Hey Kettle, the Pot's Calling with Something to Say

It’s been a minute since I talked about marriage, hasn’t it?

Well now, since you’ve brought it up…

I guess I should throw kids into the mix too, balance it all out?

Now if only to figure out where to begin…

Okay. I’ve got it.

My girl Carrie Pink has her own blog that she contributes to on a regular basis, and her words always get me thinking about the things that I think about on a regular basis even more. In yesterday’s musings, she brought up an excellent topic about naming your child after you if you are not married. In her writings, she notes: “I understand women in relationships often feel pressures from fathers who want the children you birth for them to have their last name but why? Why should you give up the option of one family name? Particularly if you don’t live together? and have made no commitment towards being an entire FAMILY and how many of those fathers are by your side today? How long after the birth of the child were you forced to raise the child alone… Now here you are honoring a person who isnt even actively involved… Passing on a last name is a honor and is one that should be reserved for those who not only deserve it but earn it as well, post deilvery… Moms need to celebrate themselves and keep their families intact… More than just physically but emotionally and psychologically too… Having numerous last names in your home psychologically creates an unnecessary divide… No one belongs, because everyone’s name is different…”

You can read more about Carrie’s take on the state of the black family here, on her very iPad friendly site...;o)

So, of course, this got me to thinking about…well, me. But not just me…many people out there who may find themselves in similar situations. When Father’s Day rolls around, I always wish my daughter’s father a happy Father’s Day. Those of you who know me and know my current situation are probably wondering why that is, considering he a. does not wish me the same on Mother’s Day, and b. redefines the meaning of the word ‘jerk’. A large portion of this is as a result of my upbringing. My mother taught me always to be nice, even when that person isn’t being nice to you…why? Because the only thing that being angry does is hurt you…that other person doesn’t care if you’re angry or hurt, it’s not fazing them…only you. The other thing she always taught me is that karma is a bitch and it always, always comes back around. Always.

When I had my daughter, I did, indeed, give my child her father’s last name. Why? I didn’t think otherwise. It never occurred to me that we would reach the extent that we did, that we would be feuding the way that we are. It never dawned on me that I didn’t have to. At any rate, it doesn’t matter to me now that I know what I have to do, nor am I here to sit down and talk about me. Rather, I’d like to talk to my younger generation right now. I'm going to jump around, rambler that I am, for a minute...I promise they're all connected though.

My ladies…listen to me. The institution of marriage is DYING, and so is loyalty. Remember the stats from “The Sanctity of Divorce”? Half of our marriages are GOING…don’t believe me? Check out Arnold and Maria...Scarlett and Ryan…Tony and Eva…and that’s just in the last six months…and I’m not judging, everyone knows their personal limits and they know what they can and cannot tolerate…but at the same time…I really still feel that sometimes, we forget just why we marry…for better or worse.

But more importantly, ladies (and some gentlemen), riddle me this. Why intentionally get yourself into a predicament where you wind up being forced to, in essence, care for a life on your own, when you don’t have to? You should never choose to be a single mom. Take it from someone with experience. It’s not a healthy choice…for all parties involved. As the “pot” talking to you “kettles”, I can honestly say that I wished that I’d waited until my daughter’s father put that ceremonial piece of jewelry on my “life pulse” as he always said that he would before I made the decision that I made. Yes, I know, marriage does not guarantee forever, but it’s a step in the right direction 9 times out of 10. It is also the reason that there will be no more children on this end without a band/ true commitment.

And you should demand the same…because you deserve it. I don’t believe in settling…and it doesn't matter how unhappy my situation makes me at times, I know that I have no intention of settling or downplaying my power ever again. I am determined to be happy…and you should be, too.

What do you think? Do you think that children out of wedlock should be named after their mother or father? Do you think that women should choose to be single mothers, or wait for a committed relationship/marriage? What is your opinion on the current state of marriage?

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A Year Later...

And I still cry.

Yes, I said cry.

Those of you who know the tumultuous relationship my shorty and I had may not understand why I’m still so upset. Why I still think about her. It’s hard because sometimes she really was the only one that got it without me having to say a word. At the same time, she knew just how to drive me absolutely, utterly inSANE. It was this insanity that was too much to deal with.

But I wish I told her that.

There’s so much that I wish I told her. Things that she needed to hear so desperately, things that maybe would have resulted in her still being here. The day I thought of her, two weeks before she died, I wish I had went with the feeling I had to call her. She really would have been tickled with all that I was doing. And I would have been proud that she finally got her shit together.

Separation is good for relationships and friendships sometimes. It is when you begin to fear telling your friend the things they need to hear, when you dread telling them or asking them certain things because you don’t want to get into it with them, that there is a problem. My life lesson in my shorty passing is to never hold on to the things that are on your mind heavily, that you need to ask or query or say. There is nothing wrong with telling your friend about themselves if they need to be told about themselves. Yes, this may cause conflict, but a friendship, a true friendship, ain’t a friendship if you all don’t fuss at each other sometimes.

The past few months have been quite the emotional rollercoaster, in part because I knew this day was coming and in part because there’s so much in me that people need to hear…but I started to do the same thing again. I started to hold on to what I was feeling, held on to the things my friends needed to hear, the tough questions, because I have enough conflict in my life and I don’t need conflict from my friends. Remembering my shorty made me remember that I swore never to ever do that again.

So if you are my friend...and you read this…know that anything I ask, anything that I say to you, is never meant with malicious intent. It’s always in love and 9 times out of 10 it is something that you needed to hear. And I want the same thing done for me. Yes, I’m stubborn and yes, I have a LOT of pride…but I believe that friends should be able to tell friends the hard, not so great things about them, and be able to ask the tough questions, without fear that the friendship will die. If it does…then it wasn’t a true friendship.

As for my shorty…what can I say. I hope you and Alex are up there chilling, playing cards with Viola June, shooting the shit and giving my babes a hug. Do me a favor? Tell my Auntie I did what she told me to do. And that she was absolutely right.

No matter how we parted, I will always miss you, C.

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Emotion Commotion

“N!gga, stop playing with my effing emotions!!!”

                                                                        “I’m over you and your petty condescending bullshit!!!”

                               “You stupid c?cksucker…”

Now that I have your attention…

None of the above statements are true. They could be, though. They very well could be.

I’ve been avoiding Twitter and Facebook for a while because my emotions are at an all-time high, more so than even the norm. I’ve been going through the motions, for lack of a better word. It’s not because I’m looking at thirty. One of the things that I always say about thirty is, “one of the biggest mistakes that many of us in our late twenties make is that we get so caught up in the plan that we forget that plans should be made with room for a margin of error”.  (No Need to Panic coming soon! www.noneedtopanickp.com -->shameless plug)

So it’s not that. What is it, then?

It’s quite simple. I’m lonely.

GASP!!

What is a successful business woman and mother doing saying such things? You should be comfortable in your own skin! You should be able to survive and thrive without needing someone in your life! Huh? What kind of independent woman are YOU?

I’m an independent, successful woman who gets lonely sometimes. Simple.

And I’m not afraid to say it.

The problem with many of us as independent women is that we deny ourselves of the simple pleasure of companionship. Sometimes, it is a need, and a simple one. We tell ourselves that being confident in ourselves is enough, that we don’t need a man, we want one, we can do it all without them, yadda yadda yadda.

Ladies, please, do me a favor. Stop playing yourself.

If you are one of those women who say that to the world but you have your jumpoff that you get some from on a semi regular basis because you need the ‘release’ and then you’re good for a while, then you are playing yourself.

If you are one of those women who have shut off your emotions because he hurt you and cheated on you and you refuse to be hurt again so you shut off completely and become this bitch who sees something wrong with every man that you see, then you are playing yourself.

If you are a woman who screams to the world that you “don’t need a man” because a vibrator will do, then YOU ARE PLAYING YOURSELF.

Please do me a favor. Stop the madness.

I’m not here saying that you need a man per se. You do need companionship, however. Being alone all the time is unnatural and emotionally unhealthy. It is emotionally unhealthy because everyone, regardless of who they are, needs somebody sometimes. Period. End of story. You need to release the emotions because if you don’t, they build up to an unhealthy crescendo and then get released in a negative manner. And it’s not something that your homegirl can provide for you, it’s different and we all know it.

Some of us just try to deny that. We try to convince ourselves that we don’t need it, that’s it’s an option, that we’re okay without it, and that is called lying to yourself. Some of you are going to continue to deny it even after I’ve said it, you’re going to dispute what I’m saying, and that’s okay, if that’s what you feel that you need to do. I won’t even argue with you about it. Just know that you can lie to me if you feel you must…but don’t lie to yourself. Don’t do yourself that injustice. The reality of it is, we all need someone…and just because you are still able to make it through life without it, doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. It doesn’t mean that you are truly living, either.

But that’s another blog for another time.

Personally, I know that I need some companionship in my life. I’d love to have someone that’s my own that I can trust implicitly that can talk me down off of the proverbial ledge that my perfectionist neuroses puts me on sometimes…and sometimes, that person is just not another woman. (I mean, it can be for you, if that’s your preference, ladies. But I think you know what I mean.) I have a lot going on in my personal life that I don’t talk about a lot, and it gets really heavy sometimes. (A lot of times.) And yes, I still function and yes, I still do what I have to do, this goes without saying...but...I could use a hug and some reassurance that it’s going to be okay. I’m not ashamed to say it, either.

I actually applaud the women who are not afraid of emotions and being emotional. It takes a lot to be able to release that, and I actually think that people in touch with their emotions are stronger than they seem. It is a powerful thing to be in touch with your emotions and to let them free. Controlled ego freak that I am, it’s a hard thing for me to do.

But anyway.

That’s my diatribe. For now. I’ll get over it. I always do.

Thoughts?

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A Lesson in Less Humility...Self-Analysis 3 (The Year Before 30 Series)

I always get a little bit uncomfortable when someone genuinely compliments me. Seriously.

As a budding business owner and entrepreneur, I find myself constantly making moves and doing things the way that I think that they should be done. I am not a person that does anything small – every idea that I have is big, and the perfectionist in me always wants to execute every idea in the same manner, which, in turn, forces me to make big moves. This is not me being a braggart in any way, shape, or form. I just know that this is how I am. With that comes the obsessive compulsive personality in me that wants to “go hard or go home”. My work ethic is such that once I get an idea in my head and get around to executing it, there is nothing small about what I want to do. In essence, I get things done, if for no other reason than my own personal sanity.

As a result of me getting things done, my perfectionist nature is also such that whatever I do; must be done right; or I will absolutely refuse to put my name to it. Because of this, I accomplish a lot, and the people that I know follow what I am trying to accomplish tend to look up to me and admire what I do, which I don’t really have a problem with, especially since I admire them, for the most part. But when I hear certain compliments directed towards me, I brush them off or I downplay them. I’m not fishing for compliments, either. I just genuinely try to comprehend what they are seeing. Yes, I know that I am talented, and yes, I know that I do a lot and do it well, but why are you buttering me up? And no, please don’t look up to me, it’s too much pressure, because if I fall, will you catch me? Or are you one of the ones waiting to watch me fall?

This quality of mine, from my understanding, is called humility. It stems from my belief that at any given moment, I could lose the ability to execute all the ideas and plan all the activities and handle what needs to be handled and be talented because I was not grateful for the gift(s) that were given to me. It comes naturally to me to downplay any compliments that I receive because, again, sometimes I 1. question the person’s motives, or 2. don’t want to be placed on a pedestal. It’s a long way down from a pedestal, you know?

On the other hand…I do know that it is healthy to every now and again recognize and acknowledge a compliment when one is given. Earlier, after a conversation that I had with a friend of mine, I was curious to know how one member of my inner circle perceived me – and I was surprised by what I heard. The word ‘regal’ still sticks out in my head as a phrase never having been associated with me before – and I won’t deny, I was beyond touched at the association. So I am learning that to acknowledge my personal blessings and receive compliments is not such a bad thing.

Every day I get a touch closer to own personal self-enlightenment. 

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Scared to Settle

I might have settled if I hadn’t gotten that phone call that day.

Or, rather, not gotten that phone call.

I’ll explain this later.

We are so cynical in this day and age. To be considered a romantic, be it a hopeless one or otherwise, is usually considered silly and inappropriate. After all, there is no such thing as your soul mate, and if there is, there might be more than one…you have to make things work with someone if they’re not working, there’s no such thing as the perfect person…I could go on.

So why do I have a hard time believing this?

Allyuh know I like to define things that are on my mind so as to have a clear path to explain my thoughts down the road, and this time is, of course, no different. My man Merriam Webster defines a soul mate as “a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament”. While that definition is exceedingly vague, its meaning is not. Your soul mate should complement your nuances, all of them. And this doesn’t mean that they should be exactly like you, now. In fact…being exactly like someone is boring. I like the tiny conflicts that come from disagreements. I like being able to debate topics. I like to have balance.

I talk about topics like this because they have a way of becoming recurring themes in my life. With my circle all approaching 30 this year (if they didn’t already turn 30 last year), those of us that aren’t married or in committed relationships find ourselves unwittingly wondering if we will ever meet that fabled ‘soul mate’…or if we already have. Now having said that...

Wait. I haven’t been random in a long time. Lemme jump for a second.

I have this recurring dream that I am stood up at the altar. It’s been a recurring dream for the past four years. I’ve analyzed it from every angle, every perspective, every viewpoint (and why not? I’ve been having the same dream for years!), and I always come back to the fact that I’m scared to give my all to one person for fear of being abandoned. The fear of abandonment, for me, is a valid fear. If you know me, you know this to be true. In this dream, once or twice, the person who stood me up was none other than the original Disappearing Acts. When you take into consideration, though, that he happens to be a lying sack of shit…There is no worry that he will do that in real life, though.

*cues MJ “She’s Gone from My Life*

Anyway…

More recently, I had a dream that I left someone standing at the altar. I dreamt that one of my best friends talked me into marrying someone I was seeing because they were good for me, but when I got to the front of the church to say “I do”, I had a panic attack and couldn’t do it, so I left him there. I won’t tell you what happened in the rest of the dream (that’s a topic for a whole ‘nother blog), but what I will tell you is that this dream caused me as much anxiety as the last one. Me? Leave someone at the altar?

Wait…me?? SETTLE?

The only way I could ever imagine myself leaving someone at the altar is if I knew that I was settling and I couldn’t live with that choice. I am big on being happy. So big on it, in fact, that I set my life up in such a manner so that I can, indeed, be happy. With that said…I couldn’t imagine settling for someone, no matter how much I fear ending up alone. Yes, there are times that you have to work with the person that you are with – but that’s not settling, and that’s not what I mean by settling. Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean that they are the right person for you. The right person, in my eyes, is not just someone that loves you. There are a lot of people that love me.

But…

The right person, in my eyes, is the person that you can’t get out of your mind, even when you try…the person that makes you better…that knows your flaws and accepts them, but doesn’t try to change them…yet they work with you on them…the person that takes the time to understand you, your loves, and your nuances…who supports you unconditionally but isn’t afraid to tell you that you’re effing up…they are the person that you find yourself sharing everything with, even the things you never wanted to share…the person that you couldn’t imagine not being in your life, even when they piss you off (and they will).

And so on and so forth.

The person for me is the person that makes me feel all of that, all of the above and then some. So I was sick to my stomach when I realized this morning that I almost settled for someone who wasn’t that. When I was trying to be in a relationship a while back, I was all set to go on a trip to meet this person’s family for the holidays…but it didn’t happen. I never got the phone call that they were on their way. Why didn’t it happen? The details are not as important as the revelation that this person didn’t want what I wanted, for one reason or another…but more importantly, if this person left my life, I wouldn’t miss them.

And I can’t be with someone who I wouldn’t miss if they weren’t around. Neither should you.

Only time will tell if I will have to settle for less than what I truly want. Yes, everyone has a soul mate…but I don’t think everyone gets to be with that person. Life has a way of throwing curve balls into the mix. So only time will tell what will happen…but as much as I fear being alone…I fear settling even more.

So I won’t.

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My Mother's Child

As a child growing up, I always aligned myself with my father more than my mother. Understand that I loved both of my parents dearly, and I still do. It was just a…thing for me. I didn’t see what I had in common with my mother. Why, you ask? My father was the logical thinker. Anything he did was based on a logical train of thought that led to a well thought out conclusion. Not so much with my mother. My mother was a creature of more than just habit. Passive aggressive by nature, she often let her emotions guide her thoughts, actions, and deeds.

I was telling a friend of mine just yesterday that growing up with parents that were significantly older than the average parental unit left me feeling older than I was for years. As a child growing up, I would often examine situations and scenarios with a certain air of adult thought processes that endeared me to my parents’ friends but alienated me from my peers. It is with that thought process that I would examine my mother’s behaviors and, subsequently, endear myself with my father. After all, despite how I felt about a situation, I knew how to tackle my emotions and learned how not to let said emotions affect my decision making process.

I don’t know when I evolved into my mother’s child.

Somewhere in my growth process, somewhere in the process of me “preparing for 30”, I have become my mother’s child. I have allowed my emotions on certain topics to make decisions for me – decisions that five years ago, I wouldn’t even have remotely considered. Your emotions, when they make decisions for you, are a dangerous thing. They have the power to make you ignore your moral compass…or to make impulsive decisions…or to even hold on to inappropriate thoughts and feelings. It was the very thing that I criticized my mother about constantly…the very thing that I have found myself, in recent years, doing.

I am my mother’s child. I am more of my mother’s child than I ever imagined. It is not something that I am proud of. Please do not misunderstand me. I LOVE my mother. And I am glad that I have aspects of her in me. Just not this aspect. Acting on emotions was never something that I ever wanted to do…and it’s something that I am working on fixing. Yes, I know…you can’t control how you feel…but I am damn sure gonna try.

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Guard Up...Self-Analysis 2 (The Year Before 30 Series)

There is something about being guarded that intrigues and saddens me all at once.

I’ve always seen myself as this open and honest person, always willing to place my feelings, no matter what they may be, out there on the line for all to examine. When it comes to the people that I am closest to, however, I clam up. At first, I thought that it was a recent thing, but when I go back into my archives, I realize that this is a recurring trend for me.

Why is that?

I don’t do it all the time. It’s a Sagittarius trait, I believe, not so much a phase that I go through, but more so an approach to what I say and when I say it. It is an unconscious fear of being judged – of revealing too much, if you will. I believe that we all do it in varying aspects of our relationships, but I’ve realized this week that I do it much more than I think. I’ve had no less than three people (one of my best friends, one a very close friend, and then my cousin, all in that order) this week tell me the same thing.

I am guarded. But why?

I think about the things that I tend to self-filter…the things that I don’t say sometimes when every instinct screams, “say what you’re thinking, KP…” I think about what makes me immediately stop myself from saying it all. Sometimes, it is out of genuine fear of the reaction from the party I’m speaking to, sort of like when you reveal just how deeply you feel for someone, knowing that they didn’t want to know or they don’t feel the same way – that feeling of “why the hell did I just say that?” Other times, it is a simple moment of not wanting to become so vulnerable that the person you are talking to has a reason, any reason, to think differently of you, to use any of the information against you for any reason whatsoever.

It’s a weird feeling that I cannot explain. Every time I feel myself becoming entirely too vulnerable, saying too much, if you will, I clam up. Sometimes I do it obviously – other times, it is a subtle retreat, a retreat that even I sometimes do not notice, until someone else points it out (as one of my best friends pointed out, I ‘filter’ sometimes). More often than not, it is my defense mechanism, as well as my way of not being burdensome. Being an overactive thinker, I know in my heart that when I really start to spill my thoughts, I mean really spill, I can be intense…and then I feel bad for being so intense. I’m always thinking about what someone else’s feelings are – maybe they don’t feel like hearing about my shit over and over.

Even as I tell them it is okay to talk to me.

As of late, I am overtly conscious of my actions with the people that I care about, in part because while I could care less about the masses’ opinions of me, I do care about how the people I care about view me. With all of the varying assessments of me that I’ve heard this week, I am reminded why I don’t care about other people’s opinions very much – you can become obsessed with it. And whereas I am grateful for the blunt honesty that I received this week, somewhat of a reality check – I often wonder if it will make a difference in the person that I am – or, moreover, if I will finally decide to just let loose and stop guarding myself.

*shrugs* We’ll see. I’m working on it.

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