I was chatting a few days ago with an acquaintance of mine who also is friends with the father of my eight year old. At the time, I didn’t realize that they knew each other. (It’s funny how small the world is sometimes.) At any rate, said acquaintance was discussing how impressed they were with how well-mannered, intelligent and well taken care of my daughter is, and noted that they wished more ‘baby moms’ (insert cringe here) were like that. He then went on to cite some of the drama that another friend of his was going through with the mother of his child. Ironically…said friend happened to be my daughter’s father. When I made the connection, I turned to said acquaintance and said: “How ironic…particularly because none of that is true…not even a little bit…” He was stunned and felt bad, and pointed out that the person that he knew me to be didn’t fit the description he’d heard at all – nor had he ever heard me utter anything negative about said father. (Well of course not, 1. You’re an acquaintance and 2. It’s no one’s business but my circle.)
I digress.
This brings me to my gripe for the day: how often do you hear about ‘disrespectful baby mamas’ whom are ‘jilted’ because they are no longer with said person? Who are only in it for the ‘child support’? Who makes their child’s father’s lives a living hell? I am certain everyone is familiar with this person, this particular stereotype. However, what about the converse? What about the single mother who is none of these things? Or, even better, what about the other side of the coin? How do we know that what we are hearing about said ‘baby mama’, traditionally from the father and/or the new young lady in said life, is actually what is…well…true?
Many of us who are reading this thread are single mothers or know single mothers. Every woman who is a mother has the potential to become a single mother – married women get divorced, women in relationships get out of relationships, etc., etc. The strain that a newborn child can bring into a relationship is a challenge – and has been the demise of many a relationship. The point is, there are many single mothers here. Period. Having said that…the stigma surrounding the ‘single mother’ is always a generalized and trite description that I, even though it does not apply to me, tend to be offended by, and this offense became fueled by a blog I read by my girl Carrie Pink, called “Dealing With The Spiteful Baby Mama.. As the New Girlfriend/Wife” In the blog, the discussion is based on a single mother who is disappointed, if you will, in the current status of the relationship with the father of her child, and thus does things that are spiteful to the new person in the man’s life.
I know women like this. I’ve seen it happen, and every time I see it happen I am apt to shake my head. However, after listening to the acquaintance who explained how he perceived me in someone else’s eyes, not realizing that we were the same person, it made me wonder if there weren’t other scenarios that were similar in nature. What if the behavior that was being exhibited by the single mother was perceived as coming from a place of anger, but in reality was far from, and was, in fact, a justified response?
Scene: Shaynii* has been raising little Alexandra* for the better part of six years. The father of her child, Miles*, is around…but it is inconsistent and he provides little to no fiscal assistance. He does care, and he does do things for said child, but he makes the minimal effort with regard to the upbringing/needs of his child. He and Shaynii deal off and on at first until Shaynii finally decides that she can no longer deal with the on again, off again relationship, so she ends it. He begins to finally see someone consistently, and introduces said person to Shaynii because he would like for this person to meet Alexandra.
Shaynii and Jocelyn* hit it off initially, and both agree that they would like to avoid the traditional drama that surrounds these sorts of relationships. As time goes on, however, Jocelyn pulls away from Shaynii as her and Miles become more serious. Shaynii brushes this off as she realizes that Miles is worried that she may tell Jocelyn things about his past that he doesn’t want her to know. She continues raising Alex the best way she knows how, and continues to include Miles in the upbringing, all the while attempting to keep an open line of communication with Jocelyn, who is no longer receptive.
As the issue of child support becomes more prevalent, Miles claims that he does everything for Alex that he should. Shaynii disagrees and points out the challenges/lack of support. More and more, she notices that when Jocelyn comes around, she is rude and curt to her, despite Shaynii being cordial, and fuels Miles’ flames if he disagrees with something that Shaynii does. Shaynii repeatedly asks to sit with both Miles and Jocelyn to have an open discussion, so that they are all on the same page – she is concerned that Alex will begin to pick up on the negative vibes. In the midst of this, Miles tries to make a move on Shaynii. Shaynii refuses. Finally, it is revealed that Jocelyn has no interest in having this conversation, she doesn’t see the need.
Shaynii is beyond frustrated, she has been hearing her daughter come home with sayings that are contrary to the way that she would like for her to be raised, and more and more she is noticing that Jocelyn is revealing private information between adults to her child. More importantly, Miles has not been contributing at all to Alex fiscally, nor is he aware of anything that is going on in her school and extra-curricular activities, outside of what Alex chooses to tell him. Finally, Shaynii decides to pursue child support. Miles and Jocelyn are incensed.
Within this particular scenario, would “Shaynii” – maintain the right to have an ‘attitude’, if you will, with her child’s father? Would this be considered a woman being spiteful or scorned? Perhaps a better question is: how many other women find themselves with their backs against the wall, and, left with no other alternative, do what they feel is the best thing to do considering the circumstance, only to be labeled ‘spiteful’? What if what has been said about the child’s mother isn’t actually true?
In human nature, we as people tend to feed into the negativity – that is, we are quick to believe the worst that we hear about people without ever questioning the validity of said information. It is, indeed, the nature of gossip as a whole – the stuff that tabloids and reality television are made of – where we as people listen to the dramatic stories and, based on the deliverer of said story, believe wholeheartedly what is said. It never dawns on us that perhaps what is being said isn’t true, that you can believe half of what you see and even less of what you hear. With that being said, I pose this final question: how many times have you made an assumption about someone you didn’t know, particularly a ‘baby mama’, without actually examining the situation for what it is?
Share your thoughts…
*Note: Names have been changed for the purpose of this blog.
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