Arousal of the Mind

As Sex Therapy plays and I assess how much progress a year brings, I got to thinking about being aroused.

Lemme tell you a story about a guy I know.

This is a guy who managed to get me to do unmentionable things engage in unrefined discourse at 3 in the morning...you all know the kind...the kind of discourse that has you humming Trey Songz songs mid-afternoon at work.

We're all adults here.

And, after all, I am writing this at that bewitching hour.

So anyway. This man was...is...a persuasive man. And he managed to do this with his mouth.

Ok, I wasn't being fresh that time. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I'm serious.

His ability to engage in intellectual banter on all topics was the subject of many a Facebook status - and the thing that led me to engage in...well...unrefined discourse (c). His arousal...of my mind...belied any good looks, impeccable wave pattern, or Guc other items that may define and/or identify him. He had a way with words, if you will...and his words always...always...arouse my mind.

Enough of discussing my love life my interesting stuff.

The fact remains that sex and intimacy, for me, starts with how you engage my mind. I know many may disagree, citing rock hard abs a la Tyrese...or a Morris Chestnut smile...or the manly stature of Idris Elba...all as things that both arouse and lead to the bedroom.

For me, it's all about your mind.

Talk to me about the evolution of our democracy as a whole. Debate with me on the state of our economy. Chat with me about the future of the demagogue of the Caribbean islands as a whole. Tease my hopeless romantic nature. Deliberate with me over the future of our children. Those are arousing to me. Though chocolate skin and the indelible six pack may, at first, cause me to give you a second look...for me...your ability to converse will arouse every time. Having said that...it is also the arousal of my mind that has the potential to confuse me. After all, if we can talk about anything, then it has to be more than lust, right?

So I ask you: what is it that is most appealing and arousing to you in a companion? Can you engage in 'unrefined discourse' with someone you cannot actually talk to?

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I Believe The Children Are Our Future...and it SCARES Me...

"I believe the children are our are future/Teach them well and let them lead the way/Show them all the beauty they possess inside"

      - Whitney Houston, The Greatest Love of All

Yes. I went there. I got good and cliché for a moment.

Hear me out.

I truly do believe our children are our future – because they are. When I was growing up, my parents taught me many skills – but the most important lesson that they taught me was that I was going to grow up and live a better life than they did. As Caribbean immigrants, we grew up in a household that was relatively strict (as strict as probably was acceptable and allowed in the States), and my brother and I always knew that we were going to be successful at something. We had a healthy fear of our parents – we knew that talking back, getting less than a 90 on an exam, sassing a teacher, or getting suspended were all crimes punishable by a ‘cut tail’ or ‘allyuh teef (teeth) lik out yuh mout’.

I’m sure you get the drift.

Our current generation is our future, too. After all, at some point, eventually (though the thought of it scares me) we will die, and the current generation will be our age…working in the world…having children of their own, husbands and wives of their own, businesses of their own…

Doesn’t the thought just scare you shitless?

It certainly scares me. And I love children. But the direction that this generation has taken is quite the frightening one. My daughter and I went to the library today, as is our usual practice, to do homework and to read and in general, spend quality time together, and the like. The library has always been a quiet place to do this sort of thing. More and more I have noticed, however, that the JHS and younger HS students from the local school hang out and around the library for lack of anything better to do. They were being rowdy and were subsequently asked to leave by the librarian. An argument ensued, the kid in question called their mom – and that’s when all hell broke loose. The next thing you know, the mom is in the librarian’s face and the children – hyped up by the potential fight – have begun knocking all of the books off of the library shelves.

Now. We won’t get into how the parent was the one who started knocking everything off in anger, or how the cops were called and the library was eventually evacuated. (You read me right.) What we will discuss is when the cops arrived, how some of the kids began to slowly sit and calm down because they had priors. #blankeffingstare

Priors? You’re fourteen!!! What the hell were you doing that caused you to…you know what, never mind…smdh…

The point of it all is that our children have taken a disturbing turn. I can’t blame them alone. One of their biggest problems is their parents themselves. Being a single mom, I fight every day to ensure that my daughter receives all the love and care and education that she will need to be successful, so as to combat the stereotypes already being thrust at her. And I will give her father his due – he may not be the ideal father, and we may no longer be friends – but we both have a vested interest in the well being and development of our daughter. She will not be a statistic. Other parents, however, are not holding up their end of the bargain.  Whatever happened to setting the example? To modeling positive behaviors and encouraging said behavior? Hell, what happened to being the adult?

Part of the other problem is my taxes. I know… you’re probably like, what the hell is KP rambling on about now? You see, I was of the mistaken impression that a portion of my tax money paid to the state goes to education and its systems. So when I hear that these same children that loiter outside and inside said library no longer have their last period classes because the state has cut their funding and so they couldn’t go to afterschool, the same school system that asks my child for paper towels, Ziploc bags, calculators and correction tape on their school supply list because the Department of Education cannot afford to buy these things for their teachers…well, then I just wonder why I’m paying taxes. Because if it’s for metal detectors and for staff that don’t even know the students they teach, well, I just don’t know about paying my taxes for this broken system.

But in essence, after all the finger pointing is done…what are the other three fingers pointing toward? A child’s surroundings and living circumstance is only one portion of the equation. At some point – you, as said child, have to care. You have to recognize within you that you are better. There are all sorts of positive influences and resources in every neighborhood to aid you in such. You have to know that hanging out side on the corner, play fighting and disrespecting adults as they walk by is not okay. Or throwing cut parties everyday – at some point, you have to know that you will not graduate if you continue to do so. You have to understand that a GED is not the answer – that is, if you are in the ninth grade and are ‘tired’ of school, you do not jump to take your GED, you suck it up and make it through school because finishing school gives you more options. A GED is for the people who cannot finish high school via traditional means and have no other alternative. It is not a test for the lazy.

And for us adults – we have to keep pushing our kids to care…because if we don’t…if we don’t…this is the generation that will be running the hospices and nursing homes that we will be residing in…and they will not know 2 plus 2 without a calculator, they will not know what a multiplication table is…they will not  be able to discern that Africa is a continent and not a country…James Joyce will be a Marvel comic book character to them…and the SAT? Well that just means to sit...that is, if we don’t do some thing now…and I’m not exaggerating.




One. 




Bit.

Because I believe the children are our future…and right now…that SCARES me.

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Dying for Love

She held his gaze for as long as she could stand the intensity of it, then lowered her head and stared at the book cover. “Is the ending sad?”

“Very”.

Ella felt the heat of his gaze on the crown of her head. She felt the pressure of the walls, which seemed to be closing in, and the weight of air against her skin where it was exposed. Her throat became painfully tight.

In a low voice he said, “Even knowing the ending was sad, I wouldn’t have deprived myself the beauty of the story. Would you?”

      An excerpt from the book Rainwater by  Sandra Brown

One of the reasons that I never watched the movie Titanic was that I already knew exactly how the movie would end. I mean, who didn’t? Everyone knows the ending of the movie, as well as the real life story. The ship sinks. ‘Titanic’ became symbolic with ‘big, hulking, utter failure’ when it sunk on its maiden voyage. So when talking to a good friend of mine about the movie, and she goes on and on about how why there was only one door, why Jack couldn't be saved, I looked at her as if she had two heads. What was she talking about?

The ship sinks. The end. What Jack? What Rose?

Theatrics and fictional script writing aside, such is often the case with relationships that we know will not stand the test of time, not because of over analytically driven fears, but because of either foreseen or unforeseen circumstance. In the case of Jack and Rose, unexpected elements prevented their relationship from seeking its true potential. In the story I quote above, the main character falls in love with one of her boarders, for varying reasons, and sticks with him, even though she knows that he is dying of a terminal illness.


In the book I quote above, David Rainwater, a boarder in Ella Barron's boarding house in Texas during the Great Depression, comes to her with only mere months to live, a terminal illness (we realize later on that it is stomach cancer) shortening his life expectancy. The two eventually fall in love, despite Ella's hesitation based on David's condition. I rarely do romantic novels but I love historical fiction. Rainwater set me up, in  a way. I was expecting historical fiction - I got that and romance, but more important, a testament to endurance, strength, and true love. Rainwater encourages the living of life, despite knowing the potential negative outcomes, in this case, imminent death. 

Which brings me to this: could you do it? I mean, of course, it’s true; we all have to die sometime. But if you know that they’re dying? Could you continue on?  Or would the experience be too much for you to handle? I think that most people’s relationship fears stem from letting go and truly experiencing love – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Think about it – when a person talks about why they don’t want to be in a relationship, the number one reason is the fear of being hurt. However, if your significant other were going to die, and you knew this, it doubles the hurt factor.

But is it worth it? Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is whether or not the experience, the love itself, is more important than the outcome. Are you willing to go through hurt in order to experience love?

So I ask you - could you see yourself pursuing a relationship with someone, knowing that they truly may not be here tomorrow?

Be honest…

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The Fear of 'Driving'

There was a time when a person’s dream job consisted of finding that dream already established and working in the field of said established dream. As of late, it is easily noticeable that many people, tired of working traditional nine to fives, have been stepping out on faith – carving their own niches in the world - and creating businesses – and dreams – of their own.

There takes a certain level of determination and drive to take that next step. It’s a scary thing – and I speak from experience. Owning and operating my own business has left me with varying feelings – and they are not always good feelings, either. I’m scared most of the time, to be quite honest. A wise man that I’m proud to call my friend told me once, “If you don’t wake up scared shitless every day – then it ain’t right”.

Or something along those lines.

The point I make is –

Wait.

Let’s look at it from a different angle. 

Learning to drive is a challenging thing. There are little basic nuances you learn, either from taking lessons, or learning from someone else. As you garner up the courage to take that road test, you are either overly confident – or you are scared out of your mind. When you pass that test – you feel elated. Jubilant. You’re ready to hit the road. When you hit the road, though, for real, no matter how confident you are, no matter who you are, somewhere in the back of your head, you think to yourself, “Oh shit, what if I crash this car?”

I don’t know not one person who drives that didn’t think that their first time driving. You don't have to admit it to me. I understand.

It’s no different when you take that first step out as a business owner. Some of us don’t make it past the gate. We’re busy worried about our day to day living, so much so that we never open the gate and walk out on faith (and planning. Lots and lots of planning). Some of us walk out the gate and lean on it for a while – we’re afraid of stepping forward, of taking that next step, of actually doing what we said we wanted to do. Some of us are like me – they’ve run out the gate, around the corner, down the block – but they’re in need of a Red Bull. Reality has hit – and now, they’re wondering what the hell they were thinking.

Sort of like I am.

So this is my pep talk as much as it is for everyone out there, struggling between freedom and perpetual job slavery. If you’re thinking about it…do less thinking and start planning. If you’re in the process of planning – stop planning and actually implement. Start prioritizing. You may have to give up certain smaller dreams to actualize the bigger ones. If you’re like me – and you’ve already started working on your dream – don’t let the setbacks push you back.  

You started driving for a reason. 

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Sexy Intimacy Love Lust Bullsh...

Your skin possesses a thin sheen, a glisten only accomplished from one of two acts of exertion. This time, it’s not the gym – Lord knows, you can’t remember when last you stepped inside of that place. A touch turns into a caress. Caress turns into that grip on your hip – the one right before your back arches – and you lose all control.

Later on, you all lie against damp sheets and discuss everything under the sun. Perhaps you don’t. Perhaps you lay there in post-bliss. You might decide to cuddle – your front to their back – or the reverse. You could even dispense with all of the above – and just go to sleep. If it’s a 4 am relationship, then maybe you’re just about headed back to the car at this point. (If you are headed to the bus, I think now would be an ideal time to consider a new 4 am relationship.)

Maybe you’re just gearing up for round 2. Or 3.

Any of the above scenarios sound familiar? They should.

If you are sexually active, then chances are, one of the following above scenarios have occurred, at some point or another. Sex, in all of its facets, is an enjoyable exertion of calories, pleasures, positions, etc. Many songs have been written about this seemingly private deed. I am 100% sure that there is not a person out there that couldn’t name at least 2 songs based on sex. (Don’t worry. I’ll wait.)

Now. Pay close attention to my next question. Of the above scenario – which was the most appealing part?

Some of you might have said the back arching part. (Especially if you are currently backed up.) Others might have quoted the cuddling as your favorite part. I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of you, however, said that you valued the whole experience. Sex without intimacy is, for all intents and purposes, simply rutting. Everyone craves intimacy in some form - whether they want to admit it or not. Often, in my opinion, intimacy is coupled with the idea that said people coupling are in some form of committed relationship – which is not necessarily the case – or is it?

So I throw out the question to you: Do you prefer sex – or intimacy? What is your definition of both? When in those moments of craving bodily contact, is it for the sex – or for the intimacy? 

Be honest…

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Disappearing Acts

"And then there're the ones who got scared when they realized I wasn't playing. 'You're too intense', one said. 'Too serious', said another one.

I told them that this wasn't high school or college, but the grown-up edition of life. They were still comfortable not having a care in the world, so I let 'em run and hide, especially the ones that needed professional help.  So now I'm taking off the blindfolds and doing the bidding myself".

- "Zora", Disappearing Acts by Terry McMillan 

 I probably should preface this by saying that I am not nearly as angry as the "Zora"s of the world...or hell, I ain't even Ms Terry mad. I'm not mad at all. I don't subscribe to "Crazy Black Woman Syndrome"...in fact, my girlfriends are convinced I am a man hiding in a woman's body...with a mean pair of shoes, a fly ass knife kit, and a fierce Mont Blanc.

But I digress...and ramble...as usual.

I'm a creature of habit and a person of patterned behaviors and exhibitions. That is to say, all of my relationships, be they jump off or otherwise, exhibit a pattern. And you may have seen me mention it before. Perhaps you haven't. The point is that there is one specific common thread: they all disappear. They pursue me with what might be considered wild, borderline obsessive abandon, and when I finally cave and give in to their charm, they back off. Of course, this is a very general assessment of my pattern - but it about sums it up - at least, in my opinion.

The first time I noticed this was about four years ago. He was the original "Disappearing Acts". Slightly older than me, attractive, well off, financially secure, kept me laughing, was Caribbean like me, and so on and so on. My guard was up at first, of course - I was coming off of the heels of the finally-off-for-good relationship with the father of my child - and I wasn't looking to get myself into a relationship. Neither was he. OK, cool, works for everyone, right? We dated - first time in my life I ever did so (seriously) - and I liked him. Like, googly eyed, "OMGhesonthephonewhatdoido?" high school liked him. But I kept my cool and proceeded at a slow but decent place. We crossed that next relationship step and everything was great.

Then something happened and all of a sudden, he disappeared. I would text him and get no response. I wish I could say that we'd gotten into some sort of disagreement or something, but we hadn't. About three months later, he hit me up like nothing had happened. I was utterly lost and I told him so. Again, keep in mind, I am obviously keeping it very general for the sake of brevity, but this is exactly what happened. I started calling him "Disappearing Acts" for that reason. We patched up that portion - but from that point on I proceeded with caution. Had a difficult time trusting him, so, admittedly, I backed away this time. He came back. We got a lot of stuff out of the way emotionally, he wanted me to meet his family (his suggestion, never mine), etc., etc, and then...

...he disappeared. Again.

I was done by then. I've since cut him off - we're cool, but I have no thoughts of pursuing anything with him at all, a fact that I made very clear. The next person - I don't really want to get into too many details, as this one is a bit sensitive for me, and not to mention that this post will go on and on if I actually get into it - but the resounding point of it would be that he disappeared, too. I will readily admit that this one shouldn't truly be considered a relationship as much as it qualifies as an "un-timed relationship".  The most recent person threw me for a loop. I had declared myself ready, you see. So when he came along, it was a bit of a smack in the face of my ready - I wasn't expecting it, nor was I expecting things to progress at the level and speed that they did (emotionally). He might have been the closest I've come to a relationship in quite some time.

I still don't really know what happened there. One day we were there - and the next, nothing. For weeks. I asked him point blank if he was interested or no - I just needed to know that I wasn't going crazy. He told me that he was, not to worry, he was just busy. That bought him about a week's worth of time. That week came and went - and I was quite over it. I can see the writing on the wall. There's busy - and then there's lack of interest. Part of it is that I'm simply entirely too understanding. And if there is one thing I've learned from my guy friends - it's if a dude is busy, no matter just how busy they are, they will find a way to be with you if that is what they want.

Which leads me, of course, to my usual self-analysis - what is it in me that causes the 'disappear' gene to rear it's unattractive head? What is the vibe that I'm putting off? This can't be any good for my already preexisting abandonment issues...And it can't be just me - others have to be experiencing something similar...

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The "Sanctity" of Divorce

My favorite line of 2010 has been: "I just met my future ex-husband/wife". I mean, what better way to express your attraction to someone?

O_o

As this Caribbean rambler approaches 30, I've found myself in attendance at many a wedding. As a caterer and event planner, I've found myself planning a few weddings. Either way, the past six months to a year have been a blur of weddings, both planned and unexpected, the most recent of which was this past weekend. As the over thinker that I am, I found myself listening intently to the vows with which my good friend and her husband took. I noted that these vows are the same vows that many of my other friends and family members have taken. I even took a moment to jot them down. This may seem strange, as the traditional wedding vows very rarely detour from the original, but humor me: 

"Do you, GROOM/BRIDE's NAME take BRIDE/GROOM's NAME to be your husband/wife – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?"

Insert "I do" here. 

Weddings, particularly grand, methodically planned ones that I and others like myself pride themselves on planning, are tear jerking events that leave many single folks such as myself momentarily considering 'jumping the broom'. From the "I do's" to the cutting of the splendiferous cake (yep, I said splendiferous), to the first dance to the tearful best man/maid of honor/parents of the bride and groom toasts, the concept of the 'perfect wedding' is a sight to behold and one that has been cultivated and has grown tremendously over the course of the decades.

Of course, so has the 'perfect divorce'. 

I had a client who, when asking me about some of her wedding details, asked me the fastest way to get an annulment. It took me aback, admittedly. Here this beautiful young woman was, about to marry the 'man of her dreams', and already you're thinking about an annulment? Something is wrong with this picture. In another scenario, a wedding that a friend of mine catered upstate asked for the 'richer or poorer' portion of the vows to be removed from the spiel, because she was "definitely marrying for 'richer' and there would be no 'poorer'". 

The above, my fellow rambling fans, would be a direct quote. Something is wrong with this picture.

And on it goes. Nowadays, at least 50% of marriages end in divorce. 50%. That's half of them. Many of the marriages that have ended in divorce, statistically, are due to monetary concerns, infidelity, inability to have children, etc.  I have never been married, but I can tell you as an outsider looking in, from a logical point of view, that often times, the reasoning behind divorcing a spouse stems from an inability to commit. Why? Consider this: if you look above, I highlighted the portion of the vows that state: "in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy". When you hear of someone divorcing, if you hear nothing else, you hear interpolations of "I didn't sign on for this". 

Except...that you did. When you took those vows, you did sign on for EXACTLY that…right? 

Unless you wrote your own vows and carefully phrased them, you did sign up for the worse...if your spouse cheated on you, is it worth forgiveness? If your spouse suddenly becomes ill or can no longer bear children, do you allow yourself to continue? Do you find a way to make the impossible possible? If your spouse makes a bad investment that renders you broke...is that a deal breaker? If so, why? Is that not all a part of your vows...the ability to find the compromise to work through difficult situations? Do all the little things that a person does, the little things that permeate a person’s character and make them who they are, do those things constitute irreconcilable differences? Perhaps it is my naivete, having never been married, that is causing me to pose these questions...but it is something that I constantly consider when I watch the divorce rate climb every year. 

Am I saying all situations are workable? No. Sometimes, divorce is the only answer...but it should not be the default answer, it should be a last resort answer, in my personal opinion. For example, if your partner for the rest of your life has another partner for the rest of their lives…I’d consider that a deal breaker. (So does the law. Bigamy is illegal in 48 states.) If your partner is living a double life, I think it’d be ok to say, “Who the &*^$# did I marry?” But if your partner happens to have a porn addiction, my advice would be to install a projector and get Pinkie, Mr. Marcus, and the Penthouse gang to teach you some tricks. (Not that I know anything about that.) Or…you could sign your significant other up for PAA (Porn Addicts Anonymous – yes, it really exists) and help them through it. It’s the least you could do since they rubbed your cruddy feet, greased your flaky scalp, and built you a bed. (I’ve been reading Getting To Happy. Sorry.) Seriously, though…wouldn’t that be considered some of the ‘worse’ that we should be guiding each other through?

So here are the questions I’ve been posing internally that I now pose to you: is a deal breaker really a deal breaker? What constitutes an absolute fail in a marriage? Where do you draw the line at trying to fix a relationship/marriage? Can a person truly judge another’s actions based on their imperfect model? Why is there such a big fear of genuine commitment? Is it a fear of the loss of control?

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