Behind the Scenes of a Sleepy Rambler

I need sleep.

I always need sleep. If you were to ask my number one ride or die, she'd tell you that I don't sleep enough. At ALL. And I know this. It's probably part of the reason that my thoughts ramble so much...I know that my body needs at least 8 hours on a consistent basis to function at least at 80%.

And yet I don't sleep.

It's not by choice always, either. There are many nights that I am being SuperMommy, taking care of my daughter and then, after she goes to bed, cooking/cleaning/prepping for the next day, and, before you know it, it's like, 12:30 and I have to be up at 6 and out by 6:30. The other nights, I am being either O Ye Queen of the Urban Network, getting my face/name/brand out there for my business, Business Woman Executive Chef, who caters and personal chefs and looks at numbers on spreadsheets extra hard so that they will change and she can hire an assistant (lol), or Crusader Extraordinaire, banging out community service projects and making my community's voice heard in a single bound, or I'm the Perpetual Student, studying for the GMATs so I can get my MBA with a concentration in Hospitality Management.

Sigh. I got tired just writing that.

Somewhere in there is also spending time with my family, dance classes for both myself and my daughter, piano lessons and Girl Scouts for my daughter, and me time. Me time is the last thing on the list...and it shouldn't be, it should be the first, even before my daughter, because if I'm not taking care of me, how am I going to be able to take care of my daughter? This is the part that I struggle with, because I know that I don't get enough sleep on a regular basis, and I know that I have two doctor's visits coming up and I haven't quite reached my benchmarks for, and I know that my brain needs time to unwind and get right. In fact, writing this blog is probably the most me time I've had all week. (That and the 20 minutes I sneak to go on to Facebook. What can I say? I <3 FB.)

But anyway. Such is my life. I'm working on being better to me. Hell, maybe it will stop me from being such a betch to some and snapping on others. (Yeah right...but we'll see.)

Hasta, chicas and...err...chicos...(that's wrong, I'm sure.)

Read More

The "In-Laws" and Family Take Over

My daughter told me this weekend that her aunt on her father's side gives her soda when she comes to visit. I don't allow her to drink soda. When my daughter tried to explain this to her aunt, her aunt's response was that she was not me and that she didn't have to obey my rules.

GRRR.

Why are people on the opposite end of the spectrum so disrespectful? I mean, what is it about "in-laws" (quotations because I'm not married) that make dealing with them so hard? If someone that I am caring for 'en loco parentis' tells me that their parent doesn't allow them to do certain things, whether I like them or agree with them or not, then I'm going to respect that. Apparently everyone does not follow the same rule.

Family, to me, has always been an interesting commodity. I say 'commodity' because sometimes, you can take them or leave them, you know? Ideally, these should be the people that have your back unconditionally, who should be the supportive backbone for you and who you are. And yet, often times, I hear so many people complain about the disjointed relationships that they have with their families, my friends in particular.

I love my family. I do. They do, however, have a tendency to jump into the fray where they are not needed, particularly when it comes to raising my daughter. I know that this is all in love most of the time...but really, though? Did I ask for your opinion on everything? DEFINITELY didn't. And please...let's not forget that as her mother, I get the last word. Sorry. (though I must say, I'm not genuinely sorry...it just seemed the most appropriate statement to end with)

Now. As for the "in-laws", it is an interesting dynamic that comes with single parenthood: oftentimes, the relationship that frays between the mother and father of the child causes the surrounding relationships to fray as well. If there is one thing that I pride myself on, it doesn't matter how annoyed, angry, frustrated, or disgusted I am with my daughter's father, I never ever give my daughter any indication that there is any issue with him. This, of course, only enrages me more when the reverse is not respected. Try as I might, though, I refuse to stoop to their level...which only leaves me as the bad guy more often than not.

What do you do in such a situation as this? How do you avoid the inevitable butting of heads between family/in-laws and the like?

Thoughts, please...

Read More

Viva La Arrogant Pipe!!

One of the wonderful things about my good friends is that they are just as crazy and mad as I am. It is this quality that endears me to them, that makes me smile when I am not in the mood, that causes me to come close to spitting my gum/juice/sandwich across the room if I am reading what they are saying while imbibing any of those things. More often than not, my sides are aching from laughing so hard after dealing with them.

Yesterday, of course, was no exception.

We were talking about 'getting some', and our choice of partners. Now. In this day and age, women tend to have a much more liberal approach to these sorts of encounters. If you remember my post on the 12 noon relationship versus the 4 am relationship, you will remember that I point out that there is a difference between these two types of relationships, and that both are healthy - so long as you know what you're getting yourself into either way.

So yesterday, we joked about past and/or present 4 am relationships and how we as independent women handled ourselves and our...er...needs. My friend, fool that she is, came up with the phrase, "Viva La Arrogant Pipe!" She, of course, was teasing me about my choice of an arrogant...err...12/4 am relationship. (Yea, I don't know. Sue me.)

The moral of this, or, rather, the thing currently on my mind, is, how much do we tolerate when dealing with someone we are interested in? Does sex genuinely put 'rose colored glasses' on a person's flaws? Is it that in some cases, people on the outside looking in cannot see past that person's flaws? Moreover, does it even matter if it's just a 4 am relationship?

Thoughts and ramblings...think, discuss...

Read More

On to the Next One and all great songs in between

Isn't it amazing how music speaks to your life? Like, you ever hear a song and you get so lost in the lyrics and the music because it just sounded like whoever the songwriter was literally sat with you in your room while you devoured that mocha chip ice cream and listened to your tears ramble? Or caught you when you were daydreaming at dance school about using the wall for support because he was...

Oh. Maybe that's just how I feel about a good song.

I love music and I love listening to music. Many a time, even now as I write this, I am jamming to Alison Hinds' station on Pandora, with interpolations of Machel Montano. Two hours ago, my favorite 'Ayicien' and 'Puertorriqueno' man was serenading me and reminding me of my bad habits. Sigh.

I love music.

I have been finding more solace in music lately as I go on this journey of mine to continue becoming stronger in who I am. It's not easy sometimes. Even as I listen to Mr. Hammond sing about his Queen, I wonder who besides my baby girl sees me that way - as a Queen. I know I see me as a Queen, so that's really all that matters...but I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes wonder I held any value to others.

Earlier, I threw on Mr. S. Dot and felt my inner Brooklyn as I considered 'getting violent' - I hate being disrespected and after being blatantly disregarded, my rage was barely contained...Mr. Carter made me feel better, I just angrily spit his lyrics to myself and tried to breathe.

I know someone else has been there before.

The other day, when I was listening to Symptoms Unknown, I wondered where this song was when I was trying to figure out where my relationship went. Right now, Machel is making me wanna get 'pon de road an wuk up', and leave my cares behind. Music is my comfort zone and my panacea when things are good and when they are bad. It helps me sort out many things, especially when I don't feel like talking.

What do you do when you have a lot on your mind?

Read More

Is it time to walk away?

So this morning, I read something that my homie posted and I caught a jealousy attack for about, five seconds.

GASP.

I don't do jealousy. I am secure in myself and who I am. I am secure in my relations with my friends and whomever I may be seeing/dealing with at the present moment. I know my value in each of these individual relationships, and, if for some reason, I find myself questioning my value in the relationship, then it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

So then, why the moment? Why did my heart get a little tight and my eyes a little narrower? Can I blame it on PMS (Post Menstrual Syndrome - I never get it before, only after)? What should I make of this sudden surge of emotion?

It might be time to walk away.

I say this because for the first time, I actually caught myself questioning my value to said relationship, which is interesting because I never questioned it before. I currently have enough relationships with people that I do not need anymore - that is, my circle of friends is complete, and I have no intention of making that circle bigger, of allowing anyone else in...there are enough people in that circle to care about to begin with. So saying that, when I caught myself questioning my value, it was weird.

Sometimes, writing is cathartic because as I'm writing this, I am reasoning my reaction out in my head and I am realizing that I am, indeed, overreacting. (Funny enough, my horoscope said that I would today, too.) I think I haven't had enough sleep. Sozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

*wink* TTYL...

Read More

Torn

Disclaimer: This piece is prose of poetic fiction. Any resemblances to current people is entirely coincidental.


What happens when you feel it in your gut so strong
Unexplainable desires and wanton lust for the mind
Bodily desires cast aside, you want to be one and the same
with his brain

His words blow your mind 65 times infinity plus 4

Always leave you wanting more
But you know this bad habit is more than a song
Everyone's told you it's wrong
This type of thing you've fell victim to for too long

So what does one do?

When the waking moment desire is only to open your eyes by his side
And cast away all insecurities to take over the world together
Your heart on his sleeve to be caressed yet your mind continues to be that rolling stone
let's not forget that this feeling is wrong

How do you stop being torn?

Read More

Courtin' (an ode to R&B)

Disclaimer: This piece is prose of poetic fiction. Any resemblances to current people is entirely coincidental. *wink*


Courtin' (an ode to R&B)

We took A Long Walk and talked about past lives
Touched on Revelations 3:17 and Jay-Z all in the same breath
He had me open...palms forward, heart on sleeve, all that
And I wanted to be His Favorite Girl with no one Getting in the Way
I wanted No More Drama
And I was hoping that he was the key

See, I was already happy with me
But when he said I was So Beautiful
It brought me past my own self satisfaction
We sipped Crown Royal and ate greasy chicken bites
And all I wanted was Crown Royal on ice...right...
Fed me bits of his mind seasoned with curry and coconut milk
Had me swooning, wondering Would he Mind

Would You Mind?

Silently I wished he would open his heart to me as I had mine
Make love slowly to my body I now needed more than the air I breathed
Get me Lifted to a higher plateau so divine
And he fulfilled my needs
Yes, he fulfilled my needs
His Ego brushed my...ego and fed me strawberries dipped in wine
So divine
I...came close to him, gave his body a Slow Wine
Yeh, I know what island he's from, but dis ain't no Wukkin' Up time
Part 1 Sex(ed) Me Nice and Slow
Part 2 Trading Places...yet still we kept the flow
Had me singing Bad Habits knowing this was a Bad Habit
And the whole thing was off key
But I didn't mind...I was having fun, you see

And I still am
Even when things start to get Cold
And the conversation dies, all Symptoms Unknown
I know that the fire burns again as long as we go Slow
And as long as we avoid that Four Letter Word
We can continue to be...Halfcrazy

But only on the Down Low...shhh...

11:30 pm 10.4.09 KP

Read More