The Buddy Curse

I think I might have 'buddy' stamped on my forehead. No, really, I'm serious.

If you're on my FB page, then you may (or not) have seen my status about my lovely just-turned-96 year old grandmother explaining to me that the reason that I don't have a man yet is because I don't know how to fold clothes. Before that, I was chatting with an ex of mine (though I don't know if he really qualifies as an ex, but more on that later) about relationships and people and why I was still single (well, he wanted to know.)

Let's expound.

We were talking about my business (I'm a caterer and personal chef, for those reading that don't know) and how I had reached a point of stagnation, the first of many points, I'm sure, and how I wasn't going to let it frustrate me, but that I needed an assistant, for various reasons. So he was asking me about that...and then we veered into the topic of relationships, or, rather, my lack of one.

Cue the Twilight Zone music. Just trust me on this one.

So he asked me why I was still single - you know, what with me being 'so cute and smart, really smart, and articulate, well versed, very talented, and now business savvy' (I'm not tooting my own horn, I'm telling you exactly what he said). I'm here looking at the phone like, "well, maybe I should be asking you why you decided you didn't want to be with me, if I have all these redeeming qualities..." So then he says, "it's not that I didn't want to be with you...I didn't want to be with anyone. I wasn't ready to give up my oneness to make it two. I wasn't ready for the level of honesty and trust that you put out there. It's almost as if you're TOO honest...not to mention that you would know if I was screwing something up because I can talk to you about anything and I've told you that, the minute that I didn't tell you something, you'd know I was lying..."

Damn. So maybe I said that last one out loud. Hmm.

A few months back, a homie of mine told me he couldn't marry me because I was 'too observant'. When I gave him the side eye, he explained that I should take it as a compliment. I gave him a double dose of side eye. I later on realized that he meant that he couldn't get over on me, that I paid attention to detail and so I would not be with the 'games'. I guess that is a compliment. I know that he, too, told me that he could tell me anything, and that it was one of the things that he enjoyed most about me.

Obviously I'm single. Still don't know why.

Well, that's not altogether true. I do know why I'm single. I am single in part because I choose to be. I know what I want and I know that I'm not exactly where I want to be, so I remain single. On the other hand, I know that I tend to veer towards guys that I know ultimately are emotionally 'unavailable' - that is, they are not interested in a relationship for various reasons. Some of this is accidental, some of this is an unusual defense mechanism, I'm sure, to avoid dealing with the emotional accoutrement that comes with being in a relationship. Some of this is, simply, the buddy curse.

What is the buddy curse, you might ask? The buddy curse is when the guy that you are interested in likes you, likes talking to you, being with you, hanging out and/or 'hooking up' with you, but isn't with you because you are 'too cool' or 'too real'. I know that guys enjoy the chase and the allure of being with a woman and that they also enjoy a little bit of elusiveness...but I thought that they also wanted someone that they could chill with just as easily as they could dress up and take out? Have I relegated myself to being a 'buddy' because of how I am?

Guys and girls, this is when I turn to you. What do YOU look for in a mate? Do people that are much more down to earth and relaxed end up remaining 'buddies'? Thoughts, please...

Posted in: frustration, love, relationships, sex, throwback