My Mother's Child

As a child growing up, I always aligned myself with my father more than my mother. Understand that I loved both of my parents dearly, and I still do. It was just a…thing for me. I didn’t see what I had in common with my mother. Why, you ask? My father was the logical thinker. Anything he did was based on a logical train of thought that led to a well thought out conclusion. Not so much with my mother. My mother was a creature of more than just habit. Passive aggressive by nature, she often let her emotions guide her thoughts, actions, and deeds.

I was telling a friend of mine just yesterday that growing up with parents that were significantly older than the average parental unit left me feeling older than I was for years. As a child growing up, I would often examine situations and scenarios with a certain air of adult thought processes that endeared me to my parents’ friends but alienated me from my peers. It is with that thought process that I would examine my mother’s behaviors and, subsequently, endear myself with my father. After all, despite how I felt about a situation, I knew how to tackle my emotions and learned how not to let said emotions affect my decision making process.

I don’t know when I evolved into my mother’s child.

Somewhere in my growth process, somewhere in the process of me “preparing for 30”, I have become my mother’s child. I have allowed my emotions on certain topics to make decisions for me – decisions that five years ago, I wouldn’t even have remotely considered. Your emotions, when they make decisions for you, are a dangerous thing. They have the power to make you ignore your moral compass…or to make impulsive decisions…or to even hold on to inappropriate thoughts and feelings. It was the very thing that I criticized my mother about constantly…the very thing that I have found myself, in recent years, doing.

I am my mother’s child. I am more of my mother’s child than I ever imagined. It is not something that I am proud of. Please do not misunderstand me. I LOVE my mother. And I am glad that I have aspects of her in me. Just not this aspect. Acting on emotions was never something that I ever wanted to do…and it’s something that I am working on fixing. Yes, I know…you can’t control how you feel…but I am damn sure gonna try.

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Guard Up...Self-Analysis 2 (The Year Before 30 Series)

There is something about being guarded that intrigues and saddens me all at once.

I’ve always seen myself as this open and honest person, always willing to place my feelings, no matter what they may be, out there on the line for all to examine. When it comes to the people that I am closest to, however, I clam up. At first, I thought that it was a recent thing, but when I go back into my archives, I realize that this is a recurring trend for me.

Why is that?

I don’t do it all the time. It’s a Sagittarius trait, I believe, not so much a phase that I go through, but more so an approach to what I say and when I say it. It is an unconscious fear of being judged – of revealing too much, if you will. I believe that we all do it in varying aspects of our relationships, but I’ve realized this week that I do it much more than I think. I’ve had no less than three people (one of my best friends, one a very close friend, and then my cousin, all in that order) this week tell me the same thing.

I am guarded. But why?

I think about the things that I tend to self-filter…the things that I don’t say sometimes when every instinct screams, “say what you’re thinking, KP…” I think about what makes me immediately stop myself from saying it all. Sometimes, it is out of genuine fear of the reaction from the party I’m speaking to, sort of like when you reveal just how deeply you feel for someone, knowing that they didn’t want to know or they don’t feel the same way – that feeling of “why the hell did I just say that?” Other times, it is a simple moment of not wanting to become so vulnerable that the person you are talking to has a reason, any reason, to think differently of you, to use any of the information against you for any reason whatsoever.

It’s a weird feeling that I cannot explain. Every time I feel myself becoming entirely too vulnerable, saying too much, if you will, I clam up. Sometimes I do it obviously – other times, it is a subtle retreat, a retreat that even I sometimes do not notice, until someone else points it out (as one of my best friends pointed out, I ‘filter’ sometimes). More often than not, it is my defense mechanism, as well as my way of not being burdensome. Being an overactive thinker, I know in my heart that when I really start to spill my thoughts, I mean really spill, I can be intense…and then I feel bad for being so intense. I’m always thinking about what someone else’s feelings are – maybe they don’t feel like hearing about my shit over and over.

Even as I tell them it is okay to talk to me.

As of late, I am overtly conscious of my actions with the people that I care about, in part because while I could care less about the masses’ opinions of me, I do care about how the people I care about view me. With all of the varying assessments of me that I’ve heard this week, I am reminded why I don’t care about other people’s opinions very much – you can become obsessed with it. And whereas I am grateful for the blunt honesty that I received this week, somewhat of a reality check – I often wonder if it will make a difference in the person that I am – or, moreover, if I will finally decide to just let loose and stop guarding myself.

*shrugs* We’ll see. I’m working on it.

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The Side Chick

So I wasn’t going to comment on a lot of the statuses/posts/tweets I’ve been seeing this weekend.

I know, I know. I always speak my mind, right? So why different this time?

I wasn’t going to comment because I didn’t think it needed my “Caribbean Rambler” stamp on it.

But...after seeing this for what seems like the 100^th time today, I felt the need to say a quick something about it.

First off, Happy National Side Chick Day!!! (e-confetti, glitter spins) O_o

(Yup, I’m going there today.)

I almost want to post this to Facebook and tag all the people this weekend that I’ve seen address this over the weekend, but there is a tag limit on these things, I know. Not to mention that you don’t need me to tell you who you are. You know who you are.

I didn’t realize that today was a national holiday – the precursor before Valentine’s Day, if you will. I mean, never mind that Valentine’s Day is such a day of mixed emotions – the lonely and bitter ones cursing the day because they’re lonely, the happy ones posting all of their Valentine’s Day goodies, the lonely and hopeful landing somewhere in the middle…Valentine’s Day in and of itself has the potential to cause lots of drama. I mean, as we all know (prepare for sarcasm), Valentine’s Day is the only day of the year that one can express their appreciation for the ones that they love. Husbands, boyfriends, do me and yourselves a favor this upcoming V-Day: make sure you get your shorty something, if you ever intend on getting buns today or in the near future. If she says she doesn't want something, she is lying. Trust me. Even if she insists. She wants something. She wants you to get it anyway.

But this post is not for the happily/unhappily/situations in love.

This post is for the side chick in all of us.

I just want to start off by saying that I don’t say this to encourage infidelity. For myself, I have never cheated on anyone I’ve been with a day in my life, which becomes interesting when you assess that at least half of the people I have been with cannot say the same. (I’m not bitter. Seriously. No sarcasm. It’s all a lesson learned.) I firmly believe that if you’re with dude or shorty, and you’re not happy, and you have the power with which to either fix the problem or leave, then do so. Cheating solves nothing and complicates everything.

Having said that…

Raise your hand if you’ve been or know a side chick.

(raises hand, patiently waits)

There should be a lot more hands up than there are right now. *raises eyebrow*

OK. OK. I’ll stop. I’m not blowing anyone’s spot today.

What I will say is this: there are a lot of us out there, using social media as a platform with which to be uber judgmental. As many people as I’ve seen putting down the ‘side chick’ these past few days, how many of those same people have side chicks? Know side chicks? Encourage the side chick phenomenon? Hell, how many of your parents have been the/encouraged the side chick thing?

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Now, again, I don’t condone behavior or encourage it. I’m not offering an opinion on the side chick one way or the other. But if there is one thing I have learned these past few years, it is this: you can never walk in someone’s shoes unless you’ve walked in their shoes. And it is with that said that I say this: stop playing out the side chick. Leave them be and stop pointing the finger. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and actions, and I don’t care what you think you might do or not do or what you think something is, you can never say unless you’ve been there. Everyone has a higher power to answer to eventually. Let them answer to it. After all…lots of you pointing the finger have a/are the side chick, aren’t you? *wink* #imjustsaying…

That is all.

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Logic vs Emotion - Self Analysis 1 (The Year Before 30 Series)

Logic: 2. a particular method of reasoning or argumentation; 4. convincing forcefulness; inexorable truth or persuasiveness [dictionary.com] 

Emotion: c : a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioural changes in the body [m-w.com]

It is always an interesting phenomenon when logic and emotion interrelate within the same space. I chose to define the two words because, as you all who follow my musings well know by now, I have a tendency to analyze and even overanalyze scenarios until I can either make sense of them, or until at least I am in enough of a position to deal with them as they are.

According to the definition, logic lends to a particular method of reasoning. We can all relate to this. How many times have you said to someone, “if you look at the logic of the situation”...when referencing a scenario, any scenario? We use the term logic loosely, in my personal opinion, to justify actions taken, to explain away otherwise distorted and confused views, opinions, or thought processes. A persuasive speaker can get a less swift person to accept their words as truth by swaying them with not easily broken logic.

Even if, in reality, they are lying through their teeth.

In contrast, emotion, always the stepchild of rationale, is pegged as a conscious mental reaction experienced as a strong feeling...and accompanied by physiological and behavioural changes in the body.

*peers at hives on leg*

It never ceases to amaze me how much emotion plays into everyday life...how much it has the potential to affect even the smallest of movements. Many of us may not exercise logic...but we all feel, whether we want to admit it or not. We all are subjected to varying levels of emotions, based on life’s daily occurrences. How often have we heard the phrase, “I can’t help what I feel”.

Can we? Help how we feel, that is?

Logic implies a certain level of practicality. It is reasoning at its finest. Even in situations like the one I currently have been stressing over (still peers at hives), the rationale that led to my decision was a decision steeped in logic. In fact, it reminds me of the only part of math I actually liked: logic statements were simple and to the point, the logic statement if p then q being the perfect analogy. (Yes, I am using modus tollens. Yes, I am a nerd. It is what it is.) If I prove p, then q automatically follows. If I can’t prove p, then no q. Simple. And we do it all the time – we use conditional reasoning in order to prove our point about something. There is a layer of fact in logic, even if the logic is faulty. Emotion, conversely, is just that. Emotional. Devoid of logic. It is the subsequent feeling that accompanies a difficult decision.

There is an implied balance between these two seemingly different things. I am working on being able to separate the two in difficult situations. One of my best friends told me early this morning that many times, the physiological changes that come as a result of emotion are all in my head – because everyone else who is aware of the concern doesn’t have the same attachment...or the same symptoms. (sound like the definition?) The suggestion was that in order to eliminate the problem, the solution was to separate the emotion from the situation and apply logic...and then take the negative energy being applied to the previous emotion and apply it somewhere more effective.

I’m working on it.

What do you think of the divide between emotion and logic? Do you feel that there actually a divide? If placed in a difficult situation, could you separate your feelings from the logical fact of the situation? Are you a logical person or an emotional person? Why? Can you be both? 

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Resolutions (<---O_o) for the New Year

New Year’s resolutions are for the birds.

I’m serious.

It is about the time of year where everyone starts to make promises to themselves to fix the things in their lives that are either lacking or in excess, and they call them ‘resolutions’.

I always wondered why we do that to ourselves.

Why is it that we wait for January 1^st to decide that this time, this hour, this moment, is the best moment with which to decide to start anew? Why can’t it be December 27^th? Or May 13^th? Why wait till the New Year when you can start whenever you like?

I could go into depth as to why this is the case, but I made a resolution to myself on my birthday to be more conscientious with the words that I choose to use and the level of tact that I exert. I know that for me, these are my so-called “resolutions” (I already started these, hence the quotations):

1.       1. Figure out why the hell I always fall for the wrong guy. I’m sure that there are many ladies out there that are trying to figure this out for themselves, but this is an ongoing battle that I am determined to figure out, starting with the one I’ve been catching myself having feelings for now.

2.       2. Finish losing the weight that I started. I’m proud of this. At the beginning of the year, I was 295. Now I am 244. I have no shame in saying these numbers. My goal? 170. And so it goes…

2.

3.       3. Get my books published. One is done, two are almost done. I started a project to get the finished one published…so fingers crossed!

4.       4. Be less affected by tomfoolery, “shtupidness”, and flakiness. Allyuh know how ah feel bout tomfoolery and shtupidness. I’m going to develop a duck’s skin with these two. I’ve already started to. *preens feathers* As for the flakiness, nothing irks me more than indecisiveness and people who tell you one thing and then back out last minute, especially if they don’t tell you, you have to find out on your own. For my birthday, I got a lot of this. It was the first time that I was genuinely like, “if you come, you come, if you don’t, ok”. I felt the vestiges of annoyance creep up at first…but I brushed it off. Now, I’ve come to accept it. This is a work in progress…but I’m good with it right now.

That’s about it, folks! I don’t believe in resolutions. I believe in setting goals and going with them whenever you come up with them…not waiting for a New Year to make that happen. That is what I am doing. 

What do you think?

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The 1 Year From 30 Post!

I am officially 29 years old! One year left to the big 3-0!

What does that actually mean, though? Does it mean anything at all? To me it does. I’ve been seeing a lot of fuss regarding the life change from 28 to 29 to 30. I’m not quite sure why…so…

I think it’s time to do 29 Reasons Why 29 is the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread…

29. Um…hello! It’s another year, another day, another moment in time to continue living!

28. As up and down as 28 has been, it was still the most fabulous year ever…so 29 is poised to be even better!

Okay. 

So I won’t do 29 reasons. 

What I will do, in all seriousness, is go through the top 10 things I am looking forward to in my 29^th year of life…

10. The growth of my catering and personal chef business. 

9. The publishing of not one, not two, but three different books. (Details to come) If I can accomplish that, babeee….!!

8. Another three to four inches of growth on my locs. (I wanna whip my hair back and forth!)

7. A renewed relationship with my own energy and my higher power.

6. The 30^th birthday cruise that is in the works. (Ladies, look out for the email, allyuh know who you are!)

5. Getting down to at least a size 12. If I can do a size 10, even better.

4. A continually prosperous and enlightening relationship with the ride or dies and friends that I have.

3. A better relationship with my family, but most specifically my mother.

2. Continued blessings and a positive relationship with my daughter.

And the number one thing I am looking forward to in my 29^th year of life?

1.       Continued happiness, blessings, and whatever love is out there for me, in whatever form it comes.

Cheers! =oD

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Change and Growth

“It’s been too hard living/but I’m afraid to die/’Cause I don’t know what’s up there/beyond the sky/It’s been a long, long time coming/but I know/a change’s gon come”

Sam Cooke – “A Change’s Gon Come”

I’m fine.

Trust me. I’m fine.

I chose to start this post with these words because this is one of my favorite lyrics and all time favorite songs, period. There is something about the passion and elegance with which Sam Cooke sings this song that has always touched something deep down in my spirit. I’ve always related to the lyrics.

Life is hard.

Sure, we’ve all had good moments. We’ve had bad moments. I myself, in this one year, have had so many ups and downs that it has been nearly impossible to keep up. I am a firm believer in the concept of bad coming with good. After all, if there is no bad, how do you know good? How can you actually appreciate good?

At any rate. As rough as life has been to me this year, and with 29 looming just over a week away, I wouldn’t give it up for anything. And not even just because I’m afraid to die. Death scares me, immensely, agreed…but there is so much to life right now that I just can’t wait to experience, you know?

With that said. There’s a whole lot of change coming.

A whole lot of change.

I’m always changing and evolving, right? What makes this particular change so different?

It’s simple. I’m just going to do it. If you notice, great. If you don’t, great. It’s not about anyone but me. And don’t even look for me to tell you the changes. It’s all about what you see or observe – if you care enough. And, if you don’t notice the change…then that’s pretty tell tale too, isn’t it?

Cheers…

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