The Rambling Caribbean Thinker

kinda almost skinny: The Other Blog.

2011-10-11T18:04:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while...but I just wanted you to get a peek into some of the other things that I do.

kindaalmostskinny.tumblr.com is one of them. It chronicles my weight loss journey. Hopefully, it will inspire and/or aid some of you. Check it out when you get a second.

I'll be back with another blog soon.

xoxo
KP

Baby Mama Drama: The Truth

2011-06-12T19:51:00.000-04:00

I was chatting a few days ago with an acquaintance of mine who also is friends with the father of my eight year old. At the time, I didn’t realize that they knew each other. (It’s funny how small the world is sometimes.) At any rate, said acquaintance was discussing how impressed they were with how well-mannered, intelligent and well taken care of my daughter is, and noted that they wished more ‘baby moms’ (insert cringe here) were like that. He then went on to cite some of the drama that another friend of his was going through with the mother of his child. Ironically…said friend happened to be my daughter’s father. When I made the connection, I turned to said acquaintance and said: “How ironic…particularly because none of that is true…not even a little bit…” He was stunned and felt bad, and pointed out that the person that he knew me to be didn’t fit the description he’d heard at all – nor had he ever heard me utter anything negative about said father. (Well of course not, 1. You’re an acquaintance and 2. It’s no one’s business but my circle.)

I digress.

This brings me to my gripe for the day: how often do you hear about ‘disrespectful baby mamas’ whom are ‘jilted’ because they are no longer with said person? Who are only in it for the ‘child support’? Who makes their child’s father’s lives a living hell? I am certain everyone is familiar with this person, this particular stereotype. However, what about the converse? What about the single mother who is none of these things? Or, even better, what about the other side of the coin? How do we know that what we are hearing about said ‘baby mama’, traditionally from the father and/or the new young lady in said life, is actually what is…well…true?

Many of us who are reading this thread are single mothers or know single mothers. Every woman who is a mother has the potential to become a single mother – married women get divorced, women in relationships get out of relationships, etc., etc. The strain that a newborn child can bring into a relationship is a challenge – and has been the demise of many a relationship. The point is, there are many single mothers here. Period. Having said that…the stigma surrounding the ‘single mother’ is always a generalized and trite description that I, even though it does not apply to me, tend to be offended by, and this offense became fueled by a blog I read by my girl Carrie Pink, called “Dealing With The Spiteful Baby Mama.. As the New Girlfriend/Wife” In the blog, the discussion is based on a single mother who is disappointed, if you will, in the current status of the relationship with the father of her child, and thus does things that are spiteful to the new person in the man’s life.

I know women like this. I’ve seen it happen, and every time I see it happen I am apt to shake my head. However, after listening to the acquaintance who explained how he perceived me in someone else’s eyes, not realizing that we were the same person, it made me wonder if there weren’t other scenarios that were similar in nature. What if the behavior that was being exhibited by the single mother was perceived as coming from a place of anger, but in reality was far from, and was, in fact, a justified response?

Scene: Shaynii* has been raising little Alexandra* for the better part of six years. The father of her child, Miles*, is around…but it is inconsistent and he provides little to no fiscal assistance. He does care, and he does do things for said child, but he makes the minimal effort with regard to the upbringing/needs of his child. He and Shaynii deal off and on at first until Shaynii finally decides that she can no longer deal with the on again, off again relationship, so she ends it. He begins to finally see someone consistently, and introduces said person to Shaynii because he would like for this person to meet Alexandra.

Shaynii and Jocelyn* hit it off initially, and both agree that they would like to avoid the traditional drama that surrounds these sorts of relationships. As time goes on, however, Jocelyn pulls away from Shaynii as her and Miles become more serious. Shaynii brushes this off as she realizes that Miles is worried that she may tell Jocelyn things about his past that he doesn’t want her to know. She continues raising Alex the best way she knows how, and continues to include Miles in the upbringing, all the while attempting to keep an open line of communication with Jocelyn, who is no longer receptive.

As the issue of child support becomes more prevalent, Miles claims that he does everything for Alex that he should. Shaynii disagrees and points out the challenges/lack of support. More and more, she notices that when Jocelyn comes around, she is rude and curt to her, despite Shaynii being cordial, and fuels Miles’ flames if he disagrees with something that Shaynii does. Shaynii repeatedly asks to sit with both Miles and Jocelyn to have an open discussion, so that they are all on the same page – she is concerned that Alex will begin to pick up on the negative vibes. In the midst of this, Miles tries to make a move on Shaynii. Shaynii refuses. Finally, it is revealed that Jocelyn has no interest in having this conversation, she doesn’t see the need.

Shaynii is beyond frustrated, she has been hearing her daughter come home with sayings that are contrary to the way that she would like for her to be raised, and more and more she is noticing that Jocelyn is revealing private information between adults to her child. More importantly, Miles has not been contributing at all to Alex fiscally, nor is he aware of anything that is going on in her school and extra-curricular activities, outside of what Alex chooses to tell him. Finally, Shaynii decides to pursue child support. Miles and Jocelyn are incensed.

Within this particular scenario, would “Shaynii” – maintain the right to have an ‘attitude’, if you will, with her child’s father? Would this be considered a woman being spiteful or scorned? Perhaps a better question is: how many other women find themselves with their backs against the wall, and, left with no other alternative, do what they feel is the best thing to do considering the circumstance, only to be labeled ‘spiteful’? What if what has been said about the child’s mother isn’t actually true?

In human nature, we as people tend to feed into the negativity – that is, we are quick to believe the worst that we hear about people without ever questioning the validity of said information. It is, indeed, the nature of gossip as a whole – the stuff that tabloids and reality television are made of – where we as people listen to the dramatic stories and, based on the deliverer of said story, believe wholeheartedly what is said. It never dawns on us that perhaps what is being said isn’t true, that you can believe half of what you see and even less of what you hear. With that being said, I pose this final question: how many times have you made an assumption about someone you didn’t know, particularly a ‘baby mama’, without actually examining the situation for what it is?

Share your thoughts…

*Note: Names have been changed for the purpose of this blog.

Life is Short.

2011-06-05T13:51:00.000-04:00

I’ve learned that there are lots of people who don’t know how to deal with their inner demons and emotions – and as a result, they hold grudges. I learned this because when I was younger, I was the same way. I’ve learned that there are lots of people who don’t know or understand how to deal with their feelings – and so they lock them away. I learned this from experience and because, to a certain extent, I still do this, too. I’ve learned that perfectionists have a difficult time accepting flaws and excuses in others – and even more in themselves – and that this aspect of perfectionism is not healthy. I learned this because…well…I am a perfectionist.

There is a lot going on in everyone’s life at any given moment. Some people smile to hold on to the tears, while others let them rip, whether they want them to or not. Others absorb themselves in activity to hide their issues. Others run from their problems. Perhaps they’ll stay as far away from reality as possible and crucify those who introduce reality to them. Others even still create problems where there are none because they’d rather deal with conflict than the choice of happiness. There is always something in someone’s life that gives them pause, that causes them to want to retreat, that tires them out.

What I am learning in all that I have going on is that life is short. Life is too short to lose what is important to you. It is too short to live unhappily. It is too short to beat yourself up over mistakes, and it is too short to hold a grudge. It is too short not to forgive. You don't ever have to forget, and you should take every lesson in as it comes...but stop looking for reasons not to live and enjoy your life. It's too short not to...and too many of us do.

Television Graveyard

2011-05-24T10:14:00.000-04:00

It’s funny how random thoughts pop into my head sometimes.

I know that I’ve mentioned reality TV’s supply and demand on here a time or two before. We en masse have a tendency to look for the things that are entertaining (ie drama, madness and mayhem), and, thus far, reality TV has provided that in spades. It is the same reason that we used to watch sitcoms back in the day – they provided us with entertainment value. The only difference is that actors and actresses are on sitcoms, while reality TV stars are…well…not acting.

Not really, anyway. But moving on.

Last night, I was watching My Wife and Kids reruns on Nick at Nite, you all remember, the one with Damon Wayans and Tisha Campbell-Martin? I don’t really watch TV much, but I do enjoy me some Nick at Nite. As I was watching the show, somewhere in between Damon Wayans’ character making his usual fatherly cracks at his TV son, it dawned on me…

Do we even have any shows like this anymore?

What do I mean by shows like this? Okok. Let’s think about this for a second. In general, the television sitcom ruled our late 70’s and early 80’s existence. Sitcoms were in rare form at the time, and actors and actresses such as Carroll O’Connor, Bill Cosby, Redd Foxx, Meredith Baxter-Birney, Phylicia Rashad, and countless others kept us glued to the TV with their biases and their thoughts – in an entertaining yet enlightening way. Oh, sure, it wasn’t always roses on their shows…but there was always a lesson to learn and something positive to get out of it. Delving deeper into the heart of the matter, the 80’s dawned powerhouse shows for African Americans such as The Cosby Show, A Different World, and 227, all shows that talked about the struggles of everyday African Americans, and how they overcame such obstacles. And, of course, they made us laugh. (To this day, I will never ever hide a piercing from my parents thanks to Theo Huxtable. And I’m an adult with a child of my own. LOL.)

In watching “My Wife and Kids”, though, I realized that we don’t have any shows like this anymore, at all. Think about it. I did. I went through the commercials I’d seen (in my head). I went through my Twitter timeline. I even posed the question on my Facebook page and to my cousins, who I affectionately call “The View”. Wanna see some of the responses? Look below…

From FB:

“The Cosby show..... even tho that was.....quite a long time ago... “

“Actually, I'm gonna raise my hand and say 'Friends' - Aisha Tyler, a great comedienne, played a short role as Ross' girlfriend, a scientist who had won the Nobel Prize *twice*…”

From “The View” (my cousins):

“There are none-not one.”

“No. I cannot think of one.”

“The Oprah show.. Oprah herself portrays black women in a positive way ,intelligent thought, imaginative. Behind the scenes at Oprah shows a brilliant black woman running Harpo.”

From Random Folk

“Damn…um…I dunno…wait, lemme think…”

“Define positive lololol…The last sitcom like reality show was runs house…That was positive…”

Are you sensing the pattern?

I’m a bit verklempt at this thought. No, seriously. In 2011…with an African American president…where one of the biggest media names in the business is an African American woman…why is it that the only television shows that we have on with a predominantly African American cast portray us as ghetto? Hood? Granted, my girl Carrie Pink pointed out that the VH1 reality show “Toya: A Family Affair” shows Antonia Carter, mother of Lil Wayne’s child, headed in a positive direction…and I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that Chandra Wilson of ABC’s “Grey’s Anatomy” fame plays a no nonsense doctor on the hit series, written and produced by Shonda Rhimes, an African American woman…plus my other friend pointed out on FB that Blair Underwood plays the President of the United States on the NBC sitcom “The Event”.

But after those…then what?

I got an opportunity to go to the Celebrity Apprentice Live Finale this past weekend, and so I hobnobbed with the best while I watched all of the celebrities come back for the finale to talk about their experience. Of course, the most watched portion of the show was NeNe Leakes and Star Jones going back and forth…again. As much as what Nene said about Star was true, the point that Star valiantly tried to make was also true: Nene’s behavior bespoke of an inability to express herself in a professional manner without getting ghetto and trite, and it gave the impression that when backed into a corner, that’s all “we” do. Now, of course this isn’t true…and yes, much happens in the name of entertainment, but how can we prove it when that is our television ‘reality’?

I’m going to do a bit of research on this first, and come back with a part two, but for now, what do you think? Am I wrong?

Not Many of Us Have Them...

2011-05-18T09:14:00.000-04:00

I have a friend who’s mad at me that helped me anyway because I needed it.

Those are the kinds of friends I have.

Those are the kinds of friends everyone should have.

I realize, though, that everyone doesn’t have those kinds of friends. And, like it or not, everyone needs friends. Everyone needs someone that they can talk to, bounce ideas off of, cry if they need to, laugh with, work out with, wake up in a jail cell together like “damn…they got us, son…” (not that I’ve ever done that…*looks away*), and so on and so forth. Sometimes your friends are also your family…I know that I can call my sister with anything in the world and she’s got me, and not just because she’s my sister. (Many of us have family we love but don’t really like.)

Everybody needs somebody sometimes.

But many of us don’t have those kinds of friends, and sometimes, we don’t even know it. A good friend uplifts. They don’t leave you to your own devices, grown or not, because they know that sometimes, even grownups make bad decisions, and though you can’t control someone’s every move, you can do whatever is in your power to make sure that people are aware that they’re not making the best decision. A good friend will tell you that they think you’re fucking up (if you are), they will tell you “(s)he’s not the right one for you”, they will take the drink that’s going to be one drink too many out your hand and pour it out, and they will do things like go out of their way to get you information you need, even though they’re busy as hell.

Or maybe that’s just my group of friends.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. (Lol. I know.) Or, more to the point, I suppose, friends don’t let friends get so wasted when they know they shouldn’t. Sure, drinking is fun, but puking is NOT. And if they do get that wasted (because it DOES happen), friends should be the ones that are making sure your chin doesn’t hit the porcelain throne while you ultimately bring back up what you put down while standing on the bar yelling,”shots shots shots!”. Or they hold the puke bag and clean up afterwards. They make sure you get home okay. And they do NOT put it up on social media websites for their amusement. #imjustsaying

Your friends should be a second family to you – catching you and calling you out on self-destructive behaviors, being another support system for you, etc. And yes, every friend has their purpose, all of my friends don’t do all of these things for me all at once…but they would and I’m sure of it. If I were to fall – literally or figuratively – they would catch me. If you have a friend and you don’t think they would do that for you…

It’s time to get a new set of friends.

#thatsallimsaying

Hey Kettle, the Pot's Calling with Something to Say

2011-05-10T12:04:00.000-04:00

It’s been a minute since I talked about marriage, hasn’t it?

Well now, since you’ve brought it up…

I guess I should throw kids into the mix too, balance it all out?

Now if only to figure out where to begin…

Okay. I’ve got it.

My girl Carrie Pink has her own blog that she contributes to on a regular basis, and her words always get me thinking about the things that I think about on a regular basis even more. In yesterday’s musings, she brought up an excellent topic about naming your child after you if you are not married. In her writings, she notes: “I understand women in relationships often feel pressures from fathers who want the children you birth for them to have their last name but why? Why should you give up the option of one family name? Particularly if you don’t live together? and have made no commitment towards being an entire FAMILY and how many of those fathers are by your side today? How long after the birth of the child were you forced to raise the child alone… Now here you are honoring a person who isnt even actively involved… Passing on a last name is a honor and is one that should be reserved for those who not only deserve it but earn it as well, post deilvery… Moms need to celebrate themselves and keep their families intact… More than just physically but emotionally and psychologically too… Having numerous last names in your home psychologically creates an unnecessary divide… No one belongs, because everyone’s name is different…”

You can read more about Carrie’s take on the state of the black family here, on her very iPad friendly site...;o)

So, of course, this got me to thinking about…well, me. But not just me…many people out there who may find themselves in similar situations. When Father’s Day rolls around, I always wish my daughter’s father a happy Father’s Day. Those of you who know me and know my current situation are probably wondering why that is, considering he a. does not wish me the same on Mother’s Day, and b. redefines the meaning of the word ‘jerk’. A large portion of this is as a result of my upbringing. My mother taught me always to be nice, even when that person isn’t being nice to you…why? Because the only thing that being angry does is hurt you…that other person doesn’t care if you’re angry or hurt, it’s not fazing them…only you. The other thing she always taught me is that karma is a bitch and it always, always comes back around. Always.

When I had my daughter, I did, indeed, give my child her father’s last name. Why? I didn’t think otherwise. It never occurred to me that we would reach the extent that we did, that we would be feuding the way that we are. It never dawned on me that I didn’t have to. At any rate, it doesn’t matter to me now that I know what I have to do, nor am I here to sit down and talk about me. Rather, I’d like to talk to my younger generation right now. I'm going to jump around, rambler that I am, for a minute...I promise they're all connected though.

My ladies…listen to me. The institution of marriage is DYING, and so is loyalty. Remember the stats from “The Sanctity of Divorce”? Half of our marriages are GOING…don’t believe me? Check out Arnold and Maria...Scarlett and Ryan…Tony and Eva…and that’s just in the last six months…and I’m not judging, everyone knows their personal limits and they know what they can and cannot tolerate…but at the same time…I really still feel that sometimes, we forget just why we marry…for better or worse.

But more importantly, ladies (and some gentlemen), riddle me this. Why intentionally get yourself into a predicament where you wind up being forced to, in essence, care for a life on your own, when you don’t have to? You should never choose to be a single mom. Take it from someone with experience. It’s not a healthy choice…for all parties involved. As the “pot” talking to you “kettles”, I can honestly say that I wished that I’d waited until my daughter’s father put that ceremonial piece of jewelry on my “life pulse” as he always said that he would before I made the decision that I made. Yes, I know, marriage does not guarantee forever, but it’s a step in the right direction 9 times out of 10. It is also the reason that there will be no more children on this end without a band/ true commitment.

And you should demand the same…because you deserve it. I don’t believe in settling…and it doesn't matter how unhappy my situation makes me at times, I know that I have no intention of settling or downplaying my power ever again. I am determined to be happy…and you should be, too.

What do you think? Do you think that children out of wedlock should be named after their mother or father? Do you think that women should choose to be single mothers, or wait for a committed relationship/marriage? What is your opinion on the current state of marriage?

A Year Later...

2011-05-03T00:00:00.000-04:00

And I still cry.

Yes, I said cry.

Those of you who know the tumultuous relationship my shorty and I had may not understand why I’m still so upset. Why I still think about her. It’s hard because sometimes she really was the only one that got it without me having to say a word. At the same time, she knew just how to drive me absolutely, utterly inSANE. It was this insanity that was too much to deal with.

But I wish I told her that.

There’s so much that I wish I told her. Things that she needed to hear so desperately, things that maybe would have resulted in her still being here. The day I thought of her, two weeks before she died, I wish I had went with the feeling I had to call her. She really would have been tickled with all that I was doing. And I would have been proud that she finally got her shit together.

Separation is good for relationships and friendships sometimes. It is when you begin to fear telling your friend the things they need to hear, when you dread telling them or asking them certain things because you don’t want to get into it with them, that there is a problem. My life lesson in my shorty passing is to never hold on to the things that are on your mind heavily, that you need to ask or query or say. There is nothing wrong with telling your friend about themselves if they need to be told about themselves. Yes, this may cause conflict, but a friendship, a true friendship, ain’t a friendship if you all don’t fuss at each other sometimes.

The past few months have been quite the emotional rollercoaster, in part because I knew this day was coming and in part because there’s so much in me that people need to hear…but I started to do the same thing again. I started to hold on to what I was feeling, held on to the things my friends needed to hear, the tough questions, because I have enough conflict in my life and I don’t need conflict from my friends. Remembering my shorty made me remember that I swore never to ever do that again.

So if you are my friend...and you read this…know that anything I ask, anything that I say to you, is never meant with malicious intent. It’s always in love and 9 times out of 10 it is something that you needed to hear. And I want the same thing done for me. Yes, I’m stubborn and yes, I have a LOT of pride…but I believe that friends should be able to tell friends the hard, not so great things about them, and be able to ask the tough questions, without fear that the friendship will die. If it does…then it wasn’t a true friendship.

As for my shorty…what can I say. I hope you and Alex are up there chilling, playing cards with Viola June, shooting the shit and giving my babes a hug. Do me a favor? Tell my Auntie I did what she told me to do. And that she was absolutely right.

No matter how we parted, I will always miss you, C.

Emotion Commotion

2011-04-22T13:37:00.000-04:00

“N!gga, stop playing with my effing emotions!!!”

“I’m over you and your petty condescending bullshit!!!”

“You stupid c?cksucker…”

Now that I have your attention…

None of the above statements are true. They could be, though. They very well could be.

I’ve been avoiding Twitter and Facebook for a while because my emotions are at an all-time high, more so than even the norm. I’ve been going through the motions, for lack of a better word. It’s not because I’m looking at thirty. One of the things that I always say about thirty is, “one of the biggest mistakes that many of us in our late twenties make is that we get so caught up in the plan that we forget that plans should be made with room for a margin of error”. (No Need to Panic coming soon! www.noneedtopanickp.com -->shameless plug)

So it’s not that. What is it, then?

It’s quite simple. I’m lonely.

GASP!!

What is a successful business woman and mother doing saying such things? You should be comfortable in your own skin! You should be able to survive and thrive without needing someone in your life! Huh? What kind of independent woman are YOU?

I’m an independent, successful woman who gets lonely sometimes. Simple.

And I’m not afraid to say it.

The problem with many of us as independent women is that we deny ourselves of the simple pleasure of companionship. Sometimes, it is a need, and a simple one. We tell ourselves that being confident in ourselves is enough, that we don’t need a man, we want one, we can do it all without them, yadda yadda yadda.

Ladies, please, do me a favor. Stop playing yourself.

If you are one of those women who say that to the world but you have your jumpoff that you get some from on a semi regular basis because you need the ‘release’ and then you’re good for a while, then you are playing yourself.

If you are one of those women who have shut off your emotions because he hurt you and cheated on you and you refuse to be hurt again so you shut off completely and become this bitch who sees something wrong with every man that you see, then you are playing yourself.

If you are a woman who screams to the world that you “don’t need a man” because a vibrator will do, then YOU ARE PLAYING YOURSELF.

Please do me a favor. Stop the madness.

I’m not here saying that you need a man per se. You do need companionship, however. Being alone all the time is unnatural and emotionally unhealthy. It is emotionally unhealthy because everyone, regardless of who they are, needs somebody sometimes. Period. End of story. You need to release the emotions because if you don’t, they build up to an unhealthy crescendo and then get released in a negative manner. And it’s not something that your homegirl can provide for you, it’s different and we all know it.

Some of us just try to deny that. We try to convince ourselves that we don’t need it, that’s it’s an option, that we’re okay without it, and that is called lying to yourself. Some of you are going to continue to deny it even after I’ve said it, you’re going to dispute what I’m saying, and that’s okay, if that’s what you feel that you need to do. I won’t even argue with you about it. Just know that you can lie to me if you feel you must…but don’t lie to yourself. Don’t do yourself that injustice. The reality of it is, we all need someone…and just because you are still able to make it through life without it, doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. It doesn’t mean that you are truly living, either.

But that’s another blog for another time.

Personally, I know that I need some companionship in my life. I’d love to have someone that’s my own that I can trust implicitly that can talk me down off of the proverbial ledge that my perfectionist neuroses puts me on sometimes…and sometimes, that person is just not another woman. (I mean, it can be for you, if that’s your preference, ladies. But I think you know what I mean.) I have a lot going on in my personal life that I don’t talk about a lot, and it gets really heavy sometimes. (A lot of times.) And yes, I still function and yes, I still do what I have to do, this goes without saying...but...I could use a hug and some reassurance that it’s going to be okay. I’m not ashamed to say it, either.

I actually applaud the women who are not afraid of emotions and being emotional. It takes a lot to be able to release that, and I actually think that people in touch with their emotions are stronger than they seem. It is a powerful thing to be in touch with your emotions and to let them free. Controlled ego freak that I am, it’s a hard thing for me to do.

But anyway.

That’s my diatribe. For now. I’ll get over it. I always do.

Thoughts?

A Lesson in Less Humility...Self-Analysis 3 (The Year Before 30 Series)

2011-04-02T03:35:00.000-04:00

I always get a little bit uncomfortable when someone genuinely compliments me. Seriously.

As a budding business owner and entrepreneur, I find myself constantly making moves and doing things the way that I think that they should be done. I am not a person that does anything small – every idea that I have is big, and the perfectionist in me always wants to execute every idea in the same manner, which, in turn, forces me to make big moves. This is not me being a braggart in any way, shape, or form. I just know that this is how I am. With that comes the obsessive compulsive personality in me that wants to “go hard or go home”. My work ethic is such that once I get an idea in my head and get around to executing it, there is nothing small about what I want to do. In essence, I get things done, if for no other reason than my own personal sanity.

As a result of me getting things done, my perfectionist nature is also such that whatever I do; must be done right; or I will absolutely refuse to put my name to it. Because of this, I accomplish a lot, and the people that I know follow what I am trying to accomplish tend to look up to me and admire what I do, which I don’t really have a problem with, especially since I admire them, for the most part. But when I hear certain compliments directed towards me, I brush them off or I downplay them. I’m not fishing for compliments, either. I just genuinely try to comprehend what they are seeing. Yes, I know that I am talented, and yes, I know that I do a lot and do it well, but why are you buttering me up? And no, please don’t look up to me, it’s too much pressure, because if I fall, will you catch me? Or are you one of the ones waiting to watch me fall?

This quality of mine, from my understanding, is called humility. It stems from my belief that at any given moment, I could lose the ability to execute all the ideas and plan all the activities and handle what needs to be handled and be talented because I was not grateful for the gift(s) that were given to me. It comes naturally to me to downplay any compliments that I receive because, again, sometimes I 1. question the person’s motives, or 2. don’t want to be placed on a pedestal. It’s a long way down from a pedestal, you know?

On the other hand…I do know that it is healthy to every now and again recognize and acknowledge a compliment when one is given. Earlier, after a conversation that I had with a friend of mine, I was curious to know how one member of my inner circle perceived me – and I was surprised by what I heard. The word ‘regal’ still sticks out in my head as a phrase never having been associated with me before – and I won’t deny, I was beyond touched at the association. So I am learning that to acknowledge my personal blessings and receive compliments is not such a bad thing.

Every day I get a touch closer to own personal self-enlightenment.

Scared to Settle

2011-03-27T12:01:00.000-04:00

I might have settled if I hadn’t gotten that phone call that day.

Or, rather, not gotten that phone call.

I’ll explain this later.

We are so cynical in this day and age. To be considered a romantic, be it a hopeless one or otherwise, is usually considered silly and inappropriate. After all, there is no such thing as your soul mate, and if there is, there might be more than one…you have to make things work with someone if they’re not working, there’s no such thing as the perfect person…I could go on.

So why do I have a hard time believing this?

Allyuh know I like to define things that are on my mind so as to have a clear path to explain my thoughts down the road, and this time is, of course, no different. My man Merriam Webster defines a soul mate as “a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament”. While that definition is exceedingly vague, its meaning is not. Your soul mate should complement your nuances, all of them. And this doesn’t mean that they should be exactly like you, now. In fact…being exactly like someone is boring. I like the tiny conflicts that come from disagreements. I like being able to debate topics. I like to have balance.

I talk about topics like this because they have a way of becoming recurring themes in my life. With my circle all approaching 30 this year (if they didn’t already turn 30 last year), those of us that aren’t married or in committed relationships find ourselves unwittingly wondering if we will ever meet that fabled ‘soul mate’…or if we already have. Now having said that...

Wait. I haven’t been random in a long time. Lemme jump for a second.

I have this recurring dream that I am stood up at the altar. It’s been a recurring dream for the past four years. I’ve analyzed it from every angle, every perspective, every viewpoint (and why not? I’ve been having the same dream for years!), and I always come back to the fact that I’m scared to give my all to one person for fear of being abandoned. The fear of abandonment, for me, is a valid fear. If you know me, you know this to be true. In this dream, once or twice, the person who stood me up was none other than the original Disappearing Acts. ~~When you take into consideration, though, that he happens to be a lying sack of shit…~~There is no worry that he will do that in real life, though.

*cues MJ “She’s Gone from My Life*

Anyway…

More recently, I had a dream that I left someone standing at the altar. I dreamt that one of my best friends talked me into marrying someone I was seeing because they were good for me, but when I got to the front of the church to say “I do”, I had a panic attack and couldn’t do it, so I left him there. I won’t tell you what happened in the rest of the dream (that’s a topic for a whole ‘nother blog), but what I will tell you is that this dream caused me as much anxiety as the last one. Me? Leave someone at the altar?

Wait…me?? SETTLE?

The only way I could ever imagine myself leaving someone at the altar is if I knew that I was settling and I couldn’t live with that choice. I am big on being happy. So big on it, in fact, that I set my life up in such a manner so that I can, indeed, be happy. With that said…I couldn’t imagine settling for someone, no matter how much I fear ending up alone. Yes, there are times that you have to work with the person that you are with – but that’s not settling, and that’s not what I mean by settling. Just because someone loves you doesn’t mean that they are the right person for you. The right person, in my eyes, is not just someone that loves you. There are a lot of people that love me.

But…

The right person, in my eyes, is the person that you can’t get out of your mind, even when you try…the person that makes you better…that knows your flaws and accepts them, but doesn’t try to change them…yet they work with you on them…the person that takes the time to understand you, your loves, and your nuances…who supports you unconditionally but isn’t afraid to tell you that you’re effing up…they are the person that you find yourself sharing everything with, even the things you never wanted to share…the person that you couldn’t imagine not being in your life, even when they piss you off (and they will).

And so on and so forth.

The person for me is the person that makes me feel all of that, all of the above and then some. So I was sick to my stomach when I realized this morning that I almost settled for someone who wasn’t that. When I was trying to be in a relationship a while back, I was all set to go on a trip to meet this person’s family for the holidays…but it didn’t happen. I never got the phone call that they were on their way. Why didn’t it happen? The details are not as important as the revelation that this person didn’t want what I wanted, for one reason or another…but more importantly, if this person left my life, I wouldn’t miss them.

And I can’t be with someone who I wouldn’t miss if they weren’t around. Neither should you.

Only time will tell if I will have to settle for less than what I truly want. Yes, everyone has a soul mate…but I don’t think everyone gets to be with that person. Life has a way of throwing curve balls into the mix. So only time will tell what will happen…but as much as I fear being alone…I fear settling even more.

So I won’t.

My Mother's Child

2011-03-18T07:58:00.000-04:00

As a child growing up, I always aligned myself with my father more than my mother. Understand that I loved both of my parents dearly, and I still do. It was just a…thing for me. I didn’t see what I had in common with my mother. Why, you ask? My father was the logical thinker. Anything he did was based on a logical train of thought that led to a well thought out conclusion. Not so much with my mother. My mother was a creature of more than just habit. Passive aggressive by nature, she often let her emotions guide her thoughts, actions, and deeds.

I was telling a friend of mine just yesterday that growing up with parents that were significantly older than the average parental unit left me feeling older than I was for years. As a child growing up, I would often examine situations and scenarios with a certain air of adult thought processes that endeared me to my parents’ friends but alienated me from my peers. It is with that thought process that I would examine my mother’s behaviors and, subsequently, endear myself with my father. After all, despite how I felt about a situation, I knew how to tackle my emotions and learned how not to let said emotions affect my decision making process.

I don’t know when I evolved into my mother’s child.

Somewhere in my growth process, somewhere in the process of me “preparing for 30”, I have become my mother’s child. I have allowed my emotions on certain topics to make decisions for me – decisions that five years ago, I wouldn’t even have remotely considered. Your emotions, when they make decisions for you, are a dangerous thing. They have the power to make you ignore your moral compass…or to make impulsive decisions…or to even hold on to inappropriate thoughts and feelings. It was the very thing that I criticized my mother about constantly…the very thing that I have found myself, in recent years, doing.

I am my mother’s child. I am more of my mother’s child than I ever imagined. It is not something that I am proud of. Please do not misunderstand me. I LOVE my mother. And I am glad that I have aspects of her in me. Just not this aspect. Acting on emotions was never something that I ever wanted to do…and it’s something that I am working on fixing. Yes, I know…you can’t control how you feel…but I am damn sure gonna try.

Guard Up...Self-Analysis 2 (The Year Before 30 Series)

2011-02-26T02:59:00.000-05:00

There is something about being guarded that intrigues and saddens me all at once.

I’ve always seen myself as this open and honest person, always willing to place my feelings, no matter what they may be, out there on the line for all to examine. When it comes to the people that I am closest to, however, I clam up. At first, I thought that it was a recent thing, but when I go back into my archives, I realize that this is a recurring trend for me.

Why is that?

I don’t do it all the time. It’s a Sagittarius trait, I believe, not so much a phase that I go through, but more so an approach to what I say and when I say it. It is an unconscious fear of being judged – of revealing too much, if you will. I believe that we all do it in varying aspects of our relationships, but I’ve realized this week that I do it much more than I think. I’ve had no less than three people (one of my best friends, one a very close friend, and then my cousin, all in that order) this week tell me the same thing.

I am guarded. But why?

I think about the things that I tend to self-filter…the things that I don’t say sometimes when every instinct screams, “say what you’re thinking, KP…” I think about what makes me immediately stop myself from saying it all. Sometimes, it is out of genuine fear of the reaction from the party I’m speaking to, sort of like when you reveal just how deeply you feel for someone, knowing that they didn’t want to know or they don’t feel the same way – that feeling of “why the hell did I just say that?” Other times, it is a simple moment of not wanting to become so vulnerable that the person you are talking to has a reason, any reason, to think differently of you, to use any of the information against you for any reason whatsoever.

It’s a weird feeling that I cannot explain. Every time I feel myself becoming entirely too vulnerable, saying too much, if you will, I clam up. Sometimes I do it obviously – other times, it is a subtle retreat, a retreat that even I sometimes do not notice, until someone else points it out (as one of my best friends pointed out, I ‘filter’ sometimes). More often than not, it is my defense mechanism, as well as my way of not being burdensome. Being an overactive thinker, I know in my heart that when I really start to spill my thoughts, I mean really spill, I can be intense…and then I feel bad for being so intense. I’m always thinking about what someone else’s feelings are – maybe they don’t feel like hearing about my shit over and over.

Even as I tell them it is okay to talk to me.

As of late, I am overtly conscious of my actions with the people that I care about, in part because while I could care less about the masses’ opinions of me, I do care about how the people I care about view me. With all of the varying assessments of me that I’ve heard this week, I am reminded why I don’t care about other people’s opinions very much – you can become obsessed with it. And whereas I am grateful for the blunt honesty that I received this week, somewhat of a reality check – I often wonder if it will make a difference in the person that I am – or, moreover, if I will finally decide to just let loose and stop guarding myself.

*shrugs* We’ll see. I’m working on it.

The Side Chick

2011-02-13T16:10:00.000-05:00

So I wasn’t going to comment on a lot of the statuses/posts/tweets I’ve been seeing this weekend.

I know, I know. I always speak my mind, right? So why different this time?

I wasn’t going to comment because I didn’t think it needed my “Caribbean Rambler” stamp on it.

But...after seeing this for what seems like the 100^th time today, I felt the need to say a quick something about it.

First off, Happy National Side Chick Day!!! (e-confetti, glitter spins) O_o

(Yup, I’m going there today.)

I almost want to post this to Facebook and tag all the people this weekend that I’ve seen address this over the weekend, but there is a tag limit on these things, I know. Not to mention that you don’t need me to tell you who you are. You know who you are.

I didn’t realize that today was a national holiday – the precursor before Valentine’s Day, if you will. I mean, never mind that Valentine’s Day is such a day of mixed emotions – the lonely and bitter ones cursing the day because they’re lonely, the happy ones posting all of their Valentine’s Day goodies, the lonely and hopeful landing somewhere in the middle…Valentine’s Day in and of itself has the potential to cause lots of drama. I mean, as we all know (prepare for sarcasm), Valentine’s Day is the only day of the year that one can express their appreciation for the ones that they love. Husbands, boyfriends, do me and yourselves a favor this upcoming V-Day: make sure you get your shorty something, if you ever intend on getting buns today or in the near future. If she says she doesn't want something, she is lying. Trust me. Even if she insists. She wants something. She wants you to get it anyway.

But this post is not for the happily/unhappily/situations in love.

This post is for the side chick in all of us.

I just want to start off by saying that I don’t say this to encourage infidelity. For myself, I have never cheated on anyone I’ve been with a day in my life, which becomes interesting when you assess that at least half of the people I have been with cannot say the same. (I’m not bitter. Seriously. No sarcasm. It’s all a lesson learned.) I firmly believe that if you’re with dude or shorty, and you’re not happy, and you have the power with which to either fix the problem or leave, then do so. Cheating solves nothing and complicates everything.

Having said that…

Raise your hand if you’ve been or know a side chick.

(raises hand, patiently waits)

There should be a lot more hands up than there are right now. *raises eyebrow*

OK. OK. I’ll stop. I’m not blowing anyone’s spot today.

What I will say is this: there are a lot of us out there, using social media as a platform with which to be uber judgmental. As many people as I’ve seen putting down the ‘side chick’ these past few days, how many of those same people have side chicks? Know side chicks? Encourage the side chick phenomenon? Hell, how many of your parents have been the/encouraged the side chick thing?

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Now, again, I don’t condone behavior or encourage it. I’m not offering an opinion on the side chick one way or the other. But if there is one thing I have learned these past few years, it is this: you can never walk in someone’s shoes unless you’ve walked in their shoes. And it is with that said that I say this: stop playing out the side chick. Leave them be and stop pointing the finger. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and actions, and I don’t care what you think you might do or not do or what you think something is, you can never say unless you’ve been there. Everyone has a higher power to answer to eventually. Let them answer to it. ~~After all…lots of you pointing the finger have a/are the side chick, aren’t you? *wink* #imjustsaying…~~

That is all.

Logic vs Emotion - Self Analysis 1 (The Year Before 30 Series)

2011-01-30T09:25:00.000-05:00

Logic: 2. a particular method of reasoning or argumentation; 4. convincing forcefulness; inexorable truth or persuasiveness [dictionary.com]

Emotion: c : a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioural changes in the body [m-w.com]

It is always an interesting phenomenon when logic and emotion interrelate within the same space. I chose to define the two words because, as you all who follow my musings well know by now, I have a tendency to analyze and even overanalyze scenarios until I can either make sense of them, or until at least I am in enough of a position to deal with them as they are.

According to the definition, logic lends to a particular method of reasoning. We can all relate to this. How many times have you said to someone, “if you look at the logic of the situation”...when referencing a scenario, any scenario? We use the term logic loosely, in my personal opinion, to justify actions taken, to explain away otherwise distorted and confused views, opinions, or thought processes. A persuasive speaker can get a less swift person to accept their words as truth by swaying them with not easily broken logic.

Even if, in reality, they are lying through their teeth.

In contrast, emotion, always the stepchild of rationale, is pegged as a conscious mental reaction experienced as a strong feeling...and accompanied by physiological and behavioural changes in the body.

*peers at hives on leg*

It never ceases to amaze me how much emotion plays into everyday life...how much it has the potential to affect even the smallest of movements. Many of us may not exercise logic...but we all feel, whether we want to admit it or not. We all are subjected to varying levels of emotions, based on life’s daily occurrences. How often have we heard the phrase, “I can’t help what I feel”.

Can we? Help how we feel, that is?

Logic implies a certain level of practicality. It is reasoning at its finest. Even in situations like the one I currently have been stressing over (still peers at hives), the rationale that led to my decision was a decision steeped in logic. In fact, it reminds me of the only part of math I actually liked: logic statements were simple and to the point, the logic statement if p then q being the perfect analogy. (Yes, I am using modus tollens. Yes, I am a nerd. It is what it is.) If I prove p, then q automatically follows. If I can’t prove p, then no q. Simple. And we do it all the time – we use conditional reasoning in order to prove our point about something. There is a layer of fact in logic, even if the logic is faulty. Emotion, conversely, is just that. Emotional. Devoid of logic. It is the subsequent feeling that accompanies a difficult decision.

There is an implied balance between these two seemingly different things. I am working on being able to separate the two in difficult situations. One of my best friends told me early this morning that many times, the physiological changes that come as a result of emotion are all in my head – because everyone else who is aware of the concern doesn’t have the same attachment...or the same symptoms. (sound like the definition?) The suggestion was that in order to eliminate the problem, the solution was to separate the emotion from the situation and apply logic...and then take the negative energy being applied to the previous emotion and apply it somewhere more effective.

I’m working on it.

What do you think of the divide between emotion and logic? Do you feel that there actually a divide? If placed in a difficult situation, could you separate your feelings from the logical fact of the situation? Are you a logical person or an emotional person? Why? Can you be both?

Resolutions (<---O_o) for the New Year

2010-12-28T16:52:00.000-05:00

New Year’s resolutions are for the birds.

I’m serious.

It is about the time of year where everyone starts to make promises to themselves to fix the things in their lives that are either lacking or in excess, and they call them ‘resolutions’.

I always wondered why we do that to ourselves.

Why is it that we wait for January 1^st to decide that this time, this hour, this moment, is the best moment with which to decide to start anew? Why can’t it be December 27^th? Or May 13^th? Why wait till the New Year when you can start whenever you like?

I could go into depth as to why this is the case, but I made a resolution to myself on my birthday to be more conscientious with the words that I choose to use and the level of tact that I exert. I know that for me, these are my so-called “resolutions” (I already started these, hence the quotations):

1. 1. Figure out why the hell I always fall for the wrong guy. I’m sure that there are many ladies out there that are trying to figure this out for themselves, but this is an ongoing battle that I am determined to figure out, starting with the one I’ve been catching myself having feelings for now.

2. 2. Finish losing the weight that I started. I’m proud of this. At the beginning of the year, I was 295. Now I am 244. I have no shame in saying these numbers. My goal? 170. And so it goes…

3. 3. Get my books published. One is done, two are almost done. I started a project to get the finished one published…so fingers crossed!

4. 4. Be less affected by tomfoolery, “shtupidness”, and flakiness. Allyuh know how ah feel bout tomfoolery and shtupidness. I’m going to develop a duck’s skin with these two. I’ve already started to. *preens feathers* As for the flakiness, nothing irks me more than indecisiveness and people who tell you one thing and then back out last minute, especially if they don’t tell you, you have to find out on your own. For my birthday, I got a lot of this. It was the first time that I was genuinely like, “if you come, you come, if you don’t, ok”. I felt the vestiges of annoyance creep up at first…but I brushed it off. Now, I’ve come to accept it. This is a work in progress…but I’m good with it right now.

That’s about it, folks! I don’t believe in resolutions. I believe in setting goals and going with them whenever you come up with them…not waiting for a New Year to make that happen. That is what I am doing.

What do you think?

The 1 Year From 30 Post!

2010-12-16T23:59:00.000-05:00

I am officially 29 years old! One year left to the big 3-0!

What does that actually mean, though? Does it mean anything at all? To me it does. I’ve been seeing a lot of fuss regarding the life change from 28 to 29 to 30. I’m not quite sure why…so…

I think it’s time to do 29 Reasons Why 29 is the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread…

29. Um…hello! It’s another year, another day, another moment in time to continue living!

28. As up and down as 28 has been, it was still the most fabulous year ever…so 29 is poised to be even better!

Okay.

So I won’t do 29 reasons.

What I will do, in all seriousness, is go through the top 10 things I am looking forward to in my 29^th year of life…

10. The growth of my catering and personal chef business.

9. The publishing of not one, not two, but three different books. (Details to come) If I can accomplish that, babeee….!!

8. Another three to four inches of growth on my locs. (I wanna whip my hair back and forth!)

7. A renewed relationship with my own energy and my higher power.

6. The 30^th birthday cruise that is in the works. (Ladies, look out for the email, allyuh know who you are!)

5. Getting down to at least a size 12. If I can do a size 10, even better.

4. A continually prosperous and enlightening relationship with the ride or dies and friends that I have.

3. A better relationship with my family, but most specifically my mother.

2. Continued blessings and a positive relationship with my daughter.

And the number one thing I am looking forward to in my 29^th year of life?

1. Continued happiness, blessings, and whatever love is out there for me, in whatever form it comes.

Cheers! =oD

Change and Growth

2010-12-08T12:26:00.000-05:00

“It’s been too hard living/but I’m afraid to die/’Cause I don’t know what’s up there/beyond the sky/It’s been a long, long time coming/but I know/a change’s gon come”

Sam Cooke – “A Change’s Gon Come”

I’m fine.

Trust me. I’m fine.

I chose to start this post with these words because this is one of my favorite lyrics and all time favorite songs, period. There is something about the passion and elegance with which Sam Cooke sings this song that has always touched something deep down in my spirit. I’ve always related to the lyrics.

Life is hard.

Sure, we’ve all had good moments. We’ve had bad moments. I myself, in this one year, have had so many ups and downs that it has been nearly impossible to keep up. I am a firm believer in the concept of bad coming with good. After all, if there is no bad, how do you know good? How can you actually appreciate good?

At any rate. As rough as life has been to me this year, and with 29 looming just over a week away, I wouldn’t give it up for anything. And not even just because I’m afraid to die. Death scares me, immensely, agreed…but there is so much to life right now that I just can’t wait to experience, you know?

With that said. There’s a whole lot of change coming.

A whole lot of change.

I’m always changing and evolving, right? What makes this particular change so different?

It’s simple. I’m just going to do it. If you notice, great. If you don’t, great. It’s not about anyone but me. And don’t even look for me to tell you the changes. It’s all about what you see or observe – if you care enough. And, if you don’t notice the change…then that’s pretty tell tale too, isn’t it?

Cheers…

Night Marauder

2010-12-08T11:47:00.000-05:00

They call me the marauder of the feelings of the night.

While everyone is asleep, I pillage and plunder the thoughts of the verbose and yet forgotten thoughts. The ones no one wants to admit that they have.

Our society is one where even honesty is not quite honest with itself, shamed into believing that stark contrast in truths is acceptable when one seeks to spare feelings.

I sit, loud in my silence, and assess which dishonest village I shall burn first with clever ditties and unabashed words of fire. Usually they never see it coming, so caught up in their need to be and desire to impress with their deception that my words are usually a sucker punch.

They call me the marauder of the feelings of the night.

Fantasy vs. Reality

2010-12-05T23:44:00.000-05:00

We are walking to the school, she in her Shearling jacket, me in my wool coat. She is bubbly, bright, excited. After school, we are going to do her homework together, then curl up and watch movies and sip hot cocoa. He will join us when he is done with his meeting, and we will sit there, watching movies until dinner time, when we will go to the dinner table and have dinner together as a family, before I give her a bath. She will tell me to “take it easy bending down, Mommy…you might hurt the baby…” She loves her little brother or sister, the one she’s always wanted…though we won’t know what it is until it is born. That night, I will tuck her in, after having tied her head and wrapped her up all tight so she is safe and warm. He will sneak in and kiss her good night all over her face, making her giggle. She loves him like he were her natural born father. He loves her like she was his natural born child. I kiss her good night as well, and we quietly sneak out the room as she begins to doze off. He will tell me to take my time down the stairs, his hand on my protruding belly, the skin around my ring beginning to swell from the water weight. I retreat to my home office, he to his, as he balances his books and I mine. I tune everything out and type and work to the beat of tiny baby flutters, flutters that I haven’t felt since 2002. The miracle of life. He stops me from working late with his kiss, gentle touches on the nape of my neck. He makes love to me slow and gentle, careful not to cause any undue movement to our unborn child. We doze off in each other’s arms afterward. In the morning, we wake up early and talk as we prepare to start our day in our life together – he, I, and mine.

I wake up in the morning, usually pretty tired. It’s more of a nap than actual sleep. I reluctantly drag myself out of the comfort of my nap and prepare to start my day. The munchkin hates waking up, too. Many mornings, I find that she has found her way back into my bed, her lanky limbs splayed across me, even after I have put her back into her bed earlier on in the night. Sometimes this causes us to fall behind five to ten minutes in our schedule – the comfort of the bed calls to us, even when the alarm has gone off twice. That five to ten minute lag, though, can be the difference between catching the bus and missing it. So we don’t let that happen very often. I bathe her, dry her off, and direct her toward her clothes, so that I can get myself showered and into my sweats. I will walk anywhere, so I use the time after I drop her off to power walk through half of my neighborhood. We grab breakfast-to-go…sometimes mini pancakes or French toast sticks, made in advance and in a Baggie, sometimes Fruity Cheerios in a portable cup. We head out the door at the exact same time every day: 7:02 am. Never earlier, never later. We spend our 20 minute walk singing and dancing down the block, sometimes pretending that we are fishing for baby sharks, sometimes talking about the munchkin’s baby years. She likes hearing about her life as a baby. Sometimes this brings up bittersweet memories of her godmother – my friend who passed – and sometimes, she needs a four block hug. I oblige her. I never let her see me sad, though it is moments like this when she breaks my heart. I get her on her bus in the morning and I kiss her good bye and she pulls off, waving to me as the bus turns the corner and takes her to school – and all I can think of is that is my baby, swallowed up on that big yellow bus. It hits me sometimes – someday, her world will not revolve around me. Someday, she will not want to talk to me about everything. Someday, some little boy will break her heart as mine has been before, and I will be powerless to do anything but hug her and tell her that someday, she will be grateful for this heartbreak, even as I myself am not so sure that I am okay with the tug of pain and melancholy that every now and again threatens to break my stride. As I have these moments, as I walk down the streets of my neighborhood, alone not just in name but in my thoughts as well, I ponder who I have to go over my feelings with, who I have to go back and forth with, who supports my dreams when I’m not sure I believe anymore…whose heartbeat will match mine whether we are in the same room or not. Sometimes, it’s okay to know that my day for that has come. Today is not one of those days. Today is one of those “have I made the right choices?” days, one of those days that everyone has but never likes to admit that they have: the day that they regret the life changing decision(s) that they made. The day that they wonder, “what if?” The day that you don’t feel like talking to anyone because it is not just anyone you want to talk to – it is that day that you don’t want to hear anything about things being okay or not coveting what you don’t have because you just feel in a negative space and you just want to let that rock for a minute, dammit. It is the day that I feel the most alone – the day that I envy everyone lucky enough to have what I wish I did – a partner.

This…is my fantasy versus my reality.

Eventually, I will feel better and the negative energy will subside…and I will keep moving…as I always do.

Today…is not that day. Probably tomorrow.

The 3 AM Post

2010-12-02T03:19:00.000-05:00

The 3 am Post

This is one of those open letters to myself because I have to write it down posts.

One of those I want to talk but not really because I want you to fix it, I don't want a hug posts.

A I feel like crying because I'm not sure what I did if I did how I did something wrong posts.

You know the post.

It's the post that only a Sag can write because they're busy overanalyzing and being, well, a Sag.

It's the post you write when you have so much to say and nowhere to put all of the emotion that comes with the saying, and you know that saying it is a bad idea so you write a post instead post.

It's that post that comes after the "hold on, I've said too much" losing my religion REM style post.

The "someone just walked away with all my stuff" Ntozake Shange for colored girls circa 1975 post.

It's the post...itsthepostyouwrite when you're scared to do anything. else.

So you write.

- KP

For Colored Girls (Don't Read This If You Haven't Seen It)

2010-11-27T22:28:00.000-05:00

I’m still a bit shell shocked.

I’ve been sitting here, going back and forth, reading and re-reading, and reviewing and pondering all the way home because I’ve been shell shocked ever since I walked out of that movie house.

I finally saw “For Colored Girls”.

I was adamant that no one tell me anything about the movie before I saw it. I wanted to experience it for myself, in its entirety, without hearing anyone else’s opinion about it before I saw it. As the time elapsed, this became more and more difficult. Social media being the devil that it is, many people commented on the intensity of the movie in their statuses. They posted their opinions in clever tweets, and found ways to criticize both the movie and the maker of the movie, Tyler Perry, in one breath. It is no secret that Mr. Perry’s work is critically acclaimed and/or reviled, depending on who you’re asking. This was his first attempt at something assumingly more powerful than his more socially popular “Madea” work, and I was interested to see how the venture worked out for him. I was also curious to see how he would manage to turn a series of 20 intense poems into a screenplay that worked.

Now.

After having seen it, I walked in relative silence for quite some time. As a Sagittarius, I am analytical to a fault, examining every angle, every nuance…and then examining it again. I listened quietly as my cousins expressed their general emotions, malaise, cursed out some passerby for being in the way, etc…and I simply listened to them talk. I was lost in my own thoughts.

When I got home, before I started writing this, I decided to sit down and go through some of the reviews finally to see what the critics – and other people that I didn’t know – were saying about the movie. No matter where I looked, they all started something like this:

“My admiration for Tyler Perry's phenomenal and influential showmanship is undimmed, but facts are facts: The craft of filmmaking is not his strong suit."

- Lisa Shwartzbaum, EW.com

“As much as you want to give Tyler Perry the benefit of the doubt that maybe he'd be better at adapting someone else's work than showcasing his own, it's pretty obvious by the end of "For Colored Girls" that the best thing going for it are the performances of Ntozake Shange's words by Perry's infinitely talented cast.”

– Edward Douglas, comingsoon.net

I’ll even throw in one more for good measure…

“So let's just say that For Colored Girls is a barely competent film (which is a big step up for Perry), illuminated by luminous performances. In the hands of another filmmaker, those actresses might have approached an award-winning level. Too bad.”

– Marshall Fine, Huff Post Review

Now. So far, all of these reviews have been rather critical of Tyler’s work on this film, and, though they acknowledge the outstanding cast that Perry managed to pull together for the film, both female and male, for the most part, they find the movie does not reach the standard that it should. I could go so far as to say that none of these reviewers are African-American, but I remember seeing some of my friends’ commentary regarding the film – the words “male bashing”, “poor attempt by a lackluster director”, and “Tyler needs to let someone co-direct movies with him” come to immediate mind.

So. After pondering all the reviews that I’d read, I asked myself: Did I miss something along the way? Did we not watch the same movie, and perhaps I missed it somewhere? I was tempted to look at my ticket stub and call the theatre to make sure I’d watched the right movie. I couldn’t understand it – what was wrong with ‘For Colored Girls’?

Ok. Let me be nice about this.

Wait a damn minute. No I will NOT!

I’m sick of the Tyler Perry bashing. I’m not a diehard fan of his, not by any means. But why are we so quick to diminish his work as un-meaningful? What, because in his first films, the message is delivered by a 6’2 black ‘wo’man? Okay, AND? At least SOMEONE is getting the message out! The reality is that we live in a fickle society where Real Housewives runs the airwaves and we complain about wanting to have something more of substance out but we do nothing to make it happen. We complain that we’re not on Broadway, but then when we are, in a real setting with real things that really happen, we complain about the content. Or how the message is delivered. (Think The Scottsboro Boys. How many people have seen THAT? Don’t worry…I’ll wait…)

Why do we want the message to be so sweetly delivered, and NOT by Tyler Perry?

For Colored Girls – the screenplay version – was well adapted to hold the viewers’ attention for a lengthy period of time. Perry managed to somehow take a series of powerful poems and turn it into something that anyone could watch, black or white. I hear critics complaining about the lack of crossover appeal. So…other races aren’t raped? Or abused? Or in down low relationships? Or promiscuous? Or in affairs? Do I actually need to continue? No, he didn’t include other races in the main roles…did he have to? What, you no longer can relate because the person doesn’t have the same color as you?

Ntozake Shange, originator of the poem “for colored girls who have considered suicide/ when the rainbow is enuf”, even said in a NY Times interview of the screenplay, “I think it’s very good. He kept a lot of my language, that’s what I liked most.” She was at hand for all of the re-writes, all of the transformation, and Perry managed to create a storyline to lure in the viewer, all while keeping the original power of the poetry in the film. And powerful it was. One couldn’t help but get sucked into everyone’s story, even the ones that seemed obvious – Thandie Newton’s character ‘Tangie (Orange)’ and her sister Tessa Thompson ‘s character ‘Nyla (Purple)’ being the most obvious of all (who didn’t know that girl was pregnant when she threw up outside?), and you watched yourself being drawn in by the power of each story and the power of the women fighting them. The story was less about male bashing – in fact, it wasn’t male bashing at all – and more about the struggles that the women face and how they find a way to overcome it. And yes, it may have seen cliché at times – but it’s a movie…not a miniseries. There’s only but so much that you can put into a movie to make it all work – especially something of this caliber.

I have much much more that I could say about this – but I’d rather hear your thoughts…because I will surely ramble…

Sagittarius Season! The Facts

2010-11-23T10:55:00.000-05:00

If you're a Sagittarius, stand up!!!

From November 22 to December 21, Sagittariuses rule the time frame. As a Sagittarius myself, I am personally excited that it is my season. Granted, it is ALWAYS my season, as I LOVE being a true Sagittarius, but I am particularly thrilled that it is my season currently. This means that my birthday's coming up, and it means a year older and about three years wiser for me.

Don't know anything about Sagittariuses, or astrology? Here is a quick crash course:

Astrology is "the divination of the supposed influences of the stars and planets on human affairs and terrestrial events by their positions and aspects". (Merriam Webster Online) It is deemed a superstitious belief in the sense that it is based on a concept that is infallible or omnipotent in nature. However, the astrologists that study the constellations and their position can argue that each constellation sign is connected to a series of like characteristics that, when processed for a certain period of time, reflect the people born within that time frame.

With that said, here are some facts about the sign of Sagittarius:

· The sign of Sagittarius is governed by the Greek mythical being the centaur. The centaur symbolizes mankind’s dual nature as an intellectual creature (the human half) which was also a physical animal (the horse half). (Scopes)

· Sagittarians have a positive outlook on life, are full of enterprise, energy, versatility, adventurousness and eagerness to extend experience beyond the physically familiar. They enjoy travelling and exploration, the more so because their minds are constantly open to new dimensions of thought. (astrology-online)

· They have both profound and widely ranging minds, equipped with foresight and good judgment, and they can be witty conversationalists. They love to initiate new projects (they make excellent researchers) and have an urge to understand concepts that are new to them.

· A fire sign, Sagittariuses are prone to get along with other fire signs such as Aries and Leo, both romantically and on a friendship level. As a fire sign, however, this gives Sags a generally quick temper.

· Sagittarians have an often blind faith in people, and in the world. Their optimism is infectious, although it can get them into trouble from time to time. These are curious people who love to learn. Their idealistic nature is hard to miss.

· Sagittarius people see themselves as warm-blooded folk. They are, but they sometimes run roughshod over others' feelings during their more passionate debates. They can be blunt with people, although if they have a more tactful Mercury placement, this quality will be subdued. Their direct, blunt approach is most obvious in bed. They're passionate lovers, and are turned on by open-mindedness and good humor.

To all of my fellow Sags…does this sound like you? To those who know Sags, does any of this sound familiar?

Discuss…

Tape and Glue and Me

2010-11-12T13:18:00.001-05:00

“You are a handsome…good…smart and good and…you’re perfect…but um…I’m busy…holding myself together with…tape and glue…and a part of me wishes that you hadn’t played golf because maybe you’d be where I am…but you’re too much for me right now…because I’m busy..with the tape…and the glue…”

- "Miranda Bailey", Grey's Anatomy - Episode: Tape and Glue

I’m not a TV buff.

Not by any means.

In fact, I rarely watch it.

Oh, sure, as a chef, I have the Food Network on fairly often, and I listen to some of my favorite shows on there, but I don’t really watch it. The television in my house is usually off, and if it’s on, then it’s simply background noise . On Thursdays at 9 pm, though…my television is on. It’s on and Grey’s Anatomy is on. And it doesn’t matter what work I’m doing, who I’m talking to, whether I’m baking bread or not (wink), at 9 pm, I am watching Grey’s Anatomy and ignoring all else.

When I saw this episode, the one where Chandra Wilson’s character, Miranda, is dealing with the aftermath of the mass murder shooting at Seattle Grace, and I heard her say those lines…my heart stopped.

I went looking for Shondra Rhimes.

Who the hell was she to be taking my life without notice and putting it on the TV screen?

Ok. Obviously she didn’t take inspiration from my life when she had her writers write the scene for that quite emotional TV moment. But the ‘tape and glue’ bit? Believe you me…that is me in a nutshell. With so much going on and with most, if not all, of my friends individually going through their own isht, I often feel quite alone with me, my thoughts and I. I can visibly see the tape on my arm…the glue holding the pieces of me together…sort of like a going through the motions. And it’s not to say that I have no one to talk to. That’s not it. It’s just that tattoo on my back that is getting in the way. That pride is something else. It’s the fear of not meeting expectations. The fear of not being strong.

At any rate. Anyone else feeling some of the same?

So Cuomo's governor...now what?

2010-11-03T14:11:00.000-04:00

Thank God Andrew Cuomo won.

Unlike Cuomo’s father, previous 80’s reign governor Mario Cuomo, Andrew’s election to the gubernatorial seat was far from a squeaker. Cuomo racked up 61% percent of the vote over Carl Paladino, his GOP competition (and let’s not forget Jimmy McMillan’s 1% - after all, only 1% of New Yorkers truly believe that the Rent is Too Damn High). Paladino, during his campaign, gave new meaning to the term, “loose cannon”. His highly antagonistic approach, complete with controversy after controversy, preempted any agenda that he may or may not have.

So thank God Andrew Cuomo won last night. I am sure that many (at least 61% of New Yorkers) are happy about this fact.

Now. Having said that, let’s talk about the real problem. Mr. Cuomo, this message is for you.

I need you to do your job. Of course, this seems like the obvious statement of the year, but I assure you, it’s not. This New Yorker is a bit fed up, and she’s been fed up for quite some time. Though grateful for David Paterson making history as the first Black American and ‘disabled’ Governor, I am remiss to admit that he hasn’t done a damn thing for our state other than to lead it into further disarray and chaos. Don’t believe me? Let’s (quickly) recap.

In June of last year, we all remember the 30-day gridlock of the State Senate that threw our government into upheaval. The coup, led by disgraced Senator Hiram Monserrate and (crook?) Senator Pedro Espada, along with Rochester based Senator Tom Golisano, ensured that key issues, such as the potential Mayoral control of NYC public schools and same sex marriage passing, went unaddressed for the better part of a month. Now. It could be said that Paterson tried to let adults be adults and handle their issues on their own, as we might have. He noted, “This is getting a little ridiculous — they’ve got to act like adults here,”. NYT staff writers Jeremy Peters and Danny Hakim also note in their piece on the Senate debaucle that Paterson “urged lawmakers to return to the Senate and settle the leadership fight, but he has been largely relegated to the sidelines”.

Wait a minute…

My days of Youth and Government are at least 7 years gone…but the last I checked…you are the Governor. How are you relegated to the sidelines of your own government? Why did this issue take 30 days to be resolved?

Paterson initially withheld salaries to end the deadlock caused by the jumping of parties, and then eventually appointed a new Lieutenant Governor to the post, effectively ending the deadlock, followed by Espada returning to the Democratic party two days following the appointment. Obviously, I’m not going to point out that prior to that appointment, there was no Lieutenant Governor in office, as Paterson had held that role before he was appointed to the Governorship. (Let’s not forget that the Lieutenant Governor’s position is the position in State government equivalent to the VP on a national scale. Just pointing that out.) If we all recall, Paterson replaced disgraced governor Eliot Spitzer after his decline from the top spot. (I haven’t even brought up the scandals yet. Do I actually need to? Isn’t this enough?)

And speaking of Spitzer…

We all remember the golden boy of NYS. The “Bulldog” of Wall Street, Spitzer as Attorney General broke with tradition and challenged ‘white collar’ offenders in his reign. He broke up several prostitution rings and money laundering issues as Attorney General. His election to Governor was easy and without real true competition. And then…

He resigned in March of 2008, slightly a year after his election. Why, you ask? Because he was ‘Client No. 9’ in a prostitution ring.

*scratches head*

So yes, Andrew Cuomo has some issues to encounter, and none of them have anything to even do with his agenda, sadly. Cuomo’s task? To reverse NYS’s current status as a laughingstock government, subject to Saturday Night Live critique in other Senates across the country. We need a real government. Cuomo needs to find a legally binding way to oust current fossils in the Legislature (Silver, Meeks, and Clarke immediately come to mind…yeah, I SAID it, it had to be SAID) and to come forth with a team, led by himself and Lieutenant Governor-elect Robert Duffy, that will not only put structure, order, and actual decision making as a priority, but will actually pass laws. To help the people.

Y’know…your job. After all…if we (the people) don’t do our job…we get fired…right?

So I’m watching you, Andrew Cuomo. And if you care about what actually happens in your state…you will be, too.

Honesty Box (Self-Analysis #5 of...)

2010-10-28T14:18:00.000-04:00

*dramatic cunt sigh*

I guess it’s time to get a little bit honest.

I know, I know. I’m a Sagittarius. I’m always honest.

But there are sometimes that even we Sags hold on to some stuff for fear of being entirely too brutally honest. If there’s one thing that I know that I’m good for being , it’s brutally honest. And that’s not always a good thing. Sometimes, brutal honesty does not come across in the manner with which you intended. Hence why it’s good to have a filter.

Having said that…

I burnt my filter and used it to smoke a beef brisket. I’m serious.

Perhaps it’s my lack of buns. It could be that. I’ve heard that a lack of sex can sometimes make you cranky. (thinks back to last time) That COULD be it…but it’s not the only thing. Lemme see how I can break this down...

1.
Relationships.

I’m seeing too many people in relationships who were nothing but shitheads to their other relationships…and they manage to be in healthy and happy relationships. There was a time that I would shun jealousy and envy, refusing to submit to them. I’ve recently learned that envy is a natural part of life and perfectly acceptable to feel as such – it makes you human. While I do not envy often, I do envy at times the shitheads that have managed to be blessed with good, healthy relationships. While this feeling of envy is a fleeting one (I don’t want to block my blessings),I do envy it – like, how the hell did you get so damn lucky? I know, I know. Your time is coming…don’t worry about others…trust me, their karma is coming…

Eff that. (KP voice)

Moving on…

2. Friendships.

Sigh. My friendships always seem to be an issue for me. I trust heavily when I feel that the trust is worthwhile. At the same time, when I feel the trust is gone, I get rid of them quickly. But more and more I have been wondering – how good of a friend am I? Is it that my expectations of my friends are entirely too high, and that is why I have to keep ridding myself of them? (Note: I’m not getting rid of anyone. So relax.) I’m thinking that perhaps it is that I have too many people in my life. I think that’s the problem. I don’t need to make cuts – I need to stop bringing so many people into my cot-damn life. The less people in your life, the less you have to worry about their expectations of you and vice versa. After all this time, I’m still too cot-damn nice.

That’s going to change.

Perhaps, because I am the common denominator here…it’s time for me to take the step back and examine me.

3. Love and Shit.

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

I always love the wrong effing people. No really, I do. I fall for people that I probably have no business falling for. Oh yeah, sure, they teach me a lot and in abundance when I do so, but when I love, that person gets a piece of me. And to tell you the truth, I’m a bit over that. I have half a mind to just hit all the dudes up that I’ve ever fallen for and just be like, “so this is how I felt/feel, can I have my piece of me back?”

I’m serious.

I have some calls to make this evening. Some people will be thrilled with what I have to say. Some will be pissed as hell. Others still may feel indifferent. #shrug. Deal with it. This is ME. And, if I haven’t already mentioned this to you…I’m an intense mother-shut-yo-mouth.

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind that this is a venting post, designed to…well…vent. It has no true bearing on my actions, deeds, or feelings for anyone. Everyone in my life (that I like) is safe for the moment, and will not be cursed out/told off/cut off. #thatisall

As this is a venting post, please feel free to vent as well…

The Romance Seeker

2010-10-25T04:14:00.000-04:00

Wanted: purple tinged hyacinths with a sole calla lily, accompanied by a walk along the water’s side/snuggling up by a fireplace/strolling along the beach at sunset (options for the seasons). Must appear interested in actual conversation without forgetting to subtly compliment said companion. Should close the evening by being escorted to one’s door and a kiss good night. Home cooked meal – basket style optional.

See? I told allyuh I could be a girl sometimes.

My cousin and I got to talking about relationships and romance. She asked me the same question that I posed on my Facebook page: “Do you believe in romance? What is the most romantic thing you have ever experienced?”

What prompted this blog was the amount of time that it actually took me to answer that question.

Huh.

I’ve been on dates before. Granted, my dating history is limited – I didn’t start actually dating until 2005, close to 2006. (I’m not kidding.) Prior to that I’d been in an on again, off again, why-did-I-DO-that-again relationship with the father of my child. I was a serial monogamist in my younger years, and when I would try to date, I would find myself in a relationship with said person, and then the dynamic would change. Apparently, in the relationships that I was in, dating was not a necessity – why date? You already got the guy/girl!

At least, that’s what my then boyfriend explained to me.

As single as I am now, I realize that my dating experience is still rather limited. The most dating I’ve ever done was this year – I got two…nope, three whole dates out of them before they disappeared. I suppose that’s all for the best, though. Everything happens for a reason. At any rate, there were those three dates, plus enough to count on one hand that I’ve ever been on. Not a one included flowers, or anything that might be considered romantic.

What the hell is romance, anyway? Merriam-Webster (oh come nuh, allyuh know I does define tings already!) defines romance as, “: to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery”. From what I’ve been told of myself, I’m ‘pretty confident on my own’, I’m ‘easy going and don’t appear to demand much attention’, and, my personal favorite, ‘I thought you’d be insulted if I got you something. I know how you independent women are’.

Now. *scratches head* I’ve never been the type of independent woman to demand that everything be done the way I’d want it done, in the sense that…ok, the easier way of putting this is, I’m not that ‘Destiny’s Child Independent Woman’. I don’t refuse gifts; I’m not a bitch about my independence. I always say that I am independent by need, not necessarily by desire. (It’s hard to explain.)

With all that said, I can honestly say that I can’t truly think of any instance where there was a romantic overtone on any of my dates (barring one shared milkshake date which I still think was really cute). For the most part, I’ve been told that my laid back demeanor and understanding nature leads to…whatever. Insert something.

So as I ponder this latest rambling thought process, I ask you: Do you believe in romance? What is the most romantic thing you have ever experienced?

Arousal of the Mind

2010-10-22T04:59:00.001-04:00

As Sex Therapy plays and I assess how much progress a year brings, I got to thinking about being aroused.

Lemme tell you a story about a guy I know.

This is a guy who managed to get me to ~~do unmentionable things~~ engage in unrefined discourse at 3 in the morning...you all know the kind...the kind of discourse that has you humming Trey Songz songs mid-afternoon at work.

We're all adults here.

And, after all, I am writing this at that bewitching hour.

So anyway. This man was...is...a persuasive man. And he managed to do this with his mouth.

Ok, I wasn't being fresh that time. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I'm serious.

His ability to engage in intellectual banter on all topics was the subject of many a Facebook status - and the thing that led me to engage in...well...unrefined discourse (c). His arousal...of my mind...belied any good looks, impeccable wave pattern, or ~~Guc~~ other items that may define and/or identify him. He had a way with words, if you will...and his words always...always...arouse my mind.

Enough of discussing ~~my love life~~ my interesting stuff.

The fact remains that sex and intimacy, for me, starts with how you engage my mind. I know many may disagree, citing rock hard abs a la Tyrese...or a Morris Chestnut smile...or the manly stature of Idris Elba...all as things that both arouse and lead to the bedroom.

For me, it's all about your mind.

Talk to me about the evolution of our democracy as a whole. Debate with me on the state of our economy. Chat with me about the future of the demagogue of the Caribbean islands as a whole. Tease my hopeless romantic nature. Deliberate with me over the future of our children. Those are arousing to me. Though chocolate skin and the indelible six pack may, at first, cause me to give you a second look...for me...your ability to converse will arouse every time. Having said that...it is also the arousal of my mind that has the potential to confuse me. After all, if we can talk about anything, then it has to be more than lust, right?

So I ask you: what is it that is most appealing and arousing to you in a companion? Can you engage in 'unrefined discourse' with someone you cannot actually talk to?

I Believe The Children Are Our Future...and it SCARES Me...

2010-10-21T23:22:00.000-04:00

"I believe the children are our are future/Teach them well and let them lead the way/Show them all the beauty they possess inside"

- Whitney Houston, The Greatest Love of All

Yes. I went there. I got good and cliché for a moment.

Hear me out.

I truly do believe our children are our future – because they are. When I was growing up, my parents taught me many skills – but the most important lesson that they taught me was that I was going to grow up and live a better life than they did. As Caribbean immigrants, we grew up in a household that was relatively strict (as strict as probably was acceptable and allowed in the States), and my brother and I always knew that we were going to be successful at something. We had a healthy fear of our parents – we knew that talking back, getting less than a 90 on an exam, sassing a teacher, or getting suspended were all crimes punishable by a ‘cut tail’ or ‘allyuh teef (teeth) lik out yuh mout’.

I’m sure you get the drift.

Our current generation is our future, too. After all, at some point, eventually (though the thought of it scares me) we will die, and the current generation will be our age…working in the world…having children of their own, husbands and wives of their own, businesses of their own…

Doesn’t the thought just scare you shitless?

It certainly scares me. And I love children. But the direction that this generation has taken is quite the frightening one. My daughter and I went to the library today, as is our usual practice, to do homework and to read and in general, spend quality time together, and the like. The library has always been a quiet place to do this sort of thing. More and more I have noticed, however, that the JHS and younger HS students from the local school hang out and around the library for lack of anything better to do. They were being rowdy and were subsequently asked to leave by the librarian. An argument ensued, the kid in question called their mom – and that’s when all hell broke loose. The next thing you know, the mom is in the librarian’s face and the children – hyped up by the potential fight – have begun knocking all of the books off of the library shelves.

Now. We won’t get into how the parent was the one who started knocking everything off in anger, or how the cops were called and the library was eventually evacuated. (You read me right.) What we will discuss is when the cops arrived, how some of the kids began to slowly sit and calm down because they had priors. #blankeffingstare

Priors? You’re fourteen!!! What the hell were you doing that caused you to…you know what, never mind…smdh…

The point of it all is that our children have taken a disturbing turn. I can’t blame them alone. One of their biggest problems is their parents themselves. Being a single mom, I fight every day to ensure that my daughter receives all the love and care and education that she will need to be successful, so as to combat the stereotypes already being thrust at her. And I will give her father his due – he may not be the ideal father, and we may no longer be friends – but we both have a vested interest in the well being and development of our daughter. She will not be a statistic. Other parents, however, are not holding up their end of the bargain. Whatever happened to setting the example? To modeling positive behaviors and encouraging said behavior? Hell, what happened to being the adult?

Part of the other problem is my taxes. I know… you’re probably like, what the hell is KP rambling on about now? You see, I was of the mistaken impression that a portion of my tax money paid to the state goes to education and its systems. So when I hear that these same children that loiter outside and inside said library no longer have their last period classes because the state has cut their funding and so they couldn’t go to afterschool, the same school system that asks my child for paper towels, Ziploc bags, calculators and correction tape on their school supply list because the Department of Education cannot afford to buy these things for their teachers…well, then I just wonder why I’m paying taxes. Because if it’s for metal detectors and for staff that don’t even know the students they teach, well, I just don’t know about paying my taxes for this broken system.

But in essence, after all the finger pointing is done…what are the other three fingers pointing toward? A child’s surroundings and living circumstance is only one portion of the equation. At some point – you, as said child, have to care. You have to recognize within you that you are better. There are all sorts of positive influences and resources in every neighborhood to aid you in such. You have to know that hanging out side on the corner, play fighting and disrespecting adults as they walk by is not okay. Or throwing cut parties everyday – at some point, you have to know that you will not graduate if you continue to do so. You have to understand that a GED is not the answer – that is, if you are in the ninth grade and are ‘tired’ of school, you do not jump to take your GED, you suck it up and make it through school because finishing school gives you more options. A GED is for the people who cannot finish high school via traditional means and have no other alternative. It is not a test for the lazy.

And for us adults – we have to keep pushing our kids to care…because if we don’t…if we don’t…this is the generation that will be running the hospices and nursing homes that we will be residing in…and they will not know 2 plus 2 without a calculator, they will not know what a multiplication table is…they will not be able to discern that Africa is a continent and not a country…James Joyce will be a Marvel comic book character to them…and the SAT? Well that just means to sit...that is, if we don’t do some thing now…and I’m not exaggerating.

One.

Bit.

Because I believe the children are our future…and right now…that SCARES me.

Dying for Love

2010-10-19T03:20:00.000-04:00

She held his gaze for as long as she could stand the intensity of it, then lowered her head and stared at the book cover. “Is the ending sad?”

“Very”.

Ella felt the heat of his gaze on the crown of her head. She felt the pressure of the walls, which seemed to be closing in, and the weight of air against her skin where it was exposed. Her throat became painfully tight.

In a low voice he said, “Even knowing the ending was sad, I wouldn’t have deprived myself the beauty of the story. Would you?”

An excerpt from the book Rainwater by Sandra Brown

One of the reasons that I never watched the movie Titanic was that I already knew exactly how the movie would end. I mean, who didn’t? Everyone knows the ending of the movie, as well as the real life story. The ship sinks. ‘Titanic’ became symbolic with ‘big, hulking, utter failure’ when it sunk on its maiden voyage. So when talking to a good friend of mine about the movie, and she goes on and on about how why there was only one door, why Jack couldn't be saved, I looked at her as if she had two heads. What was she talking about?

The ship sinks. The end. What Jack? What Rose?

Theatrics and fictional script writing aside, such is often the case with relationships that we know will not stand the test of time, not because of over analytically driven fears, but because of either foreseen or unforeseen circumstance. In the case of Jack and Rose, unexpected elements prevented their relationship from seeking its true potential. In the story I quote above, the main character falls in love with one of her boarders, for varying reasons, and sticks with him, even though she knows that he is dying of a terminal illness.

In the book I quote above, David Rainwater, a boarder in Ella Barron's boarding house in Texas during the Great Depression, comes to her with only mere months to live, a terminal illness (we realize later on that it is stomach cancer) shortening his life expectancy. The two eventually fall in love, despite Ella's hesitation based on David's condition. I rarely do romantic novels but I love historical fiction. Rainwater set me up, in a way. I was expecting historical fiction - I got that and romance, but more important, a testament to endurance, strength, and true love. Rainwater encourages the living of life, despite knowing the potential negative outcomes, in this case, imminent death.

Which brings me to this: could you do it? I mean, of course, it’s true; we all have to die sometime. But if you know that they’re dying? Could you continue on? Or would the experience be too much for you to handle? I think that most people’s relationship fears stem from letting go and truly experiencing love – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Think about it – when a person talks about why they don’t want to be in a relationship, the number one reason is the fear of being hurt. However, if your significant other were going to die, and you knew this, it doubles the hurt factor.

But is it worth it? Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is whether or not the experience, the love itself, is more important than the outcome. Are you willing to go through hurt in order to experience love?

So I ask you - could you see yourself pursuing a relationship with someone, knowing that they truly may not be here tomorrow?

Be honest…

The Fear of 'Driving'

2010-10-13T14:38:00.001-04:00

There was a time when a person’s dream job consisted of finding that dream already established and working in the field of said established dream. As of late, it is easily noticeable that many people, tired of working traditional nine to fives, have been stepping out on faith – carving their own niches in the world - and creating businesses – and dreams – of their own.

There takes a certain level of determination and drive to take that next step. It’s a scary thing – and I speak from experience. Owning and operating my own business has left me with varying feelings – and they are not always good feelings, either. I’m scared most of the time, to be quite honest. A wise man that I’m proud to call my friend told me once, “If you don’t wake up scared shitless every day – then it ain’t right”.

Or something along those lines.

The point I make is –

Wait.

Let’s look at it from a different angle.

Learning to drive is a challenging thing. There are little basic nuances you learn, either from taking lessons, or learning from someone else. As you garner up the courage to take that road test, you are either overly confident – or you are scared out of your mind. When you pass that test – you feel elated. Jubilant. You’re ready to hit the road. When you hit the road, though, for real, no matter how confident you are, no matter who you are, somewhere in the back of your head, you think to yourself, “Oh shit, what if I crash this car?”

I don’t know not one person who drives that didn’t think that their first time driving. You don't have to admit it to me. I understand.

It’s no different when you take that first step out as a business owner. Some of us don’t make it past the gate. We’re busy worried about our day to day living, so much so that we never open the gate and walk out on faith (and planning. Lots and lots of planning). Some of us walk out the gate and lean on it for a while – we’re afraid of stepping forward, of taking that next step, of actually doing what we said we wanted to do. Some of us are like me – they’ve run out the gate, around the corner, down the block – but they’re in need of a Red Bull. Reality has hit – and now, they’re wondering what the hell they were thinking.

Sort of like I am.

So this is my pep talk as much as it is for everyone out there, struggling between freedom and perpetual job slavery. If you’re thinking about it…do less thinking and start planning. If you’re in the process of planning – stop planning and actually implement. Start prioritizing. You may have to give up certain smaller dreams to actualize the bigger ones. If you’re like me – and you’ve already started working on your dream – don’t let the setbacks push you back.

You started driving for a reason.

Sexy Intimacy Love Lust Bullsh...

2010-10-12T02:24:00.001-04:00

Your skin possesses a thin sheen, a glisten only accomplished from one of two acts of exertion. This time, it’s not the gym – Lord knows, you can’t remember when last you stepped inside of that place. A touch turns into a caress. Caress turns into that grip on your hip – the one right before your back arches – and you lose all control.

Later on, you all lie against damp sheets and discuss everything under the sun. Perhaps you don’t. Perhaps you lay there in post-bliss. You might decide to cuddle – your front to their back – or the reverse. You could even dispense with all of the above – and just go to sleep. If it’s a 4 am relationship, then maybe you’re just about headed back to the car at this point. (If you are headed to the bus, I think now would be an ideal time to consider a new 4 am relationship.)

Maybe you’re just gearing up for round 2. Or 3.

Any of the above scenarios sound familiar? They should.

If you are sexually active, then chances are, one of the following above scenarios have occurred, at some point or another. Sex, in all of its facets, is an enjoyable exertion of calories, pleasures, positions, etc. Many songs have been written about this seemingly private deed. I am 100% sure that there is not a person out there that couldn’t name at least 2 songs based on sex. (Don’t worry. I’ll wait.)

Now. Pay close attention to my next question. Of the above scenario – which was the most appealing part?

Some of you might have said the back arching part. (Especially if you are currently backed up.) Others might have quoted the cuddling as your favorite part. I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of you, however, said that you valued the whole experience. Sex without intimacy is, for all intents and purposes, simply rutting. Everyone craves intimacy in some form - whether they want to admit it or not. Often, in my opinion, intimacy is coupled with the idea that said people coupling are in some form of committed relationship – which is not necessarily the case – or is it?

So I throw out the question to you: Do you prefer sex – or intimacy? What is your definition of both? When in those moments of craving bodily contact, is it for the sex – or for the intimacy?

Be honest…

Disappearing Acts

2010-09-26T03:37:00.000-04:00

"And then there're the ones who got scared when they realized I wasn't playing. 'You're too intense', one said. 'Too serious', said another one.

I told them that this wasn't high school or college, but the grown-up edition of life. They were still comfortable not having a care in the world, so I let 'em run and hide, especially the ones that needed professional help. So now I'm taking off the blindfolds and doing the bidding myself".

- "Zora", Disappearing Acts by Terry McMillan

I probably should preface this by saying that I am not nearly as angry as the "Zora"s of the world...or hell, I ain't even Ms Terry mad. I'm not mad at all. I don't subscribe to "Crazy Black Woman Syndrome"...in fact, my girlfriends are convinced I am a man hiding in a woman's body...with a mean pair of shoes, a fly ass knife kit, and a fierce Mont Blanc.

But I digress...and ramble...as usual.

I'm a creature of habit and a person of patterned behaviors and exhibitions. That is to say, all of my relationships, be they jump off or otherwise, exhibit a pattern. And you may have seen me mention it before. Perhaps you haven't. The point is that there is one specific common thread: they all disappear. They pursue me with what might be considered wild, borderline obsessive abandon, and when I finally cave and give in to their charm, they back off. Of course, this is a very general assessment of my pattern - but it about sums it up - at least, in my opinion.

The first time I noticed this was about four years ago. He was the original "Disappearing Acts". Slightly older than me, attractive, well off, financially secure, kept me laughing, was Caribbean like me, and so on and so on. My guard was up at first, of course - I was coming off of the heels of the finally-off-for-good relationship with the father of my child - and I wasn't looking to get myself into a relationship. Neither was he. OK, cool, works for everyone, right? We dated - first time in my life I ever did so (seriously) - and I liked him. Like, googly eyed, "OMGhesonthephonewhatdoido?" high school liked him. But I kept my cool and proceeded at a slow but decent place. We crossed that next relationship step and everything was great.

Then something happened and all of a sudden, he disappeared. I would text him and get no response. I wish I could say that we'd gotten into some sort of disagreement or something, but we hadn't. About three months later, he hit me up like nothing had happened. I was utterly lost and I told him so. Again, keep in mind, I am obviously keeping it very general for the sake of brevity, but this is exactly what happened. I started calling him "Disappearing Acts" for that reason. We patched up that portion - but from that point on I proceeded with caution. Had a difficult time trusting him, so, admittedly, I backed away this time. He came back. We got a lot of stuff out of the way emotionally, he wanted me to meet his family (his suggestion, never mine), etc., etc, and then...

...he disappeared. Again.

I was done by then. I've since cut him off - we're cool, but I have no thoughts of pursuing anything with him at all, a fact that I made very clear. The next person - I don't really want to get into too many details, as this one is a bit sensitive for me, and not to mention that this post will go on and on if I actually get into it - but the resounding point of it would be that he disappeared, too. I will readily admit that this one shouldn't truly be considered a relationship as much as it qualifies as an "un-timed relationship". The most recent person threw me for a loop. I had declared myself ready, you see. So when he came along, it was a bit of a smack in the face of my ready - I wasn't expecting it, nor was I expecting things to progress at the level and speed that they did (emotionally). He might have been the closest I've come to a relationship in quite some time.

I still don't really know what happened there. One day we were there - and the next, nothing. For weeks. I asked him point blank if he was interested or no - I just needed to know that I wasn't going crazy. He told me that he was, not to worry, he was just busy. That bought him about a week's worth of time. That week came and went - and I was quite over it. I can see the writing on the wall. There's busy - and then there's lack of interest. Part of it is that I'm simply entirely too understanding. And if there is one thing I've learned from my guy friends - it's if a dude is busy, no matter just how busy they are, they will find a way to be with you if that is what they want.

Which leads me, of course, to my usual self-analysis - what is it in me that causes the 'disappear' gene to rear it's unattractive head? What is the vibe that I'm putting off? This can't be any good for my already preexisting abandonment issues...And it can't be just me - others have to be experiencing something similar...

The "Sanctity" of Divorce

2010-09-20T04:39:00.001-04:00

My favorite line of 2010 has been: "I just met my future ex-husband/wife". I mean, what better way to express your attraction to someone?

O_o

As this Caribbean rambler approaches 30, I've found myself in attendance at many a wedding. As a caterer and event planner, I've found myself planning a few weddings. Either way, the past six months to a year have been a blur of weddings, both planned and unexpected, the most recent of which was this past weekend. As the over thinker that I am, I found myself listening intently to the vows with which my good friend and her husband took. I noted that these vows are the same vows that many of my other friends and family members have taken. I even took a moment to jot them down. This may seem strange, as the traditional wedding vows very rarely detour from the original, but humor me:

"Do you, GROOM/BRIDE's NAME take BRIDE/GROOM's NAME to be your husband/wife – to live together after God’s ordinance – in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?"

Insert "I do" here.

Weddings, particularly grand, methodically planned ones that I and others like myself pride themselves on planning, are tear jerking events that leave many single folks such as myself momentarily considering 'jumping the broom'. From the "I do's" to the cutting of the splendiferous cake (yep, I said splendiferous), to the first dance to the tearful best man/maid of honor/parents of the bride and groom toasts, the concept of the 'perfect wedding' is a sight to behold and one that has been cultivated and has grown tremendously over the course of the decades.

Of course, so has the 'perfect divorce'.

I had a client who, when asking me about some of her wedding details, asked me the fastest way to get an annulment. It took me aback, admittedly. Here this beautiful young woman was, about to marry the 'man of her dreams', and already you're thinking about an annulment? Something is wrong with this picture. In another scenario, a wedding that a friend of mine catered upstate asked for the 'richer or poorer' portion of the vows to be removed from the spiel, because she was "definitely marrying for 'richer' and there would be no 'poorer'".

The above, my fellow rambling fans, would be a direct quote. Something is wrong with this picture.

And on it goes. Nowadays, at least 50% of marriages end in divorce. 50%. That's half of them. Many of the marriages that have ended in divorce, statistically, are due to monetary concerns, infidelity, inability to have children, etc. I have never been married, but I can tell you as an outsider looking in, from a logical point of view, that often times, the reasoning behind divorcing a spouse stems from an inability to commit. Why? Consider this: if you look above, I highlighted the portion of the vows that state: "in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy". When you hear of someone divorcing, if you hear nothing else, you hear interpolations of "I didn't sign on for this".

Except...that you did. When you took those vows, you did sign on for EXACTLY that…right?

Unless you wrote your own vows and carefully phrased them, you did sign up for the worse...if your spouse cheated on you, is it worth forgiveness? If your spouse suddenly becomes ill or can no longer bear children, do you allow yourself to continue? Do you find a way to make the impossible possible? If your spouse makes a bad investment that renders you broke...is that a deal breaker? If so, why? Is that not all a part of your vows...the ability to find the compromise to work through difficult situations? Do all the little things that a person does, the little things that permeate a person’s character and make them who they are, do those things constitute irreconcilable differences? Perhaps it is my naivete, having never been married, that is causing me to pose these questions...but it is something that I constantly consider when I watch the divorce rate climb every year.

Am I saying all situations are workable? No. Sometimes, divorce is the only answer...but it should not be the default answer, it should be a last resort answer, in my personal opinion. For example, if your partner for the rest of your life has another partner for the rest of their lives…I’d consider that a deal breaker. (So does the law. Bigamy is illegal in 48 states.) If your partner is living a double life, I think it’d be ok to say, “Who the &*^$# did I marry?” But if your partner happens to have a porn addiction, my advice would be to install a projector and get Pinkie, Mr. Marcus, and the Penthouse gang to teach you some tricks. (Not that I know anything about that.) Or…you could sign your significant other up for PAA (Porn Addicts Anonymous – yes, it really exists) and help them through it. It’s the least you could do since they rubbed your cruddy feet, greased your flaky scalp, and built you a bed. (I’ve been reading Getting To Happy. Sorry.) Seriously, though…wouldn’t that be considered some of the ‘worse’ that we should be guiding each other through?

So here are the questions I’ve been posing internally that I now pose to you: is a deal breaker really a deal breaker? What constitutes an absolute fail in a marriage? Where do you draw the line at trying to fix a relationship/marriage? Can a person truly judge another’s actions based on their imperfect model? Why is there such a big fear of genuine commitment? Is it a fear of the loss of control?

Naked and Exposed

2010-09-12T02:10:00.000-04:00

Everything is a bit raw right now.

You ever feel so naked and exposed, like everyone can see right through you for who you are? Ever wonder if that's a good idea or not?

That's me. That's me in a nutshell and I don't know what to make of it.

This is more than just a Sagittarius thing. This is a 'nobody's supposed to be here' thing and it's making me mad.

So I met this guy recently and I really liked him. He really liked me - at least I thought he did. We were on that talk every day tip, making plans, yadda yadda yadda. He asked me why I liked him...and I told him. I'm a writer and I'm an intense, passionate person by nature...so when he asked me why, I went in. I figured that we had been so honest with each other prior to this moment, why not lay it all out there? What did I have to lose?

Apparently, a lot, because now I barely hear from him.

The one before him, he's as intense and passionate as me, in my opinion. Told me not to like him from the door. I wasn't prepared for how charming he was, though, and I understood after a while why he told me not to like him...because cot dammit, he's easily likable. Lovable. Whatever.

Why I feel like tearing up right now, I don't know.

This is what I mean. I feel so naked and exposed right now, so much so that I haven't even had the opportunity to edit my words...to suppress my emotions...to not let everyone know what's going on in my head...all I want right now is the answers to why. I wanna know why they keep disappearing on me. I need to figure out what it is in my energy that is sending off this 'disappearing act' vibe.

Believe me...this is the first and last time that I plan on putting these emotions into words.

In fact...it's time to just figure it out. To the KP cave I go...

Sagittarius KP Woes (A New Season)

2010-09-07T07:59:00.000-04:00

I am one of the most passionate people you know. Truly. Take that whatever way you'd like.

I kiss.

I tell.

I exude confidence and uncertainty all at the same time.

And I am approaching a new season.

I truly believe that people do not ever change: they simply adapt to the situation that they are in until a) the situation changes in such a manner that they feel free to expose more of their true self, or b) until their true self seeps out unexpectedly. What changes is a person's situation, their surroundings, and the people in their lives. That's about it.

With that said, as a Sagittarius, I have found myself evaluating recently what I say to people: any person, be it a close friend or a distant acquaintance. By now, depending on how long you have been following my ramblings, you probably have noticed my internal battles with not just what I say and how I say it, but with speaking from the heart first and the mind second. I don't ever regret what I say to people or how I say it...I simply find myself questioning whether or not I should say anything at all.

I observe much more than the average person realizes. One thing that I have noticed when saying something in my traditional 'no filter' fashion is a person's outward laughter - but their body language cringes. I find it interesting to watch people's reactions to me and what I say. That isn't the purpose of this post, though. I have been censoring myself more and more for a number of reasons, the largest being that I'm not sure that my thoughts are for everyone. Those of you that are reading this that truly know me may be ready to cut me off now and say, "OK, cut it out". But I'm serious. I find myself wanting to say more and more less and less. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex.

A true Sagittarius enters potential relationships with an open mind and their guards up. If they see potential, the guards come crashing down. Why? Because if a Sagittarius likes you, they give their everything. (at least, the Sags I know are like that.) The obvious issue with this is, unless you find your soul mate after the first shot, are you giving your everything to each person you meet until you meet that 'one'? The obvious response to this should be 'no'...and the average person will say, 'well, stop giving your all to every damn body yuh meet, yuh rass...' (oh. wait. that's me who'd say that).

And it is currently what I am saying to myself. I am such an honest person that I realize I can reveal too much about me in my honest revelries. Sometimes, the people that other people surround themselves with are not the right match for you. As a result, they don't need to know your business. I have to remind myself of this every time I gather the urge to be too honest. The other thing is - for me - that I am coming upon this new season where my self-analysis is at an all time high. This will mean more being critical of me - and less to say. Sometimes...less is more. Seriously.

What do you think? Thoughts, please...

End of Summer Ramblings

2010-09-02T05:08:00.000-04:00

So it's September, and Labor Day is around the corner. I'm sure you all know what that means...

If you're from the Caribbean, or you simply enjoy Caribbean people, then you know that this weekend is allyuh weekend tuh get on bad. Labor Day weekend, for us, is the weekend before the Caribbean Day Parade on Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn. It's the weekend of New York's version of Panorama, of Kiddie Karnival by the Brooklyn Museum, of doubles and polourri and corn soup and fish cake and bammy and oxtail and kurma and sweet sorrel and mauby and rubber waist gyals dem and all thing decidedly Caribbean. For information on Labor Day 2010 festivities, check it out here:

Kiddie Karnival NYC

Dimanche Gras 2010 NYC

2010 Steel Band Panorama

J'Ouvert Festival 2010
J'Ouvert Do's and Don'ts

Caribbean Day Parade 2010

Moving on...

In keeping with my...err...blog title, I feel like I am overdue for some 'random rambling'...so here goes...

1. Maui Melon Mint Orbit gum is rather addictive.

2. I haven't felt like talking about me much lately. It really is a Sagittarius thing.

3. I need to get back to my former highly motivated self.

4. I hate being ignored with an undying passion.

5. I'm going to create a shirt with the phrase, "The best way to deal with a Sag is to...(see back) and then the back of the shirt is going to say, "Use your WORDS".

6. If one more mosquito bites me, I am going to ~~cut the mosquito nest down with a cutlass~~ lose my mind.

7. The weirdest feeling in the world is the feeling of being lonely in a crowded room.

8. I realize that many times, when it comes to me, people hear what they want to hear.

9. My hormones are on super duper high lately.

10. I REALLY want a whole wheat buttermilk biscuit.

11. All I want is for someone to pamper me, the way that I tend to pamper others.

12. I really think that I might be about to go and make a whole wheat buttermilk biscuit at 4:30 in the AM. (Told you my hormones are on super duper high).

13. I never understood why we as people ask questions that we don't truly want the answers to, and then become upset when we receive the answers.

14. My knee has been bothering me lately. I refuse to believe that I am getting old at 28.

15. I feel as if my ability to censor myself has been deteriorating rapidly lately. This is definitely NOT good.

Join me, my good people...any ramblings that you'd care to share? Or thoughts about the (unofficial) end of summer?

*Note: If you haven't seen me talk about this blog yet, you will soon. Check it out. http://notableobscurity.blogspot.com

Emotions Are A Hell of a Thing

2010-08-27T03:20:00.000-04:00

I hope you know that there's a definition coming in all this. Who would I be if I didn't define the term before talking about it?

Ok. So emotion. It's defined by Merriam Webster Online as "a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body". Now think about this for a second. When you're "feeling some kind of way about something", no matter what the something, your body goes through changes. Perhaps your skin gets hot, either from blushing or from anger. If you're like me, you get the butterflies in your stomach (and that's whether it's a good thing or a bad thing) and you feel a certain level of anxiety. It could be that you appear to be outwardly ambivalent when in reality you are two seconds from exploding (again, be it a good way or a bad way).

Emotions are a hell of a thing. The behavioral response that comes with the reaction to something, that 'thing' that evokes an emotion, can be paralyzing sometimes, depending on how strongly you feel about it. You could be digging someone and get the quiet brush off, causing feelings of inadequacy and "what did I do wrong?" Physiologically, your body could feel downtrodden and tired, depending on the level of 'in like' you were with the person. But that feeling isn't just limited to relationships. It could be the fear of stepping out on faith to pursue a dream. Fear can be such a paralyzing emotion that it can keep you trapped in a dead end job because you're afraid to dream. Paranoia as an emotion can cause you to think everyone is out to get you when in reality, they could simply be experiencing growing pains. As Ms. Simon noted once, the song might not even be about you.

Emotions are no joke, and they extend far beyond the reach of the average human relationship. Many in politics react based on emotion versus focusing on the actual facts surrounding a situation. Emotions have been known to cause normally reasonably minded people to eschew basic foundations and fundamental principles, such as ignoring Constitutional rights for the sake of cultural sensitivity. Hell, the last presidential race was one ball of emotion - many Americans used their personal issues and sensibilities regarding race and ethnicity to help them determine the next President, only to hand him to the proverbial wolves when they were dissatisfied with his current results.

Emotions are a hell of a thing.

Is there something to do about it? Not really. The challenge with emotions are that they are what make us inherently human, for lack of a catchy yet appropriate cliche. For me, my ability to reason through my emotions, for the most part, is what makes me uniquely me. Conversely, when I reach a point of temporary emotional overload, I'm miserable. I don't like being emotional...or vulnerable. It's not for me.

What is your challenge when it comes to your emotions?

A True Sagittarius Kisses...and Tells

2010-08-26T08:19:00.001-04:00

There's an old adage that goes, "You can catch more bees with honey than you can with vinegar". Or maybe it's flies.

(OK, look. It's about 7:30 in the morning and I haven't had my early morning nap yet. I'm not sure.)

At any rate. Often times, I will encounter a person or people who will challenge me verbally and I will ever so sweetly tell them where they can stick it. I've been told that because I say everything with a smile, especially the not so nice stuff, some people miss the "insult", and, as my best ride or die notes, "the people you talk to arent as intelligent as you so they dont even know you're being mean half the time".

(That's a direct quote, by the way. I still insist I'm NOT mean.)

All jokes (sorta) aside, one of the traits of a Sagittarius is their omnipresent honesty. It is said that the Sagittarius woman is joyous in general, which is good "because it helps to take some of the sting off of their very honest, often blunt, reactions to the world around them". Other astrological assessments include their "refreshing honesty", as well as "self-righteous and seriously opinionated, those weak in integrity need to slip away quietly".

Now. Whether you believe in astrology or not, the fact remains that every Sagittarius I know, without fail, including and especially myself, possess all of the above traits. There are times that I find myself cringing slightly as I speak my mind, wondering, "now why in the hell did I feel the need to say that?" This trait carries over to relationships, of course, as do most things. Even as recently as three weeks ago, I was asked why I liked someone, and I answered the question honestly. I was wondering where the hell the "Undo" button on Gmail was RIGHT after I sent it, though, because I instantly realized that I had said way too much.

And yet, sadly, I wouldn't take back a word.

I rarely want to. I just wish that the filter that I installed oh-so-many-moons ago would work the way that I asked it to! I decided a while back to try something new, release the safety net that I would hold on to so dearly...and yet, I have a difficult time shutting up sometimes! I was talking to another one of my ride-or-dies yesterday, and she expressed some of the same sentiments about a gentleman that she knows. I listened to her...and then I told her what to expect from this Sagittarius gentleman. And as I told her what to expect (if the trust is there, expect their whole life story, followed by weeks of silence because they realize they're revealed too much), I realized...oh sheesh, I really do the exact same thing!

Aw...just HELL.

So I've decided to turn over a new leaf. I am going to keep my feelings about many things to myself and save the outbursts for my ride-or-dies who understand and will not look at me with the side eye. (at least, not in public). Let's see how long that lasts...

Do you believe in the zodiac? In astrology? How true do you think your astrological sign is to your personal nature? If you felt you talked or revealed too much, how would you handle it?

The Death and Rebirth of Communication

2010-08-20T17:58:00.000-04:00

I miss the days of being curled up on the couch, twirling the cord around my finger, and talking until the wee hours of the morning. And you know the conversations I'm talking about - the ones where you spend the first hour laughing and giggling and cracking pointless jokes, the second hour being slightly introspective as you decide to get a little deep, the third hour sitting in companionable silence. And this format applies to numerous conversations - significant other or friend. Oh, and how could I forget a sprinkling of gossip?

I decided to hand write this before I typed it up and posted it. So many aspects of the art of communication have died - the beauty of hand writing a letter, the joy of the phone ringing and a voice you wanna hear on the other end, the pleasure of saying to someone, "I'll see you tonight" and mean over dinner - in a restaurant - or maybe in the park - sans all PDAs, phones, iPods, etc.

I am guilty of stabbing communication once or twice. I am the queen of the email - I rarely let a text go unanswered if I'm available to answer it (and sometimes, I'll answer while simultaneously answering an email), I am a Twitter ADDICT (and not just for business), and I just downloaded pMessenger. (just one more way for the unreachable to reach me, right?) Hell, aren't I talking about this on the Internet?

The ability to communicate via fiber optic pathways has both progressed and crippled us as a society. I have friends who actually prefer to converse (not conversate) via text message because they are busy or whatever the case may be. But do you realize that it actually requires more effort to text someone back than to pick up the phone and call them? Not to mention, have you ever thought about just how much can be misinterpreted in a text message?

Think about it...when was the last time you actually "LOL" when you typed/texted it...and, unless you are part of the crack-tabulous antics coming from my Team Household Name, then you are never actually ROFLMAO. (Again, if you're in my crew, though...I'm pretty sure you have more than once.)

But seriously. I miss conversation. And, if you know anything about me, when I self-analyze, if I recognize that there is something that I am doing (or NOT doing) that will prevent me from being my best , I will work on fixing it. So I plan to wean myself slowly off of the communication grid. I miss going out with my friends - to museums and to festivals and to plays - and not just the club, where half the crowd is playing dress up, etc. I'm a self professed nerd who enjoys reading and learning, and I'm going to get back to doing that. I plan on not using my being busy with my business as a texting crutch. And I will be more present with my good friends - hopefully, the feeling will be mutual. =o)

What do you think about the levels of communication in today's society? What about in your own personal society of friends and associates? Would you be willing to take a no-text pledge? If so, for how long?

Happy Born Day, Chica

2010-08-16T03:13:00.000-04:00

So today...my homegirl would've been 29 years old.

It's pretty ironic how much you find yourself remembering when someone leaves you before what you think their time should be. You may remember my bittersweet ode to the loss of my friend a few months back. Some of you who are reading this may find it interesting how much her passing affected me, particularly when you consider that I had cut her off, as I have with other friends-of-the-moment.

But my chica was no friend of the moment. She was a friend, even when we weren't speaking. I didn't realize that...until she was gone. It always happens that way, doesn't it?

Elie Tahari's 'Tan Fierce' Shoe (her fave designer)

And to me, that is the true definition of a friend. One of the things about my chica that I will never forget is her overwhelming sentimentality when it came to the celebration of a birthday. Before her, birthdays were...ok...I celebrated them, but not really. With my birthday being so close to Christmas, I always got 'lost in the sauce', so to speak, but my chica treated every birthday as if it were a national holiday...and it eventually rubbed off on me. Before long, I was celebrating birthdays in grand style. I still do. She did, indeed, teach me the value of that. She also taught me about shoes. Now, if you know me, then you know that I love me a good shoe. Always have. My chica taught me how to appreciate a flyyyyyy shoe, as opposed to a fly shoe. She would also encourage me to pay myself 'first', something that I definitely did not do often. (Still don't. Not like I need to.)

Now, again, this is not to say that life with my chica was all fun and games. Part of the challenge when two passionate people become friends is that the passion from each side threatens to over take each other. I learned a lot about myself from the time I turned 20 to my current 28 years...and every year was an evolution from me. With my chica, her process was a bit slower...and eventually, it came down to leaving her behind so that she could grow. From what I learned...she definitely did. It is true that sometimes, you have to walk away from someone for them to become the person that they need to be. I just wish that I would've made that call when I got the urge to. I'm pretty proud of her evolution. Just wish I could've told her so.

Well, anyway. Today, I've gotta find a way to go drop off some calla lilies and pralines for my friend for her birthday. Maybe I'll grab some Robert Mondavi Cabernet Sauvignon for her, too. I'm sure He won't mind if I leave her some. She always appreciated a good red wine.

Rest in peace, my chica. And happy birthday. =oD

The Quest for Normalcy?

2010-08-14T02:13:00.000-04:00

I always wondered what my life would be like if I were normal.

When I say normal - perhaps the word 'stable' is a better fit. I mean...I'm not sure what I mean.

I'm rambling. I know. *peers up at blog title*

Alright, allyuh. Hear what going thru meh head. By now, you probably know that I resigned from my full time job to pursue my business aspirations full time. You also know about the many doubts that run through my head with regard to my decision. Many of my good friends and associates have pointed out how proud of me they are, and how they admire what I am doing. To me, that just adds to the pressure. Don't follow what I do. I'm always tired...I'm always dragging (trust me, I just hide it well)...I'm going to be broke for the next three years easily...the list goes on. I mean, it's wonderful to inspire people. But I swear, I'm just a normal woman trying to make it.

There goes that word 'normal' again.

[ I'm going to sidetrack for a second - and this will more than likely be the topic of another blog. But don't you love it when people assume your status because of what you do? Just because I attend many networking events and travel doesn't make me a baller. I simply know how to find the best for free. 9 times out of 10, anywhere that I go or anything that I do, I'm not paying for. I will go anywhere by myself, and I find great deals all the time so that I'm paying next to nothing. Please don't assume. That is all. =o) ]

Sorry. Had to get that out. Anyway...

So many times, I wish I was 'normal'. I wish I could go back to my 9 to 5, come home, make dinner, wash clothes, look at TV to unwind (hell, I couldn't even tell you what's on TV nowadays unless it's on the Food Network or...well, actually, that's about it.), go walk the dog, play with the munchkin, make lunch for the next day and go to bed. Read a book and conk out, only to do it all over again. I wish I could intersperse my days with cute little movies and the occasional networking event to alleviate the impending feeling of boredom and routine. I wish I was better with routines.

I am great with an idea. (Trust me, I didn't just jump off topic, I have a reasoning.) I can come up with ideas at the drop of a dime. More than half of them didn't manifest themselves into something because I was either too lazy to make it happen, or it was too much going on and it had to be brought back to the drawing board. Either way, with me, my process is as such: I come up with an idea, go hard for this idea so much so that I forget all other projects in the works, and work on said idea until I tire of it...or until I finish. My business is an example of an idea that I finished. Ever hear of visionnaire, the plus size clothing line? (You have? Already I know you're lying.) You haven't heard of it because it never made it past the drawings I did with another friend of mine. My repertoire is full of stuff like that. I wish I could do less thinking, be less creative, and do more implementing.

Well, wait.

I love being creative. I love creating ideas and watching them come to fruition. I love creating stories and living them out. I love creating visions and letting them come to life. But...I wish I could be less of a night owl making all these things come to life. Sometimes...I wish I was the person admiring the person following the dream...instead of being the dream fulfiller. Sometimes...I crave normalcy.

Sigh.

Baggage on both Sides

2010-08-02T02:51:00.000-04:00

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any baggage.

You'd be lying if you said you didn't have any baggage.

That's right...I called you out. Yeah, I said it.

Baggage in relationships are an interesting concept, one that I have pondered as who I am and the paths that I take in my personal development grow and become easier for me to navigate. Cue a Mary J. song. (You know that there's a Mary song for everything.) As my new found friendship/relationship/big ass ? mark grows into something that has the potential to be awesome, I find myself looking at both his baggage and, well, my own.

Let me backtrack for a second.

A good friend of mine, when talking me down from my proverbial panicked 'ledge', pointed out: "He's like an onion, gotta slowly peel the layers..." And to me, that is an ideal way to look at a relationship as it grows: each person has layers of their persona that you uncover as you get to know them. Like Chris Rock said in "Bigger and Blacker", "You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative!" (What's that? You've never SEEN Bigger and Blacker? You're slacking. Check it out.) You do meet their representative the first time around. And as you get to know them better, you let a layer fall off. You shed some of that protective skin to reveal the tender skin underneath. And within the shedding of those layers, hopefully, is the revealing and shedding of baggage.

So I have baggage. Dealing with the father of my child definitely left a few scars that took me a few years to get by. (And, for the record, I went through a Caribbean man phase. I don't subscribe to that theory now.) But anyway, dealing with him taught me so much about who I was that if I ever talk to him on a semi-friendship level again, I owe him a debt of gratitude. He truly made me who I am: much more confident from having to rebuild my self-esteem, more poised from dealing with the BS, more focused from making up for lost time, etc., etc.It's true. I have baggage. And I deal with it. I don't let it deal with me.

So it's always an interesting concept when I meet a guy who also has baggage. Who steps on eggshells around certain topics because he doesn't want the 'crazy black woman' to rear their ugly head. Who is weary of the independent black woman because they don't feel like dealing with all their crazy standards. I mean, he deals with it...he works on his baggage as I work on mine...but for those of us women who think that men don't have issues like that, think again. They do and they have and they deal with it the same way we do: one day at a time.

What do you think? Is there baggage on both sides? How do you deal with your baggage?

Back to Basics: A Huge Ramble

2010-07-02T10:24:00.000-04:00

...::hard sigh::...

I don't have any song quotes today, or cheerfully sarcastic remarks with which to start today's blog off with. This is all coming directly from the heart, so if I spell something wrong or fail to make sense at some point, forgive me. I'm writing, not thinking as I go along.

So today I woke up, shit on my mind and on my heart. Everything appears to be going well with my business, you know, meeting the right people, making the right connections, blah blah blah. A good friend of mine told me once, "you can meet all of the people in the blasted world, it don't mek a fuck of difference if it don't translate into dollar signs".

Sorry, I should have warned y'all about today's language, too.

So it is day 2 of me deciding to do this full time, and the only thing I want to do is go back to my job and go back to security. I'm not a big risk taker. Never have been. When I decided to resign and do my business full time, I had stars in front of my eyes. Now I realize that the stars in front of my eyes was reality smacking the shit out of me to try to get me to see that this was not a good idea.

What makes this rougher is that I cannot begin to tell you just how many people have come to me and said to me how proud of me they are. How brave I am. Yeah fucking right. This was stupid. And it's a lot of pressure...I can't tell you how many people have told me they look up to me. Why me? Don't look up to me, please. I'm an ordinary woman just trying to make it. And yes, to those who don't seem to believe me when I say this, I do feel insecure and scared and I don't always have it together and I damn sure don't always know what I'm doing and I cry and worry and sulk just like any other human being. I'm not perfect. I don't ever claim to be, either.

Other things annoying me today - what's with the subliminal social media messages, people? Have I not said before how much I hate that shit? Please please please tell me if you have a problem with me or what I do. Cause I for damn sure will tell you if I have a problem with you. Because if you think unfollowing me or deleting me is your answer, think again. You might be surprised to find that I care even less than you think. And no, I'm not talking about someone in particular. I've seen a few people do it lately. It's so lame. The KP of three years ago would probably have sent the offenders an email or a text on some, "yo, WTF?" This KP? Ehh. *shrugs* I just rather you tell me what's on your mind. Stop tweeting/writing/murmuring about it. And I assure you, this is only bothering me right now because I'm annoyed in general.

So I met this really awesome guy and now I like him, which I hate. Mainly because I know how I get when I like someone. I'm a go out on a limb, though, and see where this goes. We'll see. It ain't like other folks are gonna come back and start giving a damn anytime soon. Not to mention that the guy I met is a really nice guy. Maybe a nice guy's what I need, for a change. I'll just go with the flow and see what happens.

My back is killing me for all the wrong reasons...

URGH...I need MONEY...

I'm just tired and annoyed today. I have a lot of work to do and I have plenty to figure out. Lemme stop ranting and rambling and get to figuring out instead.

Thanks for ~~listening~~ reading.

What About Your Friends?

2010-06-29T19:31:00.000-04:00

"What about your friends/Will they stand their ground/Will they let you down/Yeah-eh/What about your friends/Are they gonna be lowdown/Will they ever be around/Or will they turn their backs on you?"

- TLC, "What About Your Friends"

So I know we've been here before. I tend to talk about my circle of friends quite a bit because your friends tend to be a huge portion of your life, next to your family. By now, you should know that I have my core group, and then I have the random insert that may or may not fall into my permanent circle, depending on the way the chips fall. It's all about that trust game for me.

I've been talking with friends, both old and new, about...well, friendship. Everyone's definition of friendship seems to differ, as I've found over the years. Some people seem to think that there is a certain boundary that should never be crossed with regards to friends. I tend to agree. The question then becomes, what is that boundary? When do you tell a friend that they are, in essence, effing up and need to get over themselves? Perhaps it's time for KP's definition of friends and what they should and should NOT do...so here goes...

KP's Top Ten List of What A Friend Should Do:

10. Friends don't let friends dial drunk. LOL. We've all been here before...you get tipsy, you pick up the phone, you hit up that person that scratches that itch reallll good. But chances are, you don't have no biz-ness calling that person. My friends will take the phone away from me - mid text/call. And I will do the same.

9. Friends don't blow each other up on Facebook. Never do I ever want to log on to my Facebook page and see your beef with me tagged on Facebook. Our beef should NEVER be a status. I'm as big of a Facebook addict as the next social media inclined person. But you'd better believe this: if I have an issue about you or with you, you will hear it from me first. It will never appear on Facebook. Some ~~shit~~ stuff should be kept private.

8. Friends agree sometimes. They also disagree...sometimes. If you know me, then you know that I am quick to play the devil's advocate. This does not ever mean that I love you any less...unless I tell yuh so...in which case, yuh should get worried. LOL. I don't always agree with my friends...I may even take a day or two to back up and breathe from it all. But rest assured...if you're my homeskilletbiscuit, then we ride till the wheels fall off.

7. Friends' exes are OFF LIMITS. Do I actually have to explain? Not really. But there was a time, when I was significantly younger, that this rule was played around with, limits stretched, etc. And granted, the people that I am referring to have forgave and been forgiven, eliminated or dealt with, etc. So there's no need to rehash the past that was waaayyyyyyy long ago. But within that lesson comes the rule above. And it's a good one...established for a reason.

6. Friends don't tell friends who they can be friends with. Sounds absurd...right? It's not. I've had quite a few situations where a 'friend' will become upset with me because I befriended someone else that they don't like. Ok, let's examine this for a minute. a. What does your beef with said person have to do with me? b. How do you get to tell me who I can and can't be friends with? Um...WORD???!? The reality of things are this: when you're moving up in the world, as an entrepreneur or otherwise, you find yourself running in the same circles with many of the same people. It's inevitable. What is also inevitable is that some of these same people may not like each other. However...each individual relationship is different and unique for a reason. If you as a person have a problem with someone else, that is for you and that other person to work out. Never should it involve your friend. You should be able to be adult enough to recognize that some relationships exist outside the scope of the friendship that you have with someone else. Never should you make a friend of yours feel bad for befriending someone else. Nor will I ever ask you to stop being friends with someone that I no longer like. (This might be a separate post in and of itself...) If I do ever ask you to, I expect you to call me on it. Which leads me to the next 'guideline'...

5. Friends should be able to tell friends about themselves. If I step out of line...or get out of pocket...I expect you to tell me about myself. Conversely, expect to be told about yourself if you do the same...whether I think you are going to like what I have to say, or not. As a friend, if we don't have that level of honesty with each other, what do we have? Sure, I might not like what you have to say...but I'll eat it, if it's good for me. Which leads to the converse...

4. Friends should not put other friends down. There is a difference between telling your friend something for their own good, and telling them something with the intent of being malicious. And it really doesn't matter the reason for the maliciousness...it could be due to personal insecurities, jealousy, discord, misery, whatever. I don't care. If you have nothing nice to say to your friend...perhaps you should reconsider why they are your friend.

3. Friends should never have to constantly question a friendship. It's real simple, and I've learned this from many experiences over the past two years...if you have to wonder more than once why a person is your friend, they are not your friend.

2. Friends should love their friends as they are. The gamut of the friends in my circle? Motley. Crew. Seriously. From the African inspired to the bug out girl, from the nerd to the Republican, the culinarily inclined to the kindred writer spirit, all of my friends have a place in my life for a reason...and I never ask them to change who they are. Who they are is a part of who I am...that is why they are my friend. They tap into certain aspects of me. Never ask a friend to change.

And the #1 guideline on my list for friendship (steel pan roll, please...lol)

1.Friends don't compete with friends. The only thing I do with my friends when it comes to business is support them. Period. And that support could be in any number of ways: financially, silent partnership, moral, etc. But I NEVER compete with them. Friends should uplift. They should ease stresses about business with good times, laughter, and sound advice. Never should I ever have to wonder if our friendship is driven by a need to compete with me. Just the thought infuriates me. So if you ever doubt that our friendship is genuine, you might as well take a cue from #s 3 and 5 on that list and tell me off, then bounce. In whichever order. Because I don't compete with my friends.

Do you have guidelines for the friendships you keep? If so, what are they? What do you think constitutes a friend?