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Friday, April 22, 2011

Emotion Commotion



“N!gga, stop playing with my effing emotions!!!”
                                                                        “I’m over you and your petty condescending bullshit!!!”
                               “You stupid c?cksucker…”

Now that I have your attention…


None of the above statements are true. They could be, though. They very well could be.

I’ve been avoiding Twitter and Facebook for a while because my emotions are at an all-time high, more so than even the norm. I’ve been going through the motions, for lack of a better word. It’s not because I’m looking at thirty. One of the things that I always say about thirty is, “one of the biggest mistakes that many of us in our late twenties make is that we get so caught up in the plan that we forget that plans should be made with room for a margin of error”.  (No Need to Panic coming soon! www.noneedtopanickp.com -->shameless plug)

So it’s not that. What is it, then?

It’s quite simple. I’m lonely.

GASP!!

What is a successful business woman and mother doing saying such things? You should be comfortable in your own skin! You should be able to survive and thrive without needing someone in your life! Huh? What kind of independent woman are YOU?

I’m an independent, successful woman who gets lonely sometimes. Simple.

And I’m not afraid to say it.

The problem with many of us as independent women is that we deny ourselves of the simple pleasure of companionship. Sometimes, it is a need, and a simple one. We tell ourselves that being confident in ourselves is enough, that we don’t need a man, we want one, we can do it all without them, yadda yadda yadda.

Ladies, please, do me a favor. Stop playing yourself.

If you are one of those women who say that to the world but you have your jumpoff that you get some from on a semi regular basis because you need the ‘release’ and then you’re good for a while, then you are playing yourself.

If you are one of those women who have shut off your emotions because he hurt you and cheated on you and you refuse to be hurt again so you shut off completely and become this bitch who sees something wrong with every man that you see, then you are playing yourself.

If you are a woman who screams to the world that you “don’t need a man” because a vibrator will do, then YOU ARE PLAYING YOURSELF.

Please do me a favor. Stop the madness.

I’m not here saying that you need a man per se. You do need companionship, however. Being alone all the time is unnatural and emotionally unhealthy. It is emotionally unhealthy because everyone, regardless of who they are, needs somebody sometimes. Period. End of story. You need to release the emotions because if you don’t, they build up to an unhealthy crescendo and then get released in a negative manner. And it’s not something that your homegirl can provide for you, it’s different and we all know it.

Some of us just try to deny that. We try to convince ourselves that we don’t need it, that’s it’s an option, that we’re okay without it, and that is called lying to yourself. Some of you are going to continue to deny it even after I’ve said it, you’re going to dispute what I’m saying, and that’s okay, if that’s what you feel that you need to do. I won’t even argue with you about it. Just know that you can lie to me if you feel you must…but don’t lie to yourself. Don’t do yourself that injustice. The reality of it is, we all need someone…and just because you are still able to make it through life without it, doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. It doesn’t mean that you are truly living, either.

But that’s another blog for another time.

Personally, I know that I need some companionship in my life. I’d love to have someone that’s my own that I can trust implicitly that can talk me down off of the proverbial ledge that my perfectionist neuroses puts me on sometimes…and sometimes, that person is just not another woman. (I mean, it can be for you, if that’s your preference, ladies. But I think you know what I mean.) I have a lot going on in my personal life that I don’t talk about a lot, and it gets really heavy sometimes. (A lot of times.) And yes, I still function and yes, I still do what I have to do, this goes without saying...but...I could use a hug and some reassurance that it’s going to be okay. I’m not ashamed to say it, either.

I actually applaud the women who are not afraid of emotions and being emotional. It takes a lot to be able to release that, and I actually think that people in touch with their emotions are stronger than they seem. It is a powerful thing to be in touch with your emotions and to let them free. Controlled ego freak that I am, it’s a hard thing for me to do.

But anyway.

That’s my diatribe. For now. I’ll get over it. I always do.

Thoughts?

Saturday, April 2, 2011

A Lesson in Less Humility...Self-Analysis 3 (The Year Before 30 Series)

I always get a little bit uncomfortable when someone genuinely compliments me. Seriously.

As a budding business owner and entrepreneur, I find myself constantly making moves and doing things the way that I think that they should be done. I am not a person that does anything small – every idea that I have is big, and the perfectionist in me always wants to execute every idea in the same manner, which, in turn, forces me to make big moves. This is not me being a braggart in any way, shape, or form. I just know that this is how I am. With that comes the obsessive compulsive personality in me that wants to “go hard or go home”. My work ethic is such that once I get an idea in my head and get around to executing it, there is nothing small about what I want to do. In essence, I get things done, if for no other reason than my own personal sanity.

As a result of me getting things done, my perfectionist nature is also such that whatever I do; must be done right; or I will absolutely refuse to put my name to it. Because of this, I accomplish a lot, and the people that I know follow what I am trying to accomplish tend to look up to me and admire what I do, which I don’t really have a problem with, especially since I admire them, for the most part. But when I hear certain compliments directed towards me, I brush them off or I downplay them. I’m not fishing for compliments, either. I just genuinely try to comprehend what they are seeing. Yes, I know that I am talented, and yes, I know that I do a lot and do it well, but why are you buttering me up? And no, please don’t look up to me, it’s too much pressure, because if I fall, will you catch me? Or are you one of the ones waiting to watch me fall?

This quality of mine, from my understanding, is called humility. It stems from my belief that at any given moment, I could lose the ability to execute all the ideas and plan all the activities and handle what needs to be handled and be talented because I was not grateful for the gift(s) that were given to me. It comes naturally to me to downplay any compliments that I receive because, again, sometimes I 1. question the person’s motives, or 2. don’t want to be placed on a pedestal. It’s a long way down from a pedestal, you know?

On the other hand…I do know that it is healthy to every now and again recognize and acknowledge a compliment when one is given. Earlier, after a conversation that I had with a friend of mine, I was curious to know how one member of my inner circle perceived me – and I was surprised by what I heard. The word ‘regal’ still sticks out in my head as a phrase never having been associated with me before – and I won’t deny, I was beyond touched at the association. So I am learning that to acknowledge my personal blessings and receive compliments is not such a bad thing.

Every day I get a touch closer to own personal self-enlightenment. 

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