Fuming Quietly, Blessed Slowly.

I'm fuming right now. Sigh. I don't know why. My temper and I have been doing real well. So why am I fuming right now? I got into it with a good friend of mine (well, we didn't REALLY get into it, that's just the way I see it right now) and I told her most of how I felt about the whole thing...now I just need time to get over being upset...why am I upset again?

Oh. Oh yes, that's right. I know why.

I feel sometimes like I am the most misunderstood understood person sometimes. Basically, I'm very open, honest, forthcoming, yadda yadda...and then there's a side of me that switches on and off at the first hint of trouble on the horizon, mainly because...well...who the hell wants trouble on the horizon? If I feel threatened, misunderstood, taken advantage of, or treated with kid gloves, the switch goes off, and doesn't come back on for a few days (or weeks) depending on the situation. I still don't think this is healthy, but I learned a while back that it's me. Period.

So today, I suppose the switch is off. I feel misunderstood and handled with kid gloves. But there's a bigger part of me that's afraid of everything. As I become more sure of who I am and what I bring to the table, I also become acutely aware of the people in my life and what they contribute, thus making me very wary of bringing aboard new people. I feel like I rushed this one. Did I? Only time will tell if I made the right decisions. I'm 95% sure I'm good. It's just the moments like these where I have doubts. I HATE having doubts.

Sigh. This is SOOO not where I wanted to be today.

Of course, there are other things on my mind right now. Working out my other blog and all of my business information has me a little weary in the head. Common worries like what's going to happen if/when I quit my current full time job and go for my dream and whether or not I've saved enough currently plague me. Confusion about the pseudo-relationship-but not really-thing that I have going on comes to mind more than a little bit. Worries about my little girl growing up petrify me. Wondering if anyone truly understands is always in the back of my mind. I fume quietly twice as much as I fume aloud.

But I am blessed slowly. This I know. The things that I worry about come to pass in their own time and work themselves out. Another good friend of mine was unemployed for a few months and yet managed to make it through to employment in a rough economy, all while keeping her head on. Being raised as a Caribbean woman has definitely taught me the power of perseverance and strength, two traits that I am exceedingly grateful for. I know that I have the tools and the power to make it through anything that is thrown my way. And, realistically, I know that the current set of friends, despite having arguments, disagreements, or the like, that I am surrounded by are in it for the long haul.

I am fuming quietly...but I am blessed slowly. I chose to focus on the fuming before...but I am focusing on the blessings now.

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