"And then there're the ones who got scared when they realized I wasn't playing. 'You're too intense', one said. 'Too serious', said another one.
I told them that this wasn't high school or college, but the grown-up edition of life. They were still comfortable not having a care in the world, so I let 'em run and hide, especially the ones that needed professional help. So now I'm taking off the blindfolds and doing the bidding myself".
- "Zora", Disappearing Acts by Terry McMillan
I probably should preface this by saying that I am not nearly as angry as the "Zora"s of the world...or hell, I ain't even Ms Terry mad. I'm not mad at all. I don't subscribe to "Crazy Black Woman Syndrome"...in fact, my girlfriends are convinced I am a man hiding in a woman's body...with a mean pair of shoes, a fly ass knife kit, and a fierce Mont Blanc.
But I digress...and ramble...as usual.
I'm a creature of habit and a person of patterned behaviors and exhibitions. That is to say, all of my relationships, be they jump off or otherwise, exhibit a pattern. And you may have seen me mention it before. Perhaps you haven't. The point is that there is one specific common thread: they all disappear. They pursue me with what might be considered wild, borderline obsessive abandon, and when I finally cave and give in to their charm, they back off. Of course, this is a very general assessment of my pattern - but it about sums it up - at least, in my opinion.
The first time I noticed this was about four years ago. He was the original "Disappearing Acts". Slightly older than me, attractive, well off, financially secure, kept me laughing, was Caribbean like me, and so on and so on. My guard was up at first, of course - I was coming off of the heels of the finally-off-for-good relationship with the father of my child - and I wasn't looking to get myself into a relationship. Neither was he. OK, cool, works for everyone, right? We dated - first time in my life I ever did so (seriously) - and I liked him. Like, googly eyed, "OMGhesonthephonewhatdoido?" high school liked him. But I kept my cool and proceeded at a slow but decent place. We crossed that next relationship step and everything was great.
Then something happened and all of a sudden, he disappeared. I would text him and get no response. I wish I could say that we'd gotten into some sort of disagreement or something, but we hadn't. About three months later, he hit me up like nothing had happened. I was utterly lost and I told him so. Again, keep in mind, I am obviously keeping it very general for the sake of brevity, but this is exactly what happened. I started calling him "Disappearing Acts" for that reason. We patched up that portion - but from that point on I proceeded with caution. Had a difficult time trusting him, so, admittedly, I backed away this time. He came back. We got a lot of stuff out of the way emotionally, he wanted me to meet his family (his suggestion, never mine), etc., etc, and then...
...he disappeared. Again.
I was done by then. I've since cut him off - we're cool, but I have no thoughts of pursuing anything with him at all, a fact that I made very clear. The next person - I don't really want to get into too many details, as this one is a bit sensitive for me, and not to mention that this post will go on and on if I actually get into it - but the resounding point of it would be that he disappeared, too. I will readily admit that this one shouldn't truly be considered a relationship as much as it qualifies as an "un-timed relationship". The most recent person threw me for a loop. I had declared myself ready, you see. So when he came along, it was a bit of a smack in the face of my ready - I wasn't expecting it, nor was I expecting things to progress at the level and speed that they did (emotionally). He might have been the closest I've come to a relationship in quite some time.
I still don't really know what happened there. One day we were there - and the next, nothing. For weeks. I asked him point blank if he was interested or no - I just needed to know that I wasn't going crazy. He told me that he was, not to worry, he was just busy. That bought him about a week's worth of time. That week came and went - and I was quite over it. I can see the writing on the wall. There's busy - and then there's lack of interest. Part of it is that I'm simply entirely too understanding. And if there is one thing I've learned from my guy friends - it's if a dude is busy, no matter just how busy they are, they will find a way to be with you if that is what they want.
Which leads me, of course, to my usual self-analysis - what is it in me that causes the 'disappear' gene to rear it's unattractive head? What is the vibe that I'm putting off? This can't be any good for my already preexisting abandonment issues...And it can't be just me - others have to be experiencing something similar...
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