Team Me: The Trappings of Success?

I love everyone that is on "Team Me".

I love everyone that is on "Team Me" that's here for the right reasons.

Wait...what's "Team Me"?

Ok. If you follow social media trends enough, you'll notice that a popular terminology is "Team" (insert random statement here). So for example, it would be, "Team BlackBerry", "Team iPhone" =o) (<----sorry, I'm an iPhone user), "Team GoHard", etc., etc. Those of you who know me (and we're going to get to that later) know that all these trends make me laugh, so much so that I decided, "hey, I wanna be down, who's with Team Me?!?"

And then I sat down and actually asked myself: Who IS on Team Me?

The people that truly know me know a few things about me: I don't care about your personal situation. What you do with your time is none of my concern unless it directly affects me. Money doesn't and never has interested me enough to make me befriend someone. The differences between the people I call my 'friend' is such a drastic difference that one would be hard pressed to even be able to find more than two commonalities between them (one being that they're friends with me, the other that they are smart asses - like me). Yes, I've always wanted to fit in...but that was growing up. At 28 years old, I am more than content in the person that I am - a rarity in a sea of common people. I still find, however, that I have more than a few "friends" - the ones that are my friend because my business sense is always tingling like Spiderman. Or because they love my cooking and want me to show them a few tricks. Perhaps we're friends because...well, you know the phrase..."friends close, enemies closer"? It's always an interesting sight to see.

I don't have friends that I'm friends with for separate reasons. I don't have Facebook friends versus real friends. If I call you 'friend', then it is that simple. You are my friend. I have people, granted, that I am significantly closer to than others. I have people that I can count on one hand that know almost everything about me...and with the exception of one person, that list hasn't changed since 1996...but overall, if I call you my friend, it is because you are just that - my friend. And you are my friend because I like you and I like hanging out with you. Simple.

So now. Back to "Team Me". It's a great thing if you believe in my business and what I'm trying to accomplish. I love it if you enjoy what I write and what I make. I have no problem being that go to person to get a resume done, or to get a recommendation from. But hear this: if you are on my team because you think that being on my team will get you credibility or prestige, or get you further in your endeavors, know this - I work smart and I work hard. I didn't get this far by being stupid. Your 'stylo' (<---remember that early 90's word? Ha!) is pretty transparent and believe me, I caught on long ago. I'm just waiting for you to weed yourself out. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Do you have friends and 'friends'? How do you determine who is different from who? Do you find that people on the rise tend to have more friends than others? Why do you think that is? Grab your morning cup of hot steamy stuff and chat wid meh fuh a spell...

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The Dangerous 28 (Self Analysis #3 of...or is it 4?)

*toys with loc* So I'm 28.

*pensive frown*

Ok, so to those of you who are wondering what the big deal is, I'm 28 years old. To me, 28 is the milestone year, not 25 and certainly not 30. Why is that? I say that because usually, 28 is the year that most people start to...well, panic. Panic in the sense that they are 2 years away from 30 and they have to make sure that they are on the right track before they turn 30.

Because you know...life as we know it ends at 30. Didn't you know that? Aren't you glad you're reading this so that I have you on put on status? (extreme sarcasm)

Well anyway. I am starting to reach that point where I find myself wondering if I am doing everything that I need to be doing. I know. I know. It seems nuts. I'm always the one telling everyone else not to pigeonhole themselves into a timeline...not to worry about who thinks it's a shame that you're not married , or where your heart may lay, or even the little growing pains that may come your way. After my girlfriend that I haven't spoken to in a while died recently, I started thinking about what I was doing at 28 more than ever. We were the same age. Stuff like this, unfortunately, always gets you to thinking.(Then again, I'm always thinking.)

Am I doing what I need to be doing? What do I need to be doing? I mean, I think I'm doing pretty well...business is growing, my daughter is getting bigger and smarter, things are pretty good with my friends and my family, things are going well. What am I missing? Am I missing something?

To shift gears for a moment, I was reading another of my favorite bloggers, Belle Woods of A Belle in Brooklyn. She was talking about embracing your sexuality by not being afraid to show your sexual side. In my latest self-analysis (this is #4, I checked), I went back and thought about my nature and being a flirt. It's funny, but I always wondered how true it was that a woman who exudes sexuality gets it in return. Lately, I've been feeling as if the concept of me being in a long term relationship is...I don't know...limited. I tend to embrace my sexuality...but at the same time, society says that a woman who does so is labeled a freak "empowered". And the "empowered" woman gets the man - or men - but never the commitment. (At least, it doesn't appear so to me.) Then I wonder is it because men like mystery more than empowerment. Hmm. 

Then I look back at all that I've accomplished, all that I've done and do, and I wonder to myself, why is it that I don't focus on my accomplishments? Why is it that many of my blogs are about relationships and sex and the like? And moreover, if I embrace my sexuality, and I don't care what people think, then why is this on my mind? What the hell happened to introspective KP, that ranted about politics and books and the like?

You see what kinds of absurd thoughts 28 brings to the table?

I think that in my process of opening up about me, I've become this relationship-obsessed person that I am not a fan of. I will be falling back. Intellectual KP is set to make a reappearance. But in the meantime...

Tell me your thoughts. How do you feel about milestone birthdays? Do you think that there is something to be said about how milestone birthdays affect your thinking?

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The Pain of Loss - An Ode to a Friend

I got a phone call yesterday. I got a phone call yesterday that said that one of my closest friends had passed away. I got that call yesterday...and I haven't been the same since.

Allyuh should know by now how I feel about reasons, seasons, and lifetimes. My friend that passed away was someone that I always believe came into my life for a reason - in part, to show me a confidence that I did not know, in her own strange way. We grew apart over the past two years, mainly because, in my opinion, our season was over and we tried desperately to extend it past what it needed to be. All of our times were not good - we argued more than a little bit - but there were many good times, many unintentionally hilarious, tears falling out of our eyes till we literally peed on ourselves, side aching moments. We weren't always honest with each other - I became better at this, her not so much - but we were honest in the love and affection that we had for each other. I felt a pang when I stopped speaking to her. I felt as if I didn't do enough as a friend to try to get her to a better place. But I realized (at the time, anyway) that the only way that she would get to a better her is if I left her alone. Sometimes, you can only do but so much. From what I've heard, she was able to be a better her - working a great full time job, her own place, etc etc.

Hearing that news yesterday made me question my decision all over again. Though I don't usually regret anything, I do regret not telling her how much I loved her and cared about her, even though the dynamics of our relationship had changed. I wish I could show her the person I am now: confident, poised, successful - the person that I feel that she always wanted me to be, even though I don't think she knew how to express that effectively at the time. A part of me wishes that the stubborn person in me would have picked up the phone and called her, just to say hello. But such is the way that life works...you never know what you've got till it's gone.

So to my girl - We had the best of times. We had the worst of times. We had times (and shiny planes) that I will never forget. Thank you for helping me be my best me, in your own way. Wish I could tell you this in person. I tip my glass of SoCo and Lime to you. I hope your soul is at peace.

Make sure you tell your loved ones that you love them.

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The Trust Game (Self-Analysis #3 of...)

I trust people too easily.

After all this time, after close to 30 years of being on this Earth, of being betrayed and tricked and used by enough people to know better...I still trust too easily.

Ok, wait. That's not necessarily true. Lemme backtrack for a second.

Growing up, all I ever wanted to do was fit in. I would always make friends easily enough...I was told I was engaging, charming, and witty/funny/smart. (No cockiness, either. Just what I was told.) After a while, though, one of two things would happen: either I would become close with someone and our relationship would stand the test of time, or I would become very close with the person until I saw that they weren't meeting my expectations of what I think a friend should be, and I would eventually cut them off.

Fast forward to present day: I have my circle of people that I consider my ride or dies. It's a pretty concrete circle...for now. Every now and again, a newcomer makes their way into the inner sanctum of my life and impresses me enough that I allow them access to me. This, for people who know me, is no small feat. The problem then comes when after a short period of time that I realize that this person was here for a season and that their season is done and that it is time for them to go. My issue with this is that I feel like I've been meeting a lot of seasons lately, and, as allyuh may very well know by now, whenever some action repeats itself, I take a step back and examine why it is that it keeps happening to me so that I can prevent it from happening again. Growing pains and all that.

One thing that I know for sure is that I have this sense of trust that comes from meeting people that seem to be on Team Me. I tend to become elated and instantly close with people who give off a positive energy and appear to support me and my endeavors, and genuinely seem to care about me. It is after a short period of time that I start to examine their actual motives...and I wish that I could catch on sooner, so that I could avoid them having so much access to me. It's weird, because this is a unisex problem of mine - guys and girls.

It amazes me that I still have this desire, this need, to fit in. Not nearly as much as before - the switch in me doesn't really allow me to succumb to this need as much anymore - but every now and again I realize that this need still exists somewhat. So interesting, to me. As it stands, I am working on keeping my circle the same size - no more, no less. And those who keep using me as an option - they know who they are, they just don't realize that I know this - will soon find themselves outside the circle. The beauty of gaining infinite amounts of self-confidence is that it supports me where I lack in playing the right moves in this trust game.

Do you find yourself trusting or opening up easily? What is your take on it? Discuss and ponder...

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Monday Morning Ramblings

It's a dreary Monday morning and all I can do is play and replay all of the various items I need to take care of, on both a personal level and a business level. I'm a bit cranky today...well, not so much cranky as in deep thought...analyzing myself in different areas, you know? But anyway. My mind is wandering...

1. I'm really rather upset that the microwave at my job burned my turkey bacon after all of 25 seconds. I mean, really? It was perfectly cooked!

2. I woke up this morning dreading having to go to work. Like, actually dreading it. Some of you may find this normal. This is never a good sign for me, since I actually like my job. I've been feeling like this more and more lately.

3. I cannot wait to see my dreams take off. That being said, I can't help but wonder if I'm making the right decision. I worry about how my daughter will deal with the transition.

4. Sometimes, I wonder if I live in an alternate universe where I'm still 15 years old and I just missed the memo. My mother tends to treat me as such, no matter what I do, no matter how old I get or how established I get - nothing I ever do is good enough.

5. My locs are a hot flaming mess. They're growing faster than I can keep up with them.

6. Sex, amongst other things, is on my brain hard core right now. This is more than likely due to the fact that I am so backed up that if I look down I wouldn't be surprised to see cobwebs was listening to Maxwell on the way to work.

7.  Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever be able to truly say what's on my mind without whoever I'm telling looking at me in utter shock. Probably not.

8. I've been losing weight, which is good. Now I need new clothes. This is not so good. I guess in the grand scheme of things, though, the needing new clothes is the better bargain.

9. I started school again about a month ago. I no longer want to be bothered. I have too much to do. This is why I need a personal assistant...because this is getting to be insane...(I'm still accepting applications for this, btw...)

10. Two thoughts just came to me at once, so here goes...
a. I hate when someone tells you that they're going to talk to you and then leaves you hanging until they're ready. That irks me to no end. Just tell me now or don't say a blasted ting atall...
b. I had another thought, but someone just came in and interrupted my train of thought, so now I don't remember my other thought...
c. Oh! I remembered my other thought. If you ask someone not to say something to someone about something...and you go ahead and you tell that what you were asked not to say...this qualifies you for an automatic ass whooping. Well, maybe not an ass whooping...but at the very least, you can rest assured that I will not be telling you much of anything anymore.

11. *yawns* I'm rather sleepy...

12. It irks me to no end when you email someone and they respond back, ask you a question, and then don't respond for days after days. I think it's more that I cannot stand being ignored. Like, it infuriates me. 

Anyway. Enough of my ramblings for today. What's going on in your world today? Have a sip of tea (or coffee, whatever your poison) and chat with me...

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To Marry or Not to Marry? (Self-Analysis #2 of...)

"Do you want to get married?" "Don't you?" "Girl, you don't know what you want your wedding dress to look like?" [blank stare] "Why won't you have more kids?" "When will you have more kids?" These are the questions that I have been bombarded with lately, in particular the last week. Apparently, I have the "You're Not Getting Older & You Need to Find Someone" sign on my forehead and I missed the memo and the accompanying picture. 

I'm jumping directions for a second. I swear it'll all make sense in the end.

"It's been like starring in a film, being with you...A film where London is gorgeous and everything sparkles, and I feel like a million dollars. But the thing is, my life's more like a sitcom. Low budget. Ad breaks. I need that vegging-out-in-front-of-the-television time that you hate. You're in love with a part of me, but I can't be like that all the time." - 'Melissa', the little lady agency and the prince by Hester Browne

So I read chick lit. It's entertaining...don't judge me! LOL.

I think it's the unwitting romantic in me that enjoys reading books by Sophia Kinsella, Hester Browne, Meg Cabot, and my all-time favorite chick-lit-meets-KP-style authoress, Jennifer Crusie. All these authors have a way with words...comical story lines, quick wit, relatable characters, etc., etc. To me, what generally brings their stories to life for me is that relatability: that opportunity to see a piece of me in the characters that they describe so vividly.

More and more as of late (and this could be due to that big 3-0 approaching), I find myself thinking about what my issue is. I'm sure some of it is due to my unwavering desire to be a punk. I have a few eligible bachelors on my tail, so to speak. Why haven't I snagged any of them? Are they just not right for me and I'm just biding my time with them? Or am I ready to confront my feelings and either **** or get off the pot, and I just haven't done it yet? What is it?

A large portion of me realizes that I'm afraid of the everyday stuff. What happens when the curtains are closed and the pretenses are gone. Friends of mine (both platonic and otherwise) have this impression of me as a strong minded, strong willed individual. No holds barred. Don't really give a damn about your opinion. And they'd be right...the majority of the time.

But sometimes...I'm sensitive and vulnerable. I'm unsure of what lays ahead. I'm cranky and irritable and not sure if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not always sure that I'm doing a good job. And so on and so forth. But if I always feel as if I have to play this role...then how will I ever uncover who is meant to be for me? Who's going to be OK with me liking them and them liking me? Who I may eventually...marry? *shrugs*


I said I was going to be doing ongoing self analysis...here's part two of I don't know how many...


Have you ever felt pressure from the people around you who want to 'marry' you off? What is your answer for them? What is your take on marriage?

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Venus vs. Mars: Why Folks Don't Get It (aka Stop Beating a Dead Horse)

I'm sure that by now, many of you have either heard about or listened to or seen Nightline's Face Off, where they did a forum on why the Successful Black Woman cannot find a good man.

*dramatic sigh* We haven't figured this out yet? It's real simple...I didn't need to hear Steve, Sherri, Hill, and Jacque (the other panelist, Jimi, I'm ignoring him - he should stick to writing books - and what was the deal with the muscle shirt? Throw a blazer on it, my dude) explain it to me. I knew the answer a long time ago. But, being the good rambler that I am, I figure, why not address some of the broad generalizations mentioned?

Here we go...

1. Black women and their standards. Blah blah bliggedy blah. [sidebar: the first issue, even before we talk about that, is to say that the biggest problem is that we're too busy generalizing to figure out the real problem]  If I hear one more of my fellow women say that they need someone to be a Ph.D candidate or drive a car or whatever have you before they'll consider a dude, I will seriously hurl. I was talking to a homegirl of mine (who will remain nameless, but when she reads this, she'll know who she is...I told you I was gonna call you out) about eligible black men and she went down that typical 'they're all bums and the same' shtick and, of course, in typical KP fashion, I stared at her. Waited for her to finish. Then I YouTubed Katt Williams and played it for her. She started laughing. I was serious. (Usually I am dead serious when people laugh at me the hardest.) She went on to talk about their laziness, their lack of education, etc. etc.
Blank stare...you have an associates on that 4 year plan. It's a two year degree. Shhh. 
There is NOTHING wrong with an associates, a certificate, any of these things. Do what you do and do it well. My problem is that you cannot sit there, demanding a Ph.D, when you don't have one. Period. End of story. It's called equally yoked. Moving on...

So many women that I encounter have these absurd 'lists' of things that they must have in order for them to be with that person...pretty skin...must be 5'11 or above...have to have their own place/car...must pay for the first date or there won't be a second date...etc. etc. Meanwhile...the 5'8 man worth a quarter of a million dollars who lives at home to keep stacking so he can take over the world just walked by you with his rubber band on his phone, because you were too busy worried about your 'standards'. And yes, that example might seem extreme (or is it?)...but it's the reality. It's not time to lower your standards...it's just time to be realistic. On the other hand...many of us become content to be in these go nowhere relationships with that quote-end quote "bum" because we don't want to be alone and so we accept whatever because we're afraid to go for what we really want. Like I said...it's time to be realistic.

2. Black Women are Bitter. Um...some are. *shrugs* And it's time to get over it. Seriously. Why should a man need to carry your baggage unless y'all are going on vacation? The next man will not do what the last one did unless you allow it. And then, in that case, that's your bad. If you're staying away from a relationship because you realize that you have baggage that needs to go into that good and deep basement storage behind the cobwebs, fine. Do you. Nothing wrong with that. It's where I am right now myself. (Well, at least, it's where I was. I wasn't sure if I was ready...I am.) But if you are going to wallow in what the last dude did to you...I know if I don't wanna hear it, then I know a man doesn't.

3. Black Men are Intimidated by Strong, Successful Black Women. No they're NOT!!! Really, I swear, they're not. If they're a real man...hunny, they are singing your praises, they are waiting for you to invite them to your big debut so they have a reason to show off, they are touting your successes every chance they get. I'm serious. I know a lot of great men, both single and taken, who I talk with about this...and they all say the same thing: some of y'all are looking at the wrong type of man...or you're seeking to make some men into something they are NOT. A good man is excited and turned on by success and wants to bask in it. Like Steve Harvey said...some men are not intimidated, they're ashamed that they're not where they want to be yet. And that may not be your issue, true...but I'm just saying. Get away from that thought process.

Dang, there's so much I want to touch on!!

4. There are no gentlemen left. To this I say...um...read this.

5. I can't find any faithful black men. You do realize that black men get cheated on too, right...? For more info and in the interest of people's contact lenses drying out, please refer back to number 2. *wink*

Now. So that it doesn't seem like I'm a man stuck in a chick's body, lemme head over to the men's side of things for a second:

1. Black women have an attitude. Some of us do. Many of us do because you think we do. Sometimes, you hit us up at the wrong time. Sorry. Stop generalizing.

2. Black women don't know how to support a man.  I don't know where the hell that idea came from, but it couldn't be further from the truth. A good woman will make your dream hers without losing sight of who she is....mainly because she has a dream of her own...and that dream could be the best damn Suzy Q Homemaker or the hottest chick in the game...or a comprehensive strategy to take over the world (are you sensing a trend with the taking over the world thing?)

3. Wait a minute...I don't have a 3 right now. I'm just gonna conclude and come together. Wait, wait, wait. Real real quick: Black women don't support their men. (Yes, this is slightly different than #2.) Ok. So. On the one hand, some of us are real quick to dismiss a brother with no job. But riddle me this, Batman...if your shorty pays your bills, feeds you, gives you ideas and/or funds your dream chasing in any way...this is support and should not be misconstrued as nagging if she eventually starts fussing at you to get a job. Money makes the world go 'round, partna. You are in the wrong country for that love run government. We all capitalists ova 'ere so...

Ok, moving on.

There are equal problems on both ends of the spectrum. I just want us to stop beating up on each other and talk to each other, communicate, however it is that you communicate. Ladies - you are going to, at some point, have to suck it up and feed your man's ego a lil. It is what it is. If you can't do that, be content with being single. Don't worry. I'll be sure to...actually, y'all can have that. I don't wallow. And I have no problem giving a compliment. Gentlemen - I hate to break it to you, but some of us like to talk...and talk some more...and be complimented...and courted and what have you. Deal with it. The reality is that so many of us are so busy looking for all the wrong, on both ends, that we will let the right walk right on by...and then get mad when it does. I said this before...it's 2010. Time to use your words.

Once we get into our heads that we are different and each situation is different and that we need to let go of our fears and inhibitions and embrace some humility, a little ego stroking, and a scoop of freak, perhaps we will be able to find what we are all looking for, be it that man who is willing to run the world side by side with them (can you tell I'm seeking world dom-eee-na-tion?? [cockroach from Fairly Oddparents voice]), or that woman who is cool with just being content in their past and happy in their future. Whatever it is. I know I'm working on not being a punk anymore. But either way...can we put this topic to rest now? Because there's a bit of an air of desperation happening now and I gotta tell allyuh, there is nothing sexy about it...

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