My New Outfit for the New Year: A Safety Net?

Happy New Year 2010, all!! Wow, what a whirlwind year it has been for me. So many things have happened!! I premiered my website for my catering and personal business, my food-inspired blog has sort of exploded, I'm been freelancing like a crazed maniac, my daughter is growing like a weed, and my circle of good friends has become solidified for the most part. Life is good.

And yet, I feel slightly complacent and dissatisfied all at once. Go figure.

One might ask what my deal is. I'm not quite sure. I was trying to explain it to my good friend last night. Y'know, typical single motherhood bullshit woes, thinking about being single versus being in a relationship, my ever rambling thoughts, etc, etc. What was interesting was that all of the things that I found ever relentlessly frustrating about myself, my friend was quick to dispute, shoot down, and demand that I cease and desist...(the following is a tidbit of the conversation in question, edited to protect both parties...lol)

ME: "I know now who I am and I can't fathom going back to the way I used to be...But at the same time, I kick myself for not seeing the blatant foolishness on a regular basis..."
FRIEND: "Why are you doing this to yourself...youre shoulda coulda woulda!!"

ME: "I know that he is not mentally in a place to be the way he would want to be with a woman...mainly because he says what he wants but he still talks to other girls and the like...To me, I'm just like everyone else...Ok...so maybe that's an overexaggeration..."
FRIEND: "Okay...you get 5 more minutes with this thinking and then its time for an intervention"

...and yet, I just didn't/don't see it that way. Or perhaps I am developing my mother's side of the family's paranoid thinking.

So I've developed a safety net. And everyone has one. It is that comfort zone that we exist in when we are afraid to venture out on faith and truly try something else. My safety net, business wise, was my job that I've had for 3+ years. When my contract expires...I plan not to renew it, so that I can focus on my business. That was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, because it now forces me to ensure that my business succeeds. Personally, at least in love, anyway, I choose to keep my emotions out of potential relationships - both '12 am' and '4 am' ones. At least, this way (in my mind), I remain safe until I am ready to put forth the effort to acquire and maintain a meaningful relationship, ideally, with someone who is willing to be in, well, a relationship. (not "do NOT like me", lol) Though I'd like to say that I'm ready to put forth the effort now, the reality is that I'm probably not...not with all of these reigning doubts. And I make it a point not to generalize. I know that every man is not the same...but when I found myself attracting the same type of men (great, fun, intelligent, sexy men NOT ready for relationships) I took it to mean that perhaps...I myself was not ready...for a relationship. Go figure. Like I said...my new outfit for the year is my 'safety net'.

So I ask you: do you have a safety net? If so, what do you consider it to be? Why is it so easy to take a leap of faith in business, but not when it comes to the matters of the heart? Ponder...discuss...

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