The 'Truth' about Chivalry

The following excerpt is from my girl D's blog, "Life in the D Lane", the entry entitled "Puddles". I had to share this story - it might be one of the sweetest things I've ever read. It also, of course, got me to thinking...as most things tend to do.

"I took one look outside and saw that the sky was no longer crying, it was screaming, but that wasn’t the reason for my hesitation. I had never come home from school alone in the rain before. I hadn’t gone anywhere alone in the rain before. I always had Chris. He always carried me, put plastic bags on my feet or sometimes he would literally put his jack down so I could walk over a puddle. He had this thing about my feet never getting wet and never being dirty. He hated that I liked to walk around the house barefoot because of all the dirt that would touch my princess feet. It used to be annoying at first, I mean, I’m not better than anyone else, why can’t I walk in the rain or get my feet dirty? But then over time I got used to it, so used to it that until this very moment I never realized I had never been in the rain without him.
I had to face the rain alone. There was no Chris now.
I cuffed the heels of my jeans, thanked God I didn’t decide to wear a newer pair of Jordans, grabbed my umbrella and prepared to head out the door. I made it all the way to the curb and was waiting to cross the street. The sign turned to walk and I was just about to step off the curb and attempt a hop over a big puddle when my body was lifted off the ground. In a flash I was across the street, up the stairs, through the plaza and at the bottom of the Brooklyn Bridge train station.
I went through the turnstile and waited on the platform in silence. The train came; I found a seat and sat in silence for a few stops. Finally, I looked up and said
“You didn’t have to do that. Thank you.”
Christopher wiped the rain water from his face and said
“I promised you I’d never let your feet get dirty or wet. My dad says men should always keep their promises”
We rode the rest of the way home in silence."

Now. The first thing that I said when I read this was, "wow. chivalry isn't dead after all". Now granted, this happened 11 years ago, and yet, that was the first statement that came to mind. And it didn't matter that it happened 11 years ago, nor did it matter that the statement alone is not a statement that I would normally make. (I tend not to generalize.) So it stands to reason that I made it because I have never experienced anything of that nature before.

And why not?

Is there something in me, about me, that immediately screams, "she's got it, no need for chivalry here!" I know I'm a woman - attractive, poised, intelligent, yadda yadda yadda...yet nothing like that has ever happened to me...why is that? Am I too cool (read: like a buddy) for that? (I think that's another blog.) Then, as the thinker in me took a hold of the ramblings that were sure to come, I decided to go and look up chivalry and then go from there. Here's what I came up with...

Random House Dictionary, 2009, has three definitions for chivalry that are completely applicable to where I'm going with this:

1. the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
5. gallant warriors or gentlemen: fair ladies and noble chivalry.
6. Archaic. a chivalrous act; gallant deed.

Now. Archaic, in essence, is 'from the past'. Though I am generally against defining a word by using said word in the definition (how do I know what it means, then?), the following definition aids in defining it a little: a 'gallant deed'. In other words, a deed like the aforementioned. If you look at the 5th definition, it says: "gallant warriors or gentlemen: fair ladies and noble chivalry". What is a fair lady? Do we even USE that term anymore? Nope. We sure don't.

Looking at it a bit more, in essence, chivalry existed in medieval times, and was directly correlated with being knighted. In reading about it, it was noted that "Both (chivalric orders) sought the sanctification of their members through combat against "infidels" and protection of religious pilgrims...13th Century conventions of chivalry directed that men should honor, serve, and do nothing to displease ladies and maidens". More current standards of being a 'gentleman' go: "In the later Middle Ages, wealthy merchants strove to adopt chivalric attitudes - the sons of the bourgeoisie were educated at aristocratic courts where they were trained in the manners of the knightly class.[2] This was a democratization of chivalry, leading to a new genre called the courtesy book, which were guides to the behavior of "gentlemen". Thus, the post-medieval gentlemanly code of the value of a man's honor, respect for women, and a concern for those less fortunate, is directly derived from earlier ideals of chivalry and historical forces which created it."

There you have it.

Nowadays, chivalrous actions have somewhat metamorphosed into these grandiose notions that we, as women, associate with a 'good man'. Like, putting a jacket over a puddle for their lady, even when they're not your lady anymore. Or perhaps paying for a meal. The concept of holding a door open so that a lady may go first. Conversely, a man who does not do things like hold a door open for a woman, or come to the other side and open the car door for a woman, is considered a "bum a*& n^*^@" or some other colorful colloquialism. My homie said once on the topic, "Devil's Advocate: What's the benefit of being chivalrous? A lot of women dont respect themselves, and you want respect? Ha! Again I ask, what's the benefit?"

Hmm.

Many women are now independent creatures: paying their own bills, buying and maintaining their own house, having kids through artificial insemination, etc., etc. So then I ask: if we are doing all that on our own, things that during the time of chivalry would have been done and/or cared for by men folk, then why now, that we are doing it all out of a sense of being independent and 'not needing a man', then, why is it that we still desire that sort of 'manly' action? Adding to that, if we are walking around, giving it to whatever dude asks for it on the right day, wearing heaven knows what, not respecting themselves as a lady might, and yet demand a significantly higher level of respect in return, then why o why would we be worthy of chivalrous actions? Is chivalry dead?

It is. It really is.

HA! You were expecting me to say something else, weren't you?? Here's the thing: name me a knight living in Brooklyn, New York, RIGHT NOW, with a jousting tool and knight's suit in his apartment, who has a war to go fight before taking care of "melady", and I'll give you $20. NQANSA (No Questions Asked, No Strings Attached). The fact is, it doesn't EXIST! Chivalry and what it meant does not exist in present day, and that is because the structure under which it existed is no longer in place. Think about it. It is acceptable for a woman to have a Caesar and a man to have long, flowish hair. It is acceptable for a woman to make more than a man does, work jobs traditionally for men, and exhibit similar mannerisms to men, things that would all be in direct conflict with the original concept. (FYI - there is nothing wrong with any of the aforementioned things) So why would it exist?

Here's my Venus vs. Mars (cue Mr. Carter!) breakdown:

Mutual respect does exist, and I think that is what we, both sexes, should be practicing. I think it is the gentlemanly thing to open the door for their lady. I ALSO think if a gentleman opened his lady's door for her to get into the car, a TRUE independent lady would make sure that the door was open for their man when he made it to the other side! Ladies, real talk, we cannot expect a gentleman to be as such if we don't give sometimes, too. We opted to become more independent as women, so it's a give and take. I can't tell you how many women I've seen CHEWING, and I mean CHEWING, men a new one because he didn't pay the bill or offer to foot the expense on their latest shopping excursion. I don't know about you, but if I say I got it, I'm not expecting anyone to cover it for me. If they do, it's a bonus. We have to learn to live by our words, to say what we mean and mean EXACTLY what we say. I hear some of my girlfriends talk sometimes, and I'm like, "um...if you told him you didn't want anything for your birthday...and he subsequently doesn't get you anything for your birthday...why are you mad?" Enough with the subliminal messages: you get what you ask for. And yes...we can open the door for our men sometimes, or foot the meal sometimes, or give him the foot massage when he gets home. That's all part of being a TRUE independent woman.

Gentlemen: there are times that you could be more in tune with your lady or with ladies in general. Sometimes, a woman likes for a man to be the man, even when she may indicate otherwise. (I know. I know. It's confusing. I'm the first to admit I'm not sure why this is, but it is what it is.) An independent woman sometimes has become independent out of necessity: sometimes, she'd rather not HAVE to do it, even though she claims to 'have it'. Trust me...I know. I'm not saying you have to be a complete ass, but if your woman is always on point with everything, shoe game, clothing, mind and all (I mean her brain and her brain, if you know what I mean), then she deserves that extra special treatment. Not to mention that it's really sexy when a man is the right combination of confident/borderline arrogance and gentlemanly. Again, TRUST ME. I know men that have gotten away with damn near MURDER with that combination.

I really think it's just a respect thing: I'd like you to open the door for me because you respect me enough to do so, and because it's a nice thing to do. I'd like you to make sure that no random puddle gets me on my walk to the train because you respect me enough as a human being. Conversely, I can show you the same respect, because you deserve it as well. Therefore, I am banning the word 'chivalry' from my vocabulary and replacing it with a phrase: MUTUAL RESPECT.

Chew on all that for a spell and let me know what you think...

Posted in: chivalry, gentleman, lady, mars, puddles, respect, rules, venus