Fuming Quietly, Blessed Slowly.

I'm fuming right now. Sigh. I don't know why. My temper and I have been doing real well. So why am I fuming right now? I got into it with a good friend of mine (well, we didn't REALLY get into it, that's just the way I see it right now) and I told her most of how I felt about the whole thing...now I just need time to get over being upset...why am I upset again?

Oh. Oh yes, that's right. I know why.

I feel sometimes like I am the most misunderstood understood person sometimes. Basically, I'm very open, honest, forthcoming, yadda yadda...and then there's a side of me that switches on and off at the first hint of trouble on the horizon, mainly because...well...who the hell wants trouble on the horizon? If I feel threatened, misunderstood, taken advantage of, or treated with kid gloves, the switch goes off, and doesn't come back on for a few days (or weeks) depending on the situation. I still don't think this is healthy, but I learned a while back that it's me. Period.

So today, I suppose the switch is off. I feel misunderstood and handled with kid gloves. But there's a bigger part of me that's afraid of everything. As I become more sure of who I am and what I bring to the table, I also become acutely aware of the people in my life and what they contribute, thus making me very wary of bringing aboard new people. I feel like I rushed this one. Did I? Only time will tell if I made the right decisions. I'm 95% sure I'm good. It's just the moments like these where I have doubts. I HATE having doubts.

Sigh. This is SOOO not where I wanted to be today.

Of course, there are other things on my mind right now. Working out my other blog and all of my business information has me a little weary in the head. Common worries like what's going to happen if/when I quit my current full time job and go for my dream and whether or not I've saved enough currently plague me. Confusion about the pseudo-relationship-but not really-thing that I have going on comes to mind more than a little bit. Worries about my little girl growing up petrify me. Wondering if anyone truly understands is always in the back of my mind. I fume quietly twice as much as I fume aloud.

But I am blessed slowly. This I know. The things that I worry about come to pass in their own time and work themselves out. Another good friend of mine was unemployed for a few months and yet managed to make it through to employment in a rough economy, all while keeping her head on. Being raised as a Caribbean woman has definitely taught me the power of perseverance and strength, two traits that I am exceedingly grateful for. I know that I have the tools and the power to make it through anything that is thrown my way. And, realistically, I know that the current set of friends, despite having arguments, disagreements, or the like, that I am surrounded by are in it for the long haul.

I am fuming quietly...but I am blessed slowly. I chose to focus on the fuming before...but I am focusing on the blessings now.

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The Beautiful Nightmare

You ever have a dream that was so real, so life like, that you woke up and it took you a minute to realize that you were dreaming? What if that dream scared the mess out of you? Not a nightmare...a DREAM...am I making any sense here?

My daughter was sick for the better portion of a week the week before last. I've been Airborne(ing) it, hot toddying it, and Vitamin Cing it up for weeks now, to fight off the cold that she had. It got me anyway...and the nighttime coughing, sniffling, sneezing, help you go into a drug induced mini coma medicine did NOT work. AND I was all out of Buckley's.

Grr.

So I've been fighting this cold all week. I felt physically better this weekend, but the fight wore me out, so much so that I went to sleep at about 12 pm and didn't budge until 2 pm. I had a dream during that time. It was so real that when I woke up, I found myself confused - where had everyone gone? It wasn't an unpleasant dream...in fact, I found myself happy as a clam.

And then I was scared shitless frightened beyond belief.

It was a dream, right? So what was I scared of? All of my...well, EVERYTHING, was lovely and successful, so why was I suddenly so afraid? I mean, in the dream, I was this attractive, successful, happy girl with more than most, and everyone around me was happy, so why did I wake up frightened? I'm not afraid of succeeding or reaching my goals...so what was it? It was very weird is what it was...

Do you ever find yourself awaking from a dream and wondering if you're ready for all it entails? Why do you think some people are so afraid of success and/or happiness?

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Cyber Stalking - LAME!!

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and they were telling me about an ex of theirs who was tracking their movements through Facebook via other people's pages. After my initial reaction of disgust ("you're using my page to do WHAAAT?") I stopped and pondered for a minute. Maybe there was something to this cyber stalking thing.

(guffaws) Like hell there is! How lame can you get?

I mean, let's think about this for a minute. You and your boo-of-the-moment are doing your thing, enjoying your sexing 'living in the moment', and then, suddenly, the moment's passed and one of you moves on but the other one doesn't. They are caught in the trap of good sexing 'living in the moment' and have it confused with a committed relationship. You know, the ones where the two people actually have relations outside of the 4 am relationship. That sort of thing. So now, shorty's desperate. They're trying to figure out what went wrong, where it went wrong, and what they can do to rectify the situation. Problem is, nothing was wrong necessarily. It is, simply, that the moment has passed.

The average person might chalk it up to experience and either vow not to get into that type of jump off relationship again. Others, such as the one my friend was referring to, begin to send out 'feelers' via email and/or text message to see if they can get the other party to bite. Or they decide to "follow up" with their former 'friend' through other mutual friends, all waiting for the opportunity to 'relive the moment'. Sigh.

Now. In my typical informative rambling manner, I must go over some key things. A 'moment' is defined by Merriam Webster Online as "1 a : a minute portion or point of time : instant b : a comparatively brief period of time". See that? Brief. Simple. Moments such as the 'buddy' relationship last for a 'brief period of time' until one of two things happen: the two parties decide to turn it into something more, or they decide to go and pursue what they really want, hereby ending the 'buddy' relationship. Simple. Sometimes, one or both parties don't know what they want, so they run and hide and avoid how they truly feel. This is rare. This is not the norm. Having many male friends, I have heard from their experiences that this is the exception and not the norm. Imjustsayin. LOL.

So anyway. If you find yourself going to look at your cut buddy "friend"'s page, and you catch yourself following them from page to page to see what they're up to, or you find yourself asking mutual friends ridiculous questions about their actions, press pause...back up...and reconsider. There is a good chance you're cyber stalking and thus being lame. Don't do it.

Have you ever known a friend to 'cyber stalk'? If so, what did you say to them? Have you ever been the one 'cyber stalking'? What did you do once you realized what you were doing?

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Them: "You...elitist!!" Me: "GASP! Yuh cuss meh?!" (Or is it?)

More and more I find myself leaning towards the books of sociopolitical commentators and satirists. Books by Bill Maher made me laugh until tears streamed down my face, reads by Dr. Cosby and Rick Shenkman made me chuckle and say, "You know...that's true..", Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" gave me new insight into capitalism and how it affects sociology, and Ann Coulter and Glenn Beck made me fold my arms, snicker, and say, "Huh...never thought I'd say it, but that's pretty true..." Of course, out of fear of losing my black card (I'm just kidding...sort of) I've also read any and everything W.E.B DuBois ever wrote, am currently re-reading Richard Wright's "Black Boy", collect Toni Morrison just for the challenge of reading the prose, (yes, this is a dichotomy, but she writes fiction books about the sociological aspects of black society, in my opinion...it's just a hard read...LOL), and Dr. Michael Eric Dyson and I have developed a love-hate relationship.

And this is where I begin the rambling. Intellectually, of course, but rambling nonetheless.

I recently was introduced to Dyson at the Harlem Book Fair when my best friend bought me his book "Debating Race with Michael Eric Dyson". Now. I try to stay hip to what's going on within today's society, particularly items having to do with race relations and the like, because these things tend to interest me. So it surprised me that I had not heard of Dyson prior to this moment. Perhaps I was just too busy dealing with my business. I began reading his book - it was a compilation of conversations with regard to race relations he'd had with political analysts and the like. Having received both his bachelors' and his Ph.D degree in religion from Princeton, Dyson managed to work his way up to discussing his views en masse in a variety of topics, the largest being his bifurcation of what he perceives to be a divide between the youthful hip hop culture, and the older soul culture, his "Afristocracy" and his "Ghettocracy". Other earlier books of his included "I May Not Get There With You: The True Martin Luther King, Jr." and "Between God and Gangsta Rap: Bearing Witness to Black Culture".

Huh.

As I read his book, I found myself teeter tottering between enthusiastic agreement and utter disbelief. A moderate, I often stand on middle ground, choosing to find the positive and reflective argument on both sides, and encourage compromise, something that Dyson, as a staunch liberal, does not do very often. I vividly remember thinking to myself as Bill Cosby ranted about the state of black America, "yes! you tell 'em, Bill!!!" So when I came across Dyson's book, "Is Bill Cosby Right? Or Have the Black Middle Class Lost Their Minds?" in the public library, I decided to try Dyson out again.

The more I read it, the more it upset me.

While Dyson points out a lot about the judicial system and how certain aspects of it are stacked against the minority in particular, he does nothing, in my opinion, to bridge the gap between Cosby's words and his own opinions therein, other than to quote Cosby as applicable to the chapter. I found myself often shaking my head - and not in a good way. Even though Dr. Cosby's past is dotted with a touch of scandal, for the most part, he has done nothing but give back heavily to impoverished communities such as the one he came from in Philadelphia, as well as paying for the college education of well over 500 youth over the course of the years.

The frustration from where Cosby speaks from, to me, comes from a place of hurt watching his community. Cosby notes, "Ladies and gentlemen, the lower economic and lower middle economic people are [not*] holding their end in this deal. In the neighborhood that most of us grew up in, parenting is not going on. In the old days, you couldn't hooky school because every drawn shade was an eye. And before your mother got off the bus and to the house, she knew exactly where you had gone, who had gone into the house, and where you got on whatever you had one and where you got it from. Parents don't know that today."

There are a few things with this. For starters, it is pretty evident that Dr. Cosby is speaking very, very generally. I know personally good parents who end up dealing with rough children when they come from married two family households, just like I know of many single parent households where the parent knows every last thing that is going on with their child, and they just don't play that. (I am one of those single parents.) So no, it doesn't apply to all parents.

Working in the system, however, I can honestly say that this stigma is very real, in existence, and sad. I speak to parents EVERY DAY that tell me that they don't know where their kid is, why they weren't in school, and flat out say that they don't know why I keep asking or calling. I know students that regularly miss their scheduled SATs and don't see the big deal in it. I admonish students ALL THE TIME for wearing their jeans so low that they might as well not be wearing them at all, for calling their teachers by their first name, for chilling on the corner smoking weed or for cutting their hair in the bathroom when they should be in class, the lazy ungrateful and it baffles me everyday.

I understand Bill Cosby's random tirade. I have one every day in my office. My coworkers laugh. But it is no laughing matter.

So no, Dr. Dyson, I do not agree with you. I do understand that many of our new generation comes with a certain set of baggage that we did not necessarily have in our heyday. I understand that there are obstacles. But our ancestors cleared many of the bigger obstacles. Yes, the system is stacked against us, but we are aware of that now. In our urban cities, we receive funds all the time to be educated against this sort of thing. We are now using our history as a crutch. We are! I read that book and I said to myself, "here goes one more lazy negro manual book making excuses for us". The valid points that you make in the book about the judicial system and the like are overshadowed by many of our unwillingness to, quite frankly, LEARN.

Someone called me an "uppity negro" elitist the other day. In years past, I thought this was an insult. But if being an elitist means that I find our current state unacceptable and inexcusable, then I wear that badge with pride.
I do have solutions for some of these things, but they will be in a different blog. This one's long enough.

What did you think of Dr. Cosby's assessment of our current society? If you are familiar with Dyson's work, what did you think of his assessment? What do you think we, as a growing society, can do to address the growing problem(s) in our community?

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Haiti's Hope for the Future - Please support!

This event is important to me and to others, but most of all to those that need it. Please support!

Haiti’s Hope for the Future

27% of the population of Haiti cannot afford basic essentials nor send their children to school. Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere with no government funded social service programs existing to address the needs of these people. Our mission is to raise $398,100.00 needed to build a school for the children of Haiti. With your support we can help achieve that goal.

On December 2, 2009, Hope for the Future and Ms. Phia Productions Presents will be holding a fundraiser at The Imperial NYC on 19th Street from 6:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m.

The evening’s activities will include music by New York’s DJ Legend, Live Jazz Band, passed hors d'oeuvres, an art exhibit by Smith Georges and a silent auction. With your $25 contribution at the door you will be entered into our raffle drawing for great prizes including multiple 19th Street Gym memberships, a personal training package and more.

Show the children of Haiti there is indeed Hope for the Future.

**If you are not able to attend but would like to make a donation you can stop by any CitiBank and ask to make a deposit in the account titled “Haiti’s Hope for Future”.

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Gaming Yo Peeps

You ever have a friend that you thought was down for you, down for your dreams, your aspirations, one who you thought you could share with and be honest with, who you thought wouldn't take your honesty and kindness for weakness? And then they 'game' you?

I know it's not just me. Lately, it's been the refrain of my besties and the like. People who seemingly have your back and then you find out that anything but is the case. What is it about the innate nature of people that cause them to 'game' you? Thoughts?

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The Buddy Curse

I think I might have 'buddy' stamped on my forehead. No, really, I'm serious.

If you're on my FB page, then you may (or not) have seen my status about my lovely just-turned-96 year old grandmother explaining to me that the reason that I don't have a man yet is because I don't know how to fold clothes. Before that, I was chatting with an ex of mine (though I don't know if he really qualifies as an ex, but more on that later) about relationships and people and why I was still single (well, he wanted to know.)

Let's expound.

We were talking about my business (I'm a caterer and personal chef, for those reading that don't know) and how I had reached a point of stagnation, the first of many points, I'm sure, and how I wasn't going to let it frustrate me, but that I needed an assistant, for various reasons. So he was asking me about that...and then we veered into the topic of relationships, or, rather, my lack of one.

Cue the Twilight Zone music. Just trust me on this one.

So he asked me why I was still single - you know, what with me being 'so cute and smart, really smart, and articulate, well versed, very talented, and now business savvy' (I'm not tooting my own horn, I'm telling you exactly what he said). I'm here looking at the phone like, "well, maybe I should be asking you why you decided you didn't want to be with me, if I have all these redeeming qualities..." So then he says, "it's not that I didn't want to be with you...I didn't want to be with anyone. I wasn't ready to give up my oneness to make it two. I wasn't ready for the level of honesty and trust that you put out there. It's almost as if you're TOO honest...not to mention that you would know if I was screwing something up because I can talk to you about anything and I've told you that, the minute that I didn't tell you something, you'd know I was lying..."

Damn. So maybe I said that last one out loud. Hmm.

A few months back, a homie of mine told me he couldn't marry me because I was 'too observant'. When I gave him the side eye, he explained that I should take it as a compliment. I gave him a double dose of side eye. I later on realized that he meant that he couldn't get over on me, that I paid attention to detail and so I would not be with the 'games'. I guess that is a compliment. I know that he, too, told me that he could tell me anything, and that it was one of the things that he enjoyed most about me.

Obviously I'm single. Still don't know why.

Well, that's not altogether true. I do know why I'm single. I am single in part because I choose to be. I know what I want and I know that I'm not exactly where I want to be, so I remain single. On the other hand, I know that I tend to veer towards guys that I know ultimately are emotionally 'unavailable' - that is, they are not interested in a relationship for various reasons. Some of this is accidental, some of this is an unusual defense mechanism, I'm sure, to avoid dealing with the emotional accoutrement that comes with being in a relationship. Some of this is, simply, the buddy curse.

What is the buddy curse, you might ask? The buddy curse is when the guy that you are interested in likes you, likes talking to you, being with you, hanging out and/or 'hooking up' with you, but isn't with you because you are 'too cool' or 'too real'. I know that guys enjoy the chase and the allure of being with a woman and that they also enjoy a little bit of elusiveness...but I thought that they also wanted someone that they could chill with just as easily as they could dress up and take out? Have I relegated myself to being a 'buddy' because of how I am?

Guys and girls, this is when I turn to you. What do YOU look for in a mate? Do people that are much more down to earth and relaxed end up remaining 'buddies'? Thoughts, please...

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The 'Truth' about Chivalry

The following excerpt is from my girl D's blog, "Life in the D Lane", the entry entitled "Puddles". I had to share this story - it might be one of the sweetest things I've ever read. It also, of course, got me to thinking...as most things tend to do.

"I took one look outside and saw that the sky was no longer crying, it was screaming, but that wasn’t the reason for my hesitation. I had never come home from school alone in the rain before. I hadn’t gone anywhere alone in the rain before. I always had Chris. He always carried me, put plastic bags on my feet or sometimes he would literally put his jack down so I could walk over a puddle. He had this thing about my feet never getting wet and never being dirty. He hated that I liked to walk around the house barefoot because of all the dirt that would touch my princess feet. It used to be annoying at first, I mean, I’m not better than anyone else, why can’t I walk in the rain or get my feet dirty? But then over time I got used to it, so used to it that until this very moment I never realized I had never been in the rain without him.
I had to face the rain alone. There was no Chris now.
I cuffed the heels of my jeans, thanked God I didn’t decide to wear a newer pair of Jordans, grabbed my umbrella and prepared to head out the door. I made it all the way to the curb and was waiting to cross the street. The sign turned to walk and I was just about to step off the curb and attempt a hop over a big puddle when my body was lifted off the ground. In a flash I was across the street, up the stairs, through the plaza and at the bottom of the Brooklyn Bridge train station.
I went through the turnstile and waited on the platform in silence. The train came; I found a seat and sat in silence for a few stops. Finally, I looked up and said
“You didn’t have to do that. Thank you.”
Christopher wiped the rain water from his face and said
“I promised you I’d never let your feet get dirty or wet. My dad says men should always keep their promises”
We rode the rest of the way home in silence."

Now. The first thing that I said when I read this was, "wow. chivalry isn't dead after all". Now granted, this happened 11 years ago, and yet, that was the first statement that came to mind. And it didn't matter that it happened 11 years ago, nor did it matter that the statement alone is not a statement that I would normally make. (I tend not to generalize.) So it stands to reason that I made it because I have never experienced anything of that nature before.

And why not?

Is there something in me, about me, that immediately screams, "she's got it, no need for chivalry here!" I know I'm a woman - attractive, poised, intelligent, yadda yadda yadda...yet nothing like that has ever happened to me...why is that? Am I too cool (read: like a buddy) for that? (I think that's another blog.) Then, as the thinker in me took a hold of the ramblings that were sure to come, I decided to go and look up chivalry and then go from there. Here's what I came up with...

Random House Dictionary, 2009, has three definitions for chivalry that are completely applicable to where I'm going with this:

1. the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
5. gallant warriors or gentlemen: fair ladies and noble chivalry.
6. Archaic. a chivalrous act; gallant deed.

Now. Archaic, in essence, is 'from the past'. Though I am generally against defining a word by using said word in the definition (how do I know what it means, then?), the following definition aids in defining it a little: a 'gallant deed'. In other words, a deed like the aforementioned. If you look at the 5th definition, it says: "gallant warriors or gentlemen: fair ladies and noble chivalry". What is a fair lady? Do we even USE that term anymore? Nope. We sure don't.

Looking at it a bit more, in essence, chivalry existed in medieval times, and was directly correlated with being knighted. In reading about it, it was noted that "Both (chivalric orders) sought the sanctification of their members through combat against "infidels" and protection of religious pilgrims...13th Century conventions of chivalry directed that men should honor, serve, and do nothing to displease ladies and maidens". More current standards of being a 'gentleman' go: "In the later Middle Ages, wealthy merchants strove to adopt chivalric attitudes - the sons of the bourgeoisie were educated at aristocratic courts where they were trained in the manners of the knightly class.[2] This was a democratization of chivalry, leading to a new genre called the courtesy book, which were guides to the behavior of "gentlemen". Thus, the post-medieval gentlemanly code of the value of a man's honor, respect for women, and a concern for those less fortunate, is directly derived from earlier ideals of chivalry and historical forces which created it."

There you have it.

Nowadays, chivalrous actions have somewhat metamorphosed into these grandiose notions that we, as women, associate with a 'good man'. Like, putting a jacket over a puddle for their lady, even when they're not your lady anymore. Or perhaps paying for a meal. The concept of holding a door open so that a lady may go first. Conversely, a man who does not do things like hold a door open for a woman, or come to the other side and open the car door for a woman, is considered a "bum a*& n^*^@" or some other colorful colloquialism. My homie said once on the topic, "Devil's Advocate: What's the benefit of being chivalrous? A lot of women dont respect themselves, and you want respect? Ha! Again I ask, what's the benefit?"

Hmm.

Many women are now independent creatures: paying their own bills, buying and maintaining their own house, having kids through artificial insemination, etc., etc. So then I ask: if we are doing all that on our own, things that during the time of chivalry would have been done and/or cared for by men folk, then why now, that we are doing it all out of a sense of being independent and 'not needing a man', then, why is it that we still desire that sort of 'manly' action? Adding to that, if we are walking around, giving it to whatever dude asks for it on the right day, wearing heaven knows what, not respecting themselves as a lady might, and yet demand a significantly higher level of respect in return, then why o why would we be worthy of chivalrous actions? Is chivalry dead?

It is. It really is.

HA! You were expecting me to say something else, weren't you?? Here's the thing: name me a knight living in Brooklyn, New York, RIGHT NOW, with a jousting tool and knight's suit in his apartment, who has a war to go fight before taking care of "melady", and I'll give you $20. NQANSA (No Questions Asked, No Strings Attached). The fact is, it doesn't EXIST! Chivalry and what it meant does not exist in present day, and that is because the structure under which it existed is no longer in place. Think about it. It is acceptable for a woman to have a Caesar and a man to have long, flowish hair. It is acceptable for a woman to make more than a man does, work jobs traditionally for men, and exhibit similar mannerisms to men, things that would all be in direct conflict with the original concept. (FYI - there is nothing wrong with any of the aforementioned things) So why would it exist?

Here's my Venus vs. Mars (cue Mr. Carter!) breakdown:

Mutual respect does exist, and I think that is what we, both sexes, should be practicing. I think it is the gentlemanly thing to open the door for their lady. I ALSO think if a gentleman opened his lady's door for her to get into the car, a TRUE independent lady would make sure that the door was open for their man when he made it to the other side! Ladies, real talk, we cannot expect a gentleman to be as such if we don't give sometimes, too. We opted to become more independent as women, so it's a give and take. I can't tell you how many women I've seen CHEWING, and I mean CHEWING, men a new one because he didn't pay the bill or offer to foot the expense on their latest shopping excursion. I don't know about you, but if I say I got it, I'm not expecting anyone to cover it for me. If they do, it's a bonus. We have to learn to live by our words, to say what we mean and mean EXACTLY what we say. I hear some of my girlfriends talk sometimes, and I'm like, "um...if you told him you didn't want anything for your birthday...and he subsequently doesn't get you anything for your birthday...why are you mad?" Enough with the subliminal messages: you get what you ask for. And yes...we can open the door for our men sometimes, or foot the meal sometimes, or give him the foot massage when he gets home. That's all part of being a TRUE independent woman.

Gentlemen: there are times that you could be more in tune with your lady or with ladies in general. Sometimes, a woman likes for a man to be the man, even when she may indicate otherwise. (I know. I know. It's confusing. I'm the first to admit I'm not sure why this is, but it is what it is.) An independent woman sometimes has become independent out of necessity: sometimes, she'd rather not HAVE to do it, even though she claims to 'have it'. Trust me...I know. I'm not saying you have to be a complete ass, but if your woman is always on point with everything, shoe game, clothing, mind and all (I mean her brain and her brain, if you know what I mean), then she deserves that extra special treatment. Not to mention that it's really sexy when a man is the right combination of confident/borderline arrogance and gentlemanly. Again, TRUST ME. I know men that have gotten away with damn near MURDER with that combination.

I really think it's just a respect thing: I'd like you to open the door for me because you respect me enough to do so, and because it's a nice thing to do. I'd like you to make sure that no random puddle gets me on my walk to the train because you respect me enough as a human being. Conversely, I can show you the same respect, because you deserve it as well. Therefore, I am banning the word 'chivalry' from my vocabulary and replacing it with a phrase: MUTUAL RESPECT.

Chew on all that for a spell and let me know what you think...

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Behind the Scenes of a Sleepy Rambler

I need sleep.

I always need sleep. If you were to ask my number one ride or die, she'd tell you that I don't sleep enough. At ALL. And I know this. It's probably part of the reason that my thoughts ramble so much...I know that my body needs at least 8 hours on a consistent basis to function at least at 80%.

And yet I don't sleep.

It's not by choice always, either. There are many nights that I am being SuperMommy, taking care of my daughter and then, after she goes to bed, cooking/cleaning/prepping for the next day, and, before you know it, it's like, 12:30 and I have to be up at 6 and out by 6:30. The other nights, I am being either O Ye Queen of the Urban Network, getting my face/name/brand out there for my business, Business Woman Executive Chef, who caters and personal chefs and looks at numbers on spreadsheets extra hard so that they will change and she can hire an assistant (lol), or Crusader Extraordinaire, banging out community service projects and making my community's voice heard in a single bound, or I'm the Perpetual Student, studying for the GMATs so I can get my MBA with a concentration in Hospitality Management.

Sigh. I got tired just writing that.

Somewhere in there is also spending time with my family, dance classes for both myself and my daughter, piano lessons and Girl Scouts for my daughter, and me time. Me time is the last thing on the list...and it shouldn't be, it should be the first, even before my daughter, because if I'm not taking care of me, how am I going to be able to take care of my daughter? This is the part that I struggle with, because I know that I don't get enough sleep on a regular basis, and I know that I have two doctor's visits coming up and I haven't quite reached my benchmarks for, and I know that my brain needs time to unwind and get right. In fact, writing this blog is probably the most me time I've had all week. (That and the 20 minutes I sneak to go on to Facebook. What can I say? I <3 FB.)

But anyway. Such is my life. I'm working on being better to me. Hell, maybe it will stop me from being such a betch to some and snapping on others. (Yeah right...but we'll see.)

Hasta, chicas and...err...chicos...(that's wrong, I'm sure.)

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The "In-Laws" and Family Take Over

My daughter told me this weekend that her aunt on her father's side gives her soda when she comes to visit. I don't allow her to drink soda. When my daughter tried to explain this to her aunt, her aunt's response was that she was not me and that she didn't have to obey my rules.

GRRR.

Why are people on the opposite end of the spectrum so disrespectful? I mean, what is it about "in-laws" (quotations because I'm not married) that make dealing with them so hard? If someone that I am caring for 'en loco parentis' tells me that their parent doesn't allow them to do certain things, whether I like them or agree with them or not, then I'm going to respect that. Apparently everyone does not follow the same rule.

Family, to me, has always been an interesting commodity. I say 'commodity' because sometimes, you can take them or leave them, you know? Ideally, these should be the people that have your back unconditionally, who should be the supportive backbone for you and who you are. And yet, often times, I hear so many people complain about the disjointed relationships that they have with their families, my friends in particular.

I love my family. I do. They do, however, have a tendency to jump into the fray where they are not needed, particularly when it comes to raising my daughter. I know that this is all in love most of the time...but really, though? Did I ask for your opinion on everything? DEFINITELY didn't. And please...let's not forget that as her mother, I get the last word. Sorry. (though I must say, I'm not genuinely sorry...it just seemed the most appropriate statement to end with)

Now. As for the "in-laws", it is an interesting dynamic that comes with single parenthood: oftentimes, the relationship that frays between the mother and father of the child causes the surrounding relationships to fray as well. If there is one thing that I pride myself on, it doesn't matter how annoyed, angry, frustrated, or disgusted I am with my daughter's father, I never ever give my daughter any indication that there is any issue with him. This, of course, only enrages me more when the reverse is not respected. Try as I might, though, I refuse to stoop to their level...which only leaves me as the bad guy more often than not.

What do you do in such a situation as this? How do you avoid the inevitable butting of heads between family/in-laws and the like?

Thoughts, please...

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Viva La Arrogant Pipe!!

One of the wonderful things about my good friends is that they are just as crazy and mad as I am. It is this quality that endears me to them, that makes me smile when I am not in the mood, that causes me to come close to spitting my gum/juice/sandwich across the room if I am reading what they are saying while imbibing any of those things. More often than not, my sides are aching from laughing so hard after dealing with them.

Yesterday, of course, was no exception.

We were talking about 'getting some', and our choice of partners. Now. In this day and age, women tend to have a much more liberal approach to these sorts of encounters. If you remember my post on the 12 noon relationship versus the 4 am relationship, you will remember that I point out that there is a difference between these two types of relationships, and that both are healthy - so long as you know what you're getting yourself into either way.

So yesterday, we joked about past and/or present 4 am relationships and how we as independent women handled ourselves and our...er...needs. My friend, fool that she is, came up with the phrase, "Viva La Arrogant Pipe!" She, of course, was teasing me about my choice of an arrogant...err...12/4 am relationship. (Yea, I don't know. Sue me.)

The moral of this, or, rather, the thing currently on my mind, is, how much do we tolerate when dealing with someone we are interested in? Does sex genuinely put 'rose colored glasses' on a person's flaws? Is it that in some cases, people on the outside looking in cannot see past that person's flaws? Moreover, does it even matter if it's just a 4 am relationship?

Thoughts and ramblings...think, discuss...

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On to the Next One and all great songs in between

Isn't it amazing how music speaks to your life? Like, you ever hear a song and you get so lost in the lyrics and the music because it just sounded like whoever the songwriter was literally sat with you in your room while you devoured that mocha chip ice cream and listened to your tears ramble? Or caught you when you were daydreaming at dance school about using the wall for support because he was...

Oh. Maybe that's just how I feel about a good song.

I love music and I love listening to music. Many a time, even now as I write this, I am jamming to Alison Hinds' station on Pandora, with interpolations of Machel Montano. Two hours ago, my favorite 'Ayicien' and 'Puertorriqueno' man was serenading me and reminding me of my bad habits. Sigh.

I love music.

I have been finding more solace in music lately as I go on this journey of mine to continue becoming stronger in who I am. It's not easy sometimes. Even as I listen to Mr. Hammond sing about his Queen, I wonder who besides my baby girl sees me that way - as a Queen. I know I see me as a Queen, so that's really all that matters...but I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes wonder I held any value to others.

Earlier, I threw on Mr. S. Dot and felt my inner Brooklyn as I considered 'getting violent' - I hate being disrespected and after being blatantly disregarded, my rage was barely contained...Mr. Carter made me feel better, I just angrily spit his lyrics to myself and tried to breathe.

I know someone else has been there before.

The other day, when I was listening to Symptoms Unknown, I wondered where this song was when I was trying to figure out where my relationship went. Right now, Machel is making me wanna get 'pon de road an wuk up', and leave my cares behind. Music is my comfort zone and my panacea when things are good and when they are bad. It helps me sort out many things, especially when I don't feel like talking.

What do you do when you have a lot on your mind?

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Is it time to walk away?

So this morning, I read something that my homie posted and I caught a jealousy attack for about, five seconds.

GASP.

I don't do jealousy. I am secure in myself and who I am. I am secure in my relations with my friends and whomever I may be seeing/dealing with at the present moment. I know my value in each of these individual relationships, and, if for some reason, I find myself questioning my value in the relationship, then it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

So then, why the moment? Why did my heart get a little tight and my eyes a little narrower? Can I blame it on PMS (Post Menstrual Syndrome - I never get it before, only after)? What should I make of this sudden surge of emotion?

It might be time to walk away.

I say this because for the first time, I actually caught myself questioning my value to said relationship, which is interesting because I never questioned it before. I currently have enough relationships with people that I do not need anymore - that is, my circle of friends is complete, and I have no intention of making that circle bigger, of allowing anyone else in...there are enough people in that circle to care about to begin with. So saying that, when I caught myself questioning my value, it was weird.

Sometimes, writing is cathartic because as I'm writing this, I am reasoning my reaction out in my head and I am realizing that I am, indeed, overreacting. (Funny enough, my horoscope said that I would today, too.) I think I haven't had enough sleep. Sozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

*wink* TTYL...

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Torn

Disclaimer: This piece is prose of poetic fiction. Any resemblances to current people is entirely coincidental.


What happens when you feel it in your gut so strong
Unexplainable desires and wanton lust for the mind
Bodily desires cast aside, you want to be one and the same
with his brain

His words blow your mind 65 times infinity plus 4

Always leave you wanting more
But you know this bad habit is more than a song
Everyone's told you it's wrong
This type of thing you've fell victim to for too long

So what does one do?

When the waking moment desire is only to open your eyes by his side
And cast away all insecurities to take over the world together
Your heart on his sleeve to be caressed yet your mind continues to be that rolling stone
let's not forget that this feeling is wrong

How do you stop being torn?

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Courtin' (an ode to R&B)

Disclaimer: This piece is prose of poetic fiction. Any resemblances to current people is entirely coincidental. *wink*


Courtin' (an ode to R&B)

We took A Long Walk and talked about past lives
Touched on Revelations 3:17 and Jay-Z all in the same breath
He had me open...palms forward, heart on sleeve, all that
And I wanted to be His Favorite Girl with no one Getting in the Way
I wanted No More Drama
And I was hoping that he was the key

See, I was already happy with me
But when he said I was So Beautiful
It brought me past my own self satisfaction
We sipped Crown Royal and ate greasy chicken bites
And all I wanted was Crown Royal on ice...right...
Fed me bits of his mind seasoned with curry and coconut milk
Had me swooning, wondering Would he Mind

Would You Mind?

Silently I wished he would open his heart to me as I had mine
Make love slowly to my body I now needed more than the air I breathed
Get me Lifted to a higher plateau so divine
And he fulfilled my needs
Yes, he fulfilled my needs
His Ego brushed my...ego and fed me strawberries dipped in wine
So divine
I...came close to him, gave his body a Slow Wine
Yeh, I know what island he's from, but dis ain't no Wukkin' Up time
Part 1 Sex(ed) Me Nice and Slow
Part 2 Trading Places...yet still we kept the flow
Had me singing Bad Habits knowing this was a Bad Habit
And the whole thing was off key
But I didn't mind...I was having fun, you see

And I still am
Even when things start to get Cold
And the conversation dies, all Symptoms Unknown
I know that the fire burns again as long as we go Slow
And as long as we avoid that Four Letter Word
We can continue to be...Halfcrazy

But only on the Down Low...shhh...

11:30 pm 10.4.09 KP

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Priorities versus Options - Which one are you?

I am my own top priority.

There are also a few people in my life who I consider a priority..my daughter is a given, followed by my family and my close friends. These people show up in my phone as "ICE" - "In Case of Emergency". They are the people that, God forbid something happens to me, I would like contacted because they would know what needs to be done.

Some of those ICE's were deleted today.

And it's nothing personal. It is, rather simply, that they are no longer priorities in my life - primarily because they have neglected to make me a priority in their own life. It could be that we have fallen off or our season has ended. It could be that they are in the process of reinventing themselves and I am a reminder of what they either once were or currently are but are hiding from being instead of correcting the problem. It could also very simply be that I am an option to them and not a priority.

I say this all the time: when I care, I care completely. This means that I remember what you say for the most part because what you say matters and is important to me. It means that if I know what you do, I keep my eyes open and my ears to the ground so that when opportunities arise, I can let you know. It means that you are welcome in my home and my heart. There is a very realistic possibility that you know things about me that others would be surprised to know. You have more than likely seen me at my most vulnerable...which is a feat because I don't do vulnerable.

Conversely...when I stop caring, I stop caring completely. It's almost as if you don't exist to me. There are people in my life that two years ago were in the aforementioned category that now don't even exist to me. Believe me, I'm like a faucet - I turn off and on. There was a time when people could take advantage of me because I am a REALLY nice person, despite all my ramblings and rants. That time is no longer. My ride or die bestie told me a few months back that the bitch in me is becoming a lot more evident. I laughed. But she could be right - it's time for me to become more selfish. Earlier today, I needed to talk to someone about a hard decision to make. EVERYONE was unavailable. And, granted, if I truly needed to talk to someone, and I called once or twice, I'd have been able to talk to someone. But I guess I operate differently - I'm always available...so maybe I need to not be so available to everyone.

Just ramblings...

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Dance Fever vs. My Aging Reality

As I write this, I am contemplating filling up the bathtub with warm water and Epsom salts to soak in. And it is the NEXT. DAY.

Next day of what, you might ask? Yesterday, I went to dance class for the first time in over six years. When I was growing up, I was a dance fiend. Everywhere I went, all I did was dance. I danced for about 12 years, from elementary school to the end of high school when my dance school closed, and then 2 years in college. I then taught for two years and eight months, up until two weeks before I was due with my daughter, (no worries, it was safe) so close to 17 years in total.

My daughter is six now. I have not danced since then. I took two classes around when my daughter was 4, over at Broadway Dance Center in the city. It was advanced jazz, and I have to say, I completely held my own. And then, for some reason, I fell off. I don't know why, I just did. So when I decided to enroll my daughter in dance school, I noticed on their schedule that they had dance classes for adults as well. I thought about it...but it wasn't until I saw the recital DVD with the adults doing their contemporary piece that I went to the dance receptionist and said, "so about those adult dance classes..."

Yesterday was my first class. My daughter's classes were earlier in the morning and my class wasn't until later on that afternoon, so her and I killed time by going to the library and getting something to eat. When I went to get dressed for class, I immediately felt welcome and self conscious at the same time: welcome because the other students in the class with me were so openly welcoming and glad that I was there, and self conscious because I was completely out of shape. Sigh.

I saw what the teen contemporary class was doing, and when I looked at the teacher, I realized that I knew her! We had gone to dance school together back in the day...though she was older than me. She was my idol back then, too. That girl could DANCE. So I was glad I had decided to come...and then suddenly, it hit me. I knew what I was in for. She was about to go in. As if to confirm my thoughts, when I came in, she excused herself from the person she was talking to, gave me a big hug, and then said, "Welcome back. Good luck..."

As class started, I felt pretty confident about my ability to keep up with the class in spite of my years not having danced. And for the most part, I did. The thing that got to me so much was that I was used to just watching the move once and then immediately getting it and executing it right the first time. I have a slightly competitive nature and I don't like feeling like I don't know what I'm doing. Once or twice I was ashamed of my across the floor performance. (Across the floor, for my non dancers, is where the teacher shows you specific moves that must be executed across the floor.) There were times that I knew that the move that I was doing was not in the right sequence, or executed, just poorly. My body felt every move, every leap, every jump.

I have never had an issue with how I look - that is, I know that I am a big girl, always have been. Currently, I am bigger than I've ever been, and I still look good...but yesterday was the first day that I genuinely wished I was a size 9 again. I missed that dancer's body I had in high school yesterday. Sure, I never forgot the technique (if you were trained right, you never forgot) and no, I didn't do badly at all for my first time back, but I felt completely out of place and just...wrong.

But I'm going back next week. It's time to bring that body back...and it's time to get my dancer mojo back. I missed it. And I didn't know how much I missed it until I started leaping and jumping again. This time next year, I'm going to be a lean, mean, dancing chef machine.

Lemme just soak in some Epsom salts first, though...*groans*

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Go and Get De Switch From De Back...

If you've ever grown up in a West Indian household, you know that either your mother, your father, or one of the many elders that you grew up with at some point was bound to be the one to beat you when you got out of line. Now, granted, when I say beat, I don't mean abuse (though I will readily admit, in some folks cases, it was rather borderline), but I mean the phrase that every kid growing up in the islands or anywhere with nice foliage dreaded..."go 'long in de back and get de switch..." In America and in more recent times, it was amended to, "go and get de belt..."

Those of us who grew up in this fashion, with a certain level of discipline and respect for people, tend to agree that this level of discipline is severely lacking in modern day society. And, of course, I am not saying that this is limited to Caribbean culture...but most would argue that growing up in a traditional, old school Caribbean household somehow instilled you with the values and discipline you needed to be a productive adult. Or perhaps that's just good parenting.

Some people argue that spanking is ineffectual. I, of course, completely disagree. Spare the rod and spoil the child and all that. It is with all that said that I wished I had a switch this morning. I'm on the bus again this morning, minding my own business, reminiscing and what have you, when this older African woman and two boys get on the bus. One boy manages to find a seat, the other is left to stand. I started to get up to let him sit, but I changed my mind when I saw him snatch his hat back from the woman and then subsequently smack her with it when she tried to take it back. Oh no. You can stand, buddy.

As do the things that I see on a daily basis tend to do, of course it got better and better. This kid...I couldn't even believe it. He said whatever he felt like saying to who I realized later was his grandmother. This kid cursed her out, his little brother out, his mother out when his grandmother called her to get him to calm down, and then, when this woman on the bus called him out for it because this kid's antics were insane and had the entire front of the bus captivated, he cursed HER out, too.

I was floored.

Only on TV have I seen such blatantly disrespectful behavior directed toward an elder, and as I said before, the whole front of the bus was captivated to the point of not being able to speak. All I wanted to do was pick up my hand and back hand him...or go get de switch. Where was the discipline in his life? How, at 10, did he manage to get so unruly and blatantly disgusting? Clearly time out was not the answer for this child. He didn't care what anyone had to say to him.

What do you all think about disciplining children, particularly the ones that completely gone over the deep end?

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Did I Miss Something?

The ongoing running joke with my friends and I is that the WEIRDEST, most UNUSUAL things happen to me. Lately, I've been trying to attribute it to the fact that 30 is staring me in the face. My best friend has told me flat out that this is not the case, that I, very simply, attract madness for whatever reason.

Now. I've talked before about the incident with a rodent that will remain nameless. And who could forget seeing Spiderman on 5th Avenue. The things I see and that happen to me sometimes are priceless. Today was no exception.

To start, I wake up every morning religiously hitting the snooze button at least 3 times before I panic about being unemployed in this blasted disaster excuse for an economy and fly out of the bed and directly towards the shower, waking my child in the process to ensure that she is ready. I then time what bus I MUST be on to be considered either early or on time once I get on and onto the subway. Today, I was slightly behind schedule, so I hopped onto a different bus and texted my boss to let her know I was running behind schedule.

So now. I'm sitting quietly on the bus, listening to Jay-Z's Blueprint 3, and the bus begins to get a bit crowded. This 6'4 guy gets on the bus and stands to hold on by me. I pay him no mind. As the bus gets crowded, he starts to shift forward...and all I'm feeling on my shoulders are his family jewels. I'm not kidding. Over and over again. And just when I thought that it could've possibly been accidental because of the crowding on the bus, I looked up and dude WINKED at me. Yes, y'all, I said he WINKED at me. So, of course, I draft an email to my friends about this foolishness. They laugh hysterically. Little did I know that my adventure for the day was not done yet...

Later on, I'm at Penn Station, trying to get my ticket so that I can go home after a long day. I'm at the LIRR machine, getting my railroad ticket home when this guy comes up and whispers something in my ear. So I say, "I'm sorry?" He looks like he might need a dollar or two, not homeless, just broke...so he says it again and I thought he said he needed a couple of dollars! So as I'm preparing to tell him sorry, he says a little louder..."just a couple of hours is all I need with you...I swear I'll turn you out...what's your name?"

...:blank stare:...Are you kidding me...

And it gets better!! An older guy was by the train door where I was sitting, just relaxing and drinking his beer. This younger girl runs up to him from the car after ours and sticks her tongue down his throat! Now they're making out and I'm gagging a little...I don't do PDAs (public displays of affection). But then, soon after this joyous reunion, she bursts into tears! So now he's comforting her...and the lady across from me and I are just sitting there, a bit baffled by it all. As we're preparing to get off at our stop, the girl rushes back to the next car where she came from! The lady sitting across from me(my new LIRR buddy) are completely lost. Suddenly, the gentleman's phone rings and he says, "hey son, what track?" His son answers him...the lady and I turn...the girl that all this stuff is going on with is his son's girlfriend.

So now I ask - is it me? Did I miss something? What is it about me that attracts and witnesses such madness!

P.S. My friend D, of course, couldn't resist posting a blog about my misfortunes on her own blog. You can read her commentary on my misfortunes (still not funny) on her blog, Life in the D Lane.

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Being a "Quitter"

I got this from my cousin - she has a friend who is a motivational speaker. These are some of her words of wisdom.


"it's ok to Quit....."

Motivational Speaker - Veraunda Jackson


1. Quit arguing with people about the same old foolishness! Respect their position and keep it moving!

2. Quit telling people your secrets when you know they are not going to keep them! And if you keep telling them, then quit getting mad when they tell your secrets!

3. Quit trying to pull people on your journey who don't want to travel with you. Either they believe in you and value you...or they don't!

4. Quit complaining about things you can't and won't change!

5. Quit gossiping about other people! Minding our own business should be a full time job!

6. Quit blaming each other for things that in the big picture aren't going to matter three weeks from now! Talk solutions...and then implement them!

7. Quit eating things you know are not good for you! If you can't quit...eat smaller portions!

8. Quit buying things when we know we can't afford them! If you don't have self control, then quit going to the stores! Quit charging things, especially when you don't NEED them!

9. Quit staying in unhealthy relationships! It is not okay for people to verbally or physically abuse you! So quit lying to yourself! It is not okay to stay in the marriage for the children! Ask them and they will tell you that they really would prefer to see you happy and that the misery you and your spouse/partner are living with is affecting them!

10. Quit letting family members rope you into the drama! -Start telling them you don't want to hear it! Quit spreading the drama! Quit calling other relatives and telling them about your cousin or aunt! Go back to #5 minding your own business should be enough to keep you busy!

11. Quit trying to change people! IT DOESN'T WORK! Quit cussing people out when you know that they are just being the miserable and jealous people that they are!

12. Quit the job you hate! Start pursuing your passion. Find the job that fuels your passion BEFORE you quit!

13. Quit volunteering for things that you aren't getting any personal fulfillment from anymore! Quit volunteering for things and then failing to follow through with your commitment!

14. Quit listening to the naysayers! Quit watching the depressing news if you are going to live in the doom and gloom of it all!

15. Quit making excuses about why you are where you are or why you can't do what you want to do!

16. Quit waiting on others to give you the answers...and start finding the answers for yourself! If what you are doing isn't working for you...then quit it!

17. Quit settling and start making your dreams a reality!- Quit being afraid and START LIVING YOUR LIFE! CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT! If you want something different than what you have had in the past....you must quit doing what you have done before and DO something different! JUST QUIT IT ...... and START DOING something to create the experience you want!

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When It's Ok to Be an Asshole...

So. I got myself caught up watching TV today. Yes, I watched the VMA's, solely for the Michael Jackson tribute. Job well done on that, MTV. (BET, take notes...lol) Of course, by now, I am sure that you have heard about the Kanye West/Taylor Swift debacle. It happened as I was preparing to turn off the TV (the tribute was over! Whaat?!). So when I saw the whole thing unfold before my eyes, my first thought was, "Nooooooooooooooooo...Kanye, what are you DOING??!??!?!?! You're being more of an asshole than usual!!!!"

Now of course, when you think of asshole, you think of a person who is unscrupulous, callous, out the box with it, arrogant, etc., etc. There's no definition as to what an asshole truly is...or is there? Though the American Heritage Dictionary does not definite 'asshole', it does define 'ass' as "A vain, silly, or stupid person". So now. We know that Kanye's a bit vain and can be a bit silly. He's not exactly stupid, though he apparently is wont to do certain stupid things. But is there anything wrong with being those things? It depends on who you are, I suppose.

And you don't have to agree with me, but here's my spin on it. Take the Real Housewives of Atlanta, for example...or Martin's character on "Martin"...or Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth (remember her?)...or any of the antagonists on any of these 'reality' TV shows...why do we like them? Because they're ASSHOLES...and assholes are entertaining to watch and/or listen to!! Don't front...everyone knows at least one asshole that you just can't help but listen to ramble and or talk bad bout or laugh at. And if you claim you don't know any, chances are, YOU'RE the asshole! LOL...

But seriously (even though I was serious before, lol)...usually, if you speak your mind and you're coarse and/or crass about it, you're labeled an asshole. And there really is nothing wrong with speaking your mind...I do it all the time, and I'm not one to sugarcoat either...in fact, I've been called an ass a time or two myself. However. I am a firm believer in not blatantly disrespecting someone else's personal space. And, of course, there is also a time and a place for these types of mannerisms and behavior. And herein is where the distinction lies: if expressing your opinion, if being an 'ass' hereby causes you to become or be in a person's personal space, ie: taking the mike from someone in midsentence and blurting out your opinion, then dammit, you've crossed the line. LOL. And no, the Kanye incident was not nearly important enough for me to be honing in on it...it just so happens that it is currently the best demonstration of when assholeness goes too far that everyone would be able to reference and understand. So with that said...

Be an ass. Rock out with it. Sometimes, the blatantness of what you are saying is necessary JUST the way you thought it, jacked up and all. Do NOT in your assholeness invade someone else's personal space. That's too much. Trust me, if you catch the wrong one, you're going to have bigger issues than trying to express your opinion. There could be a fight and words and the cops and...it just gets ugly. Trust me. Next thing: if you don't know when and where assholeness is appropriate, then just steer clear of it. Some people have made being an asshole a craft that they know how to properly curtail it when necessary. If this is not you, then just don't. Oh!! And one more thing: everyone's not going to like what you have to say. In fact, I can promise you, most won't. If this bothers you, STOP TRYING TO BE AN ASSHOLE. You're not. Just be nice. You'll get what you want better being yourself. My asses (lol), if you have something worth saying...and you want people to hear you out...my advice is to know your audience and hit 'em in a way where they get it. Otherwise, I promise, you'll just be throwing words into the air.

Everybody got it?? Good. Now, enough about Kanye, there's more important stuff going on...=o)

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Your Help Is No Longer Needed...Thanks!

Ok. I love when I hear the following: "After all I'm doing to help you, the least you could do is..."

Stop. Just stop.

Why do I have to feel entitled to do you a favor or comply with something you asked for if you offered me assistance? And yes, this is going to sound utterly selfish, but here's the thing...I NEVER ASKED FOR HELP. Part of the reason that I do not ask for help is that I do not want to then later on feel entitled to do something in return that I am not sure I will be able to do. Another reason is that I hate when people offer their assistance and then try and make you feel bad if you don't do something their way. That's not the way help should work. That's not the kind of help I want.

If you offer me help, I want you to offer me help because you want to help me, not because you are trying to keep tabs on me...or have something to hold over my head. Neither one of these things is going to endear you to me nor make me want to help you in the future. When I help others, I help, not ever expecting anything in return. And if this is not the type of assistance you can provide me with, then don't "offer" your help. It's that simple.

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Ignorance and the Fear of Knowledge

Ignorance is a POWERFUL drug that when people take it, is more powerful than any crack cocaine.

Ignorance is a powerful narcotic that seeps into the veins of even the most educated.

Ignorance, when used correctly, is addictive and hazardous.

And the dangers of ignorance, much like cocaine or heroin or cigarettes, is well known. Growing up, we saw the catch phrases on the after school specials and non profit commercials: "Reading is fundamental"...."A mind is a terrible thing to waste"....you get my drift. So why are people so comfortable, so complacent with being ignorant? By living in said ignorance?

Take, for example, the current situation with universal health care. Now. I personally have not come to a conclusion regarding whether it's a good idea or not. But many people have...most without actually hearing all of the facts therein. I hear the word 'socialism' being thrown around a lot. Is there a possibility that the policy is rooted in socialistic ideals? Possibly. And let's be clear: I'm not saying EITHER OR. When it comes to politics on this level, I stay mum. But moving on...Do a lot of people not KNOW what socialism actually is? Absolutely. I encourage those people to pick up a book and read it before you use the term. And then, if you still feel the same way, be prepared to have a reason why.

That's another thing that perpetuates ignorance on a more base level: the lack of ability to express an opinion without any type of factual base. Opinions are based on one's knowledge...before you can pass them off as facts, you need to know...the facts! See how that works? And I'm not trying to be an ass here...it just does get me vex when people pass off their opinions as facts but they're not based on any factual information. These people are choosing to remain ignorant.

They say that ignorance is bliss. I say ignorance is sad. The lack of desire to seek the knowledge necessary to formulate certain thoughts and beliefs is still a bit mind boggling. We should stop fearing knowledge.

Any thoughts on ignorance?

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Monogamy and OPP

I'm sure everyone knows and remembers Naughty by Nature's song, "OPP". Those of you who hit up Grae events (www.graegram.com, www.graeenterprises.com - shameless plug, lol)have probably heard it at least once recently and bopped out HARD to it (who's down with OPP? EVERYbody!!) But think about this for a second. Most of us aren't down with Other People's Property...or are we?

The interesting thing that I've noticed about relationships in this day and age is the lack of their true existence - or, rather, people's hesitance to get into them for one reason or the other. I won't go into some of the reasons - I've touched on many of them in previous blogs - but I was reading an FB post that a friend of mine wrote regarding monogamy today and it got me to thinking about how realistic (or unrealistic) it may be.

Are we meant to be monogamous? It's an interesting concept. Monogamy is originally defined by Merriam Webster as " archaic : the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime"...and then amended to add a third definition "the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time". Now. I am sure that the original definition of monogamy very rarely exists, what with the divorce and remarriage rate in this country. As for the second definition, this is the more common reference of what people think of when they think of monogamy.

The remarkable thing about my take on this is that I believe in it and yet I don't. It's not in my nature to be with more than one person at the same time. I physically can't do it. I don't really knock anyone that does - I believe in karma so I don't need to knock it, karma'll talk care of whatever it needs to take care of. At the same time, I don't know if I'm meant to be with one person for the rest of my life. I'm so easily bored...I don't know. I always worry that I will become bored with whoever I'm with eventually and ruin the relationship. But enough about that, that's so not an issue right now...

As for OPP, when are you considered someone else's? I mean, the obvious answer to this is when there's a commitment...but is it really still so cut and dry, with all these different nuances to relationships? Like, for example, in an open relationship, how do you determine when one is violating the mutual terms of the relationship? If you're a swinger, do you actually have the right to be mad if the other party hooks up with someone else, even though you established how the relationship was going to work? When is it actually cheating?

My ramblings for today...

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The Punk Club

Some friends of mine and I were having a drink or two and "talkin' a likkle shite" and, of course, when you have two or more girls in the room, and alcohol is involved, the conversation inevitably turns to men and either a. what man of the day is pissing said girl(s) off, b. how men ain't 'shit', or c. who are we crushing on? Now, I am a firm believer in not generalizing: I am not one of those women who run around saying men ain't shit, because they're not, no one woman has met every man, and, if the men you keep encountering ain't shit on a consistent basis, then, well, it's time to examine yourself. You are the common denominator here - not them. With that said, we wound up talking about who we liked vs. who we didn't.

Now. I have a felt covered box here that I will use as my platform to stand on and testify: "I am a proud, card carrying member of The Punk Club, and I am about to upgrade my status to platinum". There. What is a punk, you may ask? Well, let's go back to my girlfriends' conversation. I recently told someone I am digging that I was, well, digging them. It came up after an interesting IM conversation that we were having, and, after much prodding, my hands were possessed by some other worldly creature, and the next thing I knew, I was telling (read: typing to) them I dug them. Their reaction was what I was expecting and a large portion of the reason I was hesitant at saying anything in the first place, but it was all good, it was out there, and I was free to re-stick my head back in the sand like the good ostrich I was. So as I was relaying this information to my homegirls, they chimed in with their recent de-punking experiences, all drastically different and yet the same. Only one abstained - she is already married. (One of these things is not like the other...one of these things just doesn't belong...lol)

In our musings, I realized something: being a punk is fun and nerve wracking all at the same time. In being a punk, you can have a good time without ever actually having to consider feelings or consequences. Seemingly, no one's feelings are truly invested, no one gets hurt, everyone gets what they want...right? Then there's the nerve wracking portion of things: the part where your stomach turns into one large Boy Scout knot because you have, indeed, caught a little bit of feelings (not love or anything drastic, just a little bit) and now you are forced to figure out how long can you go on feeling the way you might feel and not say anything.

You see, in 'homielovafriend' relationships, rest assured that SOMEONE always has feelings. Say what you will, deny it if you must to get through your day, but one person in the party has feelings, and either they'll say it or they won't, but they're there. For me, as a person who has had one or three 'homielovafriend' things (no relationships here, still trying to figure out me), I can say that when I was the one with the feelings, saying how I felt never bode well for me, regardless of my reasons for saying what I was thinking. A part of the reason for this is that usually, these types of relationships are built on fear: fear of the unknown, fear of liking someone and what that might entail, and/or fear of falling in the 'L' word. With that, very rarely do you find someone who steps outside their fearful comfort zone to find someone on the other side, outside their comfort zone as well. As a result, one party is left to either walk away - or play their position and see what happens.

For my friends, I'm not sure what the story holds for them. For me, however, I am returning to the sand, where it's comfortable and safe. I will say that the sand is getting a little annoying...so maybe I won't be there for much longer. Who knows. Perhaps I will soon be able to hand over my club membership to someone else who needs it, as I am working on getting rid of my fears. But for now, sand city it is.

Who else is with me?

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Behind Closed Doors

WARNING: THIS BLOG IS NOT FOR THE PERSON WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH TALKING ABOUT SEX...

What's the freakiest thing you've ever done? Like, the stuff that you wouldn't even dare whisper around your mother for fear she would look at you and tell you "go 'long and get de belt"? Come close and whisper it inna meh good ear...

No? You're not going to tell me? GOOD. I don't wanna know.

And neither should everyone else. The thing is, your sexual experiences should be a private encounter. Granted, every girl has a girlfriend or two that they mention a freaky thing or two to..."Gyrl...I didn't even know they had tongue game like that..." or my dudes who talk to their friends..."Shorty went to college on the kid...an excellent brain like that deserves a scholarship..." I mean, we've heard it all before. And yes, sometimes (myself included) we drop it down low in the club and leave the next person wondering if they'll drop it 'like that' on them in the bedroom. But if you're like me...I don't leave the club with anyone. EVER. It's just a dance to me...a fact that I make very clear.

Sex is not a private manner nor should it be confused with intimacy, an act and word that typically become interchangeable when people talk about them. If they call you at 2 and pick you up at 3 and you are on your way home at 4, then you are having sex (and probably a 4 am'er) and you might be interested in telling your homie about it. If any of the aforementioned happens and there is kissing and conversation involved...you might want to reconsider mentioning it. Again, the lines can become blurry sometimes, but there is a definitive difference between sex and intimacy. Intimacy should be a private act between two consenting individuals. I really do believe that. With intimacy, you tend to share more of yourself - and that SHOULD be private. I know that Sommore joked about "being able to spot that n*gga at the Million Man March"...but honestly, I don't want to meet your man or woman and question whether or not it's safe to kiss them on the forehead that particular day. Let me have my fantasy...

Moving on from that, two people who are intimate CAN and do have sex from time to time. But even in that, there is intimacy: when you branch out and try new things, there is a certain level of trust implied within that willingness to try something new. That in and of itself is intimate. It is something that I myself hope to experience. Experimenting with your partner is quite a bit of the fun and a testament to how much they actually trust you. But more on that in another blog...

The point to today's ramblings is to keep your private affairs behind closed doors. Next thing you know, they wind up in somebody's status and I wind up either laughing at it or SMH...

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Locs and the Ever Eluding Patience

I am currently approaching my first month of having 'locs'. On Thursday, I will get my hair washed (Oh thank GOD) and re-twisted. In this month, I have gone through quite a bit of self discovery and self examination. My loctician explained to me that the first six months of having locs is an exercise in patience: my locs will become frizzy and look slightly unkempt before eventually smoothing out. I looked at my hair today...frizz galore. Clearly I've skipped three months. And I've kept them tied when I wasn't running around. So I dunno. Sigh.

I myself am an interesting exercise in patience. There are certain things and certain people that I have no patience for: the excuses, the fibs/lies, the stupidity. And yet, if you find your way into my heart and/or mind, I have infinite patience for you/the things. It's interesting, because for me, trust/love is earned and it is extreme: I either love you on sight or I can simply tolerate you, and rarely do you ever move past that point. Same goes for trust. If I trust you, I trust you with everything and that is difficult to reverse. If I don't trust you, I never will. If you ever make it from trust to non trust, it is irreversible.

So when I got my locs (to tie the two things in together), I knew that patience with the state of my hair was key. Part of my reason for starting them at this stage in my life is that I knew that it would be an exercise in my level of patience. So then, why am I having such a difficult time with being patient in the other aspects of my life? Take love/relationships, for example. In the changes that I have been making in my life, a part of me wonders if this 'prince' (for lack of a better term) will show themselves to me, or, if they already have, why they are being such a 'bitch ass' (again, for lack of a better term). Now, I work on me for me, not so that I can get what I want...it was just a curious thing that came to mind that I wondered about. (A large portion of this thought process could be perpetuated by the insanity of my family and family friends...but that's another blog.)

Same thing for my business. Why is it taking so long for it to pick up the way that I would like it to? Granted, again, I know that these things take time. I know it's a recession, and I know that there are a lot of contributing factors to why my business is where it currently is. But yet I find myself being utterly impatient when leads don't come in, or when potential clients, in essence, flake. I know, I know, it's all part of the business. But still. Sigh.

It is my hope that watching my locs grow and cultivating them will also allow me to become, overall, a more patient person. Until then...


GRRRR...LOL...

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Trust, Vulnerability, and the Purple Headed Monster

Picture this: your throat gets dry, your heart starts racing, your urge for some pholourie and buss up shot (or maybe BBQ chicken) is just GONE...butterflies in your stomach is the understatement of the year. What the hell is this? This is bull-sheet!

Nah, it's just being vulnerable. If you're like me, the very thought of opening yourself up and showing someone else the softer side of you (or maybe just showing someone you, not even the softer side necessarily) causes your very being to freeze in place. With allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to allow emotions in, it can come with some mixed feelings. This is the part where I get to telling you the best way to handle it, right? Haaaa...have you learned NOTHING from previous posts? LOL.

The truth is that I don't know how to. I'm an admitted punk. In fact, there is a great chance that if I were to fall in love, I'd run for the proverbial hills. I'm actually not a big risk taker at all. I like sure things. I also have issues with trust, mainly being that I don't. Rather, if I trust you, I trust you with everything. The whole shebang. And I can usually tell pretty early on. If I have to question whether I can trust you in the beginning, I'll never trust you. You can add my name to the millions of people that feel this way, though, because I am not the only one.

So, what do people like me do? They PANIC. They write frantically and hyperventilate quietly. And then they either eventually man up and do what they have to do to get what they want...or they avoid the whole situation and wait until the purple headed monster makes his sudden appearance. Either way...trust and being vulnerable are playing double dutch right now...

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Keeping it Real When None of the Above Apply

So interestingly enough, I got a lot of positive feedback on this early morning blog, both on here and on Facebook. One of the questions I've gotten (which is a question I pose myself) is: what if none of the usual stigmas apply? Then what?

Hmmm. What if you've managed to get yourself into an undefinable, un "timed - not 12 pm or 4 am" relationship? In other words, what if you're just not sure? I've been there before...and while I can't say that I've done or are doing the right thing, I can say what might be your best bet:

1. Look at the clues that your...ahem...partner is giving you. If you only hear from them when it's time to...um..."talk"...then it's probably a 4 am relationship and they're just not aware of the designated time to call for this. LOL.

2. Say you primarily hear from them when it's time to "talk", but then you all actually converse and the conversation is intense...then it might be time to ask him what time should you hear from them next, if you get my drift. No? Find out where you stand. Are they looking for more than just "talk"? Establish that, and then, once you've done that, refer back to the 1st Keeping it Real. If they look at you like, "I thought you knew the deal", then you just weren't paying attention. LOL.

3. If the person is sending mixed signals, as often times is the reason that we find ourselves scratching our heads, trying to figure out the deal, then it's still time to ask. When you ask, however, please know a. what you're asking, and b. who you're asking. If you don't really know the person, then you really shouldn't be asking any questions in the first place...that is, clearly this is a '4 am' er and you are reading more into it than necessary. If you do know the person, or you're really just unsure, ask. Some people will say to 'play your position', but if you don't know what your position is, that's difficult to do, not to mention that sometimes, hard questions just need to be asked, point blank. Sometimes, the way that the person answers the question speaks volumes.

If none of these things apply, it's time for you to examine your own self first before jumping into any of these relationship types. Sometimes, the confusion is solved by self-examination...

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Keeping it Real? Uh, no...

You don't want the real.

Seriously, no one REALLY wants the real.

We run around, putting up these blogs and catchy one liners "I'm looking for a real (fill in the blanks)"

But, let's put it all out there and keep it 'real' for once. What dude wants to meet a chick with the goggle eye glasses and the dry ass eczema or psoriasis patch on the 1st date? Wouldn't you rather go out with the shorty with the expertly applied M.A.C. face, designed to 'look' natural?


Don't front, you know it's true...


And ladies, come on now. We all say, "he's gotta be motivated. About something. Stable. It's what upstairs that counts". But if a dude told you from the door that he was starting his own business so he wouldn't have to work for anyone (read: broke and, chances are, doing civil and/or no work) would you REALLY want to stick around? Do we REALLY go to the singles networking parties looking for the BeetleJuice looking bruh with a BRAIN? Yeah, not so much.


Some of you might be like, "yeah, I'm not that shallow or superficial". Yeah, we are. Me included. Everyone earns the right to their own opinions and preferences, but we have all, at one point or another, been admittedly (or unadmittedly) shallow. We'd rather meet someone with minimal flaws at the door, but get pissed off if someone points out own own flaws, or are not accepting of them. What's 'real' about that?


Chris Rock said it best. (paraphrase) "you are meeting their representative" on the first date (and the next few). Neither side wants to or is prepared to meet pre-Proactiv, holey yet comfortable, wedgie picking, 'I have gas all the got damn time' person until much, MUCH later in the game. And yes, of course, all of these things are exaggerated somewhat. (Or maybe not). The point is, I get a kick out of seeing 'keep it real' blasted all over everything.

When I first met someone once, I came out in, no lie, pajamas, a head tie, and work Crocs. I KNOW I looked like I just rolled out of bed. And granted, this is because I had, but I'm saying. I was curious if my appearance mattered. So far I don't think it's had any adverse affect, but the truth is, it's rather hard to tell with this one. I think that's also part of the fun - the figuring out what that person thinks of you and whether they like you for you or if they're really just digging your 'representative'. It's also a good way to tell if you're the 4 am phone call or the 12 noon call, if you know what I mean. If you don't, you shouldn't even be reading this. LOL. Moving on...

Here are some tips of the trade that I have weaned from previous relationships and '4 am'ers. Please note...this is NOT a self-help book...I do psychology but I am NOT a psychologist, so please. Take this list as the light hearted tidbits of info that it is and NOT as gospel...thanks...

Keeping it "real" with your significant other (aka how to tell when this stops being a 4 am relationship)

1. Don't lay it all out there on the first date. No, seriously. Don't. If he knows what your plans are at 25, 28, 34, and 41, then what is there to talk about on the second date? World peace? Take it easy and pace the conversation...

2. Ok. Here's a big one. It's ok if you tell them how you feel within REASON. My experience with this is that sometimes, you blurt out 'I love you' in the getting to know you phase and scare folk completely away. Yes, be open about your feelings, but don't get all blabberish and tell them how many children you want and in what order after three weeks. That's a really BAD idea...(that is, unless the other person starts the conversation and you are in agreeance. in that case, roll with it, kiddo.)

3. Don't go meet them in a durag, a doobie, and pajamas. Seriously. If this is someone that you are getting to know, and they don't really KNOW you yet, put some sort of effort into your appearance. Like it or not, first impressions really ARE everything.

4. If you are a '4 am'er, you do NOT earn the right to get jealous. The danger of being a 4 am relationship is that if the...ahem...'4 am conversation' is good enough, you start thinking that there could be more and that you are entitled to more. Please be CLEAR on your boundaries and what you are to that person. Remember not to make someone your priority when you are their option. (I am still remembering this, so this is as much for me as it is for the reader) The minute that one of you starts to 'catch feelings' is the minute that it may be time to reevaluate...


5. For my Facebookers that may also double as '4 am'ers...sigh...why do you blow your self up on your resident 4 am'ers page? Seriously? Are you expecting said person to acknowledge you? Be real with yourself: know what role you play in your current relationship status. If this reads as insulting, annoying, or touches a nerve, then chances are this is you and it's time to reevaluate. What, exactly? Do you actually want to be in a 4 am relationship? If you want the whole shebang, then perhaps this is not the route you want...perhaps falling back and looking at YOUR whole picture is your best bet...be real with yourSELF first.

6. Now. Once you have established what time of day relationship this is, and you've made it past the preliminary dating period and into a relationship, this is where 'keeping it real' comes into play. Here's the deal, and it gets no realer...If you cannot:

-pass gas around each other
-show off your stretchmarks outside of the Spanx
-talk about meeting your crazy uncle
-tell your momma (or appropriate family member) about them
-get a land line number (or a work number, whichever)
-wear your own hair out around them
-see each other without the smoke and mirrors of makeup and body products
-do a number 2 while they're in the same house
-argue every now and again and make up
-stop looking through their email, phone, Sidekick, or other PDA advice
-see their email, phone, Sidekick, or other PDA advice
-stop being jealous of platonic relationships with other people
-say I love you and mean it
-meet their best friend

It might be time to reevaluate not only whether you're 'keeping it real', but whether this is the right relationship for you. If you keep the spoiling apple around, eventually, it spoils the other apples in the bushel.

Just a bit of food for thought...

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How "West Injun" are Yuh?

I compiled this list from various other lists of different nationalities. One thing I have noticed about us Caribbean people (read: West Indian) is that more often than not, we have many attributes in common. Below is a very condensed list. Being that I myself am Trini and Bajan, you might find more of that than others. However, I have tried to be as fair and impartial as possible. Despite the way we sometimes behave, we are all one.

With that disclaimer written...come selector!



You know you're from the West Indies when....



- Any hot beverage is considered tea...cocoa tea, bush tea, coffee tea, tea tea, green tea...

- You hate to throw away empty containers for they might come in handy for pepper sauce.

- Cheese on bread ain't got nuttin to do wid being hungry.

- Yuh refer to a bank holiday as a bank holiduh.

- You have 'knick knacks' all over your home.

- You call all hard candy 'sweety'.

- A 'lime' is definitely not a fruit.

- You wash the 'wares' after having dinner.

- You have a bad fall and ya either lick up, break up, skin up or catspraddle.

- Yuh constantly explaining dat de dolphin you does eat is a fish and not a mammal!

- When someone sympathises with you, you comment "Yuh tink it easy?"...OR, when dealing with someone sarcastic, fresh, humorous, or all of the above, yuh get "Oh God yuh ain't easy..."

- You're standing next to plenty luggage and boxes at the airport.

- You point with your lips, or end a conversation with, "Mmhmm".

- You tell the host 'Good Night' when you arrive at someone's home in the evening.

- You think eating salt fish or shark and bake is a great morning meal.

- You drink tea with milk from an enamel cup.

- You show disappointment by sucking your teeth (steupsin).

- You wash and rinse plastic utensils and stryofoam cups and plates.

- You bring home food from a party.

- You chew the ice when you finish your drinks.

- When somebody call ya pon de phone and sa 'wait you still home'? or when da see ya pun de road and ask ya if ya still living.

- You say 'whappenin' even at a funeral.

- Yuh know dat 'hard wine' ain't got nuttin tuh do wid liquor.

- A rubber is an eraser.

- You can feel cold when it is 60 degrees.

- When you ask for pepper you don't mean ground black pepper.

- You have at least one relative living in either England, Canada, or the US.

- You go to school with green mangoes and salt and pepper in your pocket.

- Yuh best friend is yuh girlfriend's bruther.

- You know the difference between a ginnip and a jamoon.

- When you ask for directions, it's something like: "go da'side and tun lef, den go pass de coconut tree and jump ovah de trench and yuh reach" or "make a right at de mango tree. Go all the way down till yuh see three rude boys liming on de block. If yuh see a green house, dat not it, go straight...its the blue house in front of de two dunk trees..."

- You could sing an entire Parang song in Spanish word for word, but if someone asks you, "Como estas?", you say, "Whahappen?"

- You know that using 'blue' makes clothes whiter.

There are so many more, these are just a drop in the bucket. So...how West Indian are yuh?

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Spoken Word of KP's Past

QUASI FEMINISTIC

i think its too late to be a woman ...

too late for the mystery to develop

too late…for ladies to emerge from this 21st century…thing we call women

because ladies can be women but honey…

these women are definitely. not ladies.

we've traded in the feminine mystique for the 9 to 5 deal

and we became working mothers but we

forgot that being a mother is work

and I told you before, you're gonna be pissed at me

but I think the feminist movement is all for naught

because we're getting what we want

but at the cost of ourselves

we forgot our balance

and fell into the trap of those

who want us to be what they are

10:05 am 6.25.08 KP


SECRETIVE

laying in my bed with a feeling so strong...

forgetting my heart, in my mind its wrong

but I want him

aching to touch him and I know its wrong

just wanting to feel the taste of his tongue

and the look in his eyes, so smoldering and deep

and his touches, cliché, I know, but they make me so weak

and I can't understand why fate is such a witch

leaving me with a scratch and forgetting the itch

and its making me sick

'cause he's got me addicted with just one kiss

and I catch myself craving the taste of his lips

its bad and I know that it can't be

and I wish that there was no her, that it was just me

even though there is no she, it just appears to be

and it seems to be

serendipity

which sucks…

for me…



3:47 am 7.2.07 KP



TO ALL MY REAL WOMEN

To all my real women..

On their grind women

All the time women

Doing their thang woman

My sexy women in sweats women

Rocking no makeup women

Beauty on their worst day women

Still keeping it classy women

Know when to pull out the M.A.C. or the Vaseline women

Keeping it smooth women

My beautiful women

Coming in all colors women

Holding it down women

Be it mother or wife

Through the pain and strife

Working day and night

Doing it and doing it right

Be they 9 to 5ers or 5 to 9ers

Making that paper or them pancakes for your brood

Or doing both…either way, you are doing you and doing it well…

We are real women

Beautiful women

Strong women

So hold it down, my women

And for all my not real women

Out there posing

Take a page

From the book

Of a

Real

Woman.

Back to your regularly scheduled program…

4:41 am 1.15.07 KP

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Motherhood & Being Single on the Cusp of 30...and Children's Clothes

I took my little girl school clothes shopping today. Spent 200 dollars easily. SIGH. What annoyed me about this process wasn't spending the money, but the fact that I had to purchase jeans for her 2 sizes bigger than her actual size. Why, you might ask? Because the jeans that they had for little girls are cut like the jeans they have for GROWN WOMEN. I mean, skinny jeans for a 6 year old? What the hell does a 6 year old have use for skinny jeans?? And you know what's worse? The damn things have the nerve to look GOOD on her...

But seriously. What happened to children's clothing looking like it should be on a LITTLE person? Why is it that now, the clothing that should be protecting a child's innocence looks as if it's trying to bring it out prematurely? This phenomenon is one that I have never quite gotten. ...:smh:...

Moving right along...

A friend of mine made a comment today that kind of sat a little uneasily with me. It's not really her fault...I knew what she meant, but it just got me to thinking about how twisted our society is. When a person reaches a milestone birthday, it becomes a time to reevaluate what a person has done or not done, of how many "milestones" they have reached, in essence. Of late, the stigma is one or the other: Am I successful, married, and with/or without kids? or, Am I successful, have I avoided becoming a statistical single parent, etc. And so my friend, inadvertently, pointed out that our friend had not fallen victim to the single parenthood curse.

But why is it a curse? Ok, sure, I know that you are 'supposed' to have kids in marriage. But the marriage rate in this country right now is...hold on, lemme check...About 8 (7.6 to be exact) out of every 1000 people get married. So basic division and percentages...if there are over 300 million people in the US (304,059,724 as of July 2008, according to the US Census Bureau), that means that 67%(+/- 3%) of the country is married. But...about 4 (3.2 to be exact) of this same 1000 people are getting divorced. That's 40% (+/- 3%) of the same population. I could go deeper...but you get my point. Almost half of marriages in this country end in divorce. So with all that said...is it really better to be married, have kids, and play snake eyes at being together? Or is it better to be a single parent with guaranteed love? I mean, I know that's extra broad and a little generalized, but seriously...

Why is it seen as such a curse to be young and have a child? I have a 6 year old...I play hard and work twice as hard and I STILL spend most of my time with my baby girl...granted, I'm a little more tired than most, but it all gets done, and it CAN be done...so why is it seen as SUCH A CRIME? Did I sacrifice some freedom? Of course I did. But it's made to seem like such a negative thing...but if you look at some of the other things going on in society with my generation, I think this pales in comparison. Just some thoughts...

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