Locs and the Ever Eluding Patience

I am currently approaching my first month of having 'locs'. On Thursday, I will get my hair washed (Oh thank GOD) and re-twisted. In this month, I have gone through quite a bit of self discovery and self examination. My loctician explained to me that the first six months of having locs is an exercise in patience: my locs will become frizzy and look slightly unkempt before eventually smoothing out. I looked at my hair today...frizz galore. Clearly I've skipped three months. And I've kept them tied when I wasn't running around. So I dunno. Sigh.

I myself am an interesting exercise in patience. There are certain things and certain people that I have no patience for: the excuses, the fibs/lies, the stupidity. And yet, if you find your way into my heart and/or mind, I have infinite patience for you/the things. It's interesting, because for me, trust/love is earned and it is extreme: I either love you on sight or I can simply tolerate you, and rarely do you ever move past that point. Same goes for trust. If I trust you, I trust you with everything and that is difficult to reverse. If I don't trust you, I never will. If you ever make it from trust to non trust, it is irreversible.

So when I got my locs (to tie the two things in together), I knew that patience with the state of my hair was key. Part of my reason for starting them at this stage in my life is that I knew that it would be an exercise in my level of patience. So then, why am I having such a difficult time with being patient in the other aspects of my life? Take love/relationships, for example. In the changes that I have been making in my life, a part of me wonders if this 'prince' (for lack of a better term) will show themselves to me, or, if they already have, why they are being such a 'bitch ass' (again, for lack of a better term). Now, I work on me for me, not so that I can get what I want...it was just a curious thing that came to mind that I wondered about. (A large portion of this thought process could be perpetuated by the insanity of my family and family friends...but that's another blog.)

Same thing for my business. Why is it taking so long for it to pick up the way that I would like it to? Granted, again, I know that these things take time. I know it's a recession, and I know that there are a lot of contributing factors to why my business is where it currently is. But yet I find myself being utterly impatient when leads don't come in, or when potential clients, in essence, flake. I know, I know, it's all part of the business. But still. Sigh.

It is my hope that watching my locs grow and cultivating them will also allow me to become, overall, a more patient person. Until then...


GRRRR...LOL...

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Trust, Vulnerability, and the Purple Headed Monster

Picture this: your throat gets dry, your heart starts racing, your urge for some pholourie and buss up shot (or maybe BBQ chicken) is just GONE...butterflies in your stomach is the understatement of the year. What the hell is this? This is bull-sheet!

Nah, it's just being vulnerable. If you're like me, the very thought of opening yourself up and showing someone else the softer side of you (or maybe just showing someone you, not even the softer side necessarily) causes your very being to freeze in place. With allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to allow emotions in, it can come with some mixed feelings. This is the part where I get to telling you the best way to handle it, right? Haaaa...have you learned NOTHING from previous posts? LOL.

The truth is that I don't know how to. I'm an admitted punk. In fact, there is a great chance that if I were to fall in love, I'd run for the proverbial hills. I'm actually not a big risk taker at all. I like sure things. I also have issues with trust, mainly being that I don't. Rather, if I trust you, I trust you with everything. The whole shebang. And I can usually tell pretty early on. If I have to question whether I can trust you in the beginning, I'll never trust you. You can add my name to the millions of people that feel this way, though, because I am not the only one.

So, what do people like me do? They PANIC. They write frantically and hyperventilate quietly. And then they either eventually man up and do what they have to do to get what they want...or they avoid the whole situation and wait until the purple headed monster makes his sudden appearance. Either way...trust and being vulnerable are playing double dutch right now...

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Keeping it Real When None of the Above Apply

So interestingly enough, I got a lot of positive feedback on this early morning blog, both on here and on Facebook. One of the questions I've gotten (which is a question I pose myself) is: what if none of the usual stigmas apply? Then what?

Hmmm. What if you've managed to get yourself into an undefinable, un "timed - not 12 pm or 4 am" relationship? In other words, what if you're just not sure? I've been there before...and while I can't say that I've done or are doing the right thing, I can say what might be your best bet:

1. Look at the clues that your...ahem...partner is giving you. If you only hear from them when it's time to...um..."talk"...then it's probably a 4 am relationship and they're just not aware of the designated time to call for this. LOL.

2. Say you primarily hear from them when it's time to "talk", but then you all actually converse and the conversation is intense...then it might be time to ask him what time should you hear from them next, if you get my drift. No? Find out where you stand. Are they looking for more than just "talk"? Establish that, and then, once you've done that, refer back to the 1st Keeping it Real. If they look at you like, "I thought you knew the deal", then you just weren't paying attention. LOL.

3. If the person is sending mixed signals, as often times is the reason that we find ourselves scratching our heads, trying to figure out the deal, then it's still time to ask. When you ask, however, please know a. what you're asking, and b. who you're asking. If you don't really know the person, then you really shouldn't be asking any questions in the first place...that is, clearly this is a '4 am' er and you are reading more into it than necessary. If you do know the person, or you're really just unsure, ask. Some people will say to 'play your position', but if you don't know what your position is, that's difficult to do, not to mention that sometimes, hard questions just need to be asked, point blank. Sometimes, the way that the person answers the question speaks volumes.

If none of these things apply, it's time for you to examine your own self first before jumping into any of these relationship types. Sometimes, the confusion is solved by self-examination...

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Keeping it Real? Uh, no...

You don't want the real.

Seriously, no one REALLY wants the real.

We run around, putting up these blogs and catchy one liners "I'm looking for a real (fill in the blanks)"

But, let's put it all out there and keep it 'real' for once. What dude wants to meet a chick with the goggle eye glasses and the dry ass eczema or psoriasis patch on the 1st date? Wouldn't you rather go out with the shorty with the expertly applied M.A.C. face, designed to 'look' natural?


Don't front, you know it's true...


And ladies, come on now. We all say, "he's gotta be motivated. About something. Stable. It's what upstairs that counts". But if a dude told you from the door that he was starting his own business so he wouldn't have to work for anyone (read: broke and, chances are, doing civil and/or no work) would you REALLY want to stick around? Do we REALLY go to the singles networking parties looking for the BeetleJuice looking bruh with a BRAIN? Yeah, not so much.


Some of you might be like, "yeah, I'm not that shallow or superficial". Yeah, we are. Me included. Everyone earns the right to their own opinions and preferences, but we have all, at one point or another, been admittedly (or unadmittedly) shallow. We'd rather meet someone with minimal flaws at the door, but get pissed off if someone points out own own flaws, or are not accepting of them. What's 'real' about that?


Chris Rock said it best. (paraphrase) "you are meeting their representative" on the first date (and the next few). Neither side wants to or is prepared to meet pre-Proactiv, holey yet comfortable, wedgie picking, 'I have gas all the got damn time' person until much, MUCH later in the game. And yes, of course, all of these things are exaggerated somewhat. (Or maybe not). The point is, I get a kick out of seeing 'keep it real' blasted all over everything.

When I first met someone once, I came out in, no lie, pajamas, a head tie, and work Crocs. I KNOW I looked like I just rolled out of bed. And granted, this is because I had, but I'm saying. I was curious if my appearance mattered. So far I don't think it's had any adverse affect, but the truth is, it's rather hard to tell with this one. I think that's also part of the fun - the figuring out what that person thinks of you and whether they like you for you or if they're really just digging your 'representative'. It's also a good way to tell if you're the 4 am phone call or the 12 noon call, if you know what I mean. If you don't, you shouldn't even be reading this. LOL. Moving on...

Here are some tips of the trade that I have weaned from previous relationships and '4 am'ers. Please note...this is NOT a self-help book...I do psychology but I am NOT a psychologist, so please. Take this list as the light hearted tidbits of info that it is and NOT as gospel...thanks...

Keeping it "real" with your significant other (aka how to tell when this stops being a 4 am relationship)

1. Don't lay it all out there on the first date. No, seriously. Don't. If he knows what your plans are at 25, 28, 34, and 41, then what is there to talk about on the second date? World peace? Take it easy and pace the conversation...

2. Ok. Here's a big one. It's ok if you tell them how you feel within REASON. My experience with this is that sometimes, you blurt out 'I love you' in the getting to know you phase and scare folk completely away. Yes, be open about your feelings, but don't get all blabberish and tell them how many children you want and in what order after three weeks. That's a really BAD idea...(that is, unless the other person starts the conversation and you are in agreeance. in that case, roll with it, kiddo.)

3. Don't go meet them in a durag, a doobie, and pajamas. Seriously. If this is someone that you are getting to know, and they don't really KNOW you yet, put some sort of effort into your appearance. Like it or not, first impressions really ARE everything.

4. If you are a '4 am'er, you do NOT earn the right to get jealous. The danger of being a 4 am relationship is that if the...ahem...'4 am conversation' is good enough, you start thinking that there could be more and that you are entitled to more. Please be CLEAR on your boundaries and what you are to that person. Remember not to make someone your priority when you are their option. (I am still remembering this, so this is as much for me as it is for the reader) The minute that one of you starts to 'catch feelings' is the minute that it may be time to reevaluate...


5. For my Facebookers that may also double as '4 am'ers...sigh...why do you blow your self up on your resident 4 am'ers page? Seriously? Are you expecting said person to acknowledge you? Be real with yourself: know what role you play in your current relationship status. If this reads as insulting, annoying, or touches a nerve, then chances are this is you and it's time to reevaluate. What, exactly? Do you actually want to be in a 4 am relationship? If you want the whole shebang, then perhaps this is not the route you want...perhaps falling back and looking at YOUR whole picture is your best bet...be real with yourSELF first.

6. Now. Once you have established what time of day relationship this is, and you've made it past the preliminary dating period and into a relationship, this is where 'keeping it real' comes into play. Here's the deal, and it gets no realer...If you cannot:

-pass gas around each other
-show off your stretchmarks outside of the Spanx
-talk about meeting your crazy uncle
-tell your momma (or appropriate family member) about them
-get a land line number (or a work number, whichever)
-wear your own hair out around them
-see each other without the smoke and mirrors of makeup and body products
-do a number 2 while they're in the same house
-argue every now and again and make up
-stop looking through their email, phone, Sidekick, or other PDA advice
-see their email, phone, Sidekick, or other PDA advice
-stop being jealous of platonic relationships with other people
-say I love you and mean it
-meet their best friend

It might be time to reevaluate not only whether you're 'keeping it real', but whether this is the right relationship for you. If you keep the spoiling apple around, eventually, it spoils the other apples in the bushel.

Just a bit of food for thought...

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How "West Injun" are Yuh?

I compiled this list from various other lists of different nationalities. One thing I have noticed about us Caribbean people (read: West Indian) is that more often than not, we have many attributes in common. Below is a very condensed list. Being that I myself am Trini and Bajan, you might find more of that than others. However, I have tried to be as fair and impartial as possible. Despite the way we sometimes behave, we are all one.

With that disclaimer written...come selector!



You know you're from the West Indies when....



- Any hot beverage is considered tea...cocoa tea, bush tea, coffee tea, tea tea, green tea...

- You hate to throw away empty containers for they might come in handy for pepper sauce.

- Cheese on bread ain't got nuttin to do wid being hungry.

- Yuh refer to a bank holiday as a bank holiduh.

- You have 'knick knacks' all over your home.

- You call all hard candy 'sweety'.

- A 'lime' is definitely not a fruit.

- You wash the 'wares' after having dinner.

- You have a bad fall and ya either lick up, break up, skin up or catspraddle.

- Yuh constantly explaining dat de dolphin you does eat is a fish and not a mammal!

- When someone sympathises with you, you comment "Yuh tink it easy?"...OR, when dealing with someone sarcastic, fresh, humorous, or all of the above, yuh get "Oh God yuh ain't easy..."

- You're standing next to plenty luggage and boxes at the airport.

- You point with your lips, or end a conversation with, "Mmhmm".

- You tell the host 'Good Night' when you arrive at someone's home in the evening.

- You think eating salt fish or shark and bake is a great morning meal.

- You drink tea with milk from an enamel cup.

- You show disappointment by sucking your teeth (steupsin).

- You wash and rinse plastic utensils and stryofoam cups and plates.

- You bring home food from a party.

- You chew the ice when you finish your drinks.

- When somebody call ya pon de phone and sa 'wait you still home'? or when da see ya pun de road and ask ya if ya still living.

- You say 'whappenin' even at a funeral.

- Yuh know dat 'hard wine' ain't got nuttin tuh do wid liquor.

- A rubber is an eraser.

- You can feel cold when it is 60 degrees.

- When you ask for pepper you don't mean ground black pepper.

- You have at least one relative living in either England, Canada, or the US.

- You go to school with green mangoes and salt and pepper in your pocket.

- Yuh best friend is yuh girlfriend's bruther.

- You know the difference between a ginnip and a jamoon.

- When you ask for directions, it's something like: "go da'side and tun lef, den go pass de coconut tree and jump ovah de trench and yuh reach" or "make a right at de mango tree. Go all the way down till yuh see three rude boys liming on de block. If yuh see a green house, dat not it, go straight...its the blue house in front of de two dunk trees..."

- You could sing an entire Parang song in Spanish word for word, but if someone asks you, "Como estas?", you say, "Whahappen?"

- You know that using 'blue' makes clothes whiter.

There are so many more, these are just a drop in the bucket. So...how West Indian are yuh?

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Spoken Word of KP's Past

QUASI FEMINISTIC

i think its too late to be a woman ...

too late for the mystery to develop

too late…for ladies to emerge from this 21st century…thing we call women

because ladies can be women but honey…

these women are definitely. not ladies.

we've traded in the feminine mystique for the 9 to 5 deal

and we became working mothers but we

forgot that being a mother is work

and I told you before, you're gonna be pissed at me

but I think the feminist movement is all for naught

because we're getting what we want

but at the cost of ourselves

we forgot our balance

and fell into the trap of those

who want us to be what they are

10:05 am 6.25.08 KP


SECRETIVE

laying in my bed with a feeling so strong...

forgetting my heart, in my mind its wrong

but I want him

aching to touch him and I know its wrong

just wanting to feel the taste of his tongue

and the look in his eyes, so smoldering and deep

and his touches, cliché, I know, but they make me so weak

and I can't understand why fate is such a witch

leaving me with a scratch and forgetting the itch

and its making me sick

'cause he's got me addicted with just one kiss

and I catch myself craving the taste of his lips

its bad and I know that it can't be

and I wish that there was no her, that it was just me

even though there is no she, it just appears to be

and it seems to be

serendipity

which sucks…

for me…



3:47 am 7.2.07 KP



TO ALL MY REAL WOMEN

To all my real women..

On their grind women

All the time women

Doing their thang woman

My sexy women in sweats women

Rocking no makeup women

Beauty on their worst day women

Still keeping it classy women

Know when to pull out the M.A.C. or the Vaseline women

Keeping it smooth women

My beautiful women

Coming in all colors women

Holding it down women

Be it mother or wife

Through the pain and strife

Working day and night

Doing it and doing it right

Be they 9 to 5ers or 5 to 9ers

Making that paper or them pancakes for your brood

Or doing both…either way, you are doing you and doing it well…

We are real women

Beautiful women

Strong women

So hold it down, my women

And for all my not real women

Out there posing

Take a page

From the book

Of a

Real

Woman.

Back to your regularly scheduled program…

4:41 am 1.15.07 KP

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Motherhood & Being Single on the Cusp of 30...and Children's Clothes

I took my little girl school clothes shopping today. Spent 200 dollars easily. SIGH. What annoyed me about this process wasn't spending the money, but the fact that I had to purchase jeans for her 2 sizes bigger than her actual size. Why, you might ask? Because the jeans that they had for little girls are cut like the jeans they have for GROWN WOMEN. I mean, skinny jeans for a 6 year old? What the hell does a 6 year old have use for skinny jeans?? And you know what's worse? The damn things have the nerve to look GOOD on her...

But seriously. What happened to children's clothing looking like it should be on a LITTLE person? Why is it that now, the clothing that should be protecting a child's innocence looks as if it's trying to bring it out prematurely? This phenomenon is one that I have never quite gotten. ...:smh:...

Moving right along...

A friend of mine made a comment today that kind of sat a little uneasily with me. It's not really her fault...I knew what she meant, but it just got me to thinking about how twisted our society is. When a person reaches a milestone birthday, it becomes a time to reevaluate what a person has done or not done, of how many "milestones" they have reached, in essence. Of late, the stigma is one or the other: Am I successful, married, and with/or without kids? or, Am I successful, have I avoided becoming a statistical single parent, etc. And so my friend, inadvertently, pointed out that our friend had not fallen victim to the single parenthood curse.

But why is it a curse? Ok, sure, I know that you are 'supposed' to have kids in marriage. But the marriage rate in this country right now is...hold on, lemme check...About 8 (7.6 to be exact) out of every 1000 people get married. So basic division and percentages...if there are over 300 million people in the US (304,059,724 as of July 2008, according to the US Census Bureau), that means that 67%(+/- 3%) of the country is married. But...about 4 (3.2 to be exact) of this same 1000 people are getting divorced. That's 40% (+/- 3%) of the same population. I could go deeper...but you get my point. Almost half of marriages in this country end in divorce. So with all that said...is it really better to be married, have kids, and play snake eyes at being together? Or is it better to be a single parent with guaranteed love? I mean, I know that's extra broad and a little generalized, but seriously...

Why is it seen as such a curse to be young and have a child? I have a 6 year old...I play hard and work twice as hard and I STILL spend most of my time with my baby girl...granted, I'm a little more tired than most, but it all gets done, and it CAN be done...so why is it seen as SUCH A CRIME? Did I sacrifice some freedom? Of course I did. But it's made to seem like such a negative thing...but if you look at some of the other things going on in society with my generation, I think this pales in comparison. Just some thoughts...

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Marriage and Love and Iowa

So I traveled to Iowa to see my old coworker/friend get married. Of course, every time I mention that I'm going to Iowa, I got "um...Iowa? What's in Iowa?" LOL. After a while, it became a running gag. Anyway...

The days leading up to the wedding were not without stress...the cake, the dresses, doing the junior bridesmaid's hair (never before have I EVER met someone so tender headed - she is worse than my niece), y'know, typical pre wedding issues. But there was no bridezilla here, no obtuse or unreasonable groom...the two people getting married were just as happy as they wanted to be...and even though there was a lot of prep work put into place to make sure that things were 'perfect', they would have been just as happy getting married in a burlap bag in the middle of a corn field. (And, for the record, there are MANY corn fields in Iowa.)

This is the kind of love that I want. Or at least, what I said I wanted until recently. Now, don't worry, I'm not becoming miserably cynical or anything like that. But after hearing a passage from this book, I'm sort of reevaluating love and what we all think about what it is.

At a brunch I catered recently, there was some down time, and the host invited me to join the group discussion. Now, I'm not one to mix and mingle when I'm working, so I kind of worked and listened at the same time (I didn't want to be rude, she HAD asked me to join the discussion), and I'm glad I did. One of the books that one of the guests was talking about was The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. In the chapter "The Track of Love, The Track of Fear", Ruiz talks about love having no conditions, whereas fear is rife with conditions. He notes: "Love is unconditional. Fear is full of conditions. In the track of fear, I love you if you let me control you, if you are good to me, if you fit into the image I make for you. I create an image of the way you should be, and because you are not and never will be the image, I judge you because of that, and find you guilty. Many times I even feel ashamed of you because you are not what I want you to be. If you don't fit that image I create, you embarrass me, you annoy me, I have no patience at all with you. I am just pretending kindness. In the track of love, there is no if, there are no conditions. I love you for no reason, and you are free to be the way you are."

In this journey that I've been taking recently, I've come to learn a lot about myself and who I am. In that, I've learned that my definition of love has evolved drastically. More on that in my next blog...

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People Who Should NEVER Raise Children and the Society that Allows Them To

I know it's been a bit of a gap between my posts, it's just been a bit hectic these past few days!

But anyway. People who ain't got no blasted business with nobody's children. So I take my daughter to the park today because it seemed to be a going to the park kind of day. I sit down on the bench in between a woman and a couple, and before I could even get comfortable enough to watch my kid go down the slide, I hear: "you f&$@!? B$@?!, sit your a?! down before I kick your a&?".

Pause. Lemme breathe and ask this lady who she's talking to before I black out on her.

So I turn and I say, "excuse me?" Then I look where the woman is looking...and I see this poor kid, cowering on the adjacent park bench. I'm sorry?!?!?? Was she talking to the CHILD???!

And this is where my rant begins. We're not even going to get into how distraught the child was, or how the couple next to me giggled, or how the man playing with his kid just shrugged and shook his head. Are you KIDDING me???! Have we really sunk so low as a society that this manner of speaking to a CHILD is ACCEPTABLE??!??!?! It's a CHILD, for Christ's sake!! Is the child the Anti-Christ and I missed it? Am I being Punk'd?

Nowadays, parents befriend their children and this is ok. They tell us not to yell at our children, to do time out instead of getting the belt (debatable, but ok). I KNOW they had to tell us that this type of language was unacceptable, not to mention the level of disrespect it reflects and imposes on the child...and then we wonder why our children grow up to be disrecpectful, travesties of adults? Or the parents who are ok with their girl children wearing pum pum shorts to school (they're cute) or the 14 year old who is so used to cursing around adults that he curses at his basketball coach, a man 30 years his senior? What happened to the respect in our society?

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