her words always get me thinking about the things that I think about on a regular basis even more. In yesterday’s musings, she brought up an excellent topic about naming your child after you if you are not married. In her writings, she notes: “I understand women in relationships often feel pressures from fathers who want the children you birth for them to have their last name but why? Why should you give up the option of one family name? Particularly if you don’t live together? and have made no commitment towards being an entire FAMILY and how many of those fathers are by your side today? How long after the birth of the child were you forced to raise the child alone… Now here you are honoring a person who isnt even actively involved… Passing on a last name is a honor and is one that should be reserved for those who not only deserve it but earn it as well, post deilvery… Moms need to celebrate themselves and keep their families intact… More than just physically but emotionally and psychologically too… Having numerous last names in your home psychologically creates an unnecessary divide… No one belongs, because everyone’s name is different…”
You can read more about Carrie’s take on the state of the black family here, on her very iPad friendly site...;o)
So, of course, this got me to thinking about…well, me. But not just me…many people out there who may find themselves in similar situations. When Father’s Day rolls around, I always wish my daughter’s father a happy Father’s Day. Those of you who know me and know my current situation are probably wondering why that is, considering he a. does not wish me the same on Mother’s Day, and b. redefines the meaning of the word ‘jerk’. A large portion of this is as a result of my upbringing. My mother taught me always to be nice, even when that person isn’t being nice to you…why? Because the only thing that being angry does is hurt you…that other person doesn’t care if you’re angry or hurt, it’s not fazing them…only you. The other thing she always taught me is that karma is a bitch and it always, always comes back around. Always.
When I had my daughter, I did, indeed, give my child her father’s last name. Why? I didn’t think otherwise. It never occurred to me that we would reach the extent that we did, that we would be feuding the way that we are. It never dawned on me that I didn’t have to. At any rate, it doesn’t matter to me now that I know what I have to do, nor am I here to sit down and talk about me. Rather, I’d like to talk to my younger generation right now. I'm going to jump around, rambler that I am, for a minute...I promise they're all connected though.
My ladies…listen to me. The institution of marriage is DYING, and so is loyalty. Remember the stats from “The Sanctity of Divorce”? Half of our marriages are GOING…don’t believe me? Check out Arnold and Maria...Scarlett and Ryan…Tony and Eva…and that’s just in the last six months…and I’m not judging, everyone knows their personal limits and they know what they can and cannot tolerate…but at the same time…I really still feel that sometimes, we forget just why we marry…for better or worse.
But more importantly, ladies (and some gentlemen), riddle me this. Why intentionally get yourself into a predicament where you wind up being forced to, in essence, care for a life on your own, when you don’t have to? You should never choose to be a single mom. Take it from someone with experience. It’s not a healthy choice…for all parties involved. As the “pot” talking to you “kettles”, I can honestly say that I wished that I’d waited until my daughter’s father put that ceremonial piece of jewelry on my “life pulse” as he always said that he would before I made the decision that I made. Yes, I know, marriage does not guarantee forever, but it’s a step in the right direction 9 times out of 10. It is also the reason that there will be no more children on this end without a band/ true commitment.
And you should demand the same…because you deserve it. I don’t believe in settling…and it doesn't matter how unhappy my situation makes me at times, I know that I have no intention of settling or downplaying my power ever again. I am determined to be happy…and you should be, too.
What do you think? Do you think that children out of wedlock should be named after their mother or father? Do you think that women should choose to be single mothers, or wait for a committed relationship/marriage? What is your opinion on the current state of marriage?
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