Am I Ready For Love?

"I'd quickly give my freedom/To be held in your captivity/I am ready for love/All of the joy and the pain/And all the time that it takes/Just to stay in your good grace"

India.Arie, "Ready For Love" 

I've always asked myself if I knew what it means to love someone. I mean, I thought I did. When I was with my daughter's father (a topic that I have yet to touch on and I doubt that I ever will, at least not on here), I thought I loved him. I know that I was willing to give quite a bit of myself to ensure that we were happy and secure in whatever or wherever we did. And I suppose that, in some small form, I did indeed, love him, in whatever I thought love was at that time. (So maybe I will touch on it, a little.) I know that at the time, what I thought was mature was far from it. We were two people, having great sex that we confused to be love fighting to be on the same wavelength, forcing square pegs into round holes. A beautiful child resulted from this Samson and Goliath fight - a child that I thank God for every day - and that is probably the only the good thing that came of that battle. 

Wait. I'm being unfair. That's not exactly true. The warrior scars that I received from that fight taught me many things. It taught me that my instincts are intense and powerful and that I should trust them. It taught me that when someone tells you who they are, believe them. It taught me that I need to be with a Caribbean man if I am ever to be with someone permanently. (I'm sorry, American/other men!) It taught me many things. The most important thing it taught me - part of the reason for this particular blog - is that I don't know what love truly is.

So to backpedal a little. This morning, headed to work, I hop on the train as usual, throw my Skull Candy in my ears, and open up my iPod on my phone to determine what I am going to sleep listen to on my way in. I had downloaded India.Arie's first album recently because I heard it in one of my good friend's cars and I figured it'd be a good addition to my ITunes. I knew that the song "Ready for Love" was on there, I had heard it before, and thought it was an intensely beautiful song. This morning, as usual, I fell asleep listened to music until about two stops before I had to get off. When I woke up, "Ready for Love" was playing. I debated skipping the song - it had a tendency to make me emotional and I wasn't really digging that - but I decided to let it rock for the moment. 

When I tell all yuh that it smacked me in the face this dreary morning...

I mean, it really hit me. Hard. I realized why it made me so emotional every time I heard it. It wasn't because I was ready and was just ready to soak up all this love. It was because I wasn't ready. I mean, really. I thought I was ready for everything that love had to offer.  But I'm not! I don't even think I know what love is. I'm very serious. If you take a moment to read/listen to the words to this song, you'll understand my sudden epiphany. I'm not even sure how to express how I feel about this. It's so odd. I'll be working this newest self discovery about me out in several forthcoming blogs. 

But now I ask you: what is love to you? Do you think that love is as intense and fulfilling as India.Arie puts it? When did you know that you were ready to love and be loved?

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Use Your Words

Scene: You're sitting in your room, stressing. Looking at the ceiling in your room. Wondering why you can't just call and say what's on your mind. You stare at your phone. You put it away. You stare at the ceiling again. Next thing you know...the thing you want most has passed you by and now you mad.

Curtain Call. It's over for that. It's 2010. 

I know that sometimes, saying what's on your mind, depending on what's on your mind, can be really difficult to do. Heck, I know first hand that as vocal as I can be, I have myself been guilty of holding my tongue, afraid to say what's on my heart, for fear of what the other person may or may not say. And I don't even just mean romantically. Think about it. Your friend's in a rough spot, and you know this. But you don't know what to say to them. You hold on to your thoughts because you don't want to get involved, afraid that they'll think you're meddling. Or being a hater. Or whatever. Pick a popular phrase and put it here. 

I've been dealing with a lot of personal growth for quite some time, but particularly since I started my locs. And what I've realized is this: life is too short to be holding on to the negative energy that you hold on to by not saying what's on your mind. This is, of course, not to say that you automatically get a 'tactless' pass: you do not earn the right to be a jerk by saying what's on your mind. You should, however, say what's on your mind. 

In days gone by, people would call this "manning up". I'm sure the implication here is that not saying your mind is a 'soft' or effeminate thing. Or whatever. Lemme just tell all yuh...I know plenty of male punks. So I think that phrase is played. Over with. Done. 

So I keep this like I try to keep most things that we as humans try to complicate: simple and to the point. Use your words. This is what I will be saying from now on to anyone that has an opinion, wants to tell someone that they love them, thinks that their friend is making a mistake, has a family member that ain't living right, whatever. Life's just too short. It really is. And let's keep it all the way 100: if you can't tell the people you care about what you're thinking or how you're feeling, then why are they your friend/ride or die/homie/fam?

In closing, ladies and gentlemen, use your words. Don't let them run like hamsters around in your head. Figure out the best way to say whatever it is you need to say, and use your words. 

Now. Run forth and frolic. That is all. *wink*

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Being a Girl Sucks...A Lil Bit Sometimes

My running joke with my friends is that I am a male mind stuck in a female's body. When I was growing up, I did girl things like go to dance school and play with Barbie dolls. I also played the handball game 'suicide' and basketball with the boys at school, collected basketball cards, watched basketball and football, etc etc. As I got older, I found myself relating more to guys, having many more guy friends than females. This, of course, led to interesting assessments of me from varying people - you know, she's sleeping with them all, she's a woman hater, 'she think she cute' (one of my personal faves) and she's stuck up.

Obnoxious.

An a**hole.

You'd be surprised at what I've heard over the course of the years. (Or maybe you wouldn't.)

At any rate, as a (muffles age) year old, I have found that more and more, I find myself in an interesting crossroads: how to balance the fact that I have finally embraced my girlyness (cue the color pink, people! Sigh) with the way that I think (if I quote any one of my friends - "you think/sound like a duuuude, kid"...). I guess it's my straightforward, no holds barred nature. I was talking to a girlfriend of mine a few days ago about varying different things, and I found myself talking to her about the way I saw some of those things...and after she stared at me for some time...she asked, "Are you sure you weren't a guy in a former life?" Um...NO... right?

Being who/how I am, of course, now annoys me when I find myself subjected to a twinge of emotion. And it could be something simple. Like, today, my homeboy and I were talking about a series of dates that he went on a while back that seemed to have promise. He was telling me how cool she was, how willing she was to hang out and wasn't a priss at all...and then told me about the chick he was digging that he wanted to take out and hang with. I laughed at him and said, "oh so you made shorty a buddy!!" He scoffed...but then he agreed. Said that she was like one of his 'boys'. After I hung up with him, I felt a sort of way...that's how most of my guy friends see me - including past 'relationships' and the like. And then I was mad for even dwelling on something so...GIRLY.

I dunno.

Being a girl sucks sometimes. I get used to compartmentalizing my emotions that I don't find are relevant to whatever it is at the time that I'm dealing with. It makes it challenging when they sort of raise their ugly head. Sometimes, I'd rather not deal with the estrogen charged feelings at all. This, of course, is not to denigrate any emotions or feelings that my male counterparts have. I know that feelings are open to people in general and are not solely for women. But again, at this point, I'm sure you're looking for a deeper explanation, and this is still, after all, a rambling. I'll work out actual sensible explanations later on. *wink*

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Ramblings Live and Direct from "Vacation"

So it's day 5 of my "vacation" from my full time gig. The beauty of working within a high school setting is that you are off when they are. Once this full time catering thing gets off the ground running, however, I'm sure that will all change. But for now...vacation, here I come! Or came. Whatever.

So you wanna know what I learned this week? It's a list, so here we go!

1. I know a LOT of people! I think I spent my entire week trying to catch up with everyone that I hadn't been able to see and/or hang out with in however long (months, as many of them reminded me).

2. My daughter, even when she is being annoying, is awesome. I love that kid.

3. My friends are veritable comedians. Aw man. The things some of them say. You just don't know, man. (Well, if you're my friend and you're reading this, then you do know. But I'm saying.)

4. I really do see the strangest things on a regular basis! Like, it's me, I swear to all yuh, it's me! Between the singing man with the sparkly hobo hat that kept switching wigs to sing about baby mamas and daddies (I couldn't make this up if I tried), to the rat and his family darting past us on the LIRR stairs to get to the first seat...seriously...I'm telling you, the strangest things happen to me.

5. I am REALLY cute!! (LOL)

6. Um...I am starting to like pink. All yuh, call in de calvary for meh, eh? I have hated pink ALL OF MY LIFE...and yet lately, I bought a pink coat (actually two pink coats, one magenta, one coral), my iPhone case is black and pink, the headphones, pink, the gloves, pink...hints of my bag are pink...am I turning into a girly girl??!? (This might constitute another blog...)

7. I give wonderful advice that I wonder if sometimes, if I were to listen to myself, would actually work for me. My plan? To give it a shot! What's the worst that could happen?

8. I'm struggling on focusing. As I write this, I am fighting the urge to work on that story that I keep meaning to finish. (If I had a dime, no, a dollar, for every story that I started to write that I never finished...)

9. I'm wondering if I'm ready to "use my cajones" yet.

10. After having given up unhealthy eating, and cursing (gave it up for Lent, let's see how far I can make it), drinking less (well, not this week, but prior to this) and depriving myself of...ermm...you know...I wonder if I haven't done too much too fast. I feel like I'm frothing at the mouth a little. (If) When my..ermm...you know what? I'm about to say too much...

11. Which is something else that I've learned. My mouth REALLY has no filter! I'm not sure if that's good or not...probably not...


I'm sure I've learned more, but *yawn*...

My ramblings for today...anyone care to share theirs?

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Call Me the Anti AutoTune, Pro VDay TweetHead

"This is Death of Autotune/Moment of Silence" - Jay-Z

What more fitting way to start this rambling? By now, most of us have heard this song by neighborhood dealer turned multi million dollar rapper mogul Jay-Z (yes, I went in that deep, I'm an admitted Jay-Z fan). When this song dropped, it didn't really matter that I had my eyebrows raised at the fact that my retired rapper aficionado was coming out with yet another album, all that mattered was that he said "Death to Autotune"!!

YESS!!!

At last, someone laid claim to my undying HATRED of the voice synthesizing machine that turned untalented 'artists' into multi million dollar selling...err...people. Though Roger Troutman made the vocoder very popular with funk hits such as "I Wanna Be Your Man", the newest trend of no talent artists (read: T-Pain) that have taken and spun the use of machine out of control baffles me.

Now, hear me out. I'm sure some of you are reading this and saying 1. Who the hell are you to say that they have no talent? 2. Who the hell are you to infer that one artist can determine who can and can't do something, and 3. Um...who the hell are you...PERIOD!!

Well, I'm just a Caribbean rambler. No one important per se. But I know music. I know music...and I know talent. That much I do know. And I know that with few exceptions (Jamie Foxx being one of them), the vast majority of the people who use autotune techniques are NOT talented. This is not to say that they are not innovative or creative in their own right. T-Pain is, indeed, talented in the sense that he was able to build this brand of himself using the tools he knew how to use best. That is what I like to call good marketing. He is not, however, classically talented. I love good music. I MISS good music.

Moving on.

I've been seeing and hearing a lot of Valentine's Day rants and ramblings, usually from those who are currently unattached or who have had bad experiences. I say this, simply: we get too hung up on holidays and the like. We also don't open ourselves up to feeling again, new relations and the like. Granted, it is true that we are human and cannot help instinctively wanting to simply curl up into a ball and protecting ourselves from emotional hurt that way, but really though, what did the 'holiday' do to you? I guarantee you, when you have a meaningful relationship, you won't be throwing the day shade anymore (unless you're like my homegirl and her husband, who could truly care LESS. But not many are like them. LOL). So stop it. Be nice to V Day. *smiles*

Finally. I am an official TweetHead. I spend 30% of my day at LEAST on Twitter. I know some ppl hate Twitter. Take it from someone who was the same way: use it for a while and then make a judgment. You'll change your mind. I swear.

What do you think of Autotune? Do you think it's overused? How do you feel about Valentine's Day? Contrite day or welcome extra love? What are your thoughts on Twitter? Think....discuss...

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Growing Pains

I lost a friend recently. It was painful.

You will recall me talking about getting into an argument with a good friend of mine, and questioning whether or not I made the right choice by bringing her into my inner circle. We got into it again recently and she made the decision to make her feelings known on two very popular social media forums, even going so far as to tag me in the posts, instead of talking to me and trying to get me to understand what she was thinking and/or going through. Obviously these are the very BASE details, but it got me to thinking heavily about who I am, what I do, and where my flaws lie. I'm very big into self exploration and introspection. It is safe to say that we are no longer friends. If I know nothing else about myself, I know that I do not tolerate ANYONE defaming my character, particularly when they are in a position to be an adult and have a discussion with me about whatever the problem is. It's unfortunate too. Up until that point, I really cared. *shrugs*.

Growing up is a painful, PAINFUL process that sometimes involves making decisions that you may not want to make, and doing things that you may or may not want to actually do. It involves being the bigger person when all of your instincts (and sometimes, other people) scream that you are not wrong, that you are being wronged (and sometimes, the reverse). It sometimes means that the people with whom you are the closest; the people who you think understand you the most; are also the ones that you have to watch the closest; for they have the power to do the most damage. Sometimes...it means swallowing your pride and confronting your feelings, even when you feel like being the punk of the century. Growing up is not always fun...shedding your outer skin for fresh skin sometimes leaves you feeling vulnerable...and even a little lost.

Of course, with fresh skin comes a certain glow and a new start on this thing we call life. Sure, right now, when the wound is still fresh, you feel a bit raw and exposed - for me, I know that there were things that I was able to share with this person that I never had to explain to others - they just seemed to get it. However...anytime someone will go so far as to accuse you of being 'envious' and of 'stealing their dream' - particularly when they themselves walked away from it, or when their biggest obstacle to success was them - is not someone that you can help...not, at least, until they help themselves. The point is that growing up may hurt at first...but you always emerge stronger as a result.

Have you ever encountered a painful 'growing up' experience, either in your present or in your past? How did you let it shape who you currently are?

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